Music to Me

I sit in my car
Pull my music out of my bag
And put in my headphones
I blast the noise
Loud enough to where I can't think
All I hear is the steady beat
Of the drums
That's what I concentrate on
The drum beat, like a pulse
It's racing
Like mine was
Every time you would hold me
Or whisper in my ear
Or kiss me
It doesn't help that you knew how to keep a steady beat
Not only with a drum
but with my heart
I stop concentrating on the rhythm
It brings back too many memories
And thoughts of you
I listen instead to the guitars
The wailing and thrumming at the same time
This is like a heart too
Only now it's a heart that 's been broken
The wailing reaches a high point
Its screaming in my ears
Crying like a girl who's just had her heart ripped out
By a guy who she knew would do it anyway
But had believed
With that now broken heart
That he wouldn't
The thrumming comes to me now
Constant, yet different with every measure
As it goes through the different stages
Of love
At first light and smooth like silk
weaving in and out of the other notes effortlessly
needing as much thought as breathing
then comes the next part
the tempo starting to speed up
rushing with emotions
love, anger, fear, denial
they all combine as the thrumming picks up
gaining and gaining
until it falls apart
the notes shattering
in an explosion of sound
words, actions, feelings,
they mean nothing here
at least mine don't
though yours mean everything to me
I shake my head
jarring my mind from the guitars
seeing as I can't listen to either without thinking of you
I focus on the singer
his perfectly engineered voice
crooning and serenading me
I almost fall back into him
but he's singing words I don't want to hear
about a thing I no longer believe exists
his little words are like razor blades
each one stinging and painful
"love" he sings
his words sound exactly like yours
and now I know not to trust them
he doesn't mean them
he only says them because they are there to say
and to make some girl happy
but he'll take them back in the end
say he never meant them
that he was never there for a long term relationship
and the girl is left to wonder
if the words were ever true
I pound my fist against the door
my eyes tight against the oncoming tears
I turn back to my music
that song is over
now there's some thrash metal song on
I can't understand a word he's screaming
the percussion and guitars are a constant buzz in my ears
good
I turn the music up as loud as it will go
enough to make it hurt
I figure maybe if I turn it loud enough
I'll go deaf
and I'll never again have to hear the words
that you don't speak to me
everyone will sound the same
nothing
I'd never be able to tell you weren't talking to me
all I'd see would be your lips moving
I would make up your words in my mind
and you would say you take it all back
you want me back
you need me
you love me
and no other
I hear somebody banging on the glass of my window
it's my friend, wanting a ride
I wish I hadn't been able to hear her
damn
I open the door and she gets in
and as we pull away I take my music out
turn it off
and let her senseless chatter fill the car
the music is gone
I listen halfheartedly to her
hoping that I can just get lost in her words
as I drive I watch the scenery
better to concentrate on that than you,
useless, heartbreaking, boy
and soon we pull up to her house
she gets out, waves at me and runs off
as I drive out I listen
silence
this is how I wish life would be
I pull up to the light
glancing over to scope out my surroundings
and I see you
in the same truck I rode in
listening to the radio together
and singing along without a care in the world
now your doing it alone
you look over and see me
but I look away quickly, back to the road
I can feel you still watching me
but I stare on
at a blank point in the road
anything to stop myself from looking back at you
my face is hard and my mouth is stern
set like it has been for the past weeks
when someone asks about you
the light turns green and I race off
leaving you and your questioning eyes behind
I don't know where I'm going
but I know I'm not going home
not home to a room where everything
reminds me of you
I pull past the restaurants we've been to together
past the school where we had our first kiss
and pull up to a thick wood outside of town
hurt and angry
I push my way onto it
and with every step
get lost in the sounds
the birds singing
the grass beneath my feet
the wind moving through the trees
the music of the forest
I lay down in the grass
and pull out my music
I put in my headphones
but I don't turn them on
this is the music I want to hear
the music of the semi silent day
if I could capture it I would
and listen to it over and over
because for once in my life
it has nothing to do with you
I relax, letting my mind wander
to places far beyond your reach
staring up toward the sky
and seeing only the treetops
I feel an irritable buzzing in my pocket
I pull out my phone
it's my friend from earlier
she wants to know if I want to come
to a party she's throwing
I say no
cause I know you'll be there
your eyes crinkled as you grin and laugh
at something another girl has said
I don't want to watch that
knowing she'll never care about you as much as I do
knowing you'll never know how much I care
I throw my phone away from me
annoyed your number's even still in there
much less under "my baby"
I get up, pushing myself away from my phone
I leave it where it landed
turning back I see it buzzing again
I walk away
getting back in my car
I realize it was stupid to leave my phone
I need it
I run back and get it
only to chunk it into the back seat of my car
I don't need it that much
I leave the forest and drive home
luckily the house is empty
I run to my room and pull out my laptop
ignoring the vase of dead roses on my bedside table
that you gave to me
ended just like us
I open my laptop to a rosy background
which I promptly delete
leaving the screen black
I hate roses
they remind me of you and your "love"
I log on to my email
using a phrase you once said to me as a username
and our names together as a password
it hurts more every time I log in
but I'm just hung up on you to keep it that way
I go online and look up songs
to fit my particular brand of heartbreak
but I can't find any that are complete enough
I consider writing one myself
but I wouldn't know the right words to put in it
angry now, I open up the disk player
and put in my favorite movie
"10 things I hate about you"
I wish I had one thing
just to give me enough reason to move on
but I don't
I watch until almost the end
when Kat gives her big speech to Patrick
about the poem she's written
and how much she loves him
(oh the irony of it all)
I turn it off right after she runs out crying
unable to watch the ending
cause I know it won't happen to me
if I were to write you a poem like that
you'd probably call me obsessed
as I put my laptop away
I turn off the light
and lie down in bed
even though it's only 2:00 in the afternoon
rain settles in
and soon it's pouring
I push myself up
open the window
and jump out
I'm met by a blast of cold water
and shrieking winds
whipping my now wet hair around my face
rain isn't the only thing streaming down my cheeks
I look up at the sky
cursing it
screaming
at whoever it is that gave me this life
I wonder if I ran out into the street right now
and got hit by a car
if you'd even come to my aid at all
or just let me bleed there
as if I meant nothing to you
like you did with my heart
I can honestly say I don't know
what you would do
not even knowing what to do with myself
I sit down outside
in the rain
getting drenched
the individual splatters hitting me
with almost enough force to bruise
I lie down
like I did in the woods
and stare up at the sky
but every other raindrop hits me in the eye
blinding me
maybe that would be best
so that I couldn't see the way you don't look at me
or the way you used to
instead I close m eyes and just listen
once again I hear drums as the drops hit the pavement
I hear guitar as the wind whips through
I hear a singer, only this time it's me
my thoughts
I open my mouth
and sing nonsense words
that somehow
either in pitch or tone
fit perfectly with the rest of it
if I could capture all of it
I'd never listen to it again
because like everything else in my life
it has everything to do with you