|To the day we last stopped
Author: tolerate PM
Here is the place I loved you.Rated: Fiction K - English - Angst/Romance - Words: 1,277 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 2 - Published: 06-04-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2920914
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Past 6 Months
It was on an ordinary day. Maybe a day all too ordinary that I didn't expect something like that to happen. And I've never thought of falling in love for someone like you. Don't get me wrong, you're just incredibly perfect. That day, during the lesson I hated the most, you taught me something different. Perhaps you taught me love, because it wasn't love at first sight. You taught me the correct moves, and just because of that, I started loving you. I know it sounds silly but that's how it went. And perhaps then, you didn't notice me that much. On that day, my eyes were just on you. I asked people for your name. Your name was as unique as your personality.
After that, I tried to know your favourite colours. But you were like the rainbow; you wore a different colour every single day. Red, orange, blue, purple, yellow, dark green, brown, white and black. I didn't know much about you then, but I've always thought that behind that mask of yours, you did feel lonely. I've tried to talk to you, but every time I want to talk to you, I back away. I couldn't do it because I couldn't get near you. You felt all too perfect it was impossible to fill this gap of imperfectness. You were everything I could have fallen for; but you've never had the intention to catch me.
I know it would be impossible for you to like me the same way I do, and that you can never return the equal amount of love I give. I knew that right from the start - that nothing will be returned in the same amount. And that you would never feel the same. But to give up on you now is merely an impossible thing. I could never do such a thing now that I've fallen in so deep. Giving up makes me break; it just wrecks my brain. And it stresses me up; but loving you stresses me up equally. Yet, when I see that beautiful smile of yours, nothing seems to stress me out anymore. But even as I can see your beautiful smile, I can't laugh along with you. Perhaps I'm too selfish - I wanted more than you could give. I knew that you wouldn't be able to grant me all I want but the care you give is already enough.
When I could do that move correctly, you smiled and said, "Yes!". And that was probably the start of it. When we went for the break, you were the only one on my mind. I just kept on thinking about you. And when we went back, I saw you there. I couldn't really see myself but I was sure I was blushing red. I didn't dare look at you again.
People tend to think that this love is very simple and not worth talking about. They knew I liked you and said it was disgusting. Why? Because you can't like the same gender? I didn't care. Maybe I did feel hurt but I didn't mind it if I could love you. You were really special; you dressed like a guy and your hair is cut short. Shorter than some guys but you were still beautiful. I admit that I mistook you for a guy at first, and maybe that's why I loved you. I didn't know your gender and before I even met you, I liked mysterious people.
Even after I've known many things about you such as your family, life and personality, I didn't start to dislike you. Instead, my love for you never fades out; it never decreases. I've tried many times to give up on you, you know that? There was this one time that I was determined to give up on you, but I saw you playing the piano. Your stance was beautiful, your smile was the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. And your skill in piano just equals your beauty. I was watching you behind the wall, but you still saw me. You looked at me and got up, and chased after me. You even shouted my name.
I wanted to run away from you because if I looked at you for another minute, I would fall in love again. But there's no such nonsense as "I've stopped loving you". Either I still love you, or never have. And in this case, I really did love you. I still loved you and couldn't stop my heart from it. Your voice was the melody; the song I need to get me through the day, and you're everything I need in my life. But I could only hold you in my fantasies. I've had many dreams about you. When I wanted to give up on you a second time, I dreamt about you. You told me to prove my love with actions and not words. I was surprised and didn't give up.
Remember that one time when the ball hit me in the face and my spectacles spoiled? You fixed it for me. And for that day, I could still concentrate. Even though it was just your duty to assure my safety, I couldn't help feeling happy. That one time when I peeked through your class door, and you stared right at me. When I walked pass your class, you were walking towards me - it's probably coincidences. And should I count the number of times you have appeared in my dreams?
One time, I was almost close to embracing you in my dreams. It felt so real; I woke up with a smile. And even though the whole world might think it's disgusting - even you might think it is, if loving you is what I really want, then I wouldn't care a thing about the world for you. When I look at you, I would still think: "That's the one". It has never changed. My love may be the tides that decreases and increases as time walks down memories, but it will never fade away. And to think you used to encourage me. I was so foolish... Sometimes you're really that elusive - I don't know what you're trying to convey through your actions.
Your stares may be warm, and sometimes it's just cold. But through it all, I didn't understand. I don't understand you that well, but I can still say that I understand something - that I love you. And I think that's enough. Besides, I don't care about the past. I care about the current you; but I can't help feeling jealous at everyone close to you. This one guy told me that his sister kissed you in the mouth. I was so angry, frustrated and jealous that I couldn't even think straight - I almost cried. Then my other friend told me that he didn't have a sister; did you know how happy I was when I heard that?
You're really mean at times, saying things that you knew would make me quite unhappy. But maybe I didn't see the underlying meaning behind the words you've conveyed. Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand it - and I knew that I wouldn't be able to have you. You're just unobtainable. I knew that but I... continued loving you up until today.