Hi.

My name's Jesse Hennigan, and these are my thoughts. Welcome.

I'm eighteen, I have a loving family and the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. My best friend in the whole entire world is a fellow eighteen year old by the name of Ryan Hartless. We've been friends since we could crawl, and we plan to go to the same college when we graduate from high school. I've been keeping a secret from him, one that no-one but my kid sister knows about, and it is this.

I'm gay and in love with him.

There. I said it; cat's out of the bag. Time for the townsfolk to grab their torches and pitchforks and hunt me down to burn me at the stake. I look most forward to the part when my true love jumps out of nowhere, cuts me free and rescues me, because in all honesty, he loves me too. Yay.

Okay, let's get serious here.

I really am in love with my best friend, and I've been so since I was flipping eight years old, when he gave me a wilted daisy when I got my ass kicked by this six year old girl I liked. The people in Finches Flight, which is the neighborhood I live in, wouldn't really chase me down to murder me in cold blood, and I highly doubt Ryan would declare his love for me cause, well, I know for a fact that he's as straight as they come. There's no way in hell he'd ever like me more than a friend; very impossible.

But a boy can dream, can't he?

"Stop dreaming Jesse. You should just suck it up, get your ass in gear and jump him."

That's my little sister, Marlene, age sixteen. She thinks she knows everything. Which she doesn't, since she's only in the tenth grade, whereas I'm a senior who's about to graduate. Therefore I'm way smarter. And better looking.

She's short and inherited mom's looks, which, sorry mom, aren't all that great. Straight as paper strawberry blond hair, demonic looking cerulean eyes, and cup size A boobs. Yeah, like I said, sorry mom.

I, on the other hand, was blessed with our dad's awesome genes. We're both tall, muscular (maybe that isn't inherited), have curly red hair (though his is longer and always in a ponytail), wonderfully sharp cheekbones and the biggest, brightest green eyes you'll ever find on anyone. I guess maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but this is my life and I can bullshit it all I want.

"It's not as easy as you think," I tell Marlene. "Nobody knows about my preference in partners except for you, and me coming out and declaring anything will just destroy my life."

She rolls her eyes and flips her long hair over her shoulder. "So you'd rather live your life fantasizing about him? What are you gonna do when college starts? You might end up rooming together, and you'll be tortured; I know you will!"

"Stop being a know-it-all. I'll be fine. Now go play Barbie or Barney or whatever it is you do." I shoo her away with a hand and go back to my Pokémon puzzle.

…what?

I like Pokémon. And?

Marlene rolls her eyes again and trots off. I finally have some peace. She's been bugging me about the Ryan crush thing for weeks, and she just doesn't get the picture that I'm not going to risk our friendship over my stupid feelings. It's as easy as that. I love him, and losing him in any way would just kill me.

Welcome to teenage Angstville.

-o-

He's so… umph.

I can't get enough of his tight… pecs. And his firm… calves.

Sometimes I imagine me and him, sitting in a grassy meadow with no-one around for miles, and he's shirtless. He thinks that if he had some oil on him, he'd be super shiny in the sunlight, and what do ya know? I've got some oil in my pocket. I kindly tell him I'll do the honors and he lets me rub oil allllll over his torso. I take my time touching his abs and sometimes I'll tease myself by running my hands a little too close to the top of his pants. It's a wonderful daydream, but I can't have it when I'm around others, as I've done once before.

Yeah, it's not fun being caught by the object of your dreams. Trust me.

Maybe Marlene's right… maybe I should jump him.

And then I'll be arrested for sexual assault and battery. Yup. Sounds good.

A large hand waves slowly in front of my face. "Dude, Jess, you there?" It's Tommy.

"No," I say distractedly, twirling a pencil in between my fingers. Did I mention that I play the drums? Holding stick-like objects all day and flinging them around is a side effect for me. I have to have something slim and hard in my hands (get your mind out of the gutter) or I'll feel totally naked and my hands get all jittery. I don't notice, but everyone else does and they're afraid I'm going to poke their eye out if I'm not careful. Wusses.

"Well then where are you?" he asks, and finally removes his hands from my face.

I shrug. "Sleeping with my eyes open. Where are you?"

"Waiting for you to get your fat ass off of the swings so I can have a turn," Tommy tells me in mock anger. There are four other swings that he can get on, but Tommy has this thing where he doesn't want another male swinging with him. He says that it's too gay. I say he's an idiot.

In true Marlene fashion, I roll my eyes and get up. Tommy immediately takes my abandoned swing and starts, well, swinging.

Today, my friends and I have decided to go to the local playground and have fun with the kiddies. Sadly, as soon as the children saw us coming, they got freaked and ran off. That made me depressed for a while, cause I don't think we look like hooligans. I mean sure, Ryan looks like some emo with a hot bod, Tommy has these dreads that go all the way to his ass, Kelly has lots of piercings. Jared always has this tripped out smile on his face no matter the situation, Emily looks like a flower child, and I'm just muscle-y with piercings in my ears and a couple of tats here and there. Beth is the only normal looking one out of our group; she's considered the boring one.

Luckily, my unhappiness at the situation gave way to perverted joy when Ryan told me that at least we have the whole place to ourselves. Then he smiled at me with those dimples. I almost fainted on the spot.

I went over to the swings when he found interest in the monkey bars, and there, I took up my shameless spying as he climbed the metal bars with his cute little ass in the air. Okay, so it isn't little, but it sure is cute. Yum.

I don't know how we've been friends for so long, and he still hasn't caught on to the fact that I'm so infatuated with him. He's not stupid, not by a long shot. In fact, his GPA is 3.8 and he's taking three AP classes this final semester. But apparently, he can't connect the dots from Point A, being that I blush when he touches me in even the smallest way, to Point B, being that he's caught me staring at him with a nice little tent in my pants on more than one occasion. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe he does notice but he chooses to ignore it, for my sake. Sounds good.

Now without my spying spot, I'm forced to go join the rest of my friends where they've crowded around the sandbox, making sandcastles. We're such juveniles.

I plop down on the grass behind Kelly and lean on her back as I pluck at the dandelions under my shoes. Kelly whines at me to go away and when I don't move, she leans forward, causing me to tilt back so that I have a clear view of the sky. I ain't moving. She's a thick girl (and I say that fondly), so her back offers much cushion. I told her so once, and she punched me in the jaw. I had a bruise for two weeks.

"Get off me, Hennigan," she snaps as she pushes back, nearly folding me in half. I still don't comply with her request. So she gives in.

I sigh contentedly and close my eyes. It's a beautiful spring Saturday morning, so the sun's bright and birds and bugs are all over the place. A gentle wind blows by, and I crack open my eyes to watch the trees and flowers shift with it, and a couple of unfortunate bugs who are being knocked off course by it. I snort as a pair of mating dragonflies zooms past and upwards towards the blue sky; they're pretty open, having sex in public like that. I wish I were that courageous. Oh well… I shut my eyes again and let the sounds of nature pass me by.

"You haven't died, have you?"

I sit up straight and squeak at the sudden close proximity of Ryan's husky voice in my ear. He watches my wide eyed and blushing face with interest as he takes a seat next to me, laughing. Being the good friend that I am, I smartly give him a rude gesture and a glare. Being the good friend that he is, Ryan shoves me over, earning a 'thank you' from Kelly.

Oh I see how it is.

"What the hell, Rye? That was mean. You shouldn't sneak up on people and you shouldn't push them. Honestly," I gripe, resuming a sitting position a bit aways from him. He shrugs and starts picking at the weeds like I was doing mere minutes ago.

"Sorry, I was just bored. And you really did look dead. I thought I had to call the coroner or somebody. You alright?" He looks up and gives me a slightly worried look.

Aw… he cares. I should just fake a fainting spell and see what happens…

I bite my lip and turn away, "I'm fine. I was just taking a little snooze."

He nods in understanding. "I see… well," he scoots closer to me and wraps a friendly arm around my shoulders, squishing me to his side, "If you don't feel well, I can take you home."

I do a double take. That totally sounds like he's trying to get me alone so he can rape me or something. Now I'm really tempted to pretend to pass out, and accidently land in his lap. But before I can do anything, the leader of our group, Jared, stands up from making a moat for his castle and calls our attention. Like a cult, we obediently give him our ears, though I'm reluctant to turn from Ryan and his sexy worriedness. To make matters worse, he lets me go and returns his arm to his side. Poo.

"It's time for a meeting!" Jared announces, complete with exaggerated arm sweeps. God, he's such a dork. "It has come to my attention that one of us has never been in a romantic relationship before!"

Oh gasp! I wonder who that is…

Everyone's eyes find homage on me.

Uh… oh! That's me! "Yeah?"

"That's unacceptable," he deadpans.

My face falls. Well, it's not like it's my fault. I've only ever had a crush on one person for the past ten years, and it's not like I can just tell him. Geez.

"But not to worry, Jess," Jared tells me happily; I have the urge to flee.

See, Jared isn't exactly what you'd call sane. He's kinda bipolar, hence the dreamy smile, and wouldn't hesitate snapping your arm in half to get what he wants. I've seen it happen, and the poor kid had to be rushed to the ER. The only reason why he's leader of our little group is because when we held an election and he entered himself in the drawing, we all voted for him. If he hadn't won, he probably would've gone into a hissy fit and chucked rocks at us till we died. And that right there, is not an exaggeration.

"Why shouldn't I worry?" I tug at my ear in distress in order to hide my fear of Jared.

"Because I have a plan to remedy your dilemma!"

"Joy," I mumble to ease the situation, just enough for Ryan to hear. He smiles.

"I plan to set you up on a blind date with a friend of mine. I told her that you'd be willing to go out, and she's very excited. I even gave her a picture, and she thinks you're a stud muffin. Aren't you excited?"

What… the… fuck…

"No!" I stand and run away, not once looking back to the confused faces of my friends. If there's one thing I can't stand is thinking of myself being romantic with a female. Especially one I've never met before in my life. How could Jared just set this up without asking my permission? What is wrong with him?!

As I reach the outskirts of the park, I hear him screaming at me to come back, and he doesn't sound happy. Like I'd go back to that. Hah. Now he's really lost it. I look over my shoulder in order to catch his melt down, only to trip and tumble into the road when I see Ryan running right behind me. Ouch.

"Dude, Jessica!" he shouts, catching up to me and kneeling down to help me up. "Are you okay?"

Yes, you really did just hear him right. Jessica. It's… my real name.

Oh go on! Laugh it up; I know you are right now. See, my mother wanted all girls, and since I'm the only boy out of three (I have an older sister), she thought it'd be 'unifying' if I was given a feminine name. At least I can shorten it to Jesse and not get any questioning looks. Ryan's the only person besides my mom that I'll let call me by my full name. My mother is my mother, and Ryan…

When he calls me Jessica, I just… melt.

Except for now. Now I'm in pain.

Ryan laughs nervously as he grabs my arm and hoists me up to my feet. "What the hell, man? Why'd you freak out like that? Jared is having a bitch fit; everyone bolted!"

I allow his help and ignore the fluttering of my poor heart as he grabs my hands and looks over the scrapes that I sustained there. Growing up together has made us close beyond reason, and sometimes I feel like he's my older brother, this caring mode being solid evidence.

I'm glad we're not actually related cause I'm enjoying this!

"Sorry, but didn't you hear what he just said? He set me up with some chick I don't even know! That idiot has some major issues!"

Ryan gives me a strange look as I pull away from him and wipe imaginary dust from my pants. I return it. "What?"

"Why are you so against it? She could be a major hottie, and you're letting her go! What's the matter with you, Jess? This isn't the first time you've tried running away from a girl."

I hold my breath as he 'hmm's and looks me over in a way that I don't want to be looked at. I can almost hear the cog wheels turning in his brain as he tries to figure out why I don't want to go out with this mystery girl. I need a distraction!

"Get your ungrateful whiney ass over here right now, Hennigan!"

And there it is, charging us from the playground in the form of Jared Shackner.

"Shit, Ryan, c'mon!" I laugh and latch onto his arm as he turns around and watches the charging human being. "He's gonna eat us!"

He looks back over at me, and I still see the confusion and thought in his sea-green eyes, but I put on a big smile and tug him roughly to the direction of my house.

-o-

Somehow, we manage to not get caught by Jared, as he gave up about halfway to my house, still screaming about the date and that it's flipping tomorrow night. Why he chose the last minute to tell me, I'll never know. Like I said. Crazy.

Huffing and panting, I lead the way into the kitchen, where Marlene is busy making a sandwich. She eyeballs us suspiciously and I bet you a dollar that she's trying to figure out why we're both sweaty, red in the face, and breathing heavily. Not to mention that Ryan's leaning practically on top of me in exhaustion. He's not much of a sprinter. His muscle is all from petty work outs over the years, not stamina building sports. That's fine. At least he's not a bag of bones or anything. That'd be a major turn off.

"What happened to you two?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I made Jared flip his lid," I answer simply while making it obvious that I want her sandwich. No-one makes them better than my little sis.

She drags it out of my sight. "That psycho? Wow. You're stupid."

Ryan chuckles breathlessly in agreement. I narrow my eyes at that.

"Whatever. I wouldn't have if he hadn't set up a blind date for me."

"Oh?" Marlene asks, suddenly very interested. "With who?"

"No idea…"

I help Ryan over to a chair, which he flops into ungracefully. Whoops. I completely wore him out, and not in the way I wanted to.

"What do you mean 'no idea'?" my sister barks. I shrug and she rolls her eyes. "Typical… would you like some water, Ryan?"

"Yeah…"

She nods and goes to the fridge, but I rush over and intercept her. She gives me an annoyed look and I in turn flick my head in the 'get lost' gesture. Once she's gone, I open the fridge and retrieve two water bottles. When I turn back around, Ryan is peering at me from under his mussed black and lilac bangs, a question burning in his eyes once again. I guess I kinda did kick my sister to the curb right in front of him…

"What?"

He smiles secretly and rests the side of his face against the kitchen table. "Nothing… nothing."

"With the way you were staring at me, it had to be something," I accuse, sitting across from him. I slide the drink over, but since he's not looking, it collides full speed with the top of his head; he looks up and gives me the best glare he can muster.

I suck in my lips to keep from smiling and cooing at him. No matter how hard he tries, no matter how much make up he puts on his face, and no matter how he dresses, he cannot for the life of him, look angry. He's too frikken cute with those pouty lips, it should be a crime.

He notices that I'm trying hard not to laugh, and sighs before flopping back on the table. "I don't understand you sometimes, Jess. I glare at you and you laugh. You're starting to become like Jared."

"Well, if I were Jared, I wouldn't force my friends on dates. Seriously," I snort and unscrew the lid on my bottle. "There's a thing called a conscience, and that kid is sorely missing one. This isn't fair."

Ryan chuckles and rests his chin on the table, "And here we go. 'It isn't fair.' What's not fair? You get a free date."

"You don't understand; you wouldn't understand…" I trail off into silence, letting him know that this is serious. He's quick, he stops teasing and resumes sitting like a normal human being, his breathing even now.

"What do I don't understand? Are you keeping something from me? Is that it?"

"That's not it…" I lie. Now I'm wishing I hadn't chased Marlene out of the kitchen; she's good at changing the subject subtly, where I just come off as being obvious. "I just don't want to date anyone right now. That's all."

"Okay, whatever."

I blink. That's it?

"Okay, whatever" I mimic.

"So… wanna watch a movie or something?"

My eyes light up at that, and another one of my daydreams starts to play right in front me.

Ryan and I, sitting close on the couch, a single bowl of popcorn between us. We're watching a romantic comedy, and it gets to the scene where the girl does a klutzy fall and the love interest catches her, then they stare into one another's eyes and kiss. My heart does flip-flops as Ryan reaches over and wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. He whispers something funny in my ear and we laugh, then I look over and he's staring at me with pure affection, and I just lean over and—

"Or better yet, Jesse, maybe you need to lie down. You look wasted."

My face heats up as I'm once again caught in the middle of a daydream, and fortunately this time, it's not a provocative one. Heh. Heh. Heh… yeah.