|Kingdom Vs Hansel and Gretal
Author: EL Naples PM
Humorus skit of the story of a trial of Hansel and GretalRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 4,651 - Published: 09-17-10 - Status: Complete - id: 2848273
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Kingdom V. Hansel and Gretel
Cast of Characters
Dr. I.M. Kiddlove –A child psychologist hired by B.B. Wolf as a means to analyze children
Bob Stanley (aka Mad Hatter) –The prosecutor for the Kingdom, tea loving fool
B. B. Wolf –Local child advocate and Defense lawyer for Hansel and Gretel
Hans Hedgehog –Judge for over seven decades, serious about his job
Tin Solider –The bailiff, he's a bit stiff.
Mr. J.P. Fearnot –witness for the prosecution, known for not being afraid of anything
Mrs. A.N. Fearnot –witness for the prosecution witness, wife of J.P. Fearnot, scaredy cat
Mr. Ginger Bread -expert witness for the prosecution, building expert and inspector
Mr. P.F. Mousekewitz –Detective witness, hired by Hansel and Gretel's stepmother
March Hare –Mr. Stanley's (Hatter's) assistant
Hansel and Gretel –the defendants, were lost in the woods, attacked by a witch
Princess from Rumpelstiltskin –the stenographer of the court, she's makes words golden
One Act Play
(Setting: A court room not unlike the normal ones, it has the Queen of hearts as blind justice on the wall, and various other fairy tale characters all around in painting as if they were in famous court cases. Time: Early afternoon, well before twelve pm.
On stage left there is a desk set up with four chairs, paper and pens; a briefcase is also on the desk. There are four chairs lined up. Sitting in three of these chairs are in right to left order: Gretel, a cute girl wearing a short skirt with a tank top, chunky shoes and pigtails, sucking on a lollypop. Hansel, her brother, who looks anorexic and has lots of tattoos on his arms, he's completely gothic looking, wearing all black. Dr. I.M. Kiddlove, the doctor hired by, Mr. Wolf, and he is dressed in a suit with a white coat and wearing glasses. These three are talking in low whispers to a man, with wolf's ears, this is Mr. Wolf. He is leaning over the desk near Gretel talking lowly.
On stage right there is another desk with two chairs. On the desk is a bunch of files, a tea set, and a large green top hat with cards sticking out of it. There are two men sitting in these seats. The one on the left is a man with brown rabbit ears, this is the March Hare, who is the assistant to the Prosecutor. On the right there is a man in a very garish purple suit. This is the Prosecutor, Mr. Bob Stanely, aka The Mad Hatter, the best Prosecutor in the Kingdom.
On stage center there is a large podium with the crest of the Kingdom on it. Two flags stand by the sides of the podium, while there is a girl in a long dress who is ready to type for the court, The Princess, and a tall young man that is very stiff in uniform holding a staff, this is the Tin Solider, who is the bailiff of the court.
There is noise coming from stage left and the Tin Solider looks over then back at the people in the courtroom. They are chatter with one another.)
(Bangs his staff on the ground making a loud sound to get attention)
All Rise for the Honorable Judge Hedgehog!
(Judge Hans Hedgehog enters stage left carrying a book with him and gavel. He is dressed all in black and seems to be rather irritated as he goes to his desk.)
(All stand in attention to the Juge as he goes up to his seat.)
(Whispers loudly to Dr. Kidlove)
Gee, this will be easy.
All I gotta do is throw some rings at him,
and give him a chilli dog and he'll be putty in my hand.
(Looks up from the book he was reading when he sat down,
and gives a nasty look to Wolf. )
My name is Hans Hedgehog, Mr. Wolf.
Don't mistake me for the Blue One.
I am not easily swayed.
Court is in session.
You may now be seated.
(Tin Solider moves the staff to be next to him and waits)
(Looks between the two desks at the lawyers.)
(Speaks calmly, almost bored)
Are the Prosecution and Defense ready?
(Stands up with a smirk to his body, almost joking)
We are ready your Honor.
(Takes a sip of his tea.)
Nothing like Earl Grey before a trial.
B. B. Wolf
(Stands also and has a hand on the desk, leaning in a bit.)
We are ready your Honor. And may I say that,
that is a lovely gavel you have there. Is it new?
(Looking rather annoyed raised eyebrow, leaning back in desk like he's looking at a baby that's just wet itself.)
No, Mr. Wolf.
I've had this gavel for seven decades,
and it will be used on your head if you continue
to try to flatter your way to a not guilty verdict.
B. B. Wolf
(Hands up, looking sheepish and innocent)
Sorry, your Honor.
It won't happen again.
Very well then.
Mr. Stanley, you may call your first witness.
(Walks away from the desk and starts to pace. The Jury would be the audience in this case. He's addressing them. )
Thank you your Honor.
I call Mr. J.P. Fearnot to the stand.
(J.P. Fearnot, a man that knows no fear, who is dressed pretty simply in jeans and a blazer, goes up to the stand and stands before the judge.)
(Comes over to J.P holding a book)
Do you swear...blah blah blah.
You know it's really a bother to have to keep
repeating myself. I'm sure you know the rest.
Er. I fear I do not.
Sucks to be you.
(Tin Solider walks off, and pulls out a piece of gum to start snacking)
(Walks near Fearnot as he's standing)
Mr. Fearnot, can you tell the court what you saw?
Well it was a nice day out, and I asked my wife if
she wanted to take a walk. So we walked through the forest, and on the way I was killing some wolverines. When my wife wanted to take a break, apparently she didn't like getting all the blood on her new dress.
I thought I heard some piglets squealing, and my wife noticed a house with smoke coming from the chimney. So, I walked over to the house to check just why there were pigs screaming in a candy made house.
And what happened then?
(Goes over by the desk and has the March Hare pour him a new cup of tea.
Smells it then sips and sighs loudly as if very very happy.)
I looked through the window,and saw two kids running away from an old woman. Then the girl tripped the old woman and the boy pushed her into the oven.
And after you witnessed such an event what did you do?
(Takes a long swig of the tea, after swirling it around, drinking loudly he walks about with the cup in hand, and seems to be thinking about something.)
They looked like little monsters.
So I ran away as fast as I could.
I didn't want to be thrown into the over too.
It looked waaaaaaaaaay to painful.
No further questions your Honor.
Your witness Mr. Wolf.
(Puts cup down on plate as if saying. You can't beat me.)
(Gets up and walks over to Fearnot. Glaring at Stanley.)
Mr. Fearnot, is true that you possess no fear?
B. B. Wolf
If that's true then why did you run away?
(Pokes a finger at Fearnot, striking a pose.)
They what Mr. Fearnot? What could two innocent children do to a woman as old as Mrs. Josefa Crone? Tell me did you really see them push her in? Or did you yourself do it after the children ran out?
Objection! Your honor!
On what grounds?
On Being a meanie!
Please get off your high horse Mr. Wolf.
Clearly Mr. Fearnot could not have done it.
(pouts and puts hands on hips)
And why not?
He's big enough to push an old woman in.
He was there at the time of the murder.
And he's already stated that he has no problem killing.
Objection Your Honor.
On the grounds that Mr. Fearnot
had no reason to harm Mrs. Crone.
Any more questions, Mr. Wolf.
B. B. Wolf
Yeah, I have one. What were the pig sounds?
Well they turned out to be my wife's farts.
(Looks grossed out as if going to puke)
No more questions then.
Ugh, that's waaaay to much info.
(Tin Solider ushers Mr. Fearnot off the Stand. He seems rather pleased with his testimony.)
Hey I forgot to do something while I was on the stand.
Don't even go there. If you were going to order a cheeseburger, the Judge would have rapped you over the head
with his gavel.
Awww, but I haven't had lunch yet.
Sucks to be you.
(Nods and motions to Stanley.)
Mr. Stanley, please call your next witness.
And make it quick, I have an appointment to get
my quills sharpened at the barber.
(pulls a new cup of tea from his hat)
Thank you, your Honor. I call Mrs. Fearnot to the stand.
(Mrs. Fearnot gets up and comes to the stand. She's a scared, twitchy woman that looks a bit like a mouse. She stands in the same spot as her husband had. The Tin Solider goes back over to her and holds the book out.)
(Holds up the book)
Do you swear…aww lets just skip it.
Lady do you intend to tell a lie?
(She looks about nervously and speaks in a soft voice.)
No. I don't think so.
(Walking away from the stand.)
Then we're done here.
(Waving his hand, looking tired)
Good then let's get on with it. Mr. Stanley you may start.
(Takes a gulp of his tea and grins at her.
Kind of flirty.)
It's Abby…Abby Norma.
Ah, what a sweet name.
It sounds so different, but so cute too.
I bet that's why your husband married you.
(Taps the gavel on the desk.)
Mr. Stanley we don't have time for this.
You can flirt with the witness after the trial.
B. B. Wolf
Hey he's stealing my act.
I was going to flirt with her.
(Clearly annoyed at B.B. Wolf)
Mr. Wolf! I suggest you be silent.
You're starting to annoy me, and you are not
good looking enough to flirt with the witness.
Mr. Stanley, please continue with the questioning.
(Smirks at B. as he walks past him then asks Abby.)
Alright Abby, Please tell the court why it was that your husband, a man that is supposed to not be afraid of anything, acted so scared about two little children?
(Watching the kids and shivering some nervous)
Well, you see, my husband and I decided to go for a walk in the woods. And while he was out killing the wolverines, it's really cute how he does it, my husband is so adorable. Well after a while I was tired of having my dress stained red with blood. Mind you though it's cheaper then dyeing it, so I didn't mind that much.
(Jumps up on the desk)
Objection! That is disgusting your Honor!
I demand to know why Mr. Fearnot took his
wife out to the woods.
That is a good point.
Mrs. Fearnot can you explain why
you had gone with your husband?
(Nervously playing with her skirt and moving around
as if needing to use the washroom.)
Well you see I wanted a new coat, so he decided to make me one. And it made sense to make it from wolverines. They're so plentiful out there. So that's why I was there, to pick out the best looking ones.
(Everyone in court stares at her with jaws dropped.)
What? They make good coats.
(Loud sigh and he rubs his head)
Right. Mr. Stanley continue, please.
(Gulps his tea down and smacks his lips)
Now, Abby, can I call you Abby.
Tell us what happened after you two stopped.
(Thinking and puts a finger to her cheek tapping it. Head tilted.)
Well he heard this weird sound; he thought it was pigs squealing, and looked around for it. It was really me farting, I had chilli for lunch. So to distract him I pointed out the house that had smoke coming out of the chimney. It was away from me, and I guess he thought that the sounds were coming from there. So he went over to check it out.
And then what happened?
After a few minutes he came back running and looking really afraid. Which is rare for him because he's not afraid of anything, normally that is. Well he didn't say anything when I asked what was wrong, only that we had to get out of there fast. So he threw me over his shoulder and carried me as he ran.
Did you see anything before you left?
No. I was too scared to look.
I just kept my eyes closed.
Thank you Abby.
(Takes a long sip of tea and looks at Wolf bored.)
Your witness, don't scare her with you big teeth.
B. B. Wolf
(Watching Abby as he paces)
So you didn't see anything?
(Shakes head vigorously)
No I was too afraid to look.
How scared were you really Mrs. Fearnot?
You had been in the woods with your husband
who was killing wolverines.
You couldn't have been that scared.
(Whimpers at the question showing that she's scared of B. B.)
I really was scared Mr. Wolf.
I'm even scared of being up here right now.
B. B. Wolf
(Smirks and shows his teeth)
Oh and why are you scared?
(Has tears in her eyes and looks ready to cry)
Because I don't like being stared at by hairy men!
Mr. Judge, can I leave now? I think I might have wet myself because of how scary Mr. Wolf looks.
(Wiping the sweat from his forehead)
Absolutely! Bailiff, please clean any mess left over.
(Looks utterly disgusted)
Do I have to?!
Hans, Wolf, and Stanley
(Abby quickly leaves the stage as Tin Solider goes and gets a mop
and bucket to clean up the stage where Abby was standing.
Tin Solider looks annoyed, mops up the floor, as Wolf tosses him a tip
for doing the job quickly. He looks annoyed as it's clearly a small amount.
Tin Solider wheels out the mop and bucket as Hans speaks to Stanley.)
Mr. Stanley you say you have two experts to testify.
Are they here and ready to speak?
Yes they are your honor.
I call Mr. G. Bread to the stand.
(A short man dressed all in brown comes up and takes his place.)
(Comes back on stage and holds up the book. Ginger doesn't want to touch it and Tin Solider pulls out gloves, and puts them on, then holds the book out. This time Ginger Bread puts his hand on it.)
Okay man, are you planning to tell the truth to this court,
and make it as quick as possible?
Sure thing, I have a meeting with a fox in about an hour.
Great, maybe now I can catch my soaps.
Wonder if Snow realized that Cinderella's
cheating on Charming with Happy.
(Goes over to his desk and pulls out a deck of cards
and starts building a card house on the desk. )
Mr. Bread can you tell us what you do for a living?
(Laughing some happily)
I'm a builder and a house inspector, the best in the Kingdom, in fact. Want to see the ribbons I have from making Sweet houses?
Not right now. But thank you anyway.
Now can you tell us about Ms. Josefa Crone's house?
And please tell us what you can about the type of house it is. If you please?
(Thinks for a while then smiles)
It's a gingerbread house.
You know like the ones you buy during Christmas.
That come in boxes and you put them together? Yeah that type of house is the one we're dealing with
only bigger…like a real house.
(Trying to get the cards to stay up. March Hare gives him tape to use.)
So then can you tell us about how stable the house was?
(Scratches head and rubs tummy)
Well considering the fact that it was made mostly of sugar
it wasn't all that sound to begin with. But with the kids
eating at it, well the structure really was going down.
I'm surprised that it didn't fall apart seeing as much as they ate.
So then you would say that the defendants weakened the house and it was sufficient grounds for Mrs. Crone to chase the children around to force them to pay for the damages they made on the house?
Yeah I'd say that it could be.
(Takes out a lot of tape to tape up the house)
Thank you, Mr. Bread.
Your turn Mr. Wolf.
(B.B. Wolf walks over with a sure smirk on his face.
The kids look nervous because they don't know what he has planned
And they don't want to be in trouble for what he does. They whisper to one another. )
B. B. Wolf
(Grins and walks in front of Ginger Bread)
So! Mr. Bread, you helped build the house.
You said it should have fallen apart. Wouldn't it make sense that the house was then held up by…
(Does a spin and strikes a pose)
Magic!!! And if it was MAGIC,
Then wouldn't you say that Mrs. Crone was a witch?
(Looks at Wolf as if he's nuts and smiles a bit more nervously)
Ah…well, not really. I mean she may have been, I don't know,
she seemed a bit crazy if you asked me. Asking for a huge oven in a small place like that. Could have started a huge fire.
So, if she was crazy enough to set up a house
with an obvious fire hazard, wouldn't you say
that she was crazy enough to eat the kids?
(Has not been paying much attention but he is now.
Knocks over his card house and Hare looks sad.
He worked hard on that house. )
Objection your Honor!
For what reason Mr. Stanley?
Clearly the witness is being badgered by the defense.
B. B. Wolf
I'm not badgering him.
(Goes to his desk and pulls a badger out of his briefcase
and throws it at Ginger Bread, who screams as he's attacked)
That's badgering the witness, Mr. Stanley.
No more question your honor.
(Ginger Bread leaves the stand, running off stage screaming about being eaten.)
I have one more person to call your honor.
B. B. Wolf
Do you need three quarters Mr. Stanley?
Are you calling in the calvary because you're losing?
Oh ha, ha. No.
I'm not giving up yet.
I call Mr. P.F. Mousekewitz to the stand.
(A very small man in a trench coat who has a gray hat on and mouse ears comes over to the stage. Tin Solider makes to move to ask him questions, then realizes he's a mouse and screams out scared, rushing from the stage.)
Oh dear I forgot that the baliff is scared of mice.
(Looking at the detective.)
Mr. Mousekewitz, can you tell us your job?
(In a high squeaky voice)
I'm a detective. I get hired by people to do their dirty work. And believe me some of it's really dirty.
I'm just a poor mouse living in a dog and cat world.
And can you tell us your role in this case?
(Shakes his tea cup to see if there is any more left.)
I was hired by Hansel and Gretel's Step- mom to follow the kids. I thought that I was just hired to make sure that they got to their grandmother's house. Little did I know that I was sent there to make sure that the kids got lost in the woods.
So tell us what happened when you got to the woods.
(Goes over to make more tea for himself.)
(Sniffs around and looks hungrily at the cheese that B.B. Wolf is eating)
Well I followed them in like I was told to. And after a while I started to get hungry and lost sight of them. Their dad had gone way a head with them. So I figured I'd have something to eat, and there were all these bread crumbs. I didn't know where they were from and they looked good, so I ate them.
And you never observed the children leaving the woods?
No. I just saw their father leaving.
Your witness Mr. Wolf, thank you Detective.
(Stalks over to Mr. Mouse and looks him over, then turns and paces away, then back again.)
Detective, I have one question to ask you.
Did you know that the bread crumbs that you ate
were the children's only way home?
(Looking really sad about this and rather embarrassed.)
No. I had no clue.
Wandering in the woods after two kids
Who are probably ten or older works up an appetite, ya know?
I saw them on the ground; my stomach was doing the thinking, honestly. And I ate them. You can't blame me for that.
Well then, you do realize that if you had not
Eaten them the children would have found their way home.
In short, it's your fault that Mrs. Crone died.
There's no proof that the children left those crumbs.
And therefore if the children didn't leave the crumbs
then Mr. Mouse was not at fault. He didn't turn
Mrs. Crone into a cooked sandwitch.
Hurry it along Mr. Wolf.
I really do need to get these quills sharpened you know.
B. B. Wolf
Fine no more question then.
( Mr. Mouse steps down from the stand and the Tin Solider
heads back in looking for the mouse.)
(Nervously, and peaking out from the left side of the stage.)
Is he gone?
Yes. He is Mr. Solider.
Now Mr. Stanley do you have anyone else
You want to call to the stand?
(Sits down now and looks smug as he and Hare clink tea cups)
No, your Honor.
I think Mr. Wolf does though.
Oh right. Sorry I forgot about your witness Mr. Wolf.
It's just that Mr. Stanley always has such interesting people Coming in as witnesses that everyone you bring in seems dull.
B. B. Wolf
(puts head on desk)
No one likes me do they.
I call…my only witness, and the only one I'll need.
Dr. I. M. Kiddlove could you please come to the stand.
(The Doctor comes up looking very serious, then puts on glasses that have swirls on them.)
(Holding the book and looking around nervously)
Just swear y-you'll tell the t-truth.
B. B. Wolf
(Pulls up a chair before the Doctor as he sits and eats an apple.
He seems very sure of himself here.)
Can you tell us, in your own words Doctor, what the children told you.
Thank so much, Mr. Wolf, for the chance to talk about this.
I conducted several interviews with the children, and throughout those interviews they consistently stated that they believed their lives were in danger. Mrs. Josefa Crone, apparently locked Hansel in a cage, whether this cage was real or imagined remains to be seen. Therefore we can conclude that it is irrelevant if the cage was real or not. They used the chicken bone as Hansel's finger to show weather he was ready to eat. They have also stated that they were adequately feed and clothed.
B. B. Wolf
So you feel that they were not in any danger then?
Oh heavens no. Because they believed themselves to be in danger they therefore were in danger and realized they needed to get away from Mrs. Crone. So the result was pushing her into the over. These children were
abused both emotionally and physically by adults, not only their parents, but apparently Mrs. Crone's actions seemed to indicate that she too felt the need to use these children for her own reasons.
(Grins happily and gets up. Smug at Mr. Stanley. Rocks Stanley's chair to wake him up. ))
All yours Mr. Stanley.
Good luck topping that.
I bet you can't even do that…
Hey wake up you dumb tea drinker.
No sleeping in court.
(Wakes up with a snort.)
Huh, huh, what.
Oh, right questions.
You're witness is so dull I fell asleep.
(Yawns loudly and drinks tea)
Dr. Kiddlove, I have only one question to ask you.
How exactly were the children mentally?
(Sighing and looking kindly at the two kids who smile at him happily.
Clearly they trust him a lot)
The children were distressed when they first came to see me.
It took a while for me to gain their trust. But I managed to over time. They were clearly worried about what would happen to them. And they still firmly believe that Mrs. Crone was a true witch. Is someone crazy to commit a crime because they feel their lives are in danger, even if the threat isn't real, or is it crazy to convict someone who commits a crime even though we probably would have done the same thing if we were in their shoes. How can we judge these two children to be guilty of murder if they were only acting as any sane person would if they felt someone was going to kill or harm them, or a loved one?
(Both Wolf and Stanley look dumb founded by this.)
(rubs his head right then and bang gavel)
I suggest we continue this tomorrow.
By then hopefully we can fully wrap our minds
Around what the Doctor has said. Even I'm a bit lost.
Court is adjourned. Now if you'll excuse me.
I have an appointment with a file.