|The Spider Diary
Author: PapaMike PM
This is the diary of Beelzebug the mercenary spider from HellRated: Fiction K - English - Parody - Words: 975 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 10-01-10 - id: 2852103
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Today I saw an usually large spider in the bathroom. It was sitting by the sink next to my toothbrush. I just grabbed the mouthwash and rinsed my mouth in the kitchen sink before popping down the road to buy a new toothbrush. I just couldn't face going over an 'ASDA Smartprice' toothbrush.
No one believed me when I told them how big it was. They must all think I was exaggerating.
Now there is a large moth living in the bathroom, I really hope that my bathroom isn't becoming the new habitat for all of the giant creep-crawlies in the area, it will make showering an uncomfortable experience.
I also spoke to my mother today, she suggested I befriend the monster. I couldn't bring myself to go quite that far, so instead I named him. He is now called Beelzebug, he seems less likely to kill me now he has a name.
He relinquished my old toothbrush too and has moved in under the soap dish. His legs don't all fit, instead they stick out the side, twitching occasionally if I go to switch a tap on. I am currently washing my hands in the kitchen sink with washing up liquid. Tomorrow I need to get new soap. I can put it next to my new toothbrush.
Beelzebug is still living under the soap dish. Although the moth has dissapeared. I fear for it's safety as the spider was looking quite satisfied with himself.
Today Beelzebug has dissapeared. It make me nervous knowing he could be anywhere in the house, lying in wait for his human prey.
I do not wish to sound paranoid but I am conviced the demon is out to get me.
Beelzebug is still missing. I cannot think what he would rather be doing then catching flies (and moths apparently) in my bathroom. I think the fact that he didn't appolgise for the incovinience his stay caused, or even thank me for the use of my soapdish, incredibly rude. I had never though spiders such an illbred bug. I will try not to let the actions of one colour my judgement on the entire species.
He could still be under the soap dish, I havn't worked up the courage to check.
I decided that today I would take advantage of Beelzebugs absence and gave the bathroom a much needed scrub. I even got the grout cleaner out, although I was not brave enough to lift up the soap dish. I feel that before he left, we arrived at a tenuous peace and I don't want to burn bridges by possibly disturbing him from his slumber. I would hate to force him to pounce on me in all his befanged glory. It would do no good.
My mother called me a coward for my decision, but adjusted her view when I mentioned that he is/was almost the size of my palm.
As I was scrubbing the floor by the bath I discovered a small hole surrounded by webbing. It could be his lair, but I couldn't be bothered to rip all the panneling off, just to set my mind at rest. He is probably in there fighting dragonflies or terrorising the peasantry of the land underneath the tub.
In other news I am getting rather comfortable with brushing my teeth in the kitchen.
Still no word from Beelzebug. I can only assume that whatever quest he is on is a long and arduous one. I imagine that he will encounter many colourful characters. Among their ranks will probably be a wizard Beetle, who although grumpy is loyal to a fault. The beetle is probably called Adam, as I hear that is a common name for such creatures.
Adam is incredibly lucky to encounter Beelzebug, although I hope he met him in a tavern, as Beelzebug is really only reseptive to company when he has had a few flaggons of mead. I think Adam's magical amulet of power has been stolen by the wicked shadow slug Meredith.
I wish them all the best on their adventure, although I can't help thinking, i wouldn't mind if he didn't feel the need to grace my sink with his presence ever again.
Beelzebug is still missing. I am not worried for his safety but I have sent a message to the Arachnid Council asking if they have recieved word of his whereabouts. I do not expect to hear back from them anytime soon as (like all councils) they tend to have a long response time due to a backlog, most likely caused by the change in service personel due to budget cuts.
I now fear the worst. Meredith is not known for her compassion. If they have been captured it is unlikely they will make it out alive. Still I am staying vigilent in case he returns. I wont let him take me by surprise a second time.
Today is a sad day. I have recieved word from Meredith, Queen of the Shadow Slugs, that Beelzebug has met his end. Sadly neither he nor Adam were a match for her superior powers. He has been banished to the Netherlands for daring to attempt to seize control from her. He will most likely spend the rest of his days in sad isolation with the idiot who got him into that mess in the first place.
May Satan have mercy on his soul.
I moved my toothbrush, toothpaste and hand soap back into the bathroom today, but I have still not been able to check under the soapdish.
Today I saw an usually large spider in the bathroom.