|Kishijoten in 'Drunkerella'
Author: u r - w a i f u PM
It's when Fairy tales meet crack for the first time along with Kishijoten pulling the strings to this Parody-ish of a tale of love for sake, money and of course se--ntimental stuff that will make you wish I hadn't created another kids story. Not for kids.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,107 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 08-05-10 - Published: 07-14-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2828499
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Kishijoten in 'Drunkerella'
Happily ever after… sure, yeah right…
This Chapter has been brought to you by the letter "F" and the number "U"…
What does that spell, kids? Censorship of the worst kind~
After putting my 'Pimp' job into action, I decided to go back home and enjoy the money the little brunette was making for me. Just when I sat down to my decaying chair and count all my moolah, my step-mother came storming in carrying a mountain of clothes with her.
"Kishijoten, since you are the little sister of this family and underdog…" She quickly threw the clothes at me, "You must dress us for the upcoming Royal Ball that will be held tonight… and guess what?"
I pulled a corset away from my face to answer her, "What?"
"You won't be coming, 'cause… 'cause I said so." She says as she leaves me with the clothes.
I sighed and tumbled my way out of the mountain of clothes that were smothering me. I looked down at the clothes and smiled. Yeah, sure I'll dress them… but no one said that I was the one with the good fashion sense. Actually, I have no fashion sense at all. So, dear step-mother and step sisters, Kishijoten is about to give ya a new make-over~
After being bashed up by my step-sisters for making them look like fresh off the street prostitutes, they simply left in a carriage without saying goodbye. Those shitbags should fry in hell… talking about frying stuff, I should prepare my rat for dinner.
I walked into the kitchen and was surprised that my dead rat had disappeared. A little toucan squawked from the opened window making me turn around and find my rat inside its beak. I quickly pulled on the tail of the rat that hanged out from the toucan's beak but the stupid toucan wouldn't budge.
"God damn it! Since when was there such a thing as toucans in a place like this?" I say as I let go of my dinner.
The toucan squawked and flew away. I was left there, all alone, with no dinner, no family… GAH, FUCK THIS SHIT!!! I'm gonna drink my pains away…
I ran up to my secret cupboard and pulled out bottles of sake, tequila and beer and began to chug away my worries and pains. I knew I was drunk when I imagined a peachy octopus staring right at me with beady black eyes and standing next to it was an android-like boy.
"Eh? Are you two gonna take me away to the asylum? Oh, ok then…" I say as I stumbled my way towards them.
The 10 year old android-like boy seemed to be wearing a dress with fairy wings. He sighed and looked back at me, "Kishijoten, it seems that you've drunk your way into insanity… either that or you're delusional… But due to your misfortune, we will grant you one wish, since I am the Fairy Godmother…"
"Oh ok then… I wish… I wish for…" I shut my eyes tightly and found a perfect wish, "I wish for another bottle of Vodka!!!"
"No, Kishijoten, the wish to go to the Royal Ball so you can become a gold-digger and get the Prince's money…" The android-boy says effortlessly.
"Ok then…then I'll wish for a club sandwich!!" I say, "Since that effing toucan stole my dinner…"
"No, Kishijoten… ya fucking retard, you're going to the ball and that's final." He says as he waves his magic wand, "La~La~, ya retarded drunkard, you shall go to this dumbass ball~ 'Cause it says so in the script~ Dadadah-duun~"
"Kyuun~" Uttered the baby octopus.
Everything seemed to go in a flash as the weird peachy octopus coiled itself around my neck and started choking me, making me become unconscious.
Strangely I ended up in front of the huge double doors that lead inside the palace. Before entering I checked what my so-called fairy Godmother gave me to wear. The traditional gothic black dress, just like in the usual 'Cinderella' stories, and with glass pumps. Man, my fairy Godmother has a weird style of clothes... but I like it. As I took a step forward towards the door my glass shoes shattered upon my weight making some shards piercing into my feet.
"Shit, I should've seen this coming…" I say as I pulled my feet away from the bloody mess.
The doors magically opened showing a group of couples dancing with each other and the prince far away, sitting on a chair. It was impossible to see him from where I was standing so I decided to get a better close up of him.
As I walked down the stairs everyone stopped and stared at me. In annoyance I stopped and stared back at them… but it seemed that my 'evil-eye' attack wouldn't work on them. I continued walking down the stairs and suddenly they started singing as if this was a musical of some sorts.
"Oh what a lovely girl has entered the room~ Yet her fashion sense isn't much expected as a princess~" One sang as I passed by the motionless couples.
"I would trade my wife for that girl anyday~" One sang but stopped when his partner slapped him, "Ouch. Ok, Ok~ I take it back~"
"Oh my, that girl looks awfully familiar~" One of my step-sisters sang.
"Way too familiar~" Another step-sister sang.
"What the heck is this~" Step-mother sang.
I ignored all their singing as I was almost a few feet away from the prince but I stopped in mid-stride as I noticed who it was…
"ZOMG! You're my working prostitute! The brunette that was stealing my cookies…" I say as I pointed at him in astonishment.
"… Oh, it's my pimp… How's it going, biach?" He says emotionlessly, "As you can see I'm a bit busy finding my princess… so go now."
"Huh?" I say as some body guards took a hold of my arms and pulled me away, "No! This isn't fair… God damn it! This is the worst fairy tale eveeeer~"
They threw me outside and slammed the door shut. Damn, now I feel like a true bitch… but at least I have the money… but I think I spent all of it on my booze…
"GOD DAMN IT!!!!!"I yelled as I fell on my knees.
Just then my stomach growled, "Just shut the fuck up stomach!" I say as I punched my stomach causing more pain, "There, that'll teach you to mess with me…"
*Meanwhile, the Prince began to choose his princess*
The brunette prince sat on his throne as he stared at the specimen before him. He didn't look interested at all but it was a prince's job to multiply, right?
"Hiya, I'm Deredere of the Choucho residence! It's a pleasure to meet you, prince…" A cheerful pink haired girl says with a cute smile.
"Too cute…" The prince says as he pointed at the other 'rejected' girls, "Next."
"… Hi, I'm Tsundere…" A girl with brown hair says looking a bit flustered, "I… I don't want to be here you know… It's unlike that I'm at all attracted towards someone like you… I assure you—"
The prince interrupted her and quickly pointed to the rejects, "You lie too much about your feelings. Next!"
A girl with light green hair walked up emotionlessly and stared back at the prince, "I'm Kuudere. If we engage in the act of sex and I give birth to an heir I assure you that is when our marriage will end…"
The prince looked at her surprised but then pointed to the reject pile, "You're not interested enough… so I'll pass on you…"
"Sure thing, Sex God." She says flatly as she steps off the stage.
"Hello! I'm Pettanko…" A short girl with purple hair greeted the prince with a curtsy.
"Too flat chested…" The prince says and then takes another look at her, "You're a child… are you even legally allowed to marry at such an age…"
"I'm not a child!" She says a she pokes her tongue out, "I'm 16 years old… and I'm still working at the flat chested problem!!!"
A gray haired girl kicked Pettanko out of the way and smiled back at the prince. "Hey, good looking. I'm Yangire! The most energetic of all~"
"Too violent…" The prince says as he sighs.
Yangire smiled widely back at the prince and then punched him in the face before being dragged away, "I regret nothing~"
A girl with wide circular glasses and black hair walked towards the prince with a companion by her side.
"Good evening, sire. I'm Meganekko and this is Dandere…" She says as she gestures towards the silent dark blue haired girl next to her, "I hope that—"
"Too polite…" He says at her and then looks at the child-like dark blue haired girl, "And too quiet."
A girl with orange hair walked up with a psychotic smile on her face and a knife in one hand. "I'm Yandere… I would like to cut you up in tiny pieces but before that I would like to fuck your brains out…"
"Ummmm…. Next!!" The prince says as he snapped his fingers for a new girl but no one appeared.
"Sorry, sire… There seems to be none left… except for that 18 year old mother…" Says one body guard.
"I'm not going to take my chances with that woman…" He says as he stands up from his throne.
"Hey! I'm not that old…" Kishijoten's Step-Mother called from the sidelines.
"I'm going to chat with my Pimp for some advice…" The prince says as he walks across the dance floor and towards the doors where Kishijoten waited on the other side, "If I'm gone for more than 2 years… then that's when you'll go tell my parents that I'm missing…"
*Now back to Kishijoten's Side*
I was too busy biting my arm to notice the doors behind me open but the warm hand on my shoulder was the thing that snapped me back into reality.
"Huh?! Where's my manwich?" I say as I look up to the prince, "Gah! Closet Boy! I mean… Gah! The Prince!"
"Kishijoten… I have chosen yo…" Suddenly his alarm in his watch went off, "Oh, my shift is over…"
"Shift? What shift?" I ask as he walks off towards a sports car that was waiting for him.
"Why, my shift of being a prince of course! The new guy will come at any moment now…" He says as he jumps into his car and speeds away.
"Hey, Kishijoten." A familiar voice called from behind me. I turned around to find Yuji/neighborhood hobo-man, "I've chosen you, for no apparent reason, that you'll be my princess. And you can't decline this invitation!"
"WTF?! How are you the prince?" I ask.
"Meh, it's a shared job between me and the other prince. Now let's live happily ever after~" He says as he takes my hand.
"And so concludes our story. Kishijoten was never alone and lived happily ever with her Prince, Yuji. No one actually knew what happened to the unnamed prince along with the step-mother and step-sisters, but hey this story doesn't include that type of shit.
After marrying Yuji, five seconds after Yuji's proposal, Kishijoten became both a princess and some sort of super gold-digger/Pimp/Alcoholic/Writer/Superhero by night and hangover by day/character of her own imagination with all the riches in the world to buy the cheapest quality of booze.
The true moral of this story is to expect the unexpected and that surprises are both good and bad… and this story truly doesn't have a proper ending… So I'll just make one up:
And so on the prince's death bed the poor 18 year old Kishijoten mourned for her 19 year old dying husband. Of course, he was dying of old age. And as he slipped away towards the other world, in those few seconds… Kishijoten inherited from the prince's will all of his fortunes, houses and especially the secret stash of booze.
'Yay~ So there really is a happy ending here.' Cried Kishijoten in happiness as she danced on her late husband's grave.
And there, Kishijoten walked into the sunset hand in hand with all her random hobo fwends, that came out of nowhere, as they smiled happily at their misfortune/weirdness… The End…"
I looked up from my little book at the little children who I was reading to. The children were all huddled up together, scared as hell, as the Librarian shook her head at me.
"What? What the hell is your problem?! You told me to read them a damn story!" I say as I stuffed my little book inside my bag.
"Kishijoten Inue!! Get out of this public place this instance! No, better yet, you're banned from the library forever!!!" The librarian yells as she points out to me the door.
"Shhh, no talking!" I whisper as I ducked behind her, "And why would I want to go back here?"
Just before she respond I quickly ran out of the library and pondered on who will be my next target for corruption. Mmm, corruption…