~Chapter 1 Introduction To My Hell~

I have nightmares a lot. Bad ones. I wake up and try not to scream, or otherwise they will happen all over again. Instead I wake up shaking, sweating and covering my mouth. I can't calm myself down all I can do is quietly cry myself back to sleep. I live in the hell of my nightmares. Frankly monsters or murderers wouldn't be much of a nightmare compared to my daily reality. I can never escape my hell. I have no where else to go. I'll sit here in the darkness of my tiny bedroom in my apartment and try to fall asleep before I have to wake up and face it all again.

My nightmare…constant torment from my classmates not just verbal either. I can't walk down a hallway without someone hurling an insult or something at me. I have so many bruises just from school. School is just the first part of my hell. After school my day gets better. I work my normal job at a pet store. It's the only thing that gets me through the day, but after that I work a corner…Yes as a prostitute. From 9 pm to 1 am anyone can buy me. I don't make much money from it but it helps pay my bills.

Even the prostitution isn't as bad as what I have to face once I get home. I shouldn't even call it "home". Home implies that I'm welcome there and that people there care about me. My "home" is a slummy apartment where I live with my alcoholic roommate. My abusive alcoholic roommate. He's highly possessive as well. In my "home" I'm practically a slave and prisoner. He treats me likewise. I cook, I clean and he uses me like a sex toy. I can't walk in or out of the apartment without fearing rape or abuse. It's terrifying just trying to get ready for school and leave.

I don't understand why my life is this hell. What have I honestly done to hurt anyone? Is it because I'm a boy who likes to dress like a girl? Is it so bad that I wear make-up and skirts? How does my being a transvestite affect anyone that deeply?

I contemplate this as I walk to school everyday. I only feel safe alone. I held my notebook to my chest and walked slowly to school. I was in no hurry to get there. The second my foot entered the school I became everyone's favorite target. The girls would insult me mainly my hair, make-up, clothes and how cheap it all looked. Then they looked at me in disgust. I preferred this over how the guys treated me. The guys would steal and sometimes break my things like jewelry and hair clips. I had quit bringing purses a long time ago, they were always stolen.

I braced myself for whatever abuse was coming my way.

"Finally the little freak shows up." Said one jock. He had a pack of six jocks.

"I was hoping to get a laugh before class" Said another who had his arm around his girlfriend. He smirked and took my bracelet.

"Hey babe you want this?" He said showing it to his girlfriend.

"No, it looks to cheap." She laughed and her boyfriend threw it away. I knew that only having my bracelet thrown away was not nearly punishment enough. Today I was actually a bit lucky, most of them had to many tardies so they would have to cut it short. They simply roughed me up a bit before leaving. I had learned that if I didn't say anything or try to stop them they would get their kicks and giggles and the suffering would be shorter and sometimes much less painful. I retrieved my bracelet from the trash and cleaned it off.

I hurried to class and walked in after the bell. I hated having to tell the teachers so many excuses and lies.

"I didn't feel well. I won't be late tomorrow." I sat down and she noted my tardie. Some days I was lucky enough to be able to avoid the bullies. That didn't happen often though.

I was glad when lunch rolled around. I went to my sanctuary, the library. There was comfort its tranquility and lack of people. Here I could study or read. No one bothered me. It also took my mind off of how hungry I was and my lack of lunch money. When the bell rang to go to my next class I sullenly left the library.

One my way to class I noticed people. Smiling people, laughing people, happy people…NORMALpeople. I wasn't normal so I would never be happy like them. Friends…I can't recall ever having any. I was always "the tranny" "the weird kid" "the gender confused kid" or "the freak". In elementary school kids would teased me until I ran to the edge of the playground crying. Middle school wasn't much better. Puberty made being a transvestite harder and the image less believable. High school has been the plateau of my suffering. High school has brought physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse.

I have been molested more times than I can count with two hands. It was normally used as a reminder that I wasn't a girl. It appeared that my body was everyone's toy. My customers, my classmates and my roommate all enjoyed my body whenever they pleased. No wonder why I am so ashamed. I am so used and scarred because of it and that made me ugly and easy. All of this abuse had contributed to my bulimia. At least if I was skinny I was pretty. My weight was one of the few things in my life I could control.

In my creative writing class we had to write a poem so I wrote one I titled "My Everyday Mask" and I finished it by the end of the hour and turned it in. That was the only interesting thing I did for the rest of the school day.

I walked quickly to my job at the pet store. I was always happier here than anywhere else. I always wanted a pet but I couldn't afford one and my roommate hated animals. I couldn't see why he would. Animals are so...friendly and unprejudiced...they don't care if your a man or a woman or about your sexuality they just like attention and care. I was a bit worried about one of the baby bunnies. We had her isolated in the back because she was sick.

I went to the back and gave her some medicine. Then I put some food in and changed the water. I changed the bedding as well. I pet her ears. I hope she would get better. Then I went to feed the other animals and clean the store. I also stocked a few shelves. It was a pretty slow day so I helped socialize the animals. My boss, Sarah, was a nice lady. She was one of the only people in town that would hire a cross dresser. I locked up the store and walked to my second job.

I had to change into different clothes in convenience store bathroom. I put on fishnet, high heels, a tight black skirt and a halter top with a padded bra. I also fixed my make up and hair. I walked out to the corner. I needed a few customers tonight. We were almost out of food.

I was out on the corner trying my best to get customers but I only had one that night. My pimp wasn't happy. When I got close enough he slapped me hard across the face. I stumbled back a bit.

"I-I-I'm sorry" He said nothing.

I had no more reasons to be here and it was two in the morning. I had gotten lucky tonight I took home 30 bucks. I got some food at the store and changed in their bathroom. I went home with four bags of food. I stocked the fridge and the pantry. Not to mention I was exhausted and had school in a few hours. I sighed and walked home. I looked up at the sky, there was still a few stars out. I watched them until I got home. I was fearful opening the apartment door, I prayed my roommate would be asleep. I opened and I wasn't that lucky. He came up to me with a smile. When he got close enough he noticed the red mark on my face. His expression went sour.

"Who hit you?!" He already knew so I didn't answer. He slapped me on the other cheek. "You're my property! You don't have the right to whore yourself!" How else was I supposed to pay the bills? Then he proceeded to remind me I was his property. He undressed me and had sex with me. It hurt but I didn't make any noises.

"I only do this because I love you Jesse…" After he finished he passed out and I went to my room. I tried to fight past the tears and exhaustion long enough to get my homework done.

After I finished it I cleaned myself off. I wiped away all the smeared makeup and the bruises, cuts and marks were even worse. I looked at my reflection in mirror thinking.

No wonder why everyone makes fun of me…I'm so ugly…

I brushed my teeth and hit my bed, asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

My alarm woke me up a few hours later for school. I grabbed a hoodie that looked like a panda, a frilly black skirt and some lacy leggings. I added some earrings, a necklace and a few bracelets then I went to the bathroom to put my makeup on and do my hair. I brushed it out and put in some clips.

I was starting to feel pretty but then I looked at my face again. I had bags under my eyes, dark circles, a cut from my chin to ear, a few bruises spotting my cheeks and a mostly visible handprint around my neck. I tried to have the cover up hide but it really only dulled the appearance of everything. Then I put on my eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, blush and lip gloss. I looked a little better.

I grabbed my back pack and peeked outside my door. Good he was still asleep. I very quietly tip toed out the door. When I got to the stairs I sighed relieved.