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My Life in Black & Blue

Chapter Nine: Bad Romance

Dean had never taken direction very well, so my "shut up and hurry" didn't do much good. He went as slow as he wanted and drove me so crazy I'm pretty sure I tore apart some of his new sheets because I was clawing at them so hard.

He didn't seem to mind though, he just kissed me harder.

"You're very impatient, you know?" He teased, moving his fingers along my side, up and down, trying to distract me.

"I wouldn't be if you got on with the program!" I said, rubbing myself against him and wrapping arms and legs around him.

"So bossy," He said, kissing my boobs and making me tremble.

"Dean, please. I can't wait anymore."

Apparently, "please" was indeed a magical world because it got Dean moving, finally.

Sex was different this time around, we weren't kids anymore, we weren't afraid of being caught, we just let go, and it was such a lovely feeling. The same thing I had told Dean ten years ago – that with him I wasn't afraid – still held true, I simply felt safe with him, safe to let go and just be. I could feel my heart swelling and bursting with happiness, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't just because of the serious case of afterglow I had going on.

Dean held me close but we didn't talk, twice I tried to say something, but he would just start kissing me and one thing would lead to the other and I sort of forgot how to talk.

Before I finally fell asleep, he mumbled something that sounded like 'love you' and that we would talk in the morning.

But everything it's different in the morning light, I had no regrets but I stayed quiet, my eyes closed, when I woke up late the next morning, I could feel the sunlight on my face and I wanted to make this "in-between" time, our time, last as long as possible.

Then I opened my eyes and realized Dean wasn't around, I wasn't even in Dean's room anymore but in my own, tucked into my own bed and completely alone. I stumbled out of bed, I was somewhat wrapped in one of the sheets from his bed, which made moving a bit difficult but I still managed to waddle toward his room across the hall from mine.

"Dean?" I called as I came into the room, it was empty, the bed still unmade, my undies were still hanging from the lamp (I took those back, along with my bra and dress). But Dean was nowhere to be found; I knew he had showered because he had left his wet towels lying in the bathroom's floor.

I went back to my room to throw on my robe and went downstairs, outside I could see a cleaning crew taking away the remains of the wedding, but inside the house there was no sound.

I picked the phone in the kitchen and dialed his number. He picked up after the second ring. "Hey."

"Hi. I-I just woke up and you're not here and…"

"Yeah, I'm with Dan and Rick, they called earlier."

"Oh. You could have told me."

"It's a band thing," He said quickly, puzzling me further. When had I not been involved in band stuff?

"All right, just thought that you would stay so we could… talk."

"I'll be home later, then we can talk." He said, uncomfortably.

"Ok." I mumbled. "I'll be here."

"Right. Bye."

I was feeling something cold land on my heart like a huge pile of bricks, but it was not in my nature to freak out – it can be when you are a tour manger –

so I wandered up to my room, got dressed and made my bed. I wandered around the house aimlessly for a while, making lists of things that needed to be done, answering emails, calling the cable company to hire a girly-movies channel. I made myself some lunch – which I was unable to eat – I called Jess to check on her, I called Nana, I even called own grandmother (something I try to avoid as much as possible since Grandmother doesn't approve of me on account of how I didn't follow Jess example and became a doctor, Grandmother has a doctor fetish, I'm convinced).

But time still seemed to be crawling by, the hours came and went and Dean still wasn't home. That's when the Google alerts started to pop into my inbox. Mark and I kept Google alerts on the guys, mostly in case one of us needed to go bail out Dan or Rick, and to check what the press was saying.

I wasn't entirely surprised when the first "Spotted in Vegas" mail came to my inbox, I figured it was Dan or Rick partying to celebrate Keith's wedding, they didn't need big excuses to go to Vegas. What surprised me was seeing Dean with them.

Over the next few hours, I got a minute-to-minute recount of their goings on in Vegas as they went from strip club to strip club and to a huge party at one of the hotels later that night. I couldn't believe this was the 'band stuff' Dean had talked about earlier.

Finally I unplugged and turned off my computer and put it inside my closet so I wouldn't be tempted to keep torturing myself. This was too much. I couldn't understand Dean. Through thick and thin we had always been able to talk, what did he expect me to say that sent him running with the party animals? Why had sex freaked him out so much? It's not like we hadn't done it before! Hell, back then we had been seventeen, hormonal, and it was our first time, and we still managed to talk.

I felt like something was slipping through my fingers and I didn't even know how or why.

And the only person who could answer my questions was at a strip club in Vegas and not talking to me. As the hours passed the hurt began to turn into anger, and I was well into crazy-mad territory by the time Dean staggered home the next afternoon.

-000-

End of Chapter Nine