Title: The Devourer Saga

Author: Erin Rosamond Black

Summary: Once upon a time, in a small suburban garden, there lived two ancient ancestral enemies destined to fight until the end to reclaim the territories they had feuded over for thousands of years. The Basement Cat, king of darkness, and his rival...Oscar. A parody of just about everything, including the great Monty Python itself. Has been referred to as a "stew pot of insanity".

Disclaimer: I own neither Monty Python, nor Armstrong and Miller, nor anything else included in this.

Warnings: British humour. Enough said.

Scene 1: The Wasteland

Once upon a time, the world was empty. A barren wasteland of hard, cold rock. Darkness reigned everywhere, and no living thing was present.

Then the Ceiling Cat came.

She appeared in a blaze of light, a shaft of moonshine too blinding to look at, that slanted to the earth, pouring through the clouds, filling everything with golden radiance, a new dawn. The centre of the beam quivered…trembled. It began to take on a shape, growing harder and more defined, solidifying…

Then, like a candle being blown out, it faded. In its place was a creature. A creature that, though small and insignificant, seemed somehow to radiate light, and an unimaginable power.

But good cannot exist without evil. And so, at the same instant the Ceiling Cat was given from the sky, something far below the ground shifted and, almost imperceptibly, began to move.

Upwards it climbed, slowly and inexorably…and on the surface, the Ceiling Cat shivered in a sudden chill.

Claws bit into the earth. Slit eyes opened, piercing the air.

And to emptiness, and a sudden dark wind, the Basement Cat was born.

o0o

Scene 2 – The Shed Roof

A dark garden. Rain slants down in sheets. On the shed roof sits Louis, or as he is known by many, the Basement Cat. Enter Oscar.

Louis: We meet again, old friend…it has been a long time.

Oscar: Yes…I must admit, I had expected you to be gone by now.

L: By the by, I'd like to mention that if you still consider this your territory, you are most Sorely Mistaken. Ahaaha!

O: For years I have laid siege to you, and attempted to break through that annoying new technological perspex feature installed in the back door –

L: It's called a catflap.

O: Ooh, pretentious. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted – for years I have laid siege to you, but every time you have foiled me. This time there will be no escape. I WILL succeed. Louis, your judgement day has come.

L: You wish. And at least try to get my name right.

O: Oh yes…you go by Basement Cat now, don't you? I remember now. You believe it lends you a certain panache?

L: I like to think so.

O: Why are you out here so late, anyway? I seem to remember you were never really an outdoorsy sort of creature.

L: (sighs) It's my humans. (pause) Since that mother-in-law came to stay I've been stuck in the house with a slimy soothsayer who is attempting to build a corner out of discarded torches in order to cheat at solitaire in privacy. It's a nightmare.

O: Sounds it. How's that sister of yours? You may recall she was an old flame of mine.

L: Mm, that's right, isn't it…you canoodled on my humans' bed, as I remember. Is that why you've returned? To see Tubster again?

O: No, it is not! I've come to reclaim my territory, thank you.

L: You could always have used Myspace, you know.

O: Nobody uses that any more. It's all "Twitter".

L: Whatter?

O: Doesn't matter. (pause) Oh, and don't call her Tubster! It's highly offensive.

L: Tubster.

O: I'm warning you.

L: Tubster, Tubster, Tubster.

O: This is your last chance!

L: Oscar and Tubster, sitting in a tr – Ow!

O: You will pay for insulting my fiancée!

L: (in shock) Your what?

(There is a vicious fight, abruptly terminated by a human-thrown bucket of water that descends gracefully from a window and soaks Oscar.)

O: Oh, mustos!

L: Sorry?

O: It's Spanish for mouse droppings!

L: I don't think it is, you know.

O: Whatevs.

L: Anyway, I win. My humans count as being on my side, do they not?

O: Fine. You may have won this round, Basement Cat, but you won't win the next. This isn't over. Ni!

(Exit Oscar.)

L: What did he say? (shrugs) Oh well. Sometimes you have to let these things go.

O: (from rooftops) NI!

To Be Continued (Probably)…

A/N: Whoa, that was weird. Congratulations if you got this far without your brain frying. Okay, so I probably owe you an explanation.

Basically, we own a cat named Louis, nicknamed Basement Cat, and he's always fighting with next door's cat Oscar. So I wrote this for my mum's birthday and felt like posting it because I was bored. Please read and review! Oh, yes, and Tubster is Louis's sister. We think she's having a bit of a fling with Oscar right now, but we can't be sure.

Next chapter coming soon!