Mad Love

Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I feel his soft smooth skin caressing my arms. I smell his scent that is sweeter than a rose. His voice is music to my ears. He arouses my every desire. I am not afraid of death for it will reunite me with Phillip.

Who am I? I am Joan the Mad, queen of Castile, Leon, Aragon, Sicily, Valencia, Majorca, and Naples in my own right. I am locked up in Tordesillas. It is my dark, damp earthly prison, my living hell. How I long to escape, but I know that can never be. Why am I here? I was betrayed by my father, my husband, and my son. Before the betrayal, I was a Spanish princess, daughter of Queen Isabella, and King Ferdinand of Aragon. I was betrothed to Phillip, son of the king of Germany ever since infancy.. At first, I didn't want to marry him because I was in love with another man. However, my family wanted me to marry Phillip because it would help them establish good relationships with Germany. So, they sent me to Brussels. The first time I saw Phillip, I forgot about the other man, and I fell madly in love with him. We married immediately. We were happy but not for long. I gave birth to two children. The first child was healthy. I remember when I gave birth to my second child. I was dancing when my water broke and I realized that it was time to give birth. My ladies and I didn't have time to go to the birthing chamber so the nearest place to give birth was in the bathroom. This child was Charles V, who would be King of Aragon and Holy Roman Emperor.

One day, a messenger from Spain came. He turned out to be my former love. He told me that my mother died, and Phillip and I were king and queen of Castile. When I went to tell Phillip of this, the courtiers tried to stop me and told me not to come to my husband's room. When I came in, I saw my husband in bed with another woman. The woman ran away before I could see her face. I sniffed the bed for her scent.

My husband looked at me and said, "You are mad."

Indeed, I felt mad. I felt that jealousy was getting a hold of my sanity.

I ran out of the castle and into the rain where everyone could see me and shouted, "I'm mad! I'm mad! I'm mad! How could my husband betray me! I am mad for thinking he betrayed me!"

How did it ever come to this? Where did our happiness go? What did I do to make him love me? Surely, surely this couldn't end like this. He could not betray our wedding vow.

But the next day, I smelled my ladies-in-waiting scent. I finally found the scent in Inez. She was sleeping with my husband. Fury and rage had overcome me. I hated her.

I ordered my ladies."Hold her and get me the scissors!"

Before they could object, I said, "I am the queen! Do as I say!"

They held her and gave me the scissors. I cut off all her hair. No longer would he look at her now. I smiled in triumph. I wanted Phillip as my own. I hated everything that could come between us. When Phillip found out about it, he called me mad.

I yelled,"Yes, I am mad. For I am in love with the most despicable creature on Earth!"

He slapped me, and I fell to the ground. Why do I love a man who has treated me cruelly? Love is unconditional. I loved him because I knew that he is a genuine good person. He was so kind to me when we first married. Even though my relationship was turbulent, I believed that love will conquer all.

When we arrived in Castile, I made sure that all my ladies-in-waiting were the ugliest girls so that they will not catch my wandering husband's eyes. Later on, my husband disappeared. I sent a page to follow him. I found out that he was having an affair, and that his mistress would be one of my ladies-in-waiting, but I didn't know who that is. I decided to make my husband jealous. I ordered my former love to come to my room. I kissed his hand. Then my husband came and he saw us together, and he told him to leave. I was happy! My husband was jealous. I finally got him back. I gave my former love a kiss, and sent for my lady- in- waiting Dona Elvira. When Dona Elvira came in, I saw that she was upset.

She handed me a letter saying, "Read my lady."

I read and saw a love letter from the king. The woman was here, and I was determined to find her. Then the nobles came as I called for my ladies.

"My lady," one noble said, "We need you. You are in danger of getting your crown taken away from you by your husband."

But I did not pay attention to him. I cared about my husband's woman. I made all my ladies write down on the piece of paper to see who the woman was. saw the nobles look at me as if I was mad. I realized who the woman was. It was Beatriz of Bobadilla. She was not in this room, and I knew why.

"Dona Elvira, send Beatriz to me!"

When Beatriz came, I held up the letter. Beatriz replied, "I care not. Your husband loves me. When he takes your throne, you will be put away, and I will be queen in your stead!"

I wanted to slap her! How could she talk like this to me, her queen, her sovereign! How dare she talk about stealing my throne, when I was queen through my mother! She was nothing but a Moor! I ran out and got swords from the soldiers. I took one and gave her the other.

I wanted to kill her! "Let's fight to the death!"

I came after her with the sword. The nobles were stunned at my actions. "She has no right to the throne. She is mad!" They took her away, and they took the sword out of my hand.

I fell to the floor and cried. "My lady," one noble said, "You must be mad."

I replied trying hard to hold back tears. "I am not mad. My actions are the result of my husband's treachery. I am driven through love. Why do I love him when he treats me so badly? Why must fate be so cruel? I do not deserve this!"

Then my former love came and said, "I speak for the people. You must take your throne. The people need you. Your husband is trying to steal it from you. He is planning to lock you up and place another woman on your throne. In order to keep him you must take your rightful place as sovereign and ruler." He was right.

I arrived at the Cortes. I brought the people. They were screaming my name, "Joan! Joan!"

I said "If you think I am mad, then the people must be mad because they love me!"

I turned around and left. That night my husband was dying. He had a wound on his chest. I kissed his chest passionately. I didn't want him to leave me because I loved him. If I don't have him, I would go insane.

Phillip looked at me, and said, "Joan forgive me!"

I kept kissing his lips, it was passionate. Then the doctor said, "He is dead." He covered his dead body. I cried. No longer could I look at his handsome face. Phillip was buried in the near monastery. My father let me see him one last time. I saw his body, and smelled the disgusting odor. I ignored the smell, and kissed his dead cold lips. Only this time, his lips did not taste of life, but it tasted of death. I cried because I will never get to feel the passion every time he kissed me.

He is gone. Yet, I cannot wait until I die too, when I can meet my love in heaven. How I hate to live. Being separated from him has drove me mad, or maybe if what people say is true, I am already mad. I looked at the picture of my husband and smiled. Death is the only thing that separates us. I do not have long to wait. I closed my eyes, I feel his presence, and I whispered, "My darling husband, I will come soon."