I envy you in your death –

of the ability your ability not to choose.

You take life as it comes and flees –

I wish I could walk in your shoes.

-

I'm seeking a silent solace

in a world that keeps buzzing on.

You turn a back to the dark abyss

while I gaze in and wonder what I'm doing wrong.

-

We turn sad eyes on the sick, the poor

as they work endlessly to exist, to merely be.

And as I struggle not to throw goodness away,

you turn eyes of twisted sympathy toward me.

-

This death is a cycle we cannot change

no matter how you might wish to delay.

Often you cling to fame and bitter immortality

just to push the darkness away.

-

Then by accident, by another's design,

millions move beyond the veil.

A knife in the side, a twist and fall,

you cling to life, but fail.

-

How do I explain this urge of mine

to willingly give up a sky so blue?

Words merge with incessant calculations –

just me grinning to imitate you.

-

At night I shiver at the notion

that you might finally see

through this charade and lock me away

for my own good, throwing away the key.

-

For the thought of choice makes you shiver

in horror and in sorrow,

and no matter how those like me suffer

you want to see us smile tomorrow.

-

I envy you in your death –

with my cellophane smiles and desperation

tucked neatly away on a shelf.

For in this world I can neither live

nor die with myself.