|A Freaking Harp
Author: CyanideMangoOfMassDestruction PM
A story I wrote for a writing competition. What happens after death, and what if you could gamble your soul to hell through the Magenta Bowler Hat of Truth? REVIEW!Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Supernatural - Words: 846 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 3 - Published: 06-02-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2920072
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Hey guys! I haven't been on in over a year! This is a story I wrote for a creative writing competition (it ended up winning!) I had 35 minutes to write it, then I edited it a bit before a put it up, but I didn't change anything massive. The topic was to create a lottery where the prize is not money...
When I was alive, I wasn't a great kid. I stole stuff, I cheated in the high school football championship (hey, we won, right?), and I went on late-night expeditions to vandalize the town. So when I died in a car crash, no one cared, except for maybe the city maintenance department, because the mysterious graffiti-spraying person was finally gone. Yay. Danny Morrison is dead!
But it's not like I killed anyone or anything. When I died, St. Peter scoffed at me and the devil scowled menacingly, which I took as a no. So I was sent to the Field of Limbo. (I didn't name it, okay?) We stood in the Field for all eternity, never talking, for fear of being whipped (which is inhumane, if you ask me.) We didn't need to eat or drink because we were...dead.
A giant TV screen stood at one end of the massive field. 364 out of 365 days, it showed nothing but white static. One day, on Earth's New Year's Day, the G-man does a broadcast: The Lottery of The Dead. Once you've been in the Field for ten years, you can enter.
The Lottery goes like this: anyone in the Fields (over ten years) can enter. They write their name on a slip of paper and put it in the Bowler Hat of Truth. The G-man pulls one name out of the thousands entered. Whoever's name he pulls gets to transfer their spirit to Heaven for the rest of eternity. The thousands of losers go straight to hell for gambling, where they get to meet the devil himself and cavort in the flames while being tortured for their sins.
This year will be my tenth year. So, moving along with the crowd, I shuffle to the end of the Field, sign my name on a slip of paper, and drop in into the magenta Bowler Hat of Truth, held by the G-man himself. I couldn't tell you what he looked like; he was changing constantly, morphing to fill whatever people needed him to be: a doctor, a football referee, a fireman...
I trudged back wordlessly to the middle of the Field for the perfect viewing angle, carefully avoiding the Keepers, buzzing overhead on their levitators, cracking their whips menacingly.
This was the most important day of my whole afterlife. It would decide my fate for all eternity. But the thing was, I had to lose this lottery, to sink into the earth and finally meet the guy who started it all, my hero, the devil. I wanted to feel the sting of the flames, the agony of whatever torture there was waiting for me. I can't stay here. I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
I don't want to go to Heaven. I don't want no stinkin' harp. Or wings. And I really don't want to dance in the clouds. Eeew.
The huge screen flickers, then cuts to a scene of the G-man standing in front of his palace in the sky. He shook the slips of paper in the Hat, taunting me. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Fields...I give you the winner of the Lottery..." he paused for dramatic effect as he reached into the Hat. My body tingled. I was so ready to finally achieve what I've waited ten years in silence for. Because what were the chances of me winning? 1 in 7,000? Oh yes. I am amazing. Watch out, Satan...you're about to have company.
The G-man pulls out a name and makes a big show of unfolding it. "The lucky soul is...DANNY MORRISON!" Confetti rains down on my head, and the other people in the Field all turn and stare at me blankly.
It's then that my brain registers what's just happened. Danny Morrison...oh, that's me...
OH NO NO NO NO! HOW? I WON? I whirl around and try to run, but the Keepers are surrounding me. A force like a tractor beam begins to pull me upward. There is no escape.
I close my eyes and prepare myself for an eternity of dancing with a freaking HARP.
Before I go, I want to say that yes, I know that a "G-man" is a government agent. But I figured, since God starts with G, and God IS the government, then this works, right?
I also want to apologize to anyone that may be offended with my religious views. This is all hypothetical, fear not. Sorry.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Please review!