Author: Caseus PM
dominic knows he will never be worth it for grant, and refuses the light he offers. angst, slash, oneshot. a lot of metaphors. idek.Rated: Fiction K - English - Romance/Angst - Words: 1,406 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Published: 07-15-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2828871
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
dominic is watching when grant paints, and grant speaks as the paintbrush flows over the canvas, leaving trails of yellow and green and red.
"i've only been painting for a few years," grant is saying, knees brushing ever so slightly against dominic's. "my parents wanted me to. i didn't want to at first. to be honest, we fought a lot and i always dreaded going to art class." grant chuckles. "but eventually i gave in and trained myself to actually enjoy myself a little, and i ended up enjoying painting. it's my way of letting go."
dominic cocks his head to grant, but he says nothing.
"letting go of what? well, you know." grant turns to dominic and smiles. "letting go of the world. the same way you play soccer. i paint."
dominic tells himself not to fall in love with all of grant's imperfections, but knows he already has.
they're with their friends, but dominic is more than vaguely aware that he is standing next to him, and their arms are lightly brushing. he knows they aren't the closest, but they're close enough, and he knows that one of his friends is talking to him, but he is focused on what is at his side. he can only hear grant's light and childlike voice next to him.
"come on dominic. you want ice cream?" grant offers, breaking him out of his daydream. dominic turns and sees the light on grant's face and he wants to live in that light forever.
"i ah... no, it's fine," dominic replies quickly, finding his head again. "i don't have money anyways."
"oh come on. i'll pay for you." grant sends dominic an assuring grin, and dominic wants it to say more.
and at this want, he feels himself break a little but he knows it will never happen. he denies grant once again, and tries his best not to bask in this boy's words.
there's something about the way dominic breaks when he walks in when grant is crying in his room. his mother doesn't know but she had looked angry when dominic had entered the house, and dominic doesn't know what is going on. he's only coming over for his weekly wednesday video gaming, that's all.
"dom?" grant looks up from his knees and his eyes are shining and pure. "sorry about this, i'll wash up and you can start up the ps3--"
"why are you crying?" dominic interrupts, looking at grant concernedly. "why...?" he kneels down, but he is looking up to grant.
"it's just-- my parents. they won't stop fighting. and i hate this." grant sniffles and wipes his face. "i hate living like this."
"i'm sure it'll be over. don't hate it," dominic calms. "and whatever happens has a reason. don't be like this, grant. i don't want to see you upset."
grant looks up to dominic. "you really mean it?"
"of course." dominic's lips curl. "i care only about you, grant." he knows grant won't take his words as literally as he says it, but he lets them sink in.
grant smiles. "thank you, dominic," he says, getting up from his dresser, and his eyes are no longer shining with misery, but rather twinkling in assurance. he turns to face the mirror that has been standing behind it, looks in it and chuckles. "man, do i look like a mess now."
dominic casts his gaze into the mirror as well, and finds that grant will forever be more beautiful than him.
he admires how perfect grant is formed, how his gray eyes are bright and honest, how his dark hair falls over like light ashes, how his voice is a little high but melodious, how his nose is crooked but just right, how his arms and body and legs flow with the beauty that comes from grant's soul, because that is who he is.
and each time, dominic breaks a little inside. he breaks when he sees how perfect grant is. it is not because he is jealous. but because he is not good enough for him. he never will be.
dominic tries to escape like grant says he does when he's on the soccer field. he tries to forget everything about the world, tries to forget about grant, tries to forge that he will never be perfect enough for grant.
but his mind keeps drifting and in the end, all he can think about his grant. all he can think about is how grant is pure and not corrupted and not like anything else dominic has ever seen before. all he can think about is as much as dominic tries to do everything for him, he will never measure up. because he will never do anything that can even be considered to be compared to the other boy.
and dominic realizes that he cannot escape from the world. because grant is his world, and he cannot escape from grant.
it is dark when he is alone. dominic stays in the shadows, and he does not want to come out.
"come out," grant tries to persuade him, to pull him out of the unknown. "don't be afraid. come out and stay with me."
dominic ignores him and keeps by himself, to himself.
"come out," grant continues to call. "come into my light. come on, dom. please."
dominic refuses. he knows he cannot go into the light. he does not deserve it.
"where were you?" dominic asks as he sees grant appear. they're with their friends again, but all the others are too busy talking to each other and dominic feels like he has a special relationship with grant. he doesn't, of course, but he wants one and he can't have one because he's not good enough for grant.
"bathroom. where did you think i was?" grant asks with a smile that makes dominic's heart feel so full that it breaks.
"i don't know." dominic heats up. "i was just asking."
"okay." grant continues to smile, and dominic doesn't know if he wants to keep it in his heart forever or wipe it off his face. grant puts his hand on dominic's shoulder. dominic moves away, takes it off.
"you're a good friend, dom," grant tells dominic, and dominic is thinking, that's all i'll ever be, all i can be, because nothing i do is enough for you.
in the mornings, dominic is the happy dominic, the one who is happy and looks forward to talking and speaking with and seeing grant because grant makes everything better. at noon, dominic counts all the moments he spends because the day is half over. and at night, dominic is the lonely dominic, and he tells himself that no matter how much he is with grant, no matter how much he loves him, this is how he is. this is all he ever will be. because in the end, he will always be alone, because grant is everything and as much as dominic tries, he will never be more than nothing.
so dominic learns to not even try anymore. and each smile he gives is fake, and he tries and pretends and make believes that they are real. he pretends he only loves grant as a friend, that he treats grant the way he wants to be treated-- but dominic doesn't want to be treated the way he treats grant, because he doesn't deserve it. and grant is so much greater, so much better than him, and it's not just that grant can do better than him, but that dominic will just never be enough.
maybe one day grant will see that dominic is breaking inside, that his mouth is crying every time he speaks because he hopes one day he'll be enough. he won't, dominic knows, but sometimes this false hope drifts into his mind and he forces it out and continues spreading his own fake light with grant. grant doesn't see that this light is fake, he doesn't see that dominic is broken. but dominic always knows in the back of his mind with every laugh he lets out, to grant, he will never be enough.