Author: Lover of the Dark PM
Just me. Going on about everything that's so sickening... the different sides and what they all mean and what each and every single one does. Don't read it if you don't like the fact that this is real. It's me.Rated: Fiction T - English - Angst/Tragedy - Words: 2,547 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 09-14-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2847559
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
It's sickening sometimes how easy it is to fool people. I'm the innocent Charlie, the girl everyone knows as well as they know their sibling. I'm an open happy-go-lucky bitch that everyone just has to love. I can talk to someone for a few minutes and make them think that they're all I ever think about and in the end I can't even remember their name.
I want to hug someone tight and snicker into their ear about all the lies and disguises I have that no one ever notices. My rules help with this and keep everything in a nice simple line that no one can cross or even try, because in the end… it's over. I'm done.
There's no one who knows me better than I myself. I won't let anyone in for millions of reasons but here's one good one… whenever I let someone in… either they leave or I do. There's no point wasting my time. I just won't because in the end I'm not going to change. I'll continue with my disguises and rules that keep me safe so that I can keep myself secret, and help me stay someone untouched by others.
I'm just me.
No one can accept that so I just laugh in my room laying on my futon waiting for the world to take me under once again. If I was doing drugs no one would notice, and if I was having sex every weekend, no one would care. I'm innocent Charlie, the girl that everyone loves and tries to keep close.
I don't let off a sign or a sigh to let them know I'm not the girl they think I am. If I ever let something slip it's either on purpose or perhaps I want to see what will happen. Am I that insane? Perhaps but at this point I doubt I could bring myself to care even if I need to. I want to… oh damn do I want to…
But in the end I slip away.
It's funny how so many people try to get all possessive about me and try to show their dominance. It's interesting at times but mostly I just toy with the person and lead them along until all that's left is a boy trying to die for me waiting for me to finally open the door to accept them… the only problem is that they've been at the wrong door.
Ask me first and make sure that you have the right little girl you're sharing all your secrets with. There's several different me's but since they are all near the same it's easy to get away with it. I put them into simple terms by what that me normally does. There's the quiet me, studious me, happy me, and the kind me. These me's are the ones that most people know and care about, if not then they just ignore me completely.
The quiet me is normally just thinking of all sorts of things that could break me, ruin me, or devour me but this me doesn't care. When I act like this I rarely speak and when I do it's to make up for the silence the person I'm with isn't used to. Granted this me is around normally whenever there's a problem at home but it's not like I'm really thinking about that at the time.
This silent me can be rude and blow off people but only for as long as I can keep this me there. It's hard to keep this one on because of how much work it takes to maintain it. Normally I let it fall apart by the end of a school day. I rarely have it on the weekends.
The studious me is of a girl who's silent around the kids in class but is constantly doing her work is one I only use during classes without anyone I really have to act around. It's hard to understand but whenever I use this one it's almost like I understand how easy it is to be alone. That's something I don't want to get into right now. The word alone is just too ugly to speak of.
The happy me is probably the most known and the one that is the hardest to… well use. I can hold it for a long time but the after affects cause me a lot of problems. Whenever I see someone I know in the hallway I either put on a huge smile or a small soft one and wait for them to see it. Once the person passes by I erase the smile completely and go on my way. Blank faced and highly annoyed.
Even when I'm not in the mood I keep up this face from time to time because it's expected. I don't want to shock these people, instead I want to keep this up until I have graduated in order to insure that I have survived high school and no longer need these people. They were great for a while, helping to make sure that no one thought too low of my social standing.
That's not right though…
I'm not sure why but I never really cared about any of them yet I still hung out with all sorts of people throughout school. I only care about two and I'm beginning to think that I lost both of them a long time ago and I'm now just pretending to have something I haven't had for a while now. It's sickening. I have all these faces and keep all these people around that I can hardly bring myself to care for and yet I can't say for sure why I bother.
This is probably where the kind me comes in. That's the me where if anything happens I just smile and pretend that everything's okay. I'll give people what they need and give out compliments. Sometimes I'll start out conversations and try to make people feel happier about life. I keep this me when I shouldn't. It doesn't benefit me at all. Last year it just about ruined me in that class but for some reason I still have it. This mask isn't as mysterious as the others, or at least I actually know the reason as to why I still have it.
Sure you'd think that people would repay me, I can't remember anyone that did but it is possible. The truth of the matter is that the kind me is a me I'm not willing to give up. It's the me from my past and a me I want to keep with me always.
This is the person I was before I made that wish.
Four years ago I made a wish that I could be selfish for once and no longer allow people to walk over me. If you read anything above this… you'd know it came true. Now all I can do is sit in my chair regretting everything wishing I was the way I once was… but sadly that's not going to happen. I can't do that kind of dramatic change! It's just not possible!
Let me love the old me…
I'll continue to envy that weak innocent little girl. She doesn't understand a thing, and nor does she know how to love. It's funny that someone as sweet and kind as her… someone so shy and angelic was unable to love anyone.
I want to laugh… in fact I think I'm about to tremble in amusement and anger.
That's another thing. Anger, it's like adrenaline or something. Pounding through me in constant pulsations I could tap it's beat on the desk if I wanted to. Normally I'm too busy acting perfectly fine for anyone to notice the anger rolling off of me in waves. I love it, no one notices because I act normal, just like myself. The more I think about it… the more I realize this is rage.
Pure rage wanting to let itself out but I'm still able to smile if someone I recognize looks over at me. I really can't call them my friend because in the end I don't give a damn about them. I only care about one girl and frankly I'm still trying to decide if I'm fucking it over or not. I don't know. I could be. She likes to make me seem perfect, I doubt she even realizes how enraged I am all the time… and I don't know why.
People like to say there's reasons for rage as strong as mine. Someone figure it out then if you really want to because I just don't care. It's been a secret part of my life for a long time… don't ask how long, I honestly don't know. It could have been there before the wish but I'm not for sure. I wonder if I ever cared about this anger inside of me. I have things that make me mad such as what my stepdad did, threatening a book of mine, or hurting someone I care about.
I typically don't care about anyone. Very few people get to have the complete and real me with them all the time, actually… I don't think anyone has. Not even my best friend. Sometimes I still act around her because I'm scared. Her opinion scares me so much… almost as terrifying as my parents. It doesn't matter though. Even when I'm almost trembling in rage I still smile and act all hyper to keep up appearances.
It's wrong but still the way I do things. Masks… are beautiful things that can hide pure rage. Closing my eyes I think I can see it, red and hot with a tinge of darkness but at its center a fine point of pure frozen ice. I think it may be getting colder with each week.
When I'm sitting in class and no one's watching I sit there and just stay calm feeling it deep within my chest, a speck of ice is there at the center of the hot rage. Pulling me into it slowly but in a way that makes me sigh in pleasure waiting to understand, but then I think of a door I will never open and it pulls me away. Whenever I forget about my anger sooner or later it comes back ten times stronger. I can't think of anything but the anger then, it's tempting to let it all out but I have no idea how to other than violence.
This is just one side though, one side of two. Don't ask where all these parts of me come from… I guess I just keep describing all the bad because past this I can see nothing. That's why when my best friend wrote me a list of why she's jealous of me… I have to keep it somewhere safe that way when I need it I can see that there may be a couple good points to me. To this tainted thing I just happen to be.
The thing that hurts so much… is when people call me an angel, their angel, and try to lock me away like a bird in a cage. I almost cried when I found out my best friend had referred to me as one as well. I don't know why there are so many sides… but I guess this one is just as important as the others. The side that knows I'm not the angel everyone wants me to be.
I heard about it, the way they talk about me. I'm either tainted or an angel to most who know me. It's sick and wrong. Even strangers refer to me as an angel and I just don't understand it. Not at all. What am I supposed to think?! What am I supposed to be?! I can't be a perfect angel!
The bars are getting tighter and it's getting harder to slip through. I've never been an angel no matter how much they want me to become one. My best friend… it scares me. Would an angel say something that would make her best friend harm herself? I don't even know what I said.
All I know is that whenever she gives me a hint I try my hardest to remember because she matters to me more than a girl should. Every single day I try my best to fall in love with her, but I can't. I just can't. We're both girls but she likes some of the same gender… I know I'm straight but… things would be easier if I loved her.
This is probably why I almost cried when I read that she had thought I was an angel at one point, or at least wrote a poem calling me that. I love her so much and I want her to understand and accept everything. I'm just so fucking twisted..!
People like to call me perfect, pretty, and kind but in the end I'm NONE of those things. I'm just a girl who wants something… but I don't even know what. I do all this shit and I don't know what I think I'll gain from it. I can think of logical explanations but in the end I'm not sure if that's true. I hate this so fucking much.
I'm the hero…
I'm the one who's supposed to help everyone when they have problems and pick up the pieces when things go wrong. I've always been the prince in shining armor… I don't want, but I guess I do. I want someone to come into the picture and just… know me. All I want is someone to know me without me having to explain every damn thing to them.
It probably won't happen though. In the end I'm the same scared little girl that made that wish. I want to find someone to love and fall in love with me that way I can give this all up. The pain doesn't have to be real and the memories of all this shit in my life won't matter.
Can someone do that for me?
I doubt it.
The saddest thing of all… is that I don't know what I want. Not really. I'm full of contradictions wanting someone to know me without me telling them anything. How stupid is this?!
It's sickening… being me.