|Metafictionized Phlebotinum Poisoning
Author: Wooper PM
Contains a lot of Metafictional elements, so that's why it's titled as it is. Involves a 100% normal boy, an extradimensional guy with a lisp, PLOT holes, and evil Mary Sues. Warning: 4TH WALL UNDER REPAIR. TAKEN DOWN FOR PUBLICATIONRated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Words: 832 - Reviews: 46 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 03-12-11 - Published: 08-22-10 - id: 2841020
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
One, This is Chapter One
This is a work of fiction. No, you are not reading the acknowledgements at the beginning of this story. You are reading the story. From the style of narrative you could probably tell, that I am… well, someone, and that I have some sort of consciousness. Yeah, this is a story told from a first-person narrative, but I just happen to be one of those omniscient, third-person narrators. Now isn't that cool? (However, your answer is probably an unimpressed "no".)
It may seem contradicting to you non-omniscient humans that a third-person narrator could also be narrating from a first-person perspective, but hey, it's happening right before your eyes. However, rest assured as I will reprise my role as the bodiless narrator, never interfering with the plot or messin' with the characters. Now, I would assume it is perfectly clear to you that I am not the protagonist. By the way, if you're thinking that I am only speaking directly to you just because this is the first chapter, you might as well close this webpage (yes, I do recognize the fact that I am in a webpage, thank you very much), as this is by no means a normal piece of fiction. The fourth wall will be repeatedly broken down as I pop up repeatedly from nowhere, and silently rebuilt as you forget about me and focus on the hero(es).
Now, about our hero, or protagonist. His name is Tagino Storp. No, it doesn't mean anything meaningful or symbolic in any language. He is normal, so very normal that he won't even appear at all in any "normal" pieces of fiction. His face is nondescript, period. The only description (I am fully aware of the contradiction, thank you again) I can give you is: short brown hair, brown eyes, not too big nor too small, a normal nose (think: not Snape), a shade of ordinary-looking yellowish-white for skin and some pimples. Now you can't even picture him in your mind, can you? I thought so. His body? Tall, on the skinny side with a barely noticeable limp on his left leg when he walks. And as far as it is relevant to this story, he did not have any sort of special markings, scars, and the like anywhere on his body, unless you count the pinhead-sized birthmark on his shin.
(You are perfectly welcome to skip to the last line if you don't want me to stuff Tagino's normalcy down your throat.)
To make things clear, Tagino Storp was a 15-year old human boy who was completely normal. His parents were alive and well, and have lived up to their roles as parents. He also had a sister who is younger than him by 8 years, but I am fairly sure that she will not play an important role in this story. There was nothing special about his ancestry, as only known ancestors were potters (No, not those Potters!). And, as he lived in downtown Now Here City, there was no prophecies of any sort made about him, or the like. Nor did he exhibit any signs of special powers at any time in his life so far. As you can see, I am attempting to expunge from your minds any notions that there was anything special about this boy. Convinced now?
And NO, he did not sparkle in the sun.
On to other aspects of Tagino's normalcy. Our hero was neither constantly immersed in angst nor perpetually cheerful. He had a personality that one would describe as, well, normal. He had a normal range of hobbies and interests, including basketball, which he was quite skilled at, and video games. Nothing special there, huh? As it is a relevant part of his character, it is important for the reader to know that Tagino does not have any sort of musical prowess. This would later play an important part in his tale. This boy was completely normal, as I've said. He would have fitted in your school, provided you did not go to a school of "Sorceresscraft and Sorcery".
Having heard me babble on for half a page about how "normal" the protagonist of this story is, you have probably grown tired of my babbling and most likely convinced of his normalcy. Well, the adventures of Tagino Storp, the perfectly normal boy, are about to begin. And again, when I say adventure I don't mean adventure in the normal sense; our hero won't come across something extraordinary while cleaning up an attic; the extraordinary will come across him.
While I would love to continue this chapter, there is no more background knowledge I need to fill you on. Now let us follow Tagino Storp into his world, into a world of adventure, and a world of [fill in meaningful adjective here]. (Yes, you just read that.)