Author: Alex Goodlive PM
It's a time for retailers to go into black, for fantastic deals you can't get any other time of year, and crazy madness. And then there's those that work that day. Four years from "The Customer is Always Right", it's a new story of retail adventure.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 5,397 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 11-24-12 - Published: 11-28-10 - id: 2868831
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Hey there, folks! Enjoying your pre-Christmas Thanksgiving dinner? Not satisfied with what you have to do after you're forced to spend time with your family any longer than you have to? Well come on down to Bob's Bait and Switch Shop on 14th and Grand and get in line for our Black Friday pre-sale bonfire live musical awesome did I mention pre-sale sale cashier special extravaganza! We're not opening our doors until 2:30am, which is two hours and twenty-nine minutes later than most retailers this holiday season, but don't let that stop you from securing your place in line! Why? Because we've got stuff on sale! Not just stuff on sale, but stuff on sale that's cheaper than it usually is! What's the difference? Who cares, it's Black Friday! So come on down and get in line, because we have things to buy and when the doors open, as long as you aren't trampled to death by the brigade of shoppers who will likely be fighting for the thirty-seven total items in stock for the Black Friday sale, you'll have a rockin' good time! Bob's Bait and Switch Shop, it's not just for fishermen anymore!"
"This holiday season may have started in September, but don't be the last one to own Super Ultra Mega Awesome New phone! Tired of feeling like the lamest person on the planet because your phone only does half of your homework for you? Well, lament no longer, for you can join us in the Mall of Consumer Liberty this Black Friday! This phone will be so worth the effort, you'll want to pretend to have a gun just to line hop! Think anyone's gonna argue with someone who has a gun? After all, it's your Second Amendment right! A crowded shopping mall with high stress levels and people carrying guns, what could go wrong?! After all, we're talking about this Super Ultra Mega Awesome New phone, which has forty-eight million terabytes of hard drive space! It makes free phone calls to New Zealand between 12:01 and 12:03, even if you don't want to! And it actually implants a chip inside your head, so you can watch YouTube while you're at work and not get in trouble for it! Want to text your girlfriend? Simply think it and it's there! Who needs personal conversation when you have Thought Transmission! This Black Friday only, to our first seven shoppers, we'll give you the Super Ultra Mega Awesome New Phone for only eight dollars! Super Ultra Mega Awesome Shop, Mall of Consumer Liberty! Be there!"
"Phone may or may not be available to all seven people. Prices and participation may vary. Date of Black Friday is subject to availability. Super Ultra Mega Awesome New phone is not responsible for damaged vision, unwanted sexting, or incidental thoughts transmitted to the wrong person. Activation fee of twelve thousand dollars may apply if credit not approved. Monthly data fee of three-hundred fifty dollars for phone privlege. Thought message rates may apply. Early cancelation fee is subject to death."
"And in other news today, the Newold Towncity Police Department has hired an additional two hundred temporary officers in order to keep trampling deaths to a minimum at all Save Grab Cheap Stuff stores for this year's Black Friday consumer frenzy. Last year, the lack of officers stationed at the store entrances led to four shopper deaths by stomping, two deaths via shopping cart accidents, seven by impaling Christmas trees, and three escalator-related fatalities. Channel WQUI has received word that only fourteen shopper deaths are predicted this year, down two from last year's sixteen. That's gotta be good news for those who had Thanksgiving dinner at 11am so they could get in line! Back to you, Tom!"
"Speaking of Black Friday sales, it's gonna be a cold one for those of you waiting for those doors to open! Temperatures are expected to drop into the low teens with the first frost this year covering the plant life. Sure hope you brought a jacket!"
"Thanks Tom," I groaned.
That was enough television for the evening. Jingle bells were running through my head, since the first advertisement this year aired around August 28th, and with that making Christmas a little more than a third of the calendar now, my jubilation didn't cease knowing the epicenter of the season lay before me the following early morning.
Once upon a time, Black Friday just meant a long day at the register, hopefully racking up some decent total sales numbers for no other reason than getting the manager a quarterly bonus. However, now that movie stores were basically obsolete and replaced with vending machines and internet mailers, I'd taken the time to learn a new trade.
After nearly two years of training in a pedorthic-based shoe store, I'd progressed to working in the Mall of Consumer Liberty, one of the biggest in the country. A different atmosphere to say the least, Black Friday was once again relevant to my life. At a store like the one for which I used to work, it might've meant some travel issues and a few extra browsers, but the Mall of Consumer Liberty was an entirely different ballgame.
Here I was, going to bed around seven instead of spending the day off with my family. Why? Because Black Friday now started just after midnight, and people need to be there to work to contain the mass insanity. The way things were progressing, I could see in a few years that Black Friday would actually start Thanksgiving morning, and last for two days. Since Christmas had now been inching toward the half-year mark, it wasn't entirely out of the realm of reality. I could picture it...
"Hey there holiday shoppers, it's only been seven months since Christmas shopping started! Looking for a way to take advantage of the greatest sales of the year? Come on down to Tony's at 7pm Wednesday evening, because we're opening at midnight on Thanksgiving. Why? Because who needs family when you have the brand new 48-hour Black Friday sale! Forget the turkey, mashed potatoes, and family bonding time, our shoppers don't take days off so neither should our employees! Our customer service experts will take great pride in missing one of the few days they used to have off to work an extra day on Black Friday!"
So much for being bitter... I had to get some sleep if I was going to make it through this nineteen-hour shift. Brian would be heading to his store around the same time I would be, so at least lunch breaks would have some outlet... If we could make it there and back through the sea of people.