Battles, Bards, and Buffoonery

Chapter 1: Princesses Are Too Easy to Kidnap

Once upon a time...

In the distant future of...

In some clichéd, nondescript time and place, there was a castle ruled by the good King Not-Appearing-In-This-Story. The castle itself was built next to a sheer cliff face with a wide grassy plain overhead. It was like a little castle built next to a slice of chocolate cake with green icing on top. Hmm, cake...

But an evil prowled the land in the form of a dragon. He flew over the unsuspecting villagers. Under the cover of night, his rust colored scales disappeared in the starry sky. The dragon landed on the moist plains overlooking the castle. The wet ground squelched loudly as the dragon landed hard on top of it.

"Ahoy there, fowl beast."

The dragon turned around to see a knight standing nearby. He was dressed in bland armor that shined in the moonlight like candle light on a tin can. He held aloft an old, rusted sword and a shield that was dented and cracked.

"Stay away from the castle, you demonic cretin," said the knight. "It seems you have picked the most unfortunate time to invade."

"What do you mean by that?" asked the dragon, irritably.

"This land just had a heavy rain storm. Do you not see the puddles and the moist ground around you? And with all this water soaking the ground and my flame retardant armor, you stand no chance."

The dragon chuckled. "Surely you must be joking."

"I never joke when an unholy monster like you threatens our beloved king and his daughter."

The dragon stood on all fours, digging his claws into the ground as he inhaled. Slowly, his lungs expanded.

The knight raised his shield, awaiting the fireballs with sheer determination. The dragon's lungs expanded more and more. He opened his mouth and...stuck his toe in the water and electrocuted the knight.

The knight cried out in pain as the electricity coursed through the moist ground, through his metal armor, and finally entering his body. From a single discharge from the dragon's claw, the knight fell over, scorched like bacon.

"But...how...?"

The dragon leaned over the knight. "I'm not a dragon that breaths fire."

"You...will...never..."

"Blah blah blah—just shut up." The dragon pressed a claw to the man's head and delivered a mild shock.

As the dragon turned around, the knight shouted out to him, "Wait, who are you?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I want to remember you so that I may one day hunt you down and destroy you. Tell me, what heinous name did the Devil give you?"

"Sparky."

The knight winced in surprise. "Sparky? What kind of name is that?"

"Do you want another zapping?"

The knight quivered nervously, but said nothing.

Sparky glided down to the castle. With a loud slap of scales against hard rock, he clamped onto the side of one of the towers. He dug his claws deep into the rock, fighting to keep himself from slipping off. Naturally, being a six-foot tall dragon clinging to the side of a tall tower is likely to get noticed.

Sure enough, a royal guard sat in a nearby tower. He was sitting on a soft chair next to a large bell and drinking from a mug of rum. He slammed the mug hard onto the counter after downing the alcohol in one gulp. It was then he heard the noise of scales on stone. He ran to the other side of the tower and saw Sparky.

Terrified, he ran toward the rope connected to the bell. He reached out and...grabbed the mug, punched a hole in the bottom, and shouted through it like a megaphone. "DRAGON! WE GOT A DRAGON HERE!"

Royal guards gathered around the tower, crying out in alarm and arming their bows and arrows. The guard on the tower aimed his arrow at Sparky.

From his fingertips, Sparky shot a bolt of lightening, blasting the tower. The guard screamed like a girl and ran off.

"Just like a nerd to bring an arrow to a lightening fight," said Sparky. He climbed up to the window and peered inside to see Princess Anna sleeping soundly in her bed. He reached in through the window, ignoring the shouts and the sounds of arrows flying past him.

The princess curled up under her bedcovers, barely noticing the huge dragon fingers that curled around her. She began to stir as the dragon carried her out of the tower.

"Hm, I must be having one of those floating dreams again," she said in her sleep. She shivered from the night air. "It feels a little cold in here."

With his free hand, Sparky wrapped the blankets tighter around her. "Is that better?"

"Oh yes, that feels better," the princess replied as she opened her eyes. No one likes waking up to see an unfamiliar face staring at them, and this case was no exception. "AAAHHHH, DRAGON!"

Sparky propelled himself off the tower and flew away. Unable to fire more arrows for fear of hitting the princess, the guards could only watch helplessly as Sparky escaped with Princess Anna trapped in his claws.

#

Sparky flew into the Shark Tooth Mountains, and dropped off Princess Anna in his cave near the top of one of the mountains.

Princess Anna unceremoniously landed onto a pile of hay. She coughed and spat as she lifted herself up from the hay. "Damn it, of all the places I had to be kidnapped to, why did it have to be in a dinky, old cave?"

"Don't worry," said Sparky while lighting the lanterns on the wall, "you won't have to tolerate it for long." With the cave dimly lit, he got up on his hind legs to reach for a cookbook on the top shelf.

Princess Anna surveyed the cave, but there was not much to look at. The cave was sparsely decorated with objects haphazardly strewn about the cave floor. The air stank of decay and body odor, and the little pieces of bones and dirt on the floor suggested a home that had not been cleaned in years. A typical bachelor home.

Princess Anna stood up, wiping the hay off of her nightgown and blond hair. "Oh honestly, why do dragons like princesses so much? Why not eat a prince every once in a while?"

"Because it's more fun to eat out a princess." Sparky chuckled to himself.

Princess Anna scoffed. "You're disgusting. Well, you won't get much of a meal of me."

"Oh come on, you're not that skinny." Sparky casually flipped through the pages of the cookbook.

"No, I mean that eventually, a handsome knight will come and rescue me."

"Well, when the knight gets here, he'll need therapy." Sparks charged between his fingertips. "Shock therapy."