|Always the Spark
Author: Darkest Fantasy PM
...And when our lips touched the spark burned fiercely and turned to wildfire. Turned to electricity. Ran through my veins. Ran through my nerves. My bones. My mind..." The love, the pain, the guilt...it drove her to madness. To insanity. One-shot.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Angst - Words: 1,385 - Favs: 1 - Published: 09-07-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2845735
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I've been called many things, but I've never been called blind. No, never blind. Crazy maybe, but not blind. Because I see. Oh yes I see. I see more than you ever could. More than you ever will. No no no. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to myself again. But I'm sure you hear me somehow. Because I can see, and you can hear.
Maybe you don't even hear. Maybe you just know. You just know what's on my mind. You always seem to know, and on the rare occasion you don't know you ask. And I tell you. I always tell you. Because I have no choice. Because you have that power over me. Power over me…It's always about power. Your eyes have power. They're deep and endless, and when those eyes look into mine I have no power anymore. I'm yours and that's all that matters. All that matters.
I shake my head violently and tangle my fingers into my hair. Always on my mind. Always, always. Why? Why can't you just leave me alone? Leave me in peace? Stop hurting me. Never wanted to cry. Never wanted to cry over you. Just wanted to be with you. Go. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.
Patches of sanity show through deliriousness. They should go too. Leave me alone. Why do the thoughts repeat? Over and over and over. Not even echoes. Just repeating. Not leaving me alone. Not giving me any peace. Over and over…
My body twists in pain. I barely notice. Body? No. There's only my mind. Only me here. And you of course. You're always here. Sometimes I want you to leave, but I never mean it. If you left I'd only want you back. You left once, only for a little while. When you left my head I had to find someone else to fill the place. I tell you he was attractive. He wasn't you though. And when he touched me…You came back. I felt guilty. I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to…didn't mean to. You just hurt me so bad. I wanted you gone. But you came back. You always come back. Back here, in my head.
He didn't know about you. Didn't know you in person or the shadow of you that resides in my mind. Didn't know you exist. Didn't know I love you. He didn't know anything. No, wrong. He knew lust. I only wanted you. Only you; only you. So it's only natural that when I came back I told you. I spilled my guts out for you. I didn't mean to. It was going to be my secret, only mine. Not even you would know. But you always know. You asked what was wrong, and I told you. Guilty, guilty guilty. My body convulses once again.
And how sweet it was when you didn't judge me. Sweeter still when you were jealous. Jealous of him. Jealous for me. You wanted me didn't you? You still do. Still do. Why not claim me then? Why not do what you're supposed to, and say I'm yours? Why? Not love. It's not love. You don't love me. You don't know love. You know many things. You know lust. But not love. Not in the sense of true love. And you don't want to hurt me. So, so wrong. Hurt me. I'm yours to hurt.
But you're afraid. You've always been afraid, since her. Since the one I hate left you dying inside. Never knew her. But I hate her. Never hated anyone but her. Because she hurt you. Hurt you far worse than you ever deserved to be hurt. Left you in pieces. Burned you. Scattered the ashes. And now I can't put you back together. Can't teach you to love again. Because you're afraid. If you weren't you'd be mine. Curse her. Damn her to the depths of Hell. She never deserved you. Never loved you like I do. But she killed you. You were different. I didn't know you then, but I know you aren't the same person. Scared. Always scared. Scared of love. Damn her.
Damn. Damned. Hell. Fire. I can tell you about fire. I know of fire. I know how it burns deliciously and inflames your senses. You caught me on fire. You started a spark. I was dead, but you started a spark. And I was alive. I was on fire. It started with a spark. It started with you. With you. I just want to be with you. Always with you. You started the spark. And when our lips touched the spark burned fiercely and turned to wildfire. Turned to electricity. Ran through my veins. Ran through my nerves. My bones. My mind.
Never kissed anyone like that. Never tasted anyone like that. Your taste in my mouth…the spark. Sparks. Electricity. You jumpstarted my senses. You jumpstarted my life. Your lips…on mine. Your hands. Your body so close…your warmth…your smell. Gone. Gone, gone, gone. My body twists in agony once again. Gone.
I had my chance. Then fate worked against us, and we were separated. It tried to put out the spark. Can't happen. Can't happen. Won't happen. Never happen. But it took you from me. It took me from your arms. It laughed as my mind shut down knowing that I'd see you, but that your lips wouldn't touch mine. Your hands wouldn't touch mine. Your hands…Your hands wouldn't touch me. Agony. More agony. More twisting. More pain. No tears. Never tears.
When I look at you I remember. I remember the way you looked in the moonlight on those nights. The best nights. The way your eyes saw not just me but my very soul. The way your eyes said, "I love you." Did your eyes lie? When I hear you I remember. I remember the way you whispered so sweetly. I remember the sound of air filling your lungs and you releasing this air back into the world. Your sweet air. And your heartbeat. Beating. Always beating. Your tell-tale heart. Put my head to your chest. Let it sing to me. Play me a song. A song that spoke of love. Did your heart lie?
And when you hug me or touch my hand…those memories must be the most painful of all. Remembering you holding me so, so close. I remember your lips on my lips. Your lips on my skin. Skin. Your fingertips. Fingertips on my skin. Electricity. Love. Did your lips lie? And your fingers? Fingers…hands. Your hands holding mine. You marveling at how delicate and soft they were. Do you remember that night as clearly as I do? Even in madness I remember. Remember. I always remember. Always. Memories. Pain. Agony. Why?
Every sin you've committed…Sin. Sin. Guilt. Sin. I sinned. I sinned a lot. After you. His hands…his lips. Not yours. So guilty. Didn't cheat. You weren't mine. Felt like I was unfaithful though. How is it possible? Every sin. Every sin you've committed. Against me. Against yourself. Against everyone. I've forgiven. Forgiven. Am I forgiven? Guilt. Guilty. Always guilty. It wasn't you; it wasn't you. Forgive me. Hold me. Guilt. I forgive you…
Holding my knees to my chest. Rocking side to side. Head shakes violently. Body shakes harder. Holding myself together. I need you; I need you. I miss you. Agony. Shaking. Memories of you. Memories of me. Me and you. Memories. Always the memories. Lips…hands…eyes. Your eyes. Those beautiful eyes. And the spark. Always the spark. Always memories. Of you. Always of you. Always bring pain. Pain and love. I love you. Love…love. Love me? Hope you will someday. For real. Heal your heart. I'll help you. Heal. Love. Live. Live for me. Love me; you know I'll always love you. You started the spark. Always the spark…