Author: YFIQ PM
Some nut developed an obsession with a late football star while I decided to meddle a bit, I mean what can go wrong?Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,118 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 05-15-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2914958
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Bear down, Chicago Bears, make every play clear the way to victory;
Bear down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly...
"Despite the fact that this is Minnesota, it seemed that there's a die-hard Bears fan living here!" said one of the strangers nearby.
"How long he have been playing this full blast from his home? I can hear it from the hotel," I said.
Then he replied, "It's been few years since he moved in and have been playing this crap non-stop!"
"Couldn't he be arrested for pub-"
"No, he bribed the police so they won't do anything," one of the other residents cut in.
I heard this blaring noise for sometime after I went to stay in Minneapolis for a bit. I decided to go to the neighborhood by following the noise just to see what was going on where I met one of the residents whom I had a conversation with. Being that the "Bears Fight Song!", the anthem of the NFL team Chicago Bears had been played for a long period of time non-stop, I went back to the hotel and waited until night time just so that I can sneak into that person's house and force him to turn that music off. Once it happens, I can finally be able to get some sleep. Besides that, the fact that my favorite baseball team the New York Yankees are in a slump didn't help my mood any better either.
I press the doorbell and it said, "Ding dong!"
"What the hell?"
Seriously what doorbell would make that sound?
The door opens and a shabby looking middle-aged man said, "Yes?"
"Listen, you need to turn down the radio, everyone have been listening to this playing in full-blast for few years and it's really annoying!" I said.
"No, it's mine and I get to play it anytime I want!" he snapped.
"I'm not suggesting that you should stop, I'm just saying that you should turn down the volume so only you can hear it."
"Oh...okay, why didn't you say so earlier?"
"I d-never mind,"
I decided that it's best not to start an argument.
Then the man turned to me and said, "Do you want to come in for a while? I have Johnnycakes ready in the oven,"
"Sure!" I said.
I always wanted to try those cakes and besides, the person seemed nice enough. I mean it's not like there's anything suspicious about him or anything because if it's the case then I would have noticed.
Once I enter the house, I saw disturbing amount of Bears posters plastered all over the wall.
"What's going on?" I said.
I know it's one thing to be a fan but seeing that he also have countless bobble heads and a Walter Payton doll...dissected, something's up. I went up the stairs and saw all the Chicago Bears stuff everywhere! Seriously I almost tripped on a life sized doll of Walter Payton and it's also dissected...creepy. After going into the bedrooms there are tons of Bears posters, bobble heads, under wears (WTF?), lunch boxes and a replica of a 1985 Bears Super Bowl ring piled up.
Every room except for the bathroom were filled with these things, what is up with that guy?
"What the hell are you doing here?"
The crazy guy holding a tray filled with Johnnycakes stood with a look on his face.
"I was just looking to use the bathroom, is it okay?" I asked.
"Oh, sure go ahead, for a moment I thought you're going to steal my stuff I need for research," he said.
"I-I mean rehearse...yeah...I meant rehearse, I'm rehearsing for a upcoming play in a local theater about the 1985 Chicago Bears!"
Then he went downstairs while whistling suspiciously.
Already creeped out, I decided that it's best to leave before things gets worse but as I was on my way to the door...it's blocked by several open boxes of dissected Walter Payton dolls!
I turned around and saw the man holding a wrench.
"I know who you are and what you have been doing," he said.
"What are you talking about?" I said while trying to play dumb.
"You're not fooling anyone, you are a spy send by the Chicago Bears to kill me and destroy my research so that no one will the truth of the so-called great Walter Payton!"
"Don't act surprised, I moved to this city so that the Bears fans won't try to kill be for speaking the truth, but I never thought the organization would send a professional assassin after me but luckily I'm prepared as I'm going to beat you down and call the police!"
Is this guy kidding me? But then I realized something, his obsession with the Bears seemed a tad bit familiar...
I asked him, "Are you Joe Weinbender?"
"Yes that's me and so you do know my name!" he answered.
"You posted several libelous videos on youtube and some of them were removed, also you used your actual name as a user name." I said with a sigh before continuing, "Also your obsession with Walter Payton kinda gave it away although I was hoping it's a coincidence..."
"You're not going to silence me!" he yelled.
"You're not listening,"
Then Weinbender starts swinging his pipe at me but after blocking it with my arms, he tried to hit me in the head but I caught it with my hand.
"I should have known, you caught it with your bare hand...you are a professional!" he said.
I barely held off my urge to laugh and said, "What are you talking about? If you tried to hit someone like that it will get caught!"
"Play it off as much as you like but I know you're a experienced assassin!"
I knocked him down and ran upstairs where I hide under the bed. He enter the bedroom but didn't bother to check under the bed so he left yelling, "Where are you? There's no way you could have disappeared into thin air!"
As I hid for a while, I fell asleep...
Once I woke up, I forgot where I was and hit my head on the wooden frame of the bed while trying to get up. I tried to get up again only to hit my head again and I wondered why until I remember that I'm under the bed so I crawled out and went to use the bathroom. After flushing the toilet and washing my hands, I went downstairs and saw Joe Weinbender watching the NBA playoff game between the Chicago Bulls and the Atlanta Hawks. The game ended with the Bulls victory which would allow them to advance to the Eastern Conference Final to face the Miami Heat.
We both jumped for joy and even started to hug each other until...
"Uh oh!" I said.
Weinbender took off and ran upstairs. I could have move the boxes from the door and escape but I decided to see what he was up to so I waited. After about a minute or so, Joe Weinbender returned and he has some metal claws attached to his fingers.
"Where the hell did you get these?" I asked.
"These are my special weapons, there's no way you can defend as I'll slash you to death and laugh while you squirm!" he laughed.
This guy definitely has tons of issues.
Before I could regret not leaving when I had the chance, Weinbender went to slash me but I was able to avoid them until I felt scratches on my right cheek.
"Son of a bitch!"
Weinbender then smiled and said, "That's the taste of what will follow!" before laughing maniacally.
While doing so I took my chance and start punching him in the face rapidly. I kept at it for several minutes, causing his body to be lifted right off his feet until I had to stop because my arms started to grow tired and then he was dropped to the ground.
"That's not fair, I wasn't ready yet!" he screamed.
Then he got up and tried to stab me but I caught his wrists and headbutted him to the ground. Afterward I kicked him just to make sure that he's really unconscious since the last thing I need is a sneak attack while I'm trying to leave. I moved the boxes away from the door and left. After walking couple of blocks, I heard someone yelling, "You're not going to get away for this!"
I turned and saw Joe Weinbender running toward me with a freaking machete!
"No, just no!"
I ran for several blocks and went to hide in the dumpster. After a while, I could hear him muttering something and then the sound of the footsteps fades which indicated me that he left but I remained hidden for a bit longer just in case. I got out and began to head back to the hotel when suddenly...
"There you are!" he screamed.
"Not again!" I yelled.
I took off and ran right into a sporting goods store where I then hid behind one of the shelves.
"You can't hide from me, I will find you!" he said.
I snuck from one aisle to another as the crazy bastard continues, "Walter Payton is a steroid user and I will reveal the truth to the whole world, I'm not going to let you stop me!"
Then one of the patrons said, "Sir, for one thing there's no evidence that Payton have taking steroids and second, I'm going to have to ask you to le-" before getting carved up by a machete.
As the patron lies on the floor screaming, many people started to panic. But unfortunately the security were unable to do anything because they don't have guns for some reason...I'm guessing one of those annoying budget cuts which have been a problem for sometime now.
"You dare to disagree with me? Anyone else dare to claim that Walter Payton is clean? Go ahead so I can help you join this idiot on the floor!" Weinbender laughed.
Knowing that he had to be stopped, I told one of the customers to call the police before running to another aisle where there's a shelf displaying NFL helmets. I took one of the helmets and tried to put it on but it's too big so I went for the smaller size which fits. Afterward, I cracked my fists and said, "All or nothing!"
I came out and said, "Weinbender, I'm right over here and it's time to end this madness!"
"Madness?" he said.
Then I smiled because of the perfect opportunity to yell out that overused line from a wildly overrated movie.
I charged at the psycho and bull-rushed him, lifting him up until I dropped him to the ground. Then I kicked the machete from his hand and finished him off with a body slam, knocking him unconscious in the process. I took off my helmet and saw that it's that of the New York Giants with number "56".
"You really violated him!" said one of the customers.
"I guess I did..." I said.
The police eventually arrive and Weinbender was arrested. The patron and I were send to the hospital where I would receive stitches for my right cheek. After that I left and went back to the hotel though not after some questioning by the police regarding on how the incident started and although they let me go after some explanation in which I kinda made up, some were suspicious because they recognized me from the mime incident (See: Plans of Revenge, chapter 11).
I turn on the television to watch the news and that's where I learn that Osama's collection of porn have been discovered in his hideout. As I was starting to wonder what kind of pornography were stashed in his hideout, I realize that it also makes it ironic that notorious terrorist would have something his religion would forbade, good riddance to that piece of trash!
I changed the channel to ESPN and learn the New York Yankees just lost the game and are in a batting slump.
"Damn it all!"