|V sez, Episode 2: Attack of the Twihards!
Author: V.M.Stone PM
She's baaa-aack! Everybody's favorite-or at least I hope I am-failslayer returns to comment on and parody Twilight. Be afraid, Twifans. Be very afraid. Everyone else: enjoy the lulz. UPDATE: Seemingly removed yesterday. This is take two.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 42,755 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 11-13-12 - Published: 07-19-10 - id: 2830055
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
V sez: Soulsisters is going rather slowly at the moment, so I figured I'd better just leap right into good old Twishite in the meantime. I think it may actually be less risky to put it up here as a parody-which it basically is-than on FF net, as (hopefully) there will be too few angry rabid fans reading to get it taken down, while at the same time there will be just enough of them around to give me that hatemail I've been longing for. So, kiddies, without further ado, I present the preface of "Twilight." Let the jeering commence!
For my big sister, Emily, without whose enthusiasm this story might still be unfinished.
V sez: Nice of her to give our curses a forwarding address.
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,
thou shalt not eat of it:
for in the day that thou eatest thereof
thou shalt surely die.
V sez:Not sure what this has to do with vampires, but I'm pretty sure nobody in this book shows any signs of suddenly-acquired knowledge, so I suppose it's nothing we need worry about.
I'd never given much thought to how I would die
V sez: Chipper though your tone may be, somehow I find this hard to believe.
— though I'd had reason enough in the last few months —
V sez: Contemplating the death of Bella Swan. What do you know, Bella; looks like we've got something in common after all!
but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.
I stared without breathing
V sez: She hasn't quite worked her way up to doing both at the same time, but all things takes practice.
across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.
V sez: See, manners aren't dead! Their recipients, on the other hand...
Surely it was a good way to die,
V sez: Cheerful, ain't she?
in the place of someone else, someone I loved. Noble, even.
V sez: (Machiavelli) And now I'd like to introduce the newest member of the Satirists-Taken-Seriously Alliance: Mister William Shakespeare.
That ought to count for something.
V sez: (Sidney Carton) You'd think so, wouldn't you?
I knew that if I'd never gone to Forks, I wouldn't be facing death now. But, terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision.
V sez: My dear, there's an interesting concept I'd like to explain to you. It's called "priority."
When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.
V sez: There's probably a few displaced refugees and genocide victims who disagree with you there.
The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill me.
V sez: Godspeed, my good man, and if we're going to be biblical here, then, for the sake of good literature, please be fruitful and multiply.