|Silly No More
Author: RentBoheme PM
“Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!” is a slogan that many children can recognize. They laugh with glee as the children in the Trix commercial grab a box of cereal away from the oversized bunny. This is a story about that oversized bunny finally snapping.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Words: 3,803 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Published: 07-04-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2824795
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This is yet another short story written by Rentboheme (me) and Morine. This was written for a friend's birthday. Said friend enjoyed it very much.
We both hope you enjoy this little story. We tried to make it as humorous as possible, but as we have recently found out from our other works of art, our humor is not as normal as other's humor.
This story is very close to our hearts. It originated from one late-night conversation between me and another one of our friends.
I realize now that you (the reader) have no interest in reading this author's note any longer, and you clicked on the link to read this story.
But I do want to give a short warning: THIS STORY HAS BLOOD AND VIOLENCE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK YOU WILL BE EMOTIONALLY SCARRED BY THIS. WE ALSO APOLOGIZE IF WORDS SUCH AS "OPERA" OR "CHILDREN" OFFEND ANYONE.
"Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!" is a slogan that many children can recognize. They laugh with glee as the children in the Trix commercial grab a box of cereal away from the oversized bunny. They smile as the commercial fades out and they feel important, like they are deserving of a heavenly cereal.
But have they ever considered the torture behind Rabbit's mind? Do they know that if you deny someone something that he or she has desired their whole life that the someone will eventually crack?
Rabbit was no different. He was like a rubber band, being stretched, stretched, stretched. He had been stretched for over fifty years. He was able to tolerate it since 1959, when the first commercial was released, but it was in 2010 that the rubber band finally snapped.
Rabbit was often made fun of by other rabbits for his need to try the Trix cereal. While other rabbits were busy playing carrot poker or going down their rabbit holes, Rabbit was busy thinking of schemes to get his hands on the popular breakfast food.
A few of his ideas almost worked. There was the cannonball idea, where Rabbit would act as a cannonball and steal a bowl of cereal from one of the children. That idea would have worked perfectly, if he hadn't crashed into a tree.
Rabbit tried dressing up as different characters to get his hands on the cereal. Mailman, firefighter, policeman, ice cream truck driver, you name it. His rabbit hole contained a wide variety of different costumes from his attempts.
It was one fateful evening that Rabbit was pacing around his home, thinking of new ideas. His eyes had become red from lack of sleep. It felt as though his body had become weaker from the excessive amounts of cross-dressing he did (some outfits just shouldn't be worn). His paws were constantly trying to touch things, as if it would help him think of ideas. His stomach constantly grumbled from lack of food. It felt like the only thing that could quell this hunger was Trix.
It was very easy to mistake Rabbit for a creature with rabies. He foamed at the mouth. His eyes twitched. He even bit other rabbits once or twice.
Needless to say, Rabbit was going crazy. He was running out of ideas. I could try to disguise myself as a woman, he thought. Wait, no, I already did that.
He went through tens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of ideas as he walked back and forth in his hole. He thought about Trix. They looked crunchy and delicious. To steal from the Skittles commercial, he imagined that if he could taste the cereal's many colors he would be able to taste the rainbow.
"Why won't those damn kids let me have the Trix?" he screamed, and he broke down in a cathartic river of tears. "I wish those jerks would just give me the cereal. I just want to go and kill them—"
He stopped crying. Why not? he thought.
If there were no more children, all of his problems would be solved. There would be no more costumes, no more chasing, no more rabbits or other creatures laughing at him. (Though there were times he enjoyed cross-dressing, he could do that on his own time.) Why? Because with no children, he would be the winner. He would be victorious.
Rabbit thought about this as he paced around his rabbit hole.
What would be the easiest way? he thought.
But did he really want it to be easy? Surely the easiest way would be to just drown them all at the same time. One wouldn't be able to hear their squeals if they were under the water, and there would be no paw prints as evidence.
After all Rabbit went through, he wasn't too sure if he wanted to take the easy route. Perhaps something more difficult…more bloody.
Rabbit stopped pacing around the hole and began to look for sharp objects. He had an empty bottle of vodka from one of those nights when he drank himself into oblivion. He could break that and use the jagged edge to slowly run along the edge of the children's throats until it pierced through their skin.
He had a few butcher knives, too. That was the classic way. He could repeatedly stab them in the chest and watch their lifeblood squirt everywhere—maybe it would even stain his white fur.
He didn't have any other sharp objects, but that was okay. The knives would do.
The kids were all siblings (which was strange, seeing as one was white, one was black, and one was Asian), so they all lived in the same house. That was convenient, seeing as he could get them all at once in one murderous rampage.
He had to work out how he would be able to get into the house and kill them. Rabbit worried about the parents. They surely wouldn't willingly let him into the house. That was when he remembered that in the world of Trix commercials, there were no parents. Silly Rabbit.
So now he just had to think about how he would get into the house. He watched it for a few days. The house was multi-colored, styled after the many colors of Trix. There were windows, but paws made them hard to open, and he didn't want to cut himself by breaking through—he wanted the blood of the children spilled, not his own. So, he deduced he would have to make it through the front door.
After days of watching the children go in and out, he found out that they kept a key under the doormat. This was good. It made breaking in very easy.
As he plotted, Rabbit seemed to become a little less depressed. He was happier—he realized that it wouldn't be long until his taste buds could soak in the taste of the inevitably delicious cereal.
He waited for all the lights in the house to go off.
Rabbit crept up to the front door. He looked from side to side, and then grabbed the key from under the doormat. He took the golden key in his hands, sliding it slowly into the keyhole. He turned it quietly, as to not wake up any of the children. Once inside, he set the key down on a table. Then he got to business.
Rabbit did some sneaky spy moves while moving about the foyer. He was about to crawl up the stairs (he would look less suspicious this way), when his eyes caught sight of the kitchen. It wasn't so much the sight of the kitchen that made him stop dead in his tracks, but rather what was on the counter.
Three boxes of Trix cereal.
Rabbit licked his lips in anticipation. For over fifty years he had been waiting for this day. The day when he could finally crunch down on a tasty morsel of this sugary confection. He walked towards the boxes. They were all sitting parallel to one another on the counter. He was about to take another step forward before he stopped himself.
He had fallen into a trap similar to this before. There had been a box of Trix left for him on a table. Without going into the agonizing details, he had been left trapped in a snow globe with an obnoxious snowman for three weeks.
Rabbit looked around the kitchen. There seemed to be no traps, no snow globes, no obnoxious snowman that hit on him.
One more step was all it took for him to make it to the counter. He stretched his paw out. Nothing happened, so he grabbed the box.
He tensed, waiting for something to happen.
He held the box in his paws and grinned mischievously.
"Bwah ha ha! BWAH HA HA!"
That was when Rabbit heard a slight movement upstairs. He waited to see if anything else would happen, but there was nothing. He figured one of the children just moved around in bed. His attention quickly went back to the treasure in his hands.
He slowly opened the first box, only to find it…empty.
All right, he thought, maybe they finished the first one. There are more.
Rabbit opened up the second box. Once again: Empty.
Growing angry, Rabbit opened up the third box.
Rabbit's eyes reddened more than they had ever before.
During the few moments that he had held the boxes in his hands, he thought that he wouldn't have to resort to such drastic measures as murder to get what he wanted.
Oh, how mistaken he had been. Oh, how terribly mistaken.
Rabbit grabbed the three boxes, and held them in his arms. He slowly took the butcher knives out of his bag. He cleaned them in the sink, immersing them with cold water for dramatic effect.
With his clean knives and empty boxes of Trix, he made his way up the stairs, keeping the lights off.
He opened the first door, expecting to find three little children sleeping "innocently."
A bathroom only met his face once he opened the door.
"Imbecile children," he mumbled under his breath.
He slammed the door, no longer caring about waking up the children that ruined his life.
A few door slams and curses later, he found the children. Much to his surprise, the children were sleeping soundly under their comforters.
It was like a Christmas commercial. Three children sleeping in beds that were perfectly aligned. The walls of the room were filled with happy pictures of sunshine and fairies. He could almost feel the happy dreams going through the children's minds. In a Christmas commercial setting, the children would clutch teddy bears and dolls to their chests. However, in this more realistic setting, it wasn't cuddly toys they clutched to their chests, but boxes of Trix cereal.
He flicked one with his paw. It was full.
This drove Rabbit into a frenzy. With the moves of a swift ninja, he put one of the empty boxes over each of the children's heads. "THE LAST MINUTES OF YOUR LIVES SHALL BE LIVED WITH EMPTY CEREAL BOXES OVER YOUR HEADS!" This symbolic revelation jolted the children awake. They were frightened.
"What's happening?" Asian Girl called out.
"I dunno," White Boy said.
Black Girl peeped her head out from under the cereal box. "Oh my god! It's the Rabbit!"
They all screamed.
"I will get the Trix!" Rabbit screamed, and he grabbed at White Boy's box.
Black Girl jumped off the bed and held her hands out in front of her. "Rabbit no swiping!"
"Ahhhhhhh!" Rabbit shrieked, and he ripped his two butcher knives out of his bag.
Black Girl screamed, and that just served as inspiration for Rabbit to keep at what he was doing. He charged at her. She tried to dive out of the way … but she was too late. Rabbit stuck one of his knives into her thigh.
Black Girl screamed again, except much louder this time. Rabbit mwahahaha-ed. "You like that?" he asked, watching the blood seeping from her skin.
"I'll take that as a yes," he said, as he dug the other knife into her prepubescent breast. Blood soaked through her shirt. Rabbit grinned maniacally.
That was when he noticed the other two kids trying to escape. He ripped one of the knives out of Black Girl's flesh and threw it at the children.
"Rabbit no killing! Rabbit no ki—"
"Wrong kiddie show, little children!" Rabbit yelled.
The knife landed in White Boy's right bicep, and he fell to the ground in pain. Meanwhile, Asian Girl escaped the room and Rabbit heard her running down the stairs. Rabbit quickly finished off the two injured children by driving the knives into their hearts. He covered their heads with the empty boxes that were previously thrown to the floor. He packed one of the unopened boxes into his bag and shot down the staircase.
Rabbit, being a rabbit and all, was speedy, and he easily caught up to Asian Girl, who was on the phone.
"POLICE! HELP! THE RABBIT IS TRYING TO STEAL THE TRIX!" she said into the phone, and then added, "Oh, and he's murdering me and my siblings."
Rabbit cackled and knocked the girl to the ground with one mighty punch. He picked up the phone and said "bye" into it, before hanging up.
"You should've just given me the Trix a while ago," he hissed at the girl, before stabbing her repeatedly—in her chest, her leg, her throat, her arm. He kept stabbing and stabbing, blood squirting everywhere like a hose left out with no one holding it. Rabbit kept stabbing long after any last trace of life had left her body.
He would've kept driving the knife into her body, but that was when he heard a police siren. He quickly covered her head with an empty box, then bolted out the front door.
Rabbit had never run so fast. The policemen were following him. They would've caught him had he not quickly turned down a street, throwing them off. Eventually, they regrouped and barreled in their car down the street. Rabbit turned down another street, then climbed down into a drain.
He ran through the dank tunnel for a few minutes before he fell to the ground, out of breath. That was when he remembered he had the Trix in his bag—he could eat it!
Rabbit slowly removed the cereal box and stared at in awe.
"It's … beautiful," he whispered, looking at the nutrition facts. He turned the box over in his paws and gasped when he saw the front. "What the—"
He was shocked—there, on the front of the box, was a picture of him smiling! He cackled. Advertisers will do anything to make sales, he thought. Even use my model-like looks, despite the fact that I've been deprived of this cereal.
He was about to rip open the box when he realized that he shouldn't eat it just yet. He should save the transformative experience until he was no longer in a sewage system—until a time when he could truly appreciate the Trix.
Rabbit looked up, trying to figure out a better place to eat this Holy Grail of a cereal. Mid-thought, he saw something beautiful as he looked out of a gutter that was above him.
Two beautiful mountains.
He looked at the mountain farthest away from him through the holes in the sewage system.
A small tear trickled down Rabbit's cheek.
It's beautiful, he thought.
The mountain reminded him of a few things. First, it reminded him of his childhood. There was a view of a large mountain from the house he grew up in. Often, he would dream about frolicking through a meadow on his way to the mountain's peak. In his dreams, once he was on the summit, he would sing like a Viking opera singer. (This was his fantasy before he learned about Trix.)
"I miss the mountains," Rabbit sang in an operatic voice reminiscent of a woman with bipolar disorder, and he sighed.
The second thing the mountain reminded him of was a place for lovers to go. He imagined a man getting down on one knee and proposing to the woman he loved.
A part of Rabbit's heart swooned at this thought.
This idea about love on top of the mountain reminded him of one more thing: Trix. He imagined clutching the cereal box close to his chest as he slowly ate the colorful meal. Sometimes he would eat it with milk, sometimes he would eat it without milk, and sometimes he'd even eat it with his favorite vodka. He and the lovely box would stare at each other. Well…Rabbit would stare while the box took in his love and compassion.
He pictured himself dining in splendor on the top. He imagined a butler bringing him a glass of wine and a bowl of Trix as he sat at a conveniently placed table on the mountain's peak. Rabbit was tired, but the alluring image instilled a new energy in his rabbit feet (not the ones used for good luck, but his actual feet).
A round of sirens took Rabbit out of his reverie. He kissed the top flap of the cereal he was clutching in his paws and bolted out of the sewer system.
As he was running, his eyes were locked on his destination.
He had to get to the closer mountain. Then, he had to get to the bridge, cross it, and then climb up the second mountain.
I have already murdered three children, he thought. I can climb up this mountain!
Rabbit ran through the streets of the land of Trix. A few people screamed upon seeing Rabbit with his red eyes and bloody fur. But this didn't scare them as much as seeing a box of Trix in Rabbit's arms did. They were devastated that Rabbit was breaking the constitutional law that strictly stated: "Trix are for kids."
Rabbit ran faster and faster. He would have started hopping, but he didn't want to give in to the rabbit stereotype.
After running for quite some time, he finally made it to the first mountain. He looked up, clutching the box of Trix closer to his shivering body.
I wish I went to the gym more often, he thought.
"Hey, Rabbit! Stop running! We're going to catch you eventually. It's a dead road from here!" the police said over a loud speaker. They were following him.
Rabbit had a glistening look of evil in his eyes. "Hahaha! Never!"
He quickly started leaping up the mountain. He was grateful for the rock-climbing classes he was forced to take when he was younger.
He clawed his way up the first mountain while still managing to keep his sacred box under his arm the whole journey up.
When he finally made it to the bridge connecting the first mountain to the second—to Destiny—he took the courage to look down. As it turns out, the mountain was a place for many tourists to go. There was a staircase leading up to the bridge. The police were just a few steps away from reaching him.
Rabbit turned around, ready to leap across the bridge (in a non-rabbit stereotype way, of course), when he saw a group of tourists clutching their cameras close to their bodies.
Rabbit roared and beat the air with one hand. "They're all children!"he said in a moment of dramatic realization.
One of the moronic, dim-witted, vacuous, ignorant, boneheaded children decided to take a picture of him. "Look! It's the rabbit from the box!"
He let out a menacing growl and picked up the child by his head. He lifted the child up and threw him at the mountain, causing more children to scream.
"Who's hungry?" he snarled. "I have a box of Trix! Who's hungry?"
Rabbit looked around at the frightened children. "Nobody's hungry? Good, because these Trix are mine! ALL MINE!"
He started laughing like an evil maniac when he saw the children still staring at him, wide-eyed.
He narrowed his eyes and pointed in the area that he had thrown the first child. "Leave," he said.
Quickly, the children started jumping off the bridge, one by one. Rabbit grew impatient and started helping the children by throwing them off the bridge himself.
I am…victorious! he thought, throwing a redhead with extra vigor.
He sang gleefully as he made his way across the bridge. He was almost there when he heard the sirens of a police car fast approaching. Rabbit turned around and saw a car wasn't far behind him.
Oh no! he thought. I'm not going to make it!
He picked up his pace. The bridge was long, and he was halfway across when he noticed that aside from the car behind him, there was one in front, too. He was surrounded on both ends. No matter which way he went, he'd be caught.
It's all over, Rabbit thought. The mountain. The butler. The Trix. I'll never get to live out my dream.
That was when Rabbit realized that, no, he couldn't have a butler serving him the Trix on the mountain's peak, but he could at least taste the crunchy goodness that was the cereal he had long coveted.
He looked right and left. Below the bridge was just mist. He knew what he had to do.
As the two police cars approached him on both ends, he made his way to the bridge's end. He held the cereal up like Simba was held in The Lion King. However, instead of singing one of the movie's memorable songs, Rabbit started singing the greater works of Puccini.
"I will finally taste the Trix, even if it's the last thing I do," he said, and he jumped. As he dove into the misty abyss, Rabbit took a handful of cereal out of the box and stuffed it in his mouth.
And the last thought he had as he plunged towards his untimely death was, Eww.
Well, there you have it. Our story about the Trix rabbit snapping. Hopefully this story has changed your life. Hopefully, you will never be able to watch a Trix ad the same way every again.
We would love to hear what you thought!
Thanks for reading!
- Morine and RentBoheme