|Andrew's Super Epic Fun Time Legacy (ASEFTL)
Author: awesomeristestawesomenimity PM
A tale of a boy and his friends on a quirky adventure to overthrow everything, by any means necessary. WARNING: May contain door handle flies, doors, impregnated things, sun people, talking down toilets, and much more. Read it.Rated: Fiction T - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 22 - Words: 214,899 - Reviews: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 04-23-13 - Published: 06-09-11 - id: 2922296
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Andrew's Super Epic Fun Time Legacy Part 14:
Fuck This, All These Title Ideas Suck!
(A Real Work of Fiction by Joshua Moats)
Fine. Let's get this show on the road. I don't know why, but my head has been pounding, over and over, like a drum falling down the stairs, off a cliff into the valley of explosions. I tried beating my head unmercifully with a hammer, but it feels like nothing is working. Stupid head. If any of you guys has a cure/solution to this problem I have, well go eat a rats ass or something. I don't need your handouts. I'll figure it out myself. There's a brain in my noggin for a reason, though I haven't figured it out yet. Still, I will try my best and entertain you with a tale of witchcraft, cancer, and cancer. That's double the cancer for double the fun! Yay!
Now, last time you were hearing about Josh and his group, the fusiwhatsits, or something like that. Well, fuck them. This has nothing to do with them. Okay, that's a lie, but I'm getting ahead of myself here. If you can remember two parts back (Pfft! Like you're smart enough to do that) Andrew finally became the leader again because Quinton was being a real dick wad. Sorry if I seem really mean and sarcastic, but that's what happens when Josh can't get his milky, he starts calling people Butt Santa and wishing that a meteor would tell the entire ASEFTL story for him. Anyway, Andrew and his half-team finally completed the bridge to the Center of the Randomverse with the help of Rainbella and the Norelk. Now, our brave heroes traverse the rainbow bridge, and through time-space itself.
"Hey Andrew, do you think these jeans make my butt look big?" Christina asked, as they walked along the glowing bridge, stars falling overhead, hitting countless planets and brutally slaughtering millions of men, women, children, and babies. Andrew glanced at Christina's butt and processed the information thoroughly.
"Yes, they do make your butt look big, though, even with a different pair of pants, your butt would still have a 76% chance of being considered large," he answered. At that moment, Andrew's cheek was filled with stinging pain as Christina slapped him. Tears rolling down his eyes, he tore off his cheek and through it over the bridge, ridding him of the pain. While tearing off his cheek also filled with him pain, at least it wasn't as intense as Christina's Slap of Ultimate Doom. Seriously, a slap from her could kill a rhinoceros with twelve arms.
"Are you calling me fat, Andrew?" Christina said, her voice cracking.
"No, I am not calling you fat Christina. I think it's obvious that you are a little overweight, though, which explains why you have a big butt," Andrew responded, before getting punched in the face with Christina's rage fists. He stumbled and fell, face-first, onto the bridge, blood dripping from his nostrils. Quinton, Nick, and Nathan just stood and watched silently, consuming the elephant ears they had just bought from the concession stand, which appeared right next to them. These weren't the yummy cinnamon kind of elephant ears, though. These were the real thing, action phrases and all. Funny, because the guy running the stand was a beaver with an erection. No, not his penis, but his ears. That's the funny part.
"Why are you being so mean to me?" she said as her anger was coming to an overflow.
"Hey, I was only telling you the truth," Andrew said, holding his aching head as he stood back up. Hey, remember when my head was aching? Yeah, that was a page ago. Luckily, I got over it. Hooray for waiting!
"I know-" she said, looking a little guilty, "-but you didn't even think about my feelings. Girls don't like being called fat, you know,"
"Why ask then? If you knew that there was fifty-fifty chance that my answer was going to offend you, why take that chance?"
"I thought that maybe you'd lie like a lot of boys do, just to make me feel good," She felt really guilty now.
"Well, you took that chance and lost, so don't blame me for your problems. You see, this is why I am the leader of the team,"
"So you can call girls fat and say it's their fault when they get upset?" Nick asked, sarcasm literally radiating out of his chest. As the sarcasm radiated, it swept under Quinton's nose, curing him of the cold he had just contracted from a lumberjack's screwdriver.
"Exactly! I haven't been living up to my, 'Calling Girls Fat and Making Them Feel Bad' quota, like I should have been, so now I have to make up for it. By the way, if you see Amber, or any other girl, would you be so kind as to notify me?" Andrew asked. Nick ignored him, and the team continued down the rainbow bridge.
After many weeks of passing planets, stars, gas, and quasars, the team was finally nearing the end of the road. Especially when a gorilla sporting a rocket launcher came in and headbutted the bridge, making it completely shatter into pieces! What the team didn't realize beforehand was that the bridge was about as durable as a cardboard box taped to a bendy straw. Though that may sound very durable, it's actually very very weak.
All hoped seemed lost. The bridge was shattered, Christina was called fat, and Quinton was nowhere to be found, since he was black and blended in with the darkness of space. As our team was about to accept their inevitable fate of death, they started floating along with the shattered bridge remains. They were still in space, you know.
"Well, that problem solved itself," Nathan declared. Since the nature of the Randomverse liked to mess around with Nathan, however, that statement was about to be thrown at a passenger going 825mph. Immediately, gravity in space turned on, and they started to fall to their death. Deja Vu, am I right? Speaking of part 12, did you know the reason that they started to fall to their death in space wasn't, in fact, that they were close enough to Solunearth that the gravitational pull would suck them in? Nope, it was because I ate a bagel. Funny things happen when I eat stuff.
I think you can already guess that our heroes didn't die. I mean, how many situations have they been in where I'm like, "OH MY GARSH GOIYS, DEIR IN BAD BAD LAND! I WUNDER EF THER GONA DII?" That's right, like a bajillion. You know what, though? I like being anticlimactic. Makes you freak out when something bad actually does happen, like when Flowercup became paralyzed. Remember that? Yeah, that was absolutely terrible. Still, I laughed and laughed. But I digress, If I keep interrupting, most of this story is going to be "Author's Social Time: The Book," I'm sorry, but it's so much fun talking to you.
Luckily, a fluffy marshmallow cloud, with the cutest face in existence, had been floating by when our heroes fell straight on top of it, making it cry in extreme joy and ecstasy. You see, the marshmallow was super ultra sensitive to touch, and had forty-five orgasms when he was landed upon.
"Ohohoho! Well, well, well! I see we have a cute little bunch of kids sitting on my back. What brings you up here in space?" he said.
"We could ask the same for you. Why is a cloud with a face floating around in space?" Quinton asked objectively.
"Ah, I see that you have a black kid up here as well. Well, isn't that a nice touch of diversity? Just make sure he doesn't get his chicken grease all over my skin, am I right?" the cloud said, trying desperately to be racist.
"Mr. Cloud, I couldn't help but notice from the last sentence, but why are you desperately trying to be racist?" Andrew asked.
"Ohoho, well that is a good question. You see, my mother was a Mexican jumping bean, and she always said, 'The best way to make a first impression is to make the worst impression'. Did it work?"
"-OH MY GOD, YES IT WORKED!" Andrew screamed, interrupting Nick. "You're now my most favorite cloud, even above that one cloud," Somewhere, back at Lunearth, that one cloud started to cry to itself, though it couldn't place why. Just to prove that the cloud was a cool associate, Andrew shuffled around a bit, giving the cloud twelve more orgasms.
"This cloud is kind of gross," Christina objected.
"True, Christina, but we are all gross in one way or another," Quinton said.
"Hey cloud guy, could you take us to the Center of the Randomverse?" Nathan asked.
"Oh! Why certainly. You guys are just the most adorable bunch of kids I've met. I'll have you there in a whip of a tractor," Focusing all his energy, the cloud shot forward, racing through the vast emptiness of space, until they came across a tractor holding a whip. With a twist and a lick, the cloud entered through the tractor's whip, and the team finally arrived at the Center of the Randomverse.
"Who knew that he was being serious when he meant we would have us there in a whip of a tractor?" Nick said to himself. Andrew raised his hand triumphantly, because he did believe, and believing is important; it's how the president can make bowling illegal if you only have two nipples instead of five hundred. "That was a rhetorical question, dummy,"
"Well, you know what else is rhetorical? You're mom's face, that's what!" Andrew rebutted. Good thing he had eaten all those Smarties beforehand, which made him dumber, so he became stupid enough to eat a radioactive isotope, which made him good at rebutting, in the argumentative and the sexual way.
Nick was so distraught by Andrew's insult, he jumped off the cloud, which surprisingly still didn't have a name, and sprinted away, crying like a sappy baby man, who had his lollipop shot down by the mafia. Surprisingly, this was the worst thing that could have ever happened in the history of everything's tow truck! Not because they were worried about Nick. Everyone could care less about his safety. He could get mauled by a wild pterodactyl, and no one would budge a single finger (with the exception of Budge Man, Defender of Turtles ). The real underlying problem was that Nick took something direly important with him, The Orb of Sexual Repression, or as they liked to call it, The Infinite Orgy Stopper. Basically, it kept everyone in the group from fucking each other—regardless of sexual preference, and regardless of physical condition to pull off such a feat—endlessly.
"Andrew, I told you we shouldn't have took that ogres wife and beat her mercilessly, until she gave us enough money to buy a condo, where you ended up finding that stupid orb, and accidentally cursed everyone in this half-group under it's power, in that five second adventure we did during our journey across the bridge," Quinton explained, as they began to run after Nick, who had become two times faster than everyone else, for whatever reason. "I knew bad things would come of it, but no, you convinced me that condos always supplied endless amounts of maple syrup. You know how much I like maple syrup, Andrew!"
"I know, Quinton, but it was shiny. Shiny things always result in awesome stuff, and that orb does as well. Orgies are fun, are they not?" Andrew said.
"As true as that may be, orgies have their limits. I'd be fine if it were maybe a half hour to two hours, but when we're talking about forever, that's a whole different time spectrum in and of itself. I don't want to have sex forever. I have things to do, places to be, virgins to sacrifice," he explained. Andrew groaned.
"Fine, we'll find Nick and get that orb back. Just realize, though, I'm only doing this for you Quinton," Andrew said.
"What about me, or Christina?" Nathan asked, snacking on some raisin-covered chocolates he had prepared for himself beforehand.
"That depends. What is the last thing you've done in society which caused an uproar on a continental scale?"
"-Exactly, you farted on a nun, who turned out to be the president of Africa, which resulted in a ban of bowel movements. Fine, I'll do it for Christina as well, but not you. You don't eat enough," Andrew said. That moment, Nathan had a revelation. Andrew was right, he didn't eat enough. From that point forward, there would never be a time where he wasn't consuming, or at least holding something edible.
Tracking Nick wasn't that hard of a task. While he was running super duper fast, he was leaving behind tons of $1030 bills, which fell from the hole in his back pocket. Like a smart person, Andrew thought that Nick might run away some day, so he cut a hole in his back pocket, which he knew was where all the cash was stored. Strange how the money only fell out while he was running, but we're not here to judge money now, are we? Exactly, because money has a pretty good lawyer which would refute your judging abilities, and somehow cause us to wind up in jail somehow.
As Andrew swallowed up the money trail, which made everyone else cry, since it was a waste of money, Quinton suddenly tripped on a bug. However, once his head hit the ground, he noticed something off into the distance.
"Wait guys, stop!" he yelled as his friends trailed ahead. At the sound of his cry, everyone halted their feet, and fell on the ground as well. This allowed them to see as well—to see the terrible thing that laid before them. They got up and carefully approached the massive, pulsating, and strangely arousing hole. Yes, as Andrew took the final step towards it, he looked down into The Great Cute Citty Crater. The creator of this crater liked the whole "C" thing that was going on with the name, so he had decided to change the "K" in "Kitty" to "Citty." Is this information relevant to you? Not really, but the more you know, the better. At least, that's what my teachers always said to me before they started beating me over the head with a waffle bat. You'd think something so tasty wouldn't be so damaging to one's skull.
"Whoa, this is a big-ass hole!" Quinton said, his vocal waves echoing down throughout the entirety of the five hundred mile-wide hole. The citties in the hole were sleeping soundly, and even the vocal waves that tickled their fur as they went past didn't rouse them.
"Ha! Big asshole! You get it? Because you said it in the context that it was just a very big hole, but then I gave more emphasis to the words "ass" and "hole", which makes it suggest an above normal size anus," Andrew explained. "HA! IT'S FUNNY!" Everyone didn't want to get beat, so they all gave an awkward laugh towards Andrew's joke, except Nathan, who legitimately found the joke to be funny, and almost choked on his snack burrito laughing.
For whatever reason, this collective of awkward laughing did not please our young Awesome Leader Guy. The veins on his head started popping left and right, sending blood out of his head in all directions. Out of butt fucking nowhere town—which, unfortunately, is not an actual place—Andrew used his second Frup and stabbed Nathan with an energy spike, sapping all his power.
"W-Why Andrew? Why are you stealing all my energies? I ate that burrito for nothing now. NOTHING!" Nathan cried, as his energy was still being stolen by the red, erect, throbbing spike. If it feels like there are a lot of sexual innuendos and phallic symbols in this part, no it's not just your imagination. Who do you think is writing this story? That's right, a horny, all-powerful, but not too powerful, author guy with a penis, who happens to be a teenager (the author guy, not the penis, though that could be up for debate).
"Nathan, this is for the good of us all. Do you see those citties down there?" Andrew pointed towards the kitties in question, who still purred and slept happily in the crater. Nathan nodded, still terrified at the horrifying expression of anger on Andrew's face. "Well, unlike the rest of us, they didn't dare to even give an attempt at laughing at my awesome joke. I'm going to teach them the meaning of funny, using your energy, since you really thought my joke was funny. Do you like my plan?" he asked, his eyes bloodshot, his mouth curled up into a crackled smile, revealing his overly rotting teeth, and his hair going mad underneath his cap.
"Yeah...th-that sounds like a wonderful plan. Teaching those citties how to laugh, I mean," he said, sweat dribbling down his cheek. Dribbling is a funny word.
"Good! I think they will learn a valuable lesson," Andrew said, his physical features, which were terrifying a second ago, suddenly turned back to normal. The spike dissipated, and Andrew focused his power, and Nathan's power, into his hand. "Well, this much energy should be able to affect all the citties," Andrew leaped into the air and began to pitch the energy ball. "Now citties, feel the power of comedic taste!" Andrew threw the ball with all his might into the center of the crater. Once the ball made contact, it immediately combusted, creating a giant energy fire field of laughter. All the citties yowled in agony as they were incinerated, from the inside-out, by the massive energy inferno. After a few seconds, the energy field consumed the entire crater.
Andrew's team stared, mouths gaped at the event that just took place. Andrew, a proud grin on his face, stepped back from his handiwork, patting the dust from his hands. "Welp, that taught those citties a lesson. My jokes are always funny,"
"Andrew! How could you kill all those citties? They were so cute!" Christina asked.
"Because, Christina, they were going to die anyway. Do you see any sort of food around here?" Everyone looked to see that what Andrew said was true. The crater was surrounded by nothing but pencil lead, and pencil lead is not a nutritious option for citties. "If I didn't kill them now, they would have gone cannibalistic and ate each other anyway. And like I said, they didn't like my jokes,"
There was really no point in arguing with Andrew's argument, particularly because he was wearing his Argument Punching gloves, which would pound the argument out of even the most passionate person. Besides, there were more important issues at hand.
One of these issues was that for every minute gone by, Andrew's team grew hornier and hornier. If this went on for much longer, pants would come off and cum would start flying. This would be a little awkward because—to my knowledge, at least—everyone on Andrew's team was a virgin. Just think of having to explain to your mom and dad that you lost your virginity in an orgy with your best friends. Yeah, I don't need to go through something like that ever again, but enough about that.
"Now that you killed all the citties, what are we going to do now?" Christina asked Andrew.
"We're probably going to end up killing more innocent animals that have done no harm to us," Quinton said.
"Exactly, Quinton! And I spot a good target right at the bottom of the crater, who somehow survived that giant energy field explosion," Andrew said. Inside the crater, there was shark. This was no ordinary shark, though. This shark had wicked shorts, in the shape of a diamond. It was clear to everyone that this creature was none other than the Leader of the Citties. "Well, let's get to it!" Andrew jumped into the crater and slid down the side, followed by his companions who did the same. Unfortunately, this act of sliding just made them all hornier. In fact, they were so horny, they were actually growing horns out of their crotches.
Finally, the team made it to the bottom of the crater and faced the Leader of the Citties, who was busy polishing his prized acorn collection, and didn't notice them until Quinton belched the ABC's through a straw; a bendy straw at that.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't the Scott the Second Brigade. I have been waiting a long time for you," the shark said, eyes twirling in circles, like they usually did.
"You know about our team?" Nathan asked in surprise, eating a cheese stick.
"Why of course I know about you. I am your team's number one fan after all. If I could stop twirling my eyes, I would only do it for you guys,"
"Aw, how sweet," Christina said.
"Yes. Unfortunately, I hate when my eyes aren't twirling, so that means you must die!" he cried, pulling out five machine guns, twelve pistols, eighty mini-guns, six shot guns, and a stick of gum. A second later, he aimed directly at Andrew and fired mercilessly, filling him with onslaughts of lead. Blood flew in every direction, gushing from his gaping wounds as the shark continued to pierce his skin with bullets. After about two minutes of continuous fire, and two minutes of his friends staring in complete shock, the shark ceased fire and put a piece of gum in his mouth.
Andrew, now realizing the pain of constantly being mortal, fell to the ground and bled everywhere. When I say he bled everywhere, I mean only in the places you normally wouldn't bleed on, like a biscuit, or your mother's Chinese slave. The Scott the Second Brigade couldn't believe how easily their leader had been defeated. It couldn't be real.
"Oooooouuuuuuch!" Andrew moaned. The shark laughed and laughed in a curiously evil way.
"HAHAHA! Now that your leader is about to die, you will have no choice but to make me, your number one fan, the leader! Oh, my name is Tony, by the way, but don't call me that. Call me, Amy Thunderballs," he said.
"So your testicles shoot thunderbolts?" Quinton asked.
"Exactly. Why do you think I wear these ridiculous pair of diamond shorts?" Amy asked. Suddenly, Amy was struck by one of Andrew's energy spikes. Absorbing Amy's energy, Andrew was able to stand back up, and his wounds started to heal.
"Fool. You forget that I am not someone you should be messing with, for I am Andrew Scott Wal-" Before Andrew could finish, Amy reloaded and started to shoot him continuously once again. Andrew's energy spike vanished as bullets re-entered his skin, opening up holes that he had just previously healed. By the end, Andrew was back to his previous predicament of being on the ground, on the verge of death. However, this time, Andrew couldn't use another energy spike. He already used his limit of two, and now he had to wait three hours. Unfortunately, Andrew didn't have that kind of time, because if he laid there for an extended period of time, he would eventually die from happy loss. You see, Andrew's blood was infused with his happiness, and if too much escaped, he would turn into a goat, and then spontaneously combust, and burn to death.
"Now, does anyone else refute my leadership?" Amy asked, glaring at everyone. Nathan did, for he raised his hand, showing that he did refute. Then, he nonchalantly went up to Amy and shoved a bagel down his throat. After a second, the bagel detonated and he exploded. Thus was the end of Amy Thunderballs, the greatest shark to ever lead citties.
"Whoa, Nathan. I didn't know you could be so awesome. You killed that guy in one move," Quinton said. He held out his hand, and Nathan willingly accepted the handshake.
"Well, that guy was kind of a douche. Thought I should do something," Nathan responded.
"Um, guys, I think we have bigger things to worry about than how awesome Nathan is," Christina said. She laid next to the dying Andrew, trying to comfort his tired sole. Once she was done talking to his shoe, then she told Andrew that everything would be all right.
"You...sure?" Andrew asked.
"Yep," Christina said.
"Alright then," Christina's Frup also made her more charismatic.
Luckily for everyone, there was a frog at the bottom of the crater, who had also survived somehow. Nathan, knowing exactly what to do (after being told what to do by Quinton), turned into Jared the Magic Bunny. With his magic powers, he enchanted the frog and made him as big as the crater itself. Unfortunately, he hadn't thought beforehand that they were in the crater, so they were now being crushed to death by a giant frog.
"YOU...IDIOT...TELEPORT...US!" Quinton cried as he was being turned into a human sandwich. Jared quickly used his magic again, and everyone appeared on the frog. Today wasn't turning out to be their day, because the frog was deathly afraid of blood, and when she noticed that a human was bleeding all over her, she went into a panic, and leaped for her life. Everyone clung on as the crazy frog kept jumping, higher and higher and higher.
After a huge amount of time that I won't get into (just remember that it had to be less than three hours), the frog was finally done hopping like a lunatic and died. They would have held a funeral for Flippity-doo, which they named the frog, but they were in a crisis situation at the moment. Christina and Quinton held Andrew above their heads and jumped off Flippity-doo, along with Nathan. When they looked ahead of them, they noticed a grand castle, decorated in silly string and streamers. It was quite the sight to behold.
"Is it strange that I want to have sex with Andrew, while he's bleeding severely and about to die?" Nathan asked.
"Not...really," Andrew answered in a raspy voice. Still, Nathan acknowledging this reminded them that they still needed to find Nick. They were at the boiling point. If they didn't find Nick soon, there's no telling what would happen.
"Hey, wait a minute, what's up there?" Christina asked. They looked toward the castle entrance and noticed Nick, who's back was toward them.
"NICK!" They all cried in joy, running toward him. Nick turned toward them and smiled, as his friends had finally found him. Nick was getting pretty lonely, and he had got over Andrew's insult from earlier. Once they got close enough to him, Christina and Quinton placed Andrew cautiously on the ground, and then the three friends started to beat up Nick, punching and kicking him until he was a bloody pulp on the ground before him. Then they started to stomp on him until he was coughing up blood and saliva.
"Don't you ever do that to us again, Nick!" Quinton yelled. "We're glad to have you back, though," They continued to stomp on him, breaking his ribs and rupturing his vital organs. By the time they were done with him, he was badly broken, but not in as bad a shape as Andrew was. Luckily, Nick still had The Infinite Orgy Stopper on him, so everyone didn't want to fuck each other anymore.
"So Nick, what exactly is this castle?" Christina asked, as they entered the castle, with Nick limping a ways behind them.
"Actually, I have no idea myself. I just got to this castle before you guys pummeled me to the ground!" he said with a snarl. Everyone laughed at Nick's pain, before resuming into the grand castle.
The inside was quite elegant, decorated with expensive china plates, everywhere the eye could see. They lay on the ground, the staircase to their right, the ceiling, on the walls, and even inside Nathan's snacks. A chandelier hung overhead, displaying millions upon bajillions of little flames, coming together to form one unified glow. Beneath their feet lay a long, purple carpet, dashing towards the grand, wooden double doors in front of them. Other than the excess of china plates, there wasn't anything particularly strange about the castle.
"Well, let's not waste any time. Maybe the guy who owns this place can save Andrew," Quinton said. They agreed and ran towards the double doors. With a swift headbutt, Quinton knocked the doors from their hinges, and sent them flying into the king's quarters. Everyone ran inside, but were stopped short by a thunderous wail, sending them to their knees.
"HALT!" the voice boomed. Christina looked up and saw the monster of a man, who created that terrible cry. Sitting upon his bean bag chair of a throne, sporting a formidable diamond crown, with an emerald in the center, and a robe made from small sheep (he had super-glued some sheep together into the shape of a robe, the gluttonous walrus sat.
"Who are you?" Christina asked.
"I have no idea," the walrus responded. Everyone stared at the walrus for a moment, their minds at a loss for words. The walrus looked pretty old in age, probably about 74,590 years old. He had a long, white, braided beard that went all the way down to the ground in front of him. He was a particularly dark shade of blue, and he seemed to be missing a tongue or two (walruses tended to have five tongues).
"Um, what do you mean by that?" Nick, who had miraculously healed completely back to full health, asked. Strange that this happened for Nick, but not for Andrew. Wouldn't it be funny if Andrew had healed completely before all this? Then again, if that happened, we wouldn't have all this story going on. You like story, don't you? GET YOUR FRESH HOT STORY HERE, ONLY $59. Why was that last sentence important? I don't know.
"Well little boy, let me tell ya. You see, I have short term memory loss, so I don't remember a lot of things that happen over a long period of time. Oh wait a minute, I just remembered! My name is King," King said.
"Wait, so your name is King?" Nathan asked, munching on some sweet and sour chicken.
"Yes, and it so happens that my last name is also King, and I am a king, so I'm King King King. The first king being my title, the second being my first name, and the last being my last name," he explained.
"So what are you the king of?" Nick asked.
"Who's what the king of?" King asked.
"You. You just said you're a king,"
"I am?" King was thoroughly confused. "I don't remember being a king,"
"But you just told us you were a king," Christina said.
"I did? Weird..." King thought to himself for a moment. After about ten second, the king returned his gaze towards the brigade. "Hey, where did you guys come from? Why do you invade my thinking?"
"But we've been here for like five minutes," Nathan said.
"I've been thinking for five minutes? Wow, time sure flies when you're old,"
"No, what I mean is that you already saw that we-"
"-ENOUGH! We came into this castle for a reason!" Quinton interrupted someone. I bet you're wondering who he interrupted. Well, I don't know actually. I wasn't really paying attention much. "You see this bleeding friend that this girl and I are holding above our heads? He is going to die if we don't get some help soon. Do you have any doctors around here?"
"No," he answered.
"Do you have anyone in this castle that might be able to help?" Quinton pleaded.
"Nope. I'm the only one in this castle,"
"WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY GUY IN THIS HUMONGOUS CASTLE?" Quinton screamed. King thought about this.
"I have a castle. Why do I need anyone else?" he replied. Quinton groaned in defeat. They were just going to have to find some other crazy psychopath to help them instead. As everyone began to leave, the king spoke.
"Hold on a minute, there is another person in this castle. Hooray, I'm not lonely!" King cried. Another revelation popped into his head. "Oh hey, and I think she could help that guy too!" Everyone was ecstatic to hear that. Their leader was going to be okay. "Yes, I forgot all about my daughter. I will call for her now," With a very hideous sounding shriek, King called for his daughter. The shriek was so terrible that all the china plates outside his quarters exploded into shards.
"Hold your horses, old man. I'm coming, all right?" a feminine voice said from afar.
"That's what she said," King replied, chuckling to himself. Even in his old age, King could still appreciate the fine art of "That's What She Said" jokes.
From the red curtain that stretched far behind King's throne, came forth his daughter. While a little short (strange how all the girls in this story turn out to be considerably short), the princess of the walrus king was a sight to behold. Her luscious dirty blonde (though she considered it to be brown) hair swept down to her shoulders. Her beautifully pale green eyes glistened under the candle light of the other chandelier in the kings quarters. The smile from her soft lips seemed to cheer up everyone in the room, though the situation was bleak. She wore a magnificent red dress, though dresses weren't really her style, that flowed graciously to the ground behind her. She stepped towards the group, stopping at King's side.
"Hey. My name is Jessica McCoy, and I'm King's daughter. How can I help you guys?" she asked. Unknown to you, the real life Jessica McCoy is actually the real Joshua Moats' girlfriend. So yeah, if you were wondering why she got such a great, semi-detailed description of herself, that's because the real life Josh is trying to win brownie points from his lady, if you know what I mean. I don't know what I mean, so you're going to have to figure that one out yourselves. Oh, and as for the Jessica from this story, who knows if she'll fall for Josh from the story. In this story, anything could happen. She might fall for Andrew, for all we know, and Josh might fall for Kyra. You don't even know who Kyra is anyway, and I'm not going to explain it, so nyeh! Anyway, back to what was happening.
"Wait, your the king's daughter? As in, this king right here?" Nick asked. Jessica giggled.
"Yes. Oh, but he's not my real father, like I think you're guessing. We aren't blood related. No, my father was a Flaming Fist of Awesome," she explained, with a faint "dun, dun, duh!" going off in the background. Since this wasn't Josh's group, Andrew's group had no idea about the Flaming Fist of Awesome from the previous part, and how evil it had become. "Yeah. I stopped being his daughter after he kept threatening to punch me in the face,"
"That's interesting and all, but we've still got a crisis on our hands! You see this guy I'm helping to carry? Yeah, he's going to die if you don't do something about it," Quinton said, with Andrew's blood dripping onto both his and Christina's face and clothes.
"Oh, so that is why you wanted me here. Sure, I'll help you guys," she said. Jessica had Quinton and Christina lay his body down on the floor in front of them, and she started the healing process. Focusing all her princess energy, her hands started to glow a bright orange shade. She placed her hands on his forehead and on his chest, over where his heart was. Soon, Andrew's body began to clear of blood and bullet holes. Andrew was going to be all right, after all!
As the healing process was coming to an end, Andrew's entire body exploded, sending blood and guts onto everyone in the room. The force was so strong, it sent Jessica, Quinton, and Christina to the ground, since they were closest to Andrew at the time of his eruption. Christina and Quinton screamed in shock at the preceding event, while Nick and Nathan just stared wide-eyed and speechless. Christina felt something fall into her lap, and when she glanced, she noticed it was Andrew's decapitated head, oozing blood from his mouth and eyes, staring back at her. She screamed even louder, kicking his head away from her, sending it bouncing off the wall, bashing Nick in the skull, and down into Nathan's prized spinach dip.
"Oh come on! I spent five hours making that!" he complained, his shirt now ruined from the spinach dip that was sent flying by Andrew's head.
"Geez, not again. This always happens," Jessica said, sulking at her failure of healing.
"You mean this has happened before?" Quinton yelled, still in shock.
"Well, sort of. You see, not only am I a princess, but I am also the sole cause of every bad event or problem that happens to anyone. I've had this curse since birth, and I don't have any control over it. Bad events just happen, and they're all my fault,"
"Wow. That is terrible. I feel really sorry for you," Quinton said.
"It's okay. It's really all my fault. Oh, and I'm sorry for your friend here," Everyone looked at the remains of Andrew, who's arm had flew to the corner of the room, who's guts and organs mostly stayed near where he exploded, who's blood had shot everywhere, including onto the ceiling, and who's head was still in Nathan's spinach dip. It was all very disgusting really. Especially when Andrew's body parts started moving on their own. Wait a minute...what?
Yes, that is right, Andrew's body parts randomly started to move on their own, towards the center of the room, where he had exploded. No one had any idea why or how this was happening, but on the other hand, did they need a reason? As the body parts finally reached the center of the room, they collided with each other, smashing together into one huge, bloody mess. As they circled and entwined with each other, the body parts soon started to form one massive object. This object shrunk in size, turning a plant-like green color. Suddenly, a stem sprouted out of the green mass, growing leaves out of its side. Eventually, the stem ended and grew a flower bud. Once the bud finally sprouted, out jumped Andrew, alive as ever! He was completely healed, and he seemed like the same old Andrew.
"Yay! I'm not dead. Thanks Jessica, you really healed me!" Andrew cried out in joy. Jessica was ever so delighted to see that she hadn't accidentally killed Andrew through her healing process. Andrew came up to her and gave her a big hug. Andrew's hugs were like no other. They transported your mind through a world of candy, glitter, and lots of drugs, without the harsh side effects. "I would have died without your help," Andrew said.
"What was that Mr. Magical Time Frog? I don't believe that holidays like to eat sugar," Jessica responded, her mind still going through the drug-induced world that came through hugging Andrew.
"I said that I would have died if you hadn't helped," Andrew repeated, letting go of Jessica, and letting her mind settle once again.
"Oh, okay. No problem. I try to be a nice person," she said.
"It's just too bad that a side effect of your healing process destroyed five shelters down the street, killing all the puppies and kittens," Andrew said, still chipper with the fact that he was still alive. The same could not be said of Jessica, who immediately felt anguish and remorse for the animals she had accidentally killed.
"NO! All those poor animals. Why do I have to live with such a curse?" she said, falling to her knees and bawling onto the ground below her.
"Princess, I command you to calm yourself!" King announced in a loud voice. Jessica stopped her crying and peered up at the walrus she called her father. "Now, you are no longer important to this plot development, so you should really get on your way. LEAVE OUR PRESENCE AT ONCE!" King screamed.
"FINE! I'll just be going then. Nice meeting you guys though. Hopefully we will meet again," she said. Jessica stood back up, patted the dust from her dress, and disappeared behind the curtain she had first appeared from. And with that, Jessica went back to doing princess-like duties, like eating muffins, and curing rabid tree forests, and other cool shit.
"Now young boys and girl, while all that crazy shit was happening, I finally remembered what I was the king of," King said.
"Well that's great Mr. King person. So, what are you the king of? Squirrels? Bathtubs? Tub-baths? French Kissing? I just gots to know man!" Andrew said. The king chuckled three times. He would have chuckled more, but the one thing he did remember was that usually when he chuckled four or more times, he would forget his memory. He didn't want that to happen...yet.
"Oh, not at all guy named Andrew. Actually, I am the king of The Center of the Randomverse. Unfortunately, that name is too long, so I have shortened it to 'Here',"
"Here? You nicknamed the entire planet, Here?" Nick asked.
"Why yes. I mean, we're all here right? So why not name it Here?" King said.
"Doesn't that get confusing?" Christina asked.
"Does what get confusing?"
"Calling the planet, Here?" she continued.
"What's here on the planet?" he said, his short-term memory loss confuzzling his whole outlook on life. Fortunately, out of nowhere, Jessica reappeared from behind the curtain. With a swift move, she tased that fat-ass king, making him howl in pain. After she finished, she looked back to the team and smiled.
"Tasing him improves his memory temporarily. You can thank me later," she said, before disappearing once again. As they were about to start speaking again, they heard a faint shout as Jessica had accidentally burst all the light bulbs in the castle, including the ones inside the king's quarters. Luckily, he had installed chandeliers in every room, as you have heard so far, in case of such an emergency.
"Holy shit balls, I remember...EVERYTHING!" the king cried, his voice becoming demonic near the end of his speech. "So let me begin on my monologue that no one can interrupt, because it is physically impossible," Of course, Andrew had to test that theory, and succeeded as the king tried to start again, but decided he didn't want to hurt the king's feelings, so he didn't interrupt any time afterwords. Nathan tried to interrupt, but found it impossible. Christina talked to the chandelier for a second. That is all.
"Anyway, back to my monologue. As I have said, I am King King, the king of The Center of the Randomverse, otherwise known as Here. I rule everything, and I have named everything according to what would be the easiest for me to remember, seeing as I have a short-term memory loss problem. Here is a map of the entire world," he said, giving Andrew a map.
His team peered over his shoulder as he read the map. The castle they were in was named Castle, and the surrounding village that they had all gone through, but completely didn't notice, was called Village. Surprisingly, there wasn't that much to the Randomverse. Most of it was just a giant forest, called Giant Forest, but there was a lake, called Lake, and an ocean, called Ocean, and another village, called Another Village.
There were some significant spots, however, on the map, many of which Nathan immediately recognized. There was a highway in the middle of Giant Forest, labeled Highway, which passed by an ice cream place, labeled Ice Cream Place, and a mushroom island, labeled Mushroom Island (is this run-on joke making you want to kill yourself yet? I hope not, otherwise you couldn't finish the story. Then again, who knows if I want you to continue the story), not to mention a hotdog stand, labeled Hotdog Stand, right next to a giant hole, labeled Giant Hole. Finally, the highway ended at a disco robot, which they all remembered was what made half the bridge to get them here, which was labeled Disco Robot. There was other stuff, but nobody cared about that stuff.
"You may be wondering, and your suspicions are true, but while I have named all these places certain names, other people have tainted this by giving them their own names. Luckily for us, I've had my guards kill everyone who's done that, and all is good again. Oh, and I'd like to inform you that everyone on this planet is named Tony, though some have also given themselves nicknames, which I allow, unlike naming the locations on my map different things. Still, I refer to everyone as Tony, which is another result of my short-term memory loss. The only exceptions are myself and, of course, my awesomely beautiful daughter, Jessica. This means that, as long as you are on this planet, you shall be named Tony. Your nicknames can be whatever though. Now that this monologue has been finished, I am open to any questions,"
"Well, contradicting what the end of the second to last paragraph said, I am wondering what this spot on the map is," Andrew said, holding the map up to the king, pointing to a specific spot. King examined where he was pointing, and gasped at the sight of the location.
"No! Don't even think about that place. No one who's ever gone to Mystery has ever returned. No one knows what's there, and that's why it's called Mystery. It could be anything, like a giant killer robot, a handful of jelly beans, the world's largest razor, or even talking eyeballs!" King cried. He was definitely going into a panic just thinking about Mystery.
"Well, in that case, we're going to go there now," Andrew said, like everyone predicted he would. Andrew was becoming more and more predictable as time went on. At least, until he killed King by butchering him into tiny pieces with a hacksaw. King actually turned out to be a clone. After a little bit of searching, Andrew found the original non-clone King in a vase next to the throne, and sat him on the throne, where he rightfully belonged.
"Thank you very much young man. I'm not sure who that handsome man that was impersonating me was, but now that he is dead, I don't care if you go to Mystery and die. Good Luck!" he announced to them. And with that, the Scott the Second Brigade was on another quest towards Mystery. Why were they going there? Only Andrew really knew. Or maybe he didn't. I'm not really sure, but they were going there.
The Scott the Second Brigade walked for many many miles through Giant Forest to get to Mystery. Weirdly enough, Giant Forest did not, in fact, have any giants roaming around in its semi-dense woods. The reason for this, no one really knows. Probably because toucans don't like taking baths. I don't know. While the events that lead to giants not roaming in the forest was unclear, one thing was certain. The walk was quite leisurely and boring. Kind of sad. Probably because my brain is so hyper, and is bouncing off the the inside of my skull at a million miles per hour. Stupid techno music and it's effects of not letting me think straight.
"Wow. Why is this walk so boring? We haven't come across any enemies, allies, cross-dimensional beings, shrimp, or hooker cyborgs yet. What's up with that?" Quinton complained as they continued to go past the trees and dense vines of the forest.
"Oh come now, Quinton. It's because you didn't love your puppy enough when it got ran over by those three cars in a row, and died. If you had loved it enough, it would have came back to you, happy as can be. I guess you didn't love it enough, and that's why it didn't come back, and that's why this forest sucks now. You bastard. You ruined it for us all," Andrew said in a soft, harshly judgmental voice. Quinton was devastated. He hadn't realized that he was the cause of all this. Him and his lack of love. Tears welled up in his eyes, as he drifted into a depression.
"Andrew! That's a terrible thing to say! Why would you say things like that?" Christina asked, disgruntled by Andrew's act.
"Ah, he knows I'm kidding. There's no way this forest could be boring because of that, and his dog got ran over five times, not three. I am serious about the whole loving his dog to bring it back to life thing, though. He should have tried harder," Andrew explained. Quinton sucked up his tears back into his eyes, and regained himself. Andrew was right. He should have tried harder, but at the time, he chickened out with his love. Not anymore though. With his new-found confidence, Quinton would love everything with all his heart—the things he loved, that is.
"Seriously though, could something interesting happen? Please?" Nick asked. They continued walking, waiting for something to come up. Unfortunately nothing did, because I have officially run out of ideas. In fact, the area of Giant Woods they were walking in was where all my ideas were sucked into and dissipated, like a black imagination hole, or something. I would nickname it something, but I'm afraid that King would find me and kill me, just like the others who opposed him. I know, it's silly to worry about things when I am the author of the story, but it is possible that he could kill me. All he would have to do is find the entrance, and...let's not get into that now.
Anyway, the team continued to traverse the place where no ideas ran free. Yeah, they walked and stuff. It was very not exciting at all. What is wrong with my life? Hah, nothing at all. Did you think I was going to go into some rant about how life is unfair, and the judicial system should stop governing our states if they want taxes to get lowered, and stuff like that? Well, I wasn't, so there!
You're probably wondering how much longer it's going to take to finally get to the fucking Mystery place. I mean, most of this whole forest adventure is just me talking to you. Well, luckily for you, it'll take at least two more pages to get to Mystery! Nah, just kidding. They were almost there.
Finally, after trekking for hours on end, the team was nearly at Mystery. Unfortunately, Nathan's snack supply was running quite short. He already consumed his bag of four raisins, a chocolate croissant, three cherry-apple pies, four pounds of tomato ice cream, and five female fairies (they were a good source of magic and protein). A few minutes after consuming his last snack, a piece of paper, Nathan started becoming hysterical. He looked everywhere for a snack, but could find nothing in sight. Then, he laid his eyes on Nick's leg. While long and skinny, it would provide a sufficient amount of meat to last him at least another fifteen minutes. Nick could go without just one leg. All he used it for was walking anyway.
Luckily for that little wack-job, they had finally made it to Mystery! As they cleared through the final bit of trees, out before them laid many different snacks. Steak, bread-sticks, strawberry covered tuna fish, and more just scattered along the ground. He didn't need a signal from anybody, jumping right into the field of snacks, consuming with haste, and his mind in a phase.
For everyone else, there was something a lot more interesting than the snacks that covered the ground. What they were interested in was the giant object surrounded by the many snacks. Standing tall, shining in the sunlight was a giant chest, as high as the eye could see (so basically, as big as a two story house). The treasure chest was surrounded completely in dense, unbreakable chain. In the middle of this crossfire of chain was a humongous lock, keeping whatever was concealed inside the chest a total secret. So they realized, though they had traveled to Mystery, now they would have to unlock Mystery as well.
"Wow, that is one giant key hole. Do we even have a key that big?" Nick asked.
"I'll check," Andrew said, going to Quinton and unzipping his backpack. After a little rummaging, Andrew pulled out a massive key, bigger than any key they had ever saw before.
"Wh-Where do get these things?" Nick asked in surprise.
"Really, Nick? All the things we've gone through, and now you ask how we could have something so illogical? Where have you been this entire story?" Andrew asked. Nick couldn't refute that point. He just thought that Andrew having a giant key was a little strange.
With haste, Andrew rammed the key against the key slot. Turns out, the key was actually too big for the hole. Don't you just hate it when that kind of thing happens? Oh wait, you never have to worry about that. Anyways, since the key couldn't fit properly, Andrew threw it into the stratosphere, where it was consumed by a group of rabid hedgehogs, during one of their tango lessons.
"Well, that sucked. Now how are we supposed to open this thing?" Quinton asked.
"Couldn't you make something using your Frup, Quinton?" Nick asked. Yeah, he was right. Quinton could try and make something that could open the treasure chest.
"Okay. What should I use to do this? I don't even know where to start," Quinton said.
"Oh, hey! You could use this awesome sign I found right next to the chest!" Andrew announced. Spiking everyone's curiosity, they gathered around the sign and read it to themselves:
"Dear myself, I am making this sign in front of this chest to remind you about this chest, since you will forgot about it with your stupid short-term memory loss. It is of utmost importance that you remember this chest because this chest needs better security. Station guards here to protect this chest. You may not understand why this chest is so important, but trust me, it is very very important that no one unlocks what is inside. Luckily, I've ordered the guards to constantly remind you of this place's existence. While it would probably be safer for you to forgot about this chest altogether, you can't chance that. You must always check upon this chest every week or so, to ensure no one has opened it. The only way this could go terribly wrong is if a clone of yourself slaughtered all your guards, usurped the throne, and put you inside of a vase. But let's be reasonable here. What are the odds of that? Still, even if that did happen, you have the key to this chest, so it would be really hard to open this chest without it. Wait, should I have written that on this sign? Oh well, too late. Have a good breakfast.
Sincerely, King King."
"I know right. Great sign to combine with stuff. Well, let's get to it!" Andrew said, preparing to take the sign out of the ground.
"Wait Andrew! Didn't you read that? King has the key! All we have to do is convince him to give us the key, and then we can unlock this chest," Nick explained. Andrew sighed.
"Aw! But that's too easy. Why can't we do it the stupid difficult way?" Andrew complained.
"Stop complaining and let's get the key,"
"Fine!" Andrew said, with a snap of his fingers. All of a sudden, a giant nostril came out of the ground and snorted the team up. Luckily, it didn't have a brain, so it couldn't get high off of snorting teenagers. For the team themselves though, they experienced their own high. Once they entered the nostril, they were teleported five miles above the earth's atmosphere, where they were almost destroyed by beauty magazines, making them feel less sexy than usual, but fortunately they were then teleported back to Castle. They were once again greeted with the chandelier, King, the curtain in the back, the purple carpet, and the bean bag chair.
"Wait a minute. If we can teleport back to the castle...WHY COULDN'T WE HAVE JUST TELEPORTED TO MYSTERY?" Nathan yelled. "All my snacks...gone for nothing," he said, filling to the brim with sorrow.
"Well, if we just teleported there, that would have been no fun. Only losers teleport somewhere before they've been to it. And, not being a loser, I will only teleport when I've been to a place, and when I'm in the right mixture of sadness, insomnia, and gas," Andrew explained. While strange, it was an acceptable excuse. At least they didn't have to walk all the way back.
"AAH! DEMONS! Jessica, come out here and beat up them up with your kung-fu kicks of fury!" King cried, in a delayed shock at seeing the brigade appear out of nowhere.
"How many times do I have to tell you, I don't have that power," Jessica said, coming out from behind the curtain.
"Well, how do you explain all the seals that were kung-fu kicked to death last week then?"
Jessica sighed. "While that may have been my fault, incidentally, I can't actually kung-fu kick things for shit," she said. Just then, she noticed the group was back at the castle, and smiled. "Oh hey. What are you guys doing back here?"
"Hi, Jessica! We're back here because these guys read a sign, like the boring bunch of bozos they are, and figured out that your dad has a key we need. You see, Mystery is actually a fricken awesome giant treasure chest that he has the key to. Now, get to it and give us the key. We really must be on our way," Andrew explained.
"All right, no problem then-"
"-HOLD EVERYTHING!" King interrupted his daughter. Andrew proceeded to hold everything in his hands. "Jessica, how can you trust these people? They just appeared out of nowhere and demanded something of mine. They're witches! They must be frozen to the steak!" He pointed over to a giant slab of steak inside a giant freezer, right across the room.
"Oh dad, who isn't really my dad, they aren't witches," Jessica said.
"Even so, I'm not going to give up my key so easily. I propose a challenge. Defeat me, Andrew Scott Walker Jr. II, and you shall receive my key!" King cried.
"I accept!" Andrew yelled back. With that, King began to cackle with laughter, suddenly growing in size. Growing bigger, and fatter, and flabbier, until his butt completely covered his throne, and his head hit the ceiling. Opening his gaping maw, a ball of raw, fluid energy began to build up, growing ever bigger in size, until finally the ball was half the size of the king. With a neck thrust, the king launched the whitish-blue mass at Andrew. Our hero needed to be careful, because the size of the energy ball was great enough to completely incinerate him on contact. He was going to have to chance it, and use-
-Screw whatever I was going to say, because Arthur smashed through Castle's wall, flailing his yellow elephant body. In his trunk, he held a peculiar item. It was one of those claw gripper things you used to pick up trash when you broke the law and had to do community service for eight million years, not only to cover the damage you did to those poor school children's pool, but also to pay wife support, because in the future, you had to pay your wife for being your wife, divorced or not. The claw part of it was the color of flames, while neon-blue lines zigzagged down the rod of the gripper, and finally the handle itself was jet black.
"Hi Andrew! I'm going to defeat whoever this is with my new super duper weapon. You okay with that?" Arthur asked, still flying through the air at insane speeds.
"Sure, that's fine, but unfortunately he said I had to defeat him, so I'm going to have to make you Andrew Scott Walker Jr. II temporarily, okay?" Andrew said, cupping his hands around his mouth to project his voice.
"Sure, whatever, just do it," Arthur cried. Finally, Arthur came up to the energy ball, thrusting his litter gripper (as it was called) forward, pressing down the handle, making the claw clench onto the giant ball. You know, "litter gripper" doesn't do that super duper weapon justice. It needs a much better name than that. For that reason, Arthur renamed his weapon, the Clawbber (Claw Grabber). Even the name itself made multiple twelve year olds around the world lose their virginity from shear awesomeness.
In that moment, with Arthur gripping onto the giant energy ball, and King just sitting there like a fat idiot, Andrew focused all his power into Arthur. He was determined, with all his might, to give him his identity. After a few moments, loads of energy seeped out of him, rendering him unconscious. Andrew's body fell to the ground as the energy he released entered Arthur through his ears. Suddenly, Arthur's eyes widened, his pupils tearing into the shape of a straw. His body filled with a sensation he couldn't understand. At that moment, Arthur had become Andrew.
With all his strength, he twisted himself around, swinging his trunk to pull the ball around himself. Once he made a complete 360° turn, he released the grip, flinging the energy ball full force, right back at King. The ball hit him, exploding on impact. Once the energy dissipated into the surrounding air, King returned back to his normal form, with a few more of his particles incinerated than usual. He relaxed back into his bean bag chair, as Jessica went to get an ice pack for his head.
Arthur landed on the ground, returned to his normal self once again. Andrew's essence seeped back out of his ears and returned to its original body. That being Andrew's body. Just wanted to make sure you didn't think it was Christina's body or something. With a wink and a nod, Andrew was back to his old self as well.
"Uuuuh. That battle sucked. Well, I guess you earned the key," King said, throwing Andrew towards the key that was suspended in the air. He grabbed the key gracefully and dived into the floor, making a big splash worth a hundred thousand points. Reemerging, Andrew found his footing, now standing on top of the floor, and looked at the key, which was exactly the same size as the key slot back at Mystery.
"Well, okay then. Now that we have the key, let's get back to Mystery," Andrew said. He was about to get going, but then he realized something. The room filled with silence for a minute or two. "Hold on! Arthur, what the hell are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Josh?" Andrew asked.
"Oh, about that, no I'm not. You see, at some random point in Josh's team's adventure, he told me that I had to come find you immediately and tell you that it is of the utmost importance that you open Mystery," Arthur explained.
"We were going to do that anyway, but if Josh also says we should open it, there must be something very interesting inside that treasure chest," he said, rubbing his chin in the most seductive way possible. "Arthur, thank you for informing me of this. For your reward, you can now speak Latin. Good job. Now continue following us at a distance where we can't see you, at least until we reunite with Josh. Then do the same thing for him,"
"Understood, dude!" he said saluting, and shortly after breaking the castle wall and running into the distance.
"What a nice lady," Nathan said, eating some flying corn chips.
"He sure is. Well, now that we have the key, let's teleport back to-"
"-Wait! Before you go, I have something important to tell you!" Princess Jessica said, interrupting the quite handsome Mr. Walker. I'm not sure if he was handsome in her eyes, but he's handsome in someone's eyes. Anyway, everyone listened closely as Jessica gave them a word of advice. "I give you a word of advice: there is someone in your collective group who knows more than he's letting on. Well, technically two people, but one of them isn't Andrew. Watch for him, because his knowledge is very useful,"
"Someone in this group who is more than he appears to be?" Christina asked herself. "Well obviously it's Josh," Everyone nodded in agreement. Of course it was Josh. He was closest to their leader, but didn't really do much out of the ordinary from everyone else. Very clearly, he was hiding something.
"I bet the answer to your question will be revealed once we open that chest. I say your question because I already know the answer, because I'm super awesome and stuff," Andrew explained. By breaking his wrist, a slug ripped out of the skin on his opposite wrist and devoured the entire location they were currently standing around, leaving nothing but a dark mass of somethingness, and then vomited everywhere, painting them back into the location of Mystery. Weird way of teleporting, but it did the job. The slug slipped back into Andrew's wrist, and the skin reattached itself, leaving him only with a broken wrist.
"Now that we got the key, let's unlock this stupid box which we have no idea what's inside," Quinton said, somehow having the key in possession when Andrew just had it a minute ago. Approaching Mystery slowly, Quinton lifted the massive key above his head, like he had done with Andrew, who surprisingly was a lot heavier than the key. With a single thrusting motion, Quinton pressed the key into the slot, just like a penis goes into a vagina. Did you honestly think I was done with the sexual innuendos yet, and with that kind of golden opportunity? Either way, Quinton pulled with all his strength, and the key turned clockwise until they heard a gargantuan click sound from the treasure chest. The hinges unlocked, and with a golden-red glow, the top slowly tipped back until Mystery was finally opened, for all to see. Well, they'd have to climb to the top to actually see anything, because at their current angle, they couldn't see shit.
All of a sudden, the team saw four figures shoot out from Mystery, into the air where they floated for thirty minutes or so, and then landed on the ground right next to them, not even making the thought of a dent in the ground. To all their amazement, these four figures were none other than Josh, Race, Amber, XJames, and Mike. The whole team had been finally reunited, to the dismay of Author Andrew, who has a hard time keeping track of these people some times.
"Now before you ask, after we found Mike in the insane asylum, we coaxed him out of his trance with some ice cream and back rubs, and then I sent Arthur away to find the other half of our team. Okay?" Josh explained to you.
"Okay then. I bet you ate a dynamite dragon, which is how you ended up inside Mystery, right?" Andrew asked.
"No. Actually, I have no idea how we ended up in there. It was just like, one second we were sailing through the paper bag clouds, and the next we were all in the dark inside of a giant treasure chest. Luckily, I had known beforehand that we were going to get stuck, so that's why I sent Arthur ahead of time," he explained. Everyone was content with this answer. Still, for the longest time afterwords, no one said a thing. They all just stood there, looking at each other, and then looking at Josh. He realized what was going on.
"So, Josh," Amber began. "I think we can all agree here that there's something greater than we can imagine that's going on at the moment. There's something that's being hidden from us. Now, we could try and get the answer from Andrew, but that's probably nigh impossible, seeing how unpredictable he is in both action and speech. You, however, have kept a reputation of mostly normalcy (in relation to everyone else here), so it would be much easier to get the answer out of you. That, and the fact that we all think that this deals with you. You're hiding something from us, and we want answers," she concluded, getting all up in Josh's face, which made him slightly uncomfortable.
Josh stood for a second, looking at all his friends, and sighed. "Fine. You want to know what's going on, I'll tell you. Before that, though, I must tell you something of equal importance, which may change your view on this whole adventure, or not. First off, let me tell you, Andrew hasn't been the one coming up with the plans. I have. Fighting with Arthur/The Brick, going to the sun, creating Solunearth, creating the bridge to The Center of the Randomverse, unlocking Mystery, that was all me. Really, that should come as obvious, seeing as how much Andrew hates creating plans of his own," he explained.
Most of the team weren't sure what to think about this. While Andrew did do some ludicrous stuff, he always gave off this aura of knowing something bigger than everyone else; that his ludicrous behavior was just a cover for his grand scheme.
"He's right," Andrew added. "While you may want me to be the all-knowing, all-seeing Andrew Scott Walker Jr. II, I'm not god. I have limits, though I don't like to think I do. Without Josh, we wouldn't have any direction. I'm not sure what we would do,"
"Well, if that's true, why do we even need Andrew then?" XJames asked.
"Are you kidding me, XJames? Sorry, but there's no way we could have got this far without Andrew as well. While I may have all the plans, I'm nowhere near as great as a leader as he is. I wouldn't have been able to do half the crazy shit he's done to get us this far. I would have panicked in most cases. You could say, in a way, I use Andrew's randomness, bravado, and leadership abilities to pull off all my plans, because I couldn't do it alone. We need each other in order for this to work," Josh explained. Everyone could understand this, though it was a little bit shocking. This still didn't answer all their questions though.
"Wait, so you've been making all these plans so far. If that's the case, why are we doing all these weird things, like creating Solunearth, and the bridge, and all that? What do we need all these things for?" Nick asked.
"I will get to that, but there's one more thing I have to explain. You may be wondering why I know so much; where I'm getting all my information from," he said. Indeed, everyone wanted to know where he was getting his knowledge. "Some of you may remember back to part 5, where I discovered my Frup. Before that, I was in a transcendental state, surrounded by a blue aura and all that. I said that my soul was freed into the Cosmos, and I learned much valuable information, including my Frup. Well, there is one thing I left out of all this. Speaking to the entirety of the Randomverse itself, it granted me worthy of knowing what was really going on. The Randomverse violently tore out my eyes and told me this:
'Before now, you were blind to what is really going on, but now, I grant you something of value. Use these items on your quest. From here on out, you shall know all things, at least as much as can be allowed by The Rules of the Universe. Use this knowledge and build the stepping stones towards completing your quest.'"
"After he said this to me, he placed two small objects into my eye sockets, replacing the eyes I had lost. These, he called the "Eyes of the Cosmos", but actually, they are not real eyeballs. In reality, these are two micro stars that allow me to see everything clearly, just like I could with regular eyeballs, but if I focus, I can see into the cosmos, revealing a whole bunch of useful information to me. In fact, by using these eyes, I can even see anything that the authors say," he-wait what? No, I couldn't have said that right. Let me just look again...oh. Really? He can see anything I am saying? Even if I don't allow anyone to see?
"Yes, I can. These eyes can penetrate through those barriers, to your dismay," Josh said to me. Well, that kind of sucks. Wait a minute, that means, ever since halfway through part five, in every part he's been in-
"-I've seen everything you've written. Even in parts I wasn't in," Josh explained. His friends were confused, as it seemed he was talking to nothing, but in fact, he was talking to me. Well, if this is the case, I should probably watch myself from now on. I don't want to be giving away too much about-
"-It's already to late for that. At this point, it doesn't matter what you say. If you're half-way as intelligent as I think you are, you know what's in store for yourself," he said. I am really starting to hate him now. I would tell you why I am burning with rage, but even if he says it doesn't matter what I say, I still don't feel like revealing things that I don't need-
"-Really, it doesn't matter. I'm going to reveal these things anyway," GAH! I HATE THAT HE KEEPS INTERRUPTING ME! Geez, could I have at least a little bit of privacy here? Anyway, the team was still confused by why Josh was talking to no one, though it was me and they didn't realize it.
"Josh, you okay dude? Have you taken your meds today?" Race asked.
"No, Race, I don't have or need medication. In fact, I was talking to the author himself. Like I said, I can see anything that he says. Don't worry about what he may have been talking about. Really, it wasn't important,"
"So, basically, with those star eye things, you know pretty much everything?" Nick asked, looking down to the ground.
"Oh Nick, I know what you're worried about. Your Frup is still important. You see, one of the things I can't determine with these eyes is the weakness of things, or solutions to specific problems. Really, I can only see the overall idea behind most things. Your Encyclopedia of Almost Infinite Knowledge Maybe still has a lot of use," Josh explained. Nick was relieved that he hadn't just become totally useless.
"So,what does this all mean, in the end?" Christina asked.
"Good Question," Josh said. "I think it's time I finally tell you why this is all important. I bet all of you really want to know what we are fighting for. Actually, I'm quite surprised we've got this far without any of you knowing what we're fighting for. Your faith and trust in Andrew is quite strong,"
"Weren't we fighting to stop some big enemy with limitless power, or something?" Nathan asked.
"Yes, very much like that. I'm sorry for this long-winded speech, but now I shall tell you who why we are fighting. Whether you've noticed or not, the authors have become corrupt. They are not on our sides. This should have been obvious when Author Andrew or Xendraw, as he called himself, said that we were now his enemy. You see, if the authors weren't corrupt, they would be our friends. Unfortunately, this isn't the case," Josh explained.
"So what you're saying is, is that the authors are the being with limitless power we need to defeat. Well, that does make sense," Quinton said.
"Close, but no cigar for your ukelele, Quinton. While the authors are indeed dangerous, there is one even more powerful than them, who has corrupted their minds,"
"How can anyone be more powerful than the two who wrote the story?" Andrew asked, not actually knowing how that was possible. Josh had only told Andrew so much, and Andrew had no idea that there was someone more powerful than even the authors themselves.
"That, I'm not entirely sure, but I can tell you one thing. Who the identity behind this person is. Now, the person, who is even more powerful than the authors; who took away Andrew's godly powers from him; who's a threat to the existence of the Randomverse is none other than our old Honors English teacher, Mrs. Sayre,"
No one said anything for the longest. Most of the team didn't understand what this meant, and why she was so powerful. Andrew was the most stunned of all. His old teacher, the one who had a help in causing this whole thing to start, who drove Andrew to the point of his head exploding, creating a land of randomness and adventure, was the main evil that they had to conquer.
"B-But, how is that even possible? When she made my head explode, she was completely disintegrated by the blast. Even if she did survive, how did she find the authors, and corrupt them as well? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" Andrew screamed, starting to go into a panic. Quinton and Race went to comfort Andrew, who started vomiting baby ducklings.
"Andrew, I wish I knew everything, but I don't know. I've told you the extent of my knowledge. I don't know how she came to power, or why she's against us. All I know is, we have to stop her at all costs, and the next step to that is inside that treasure chest," he said, pointing towards Mystery.
With that in mind, Andrew mustered him from the initial shock and got right back to leading the group once again. According to Josh, what they needed to be one step closer to stopping their newly discovered ultimate enemy was inside Mystery itself. Who knows what could be inside? Maybe a giant weapon that will destroy the Authors and Mrs. Sayre in one shot. Maybe it was a super pill of muscley awesome that would turn Andrew very strong so he could punch all of his enemies in the face, until they died of lack of face. Well, whatever it was, the Scott the Second Brigade was about to find out.
As they approached the massive treasure chest, now open for the whole world to take notice, another figure arose from the inside. This figure was different; rather daunting, and bringing a sense of hopelessness, and a smell that couldn't be described as a good guy smell. You know, good guys usually smell like cabbage, at least in my opinion, but this guy, descending to the ground in front of them, he had the stench of cotton candy. While that may be confusing, seeing how cotton candy is usually a very pleasant thing, think about where cotton candy comes from. That's right, and do you know what else comes from there? CLOWNS! Yes, now you get my point, unless you love clowns then this guy was the opposite of clowns.
From the broken ground, the feathered beast arose, his massive black wings concealing his identity from them. The beast stood taller then them all, including Josh, who was pretty freaking tall. Other than the wings hugging its body, the talons jutting from its legs burrowed their way deep into the ground, making it stand upright and rigid like a horrifying statue. For a moment, it did nothing, just standing like it had all the time in the world. As Andrew started to approach it, with a gust of wind, the beast threw back its wings, revealing itself to everyone. This was a crow, standing before them; a giant crow.
"Well, I couldn't help but overhear that whole spiel your friend there just made. So, it seems that the legendary Andrew Walker is not as legendary as he seems. Maybe it was wrong to direct myself solely on you in the past. If I had destroyed him first, your whole team would have fallen apart," the deranged crow spoke from his sharp, bone-shattering beak. His eyes were as red as dirtied blood, like the gruesome battlefield from which he seemed to come. Overall, though, he seemed to be pretty proper, like he had prepared for this encounter long ago.
"Seeing how the story has gone so far, and my luck with enemies, I'm going to guess that you're The Door, right? You survived my attack, plotted revenge, somehow changed your form into a giant crow, and here you are. And since The Brick attacked me last time, obviously it would be The Door's turn," Andrew explained. The crow was filled with surprise, but subsided into bitter amusement.
"Good deductive reasoning, Andrew, but I'm afraid that you are wrong," he answered.
"Well, obviously you have to be The Brick then, because since you aren't The Door, and since you weren't completely confused about what I just said, you have to know what I'm talking about,"
"Oh, but you are wrong again, little child. I am not The Door or The Brick. No, I am much more stronger and civilized than those two bastard children. Ah, but I shouldn't say that, because those two bastard children, impregnated with the all-powerful forces of knowledge and logic, was able to conceive one, magnificent being: me," Everyone was caught off guard by this.
"Wait, so what you're saying is..." Amber began.
"That's correct precious girl, I am not just The Door, or just The Brick. I am both; a combination of two entities, centered around the absolute urge to kill one man, you, Andrew Walker. But unlike my previous forms, I've tossed aside all the cruel, indecent, and abusive things you thrust upon me, that made we want to murder you at every chance I get. While those agonizing times will continue to haunt my memories for all time, I have only one reason to kill you all where you stand. With guidance, I have finally realized how much of an actual threat you are to life as we know it," the crow explained.
"Yeesh, someone's being a drama queen today," Andrew said.
"Whether you realize it or not, demon child, this path you're taking will end all life, and destroy the universe as we know of it. This universe has already spiraled out of control, and you are only trying to make it spin, faster and faster. You want to destroy the beings that brought you life. Have you even thought about what killing the authors will do? Everything will cease to exist. I will not allow you to kill us all, just for the sake of you losing your goddamn god powers at the beginning of this whole mess," the crow said.
"You idiot bird, this is much more than that, now. While you may think that you're saving the universe from me, I'm trying to save the universe from her, my Honors English teacher who somehow overthrew everything and is basically the queen of the story now. While I just discovered this a few minutes ago, before that I still trusted that Josh knew how evil this all-powerful being was, and let him lead us this far to destroy it," Andrew explained. The fairly collected crow suddenly became very angry, confused, and frustrated.
"Are you really trying to tell me, that all this time, the only reason you've been sacrificing, growing stronger, and pressing forward is because you trusted this one person on your team? You didn't even know who this all-powerful "enemy" was, or why you needed to destroy it? You put your lives on the line for trust? You people are beyond moronic. You're all insane! How would you even know that he was leading you on the right track?" the crow cried.
"Because, I'm his best friend, and he trusts me, as corny and ludicrous as that might sound," Josh answered. The crow looked, for a second, like he was going to go on a rampage, but after taking a few deep breaths, he calmed himself down.
"If I lose my cool now-" he said to himself. "-I will never be able to stand up against him, just like she said," He glared at Andrew once more, his thoughts collected once again. "You know what, I don't even care for your reasons anymore. All I know is, you are a threat to us all, and you need to die. Prepare yourself Andrew, for one final battle against the both of us,"
"So, what am I supposed to call you, now that you two are a totally different person. Since you were The Door and The Brick before, I guess that means your name is...The Di-"
"-NO! I see what you're trying to do. Trying to be Mr. Funny Man. No, my name is not that. From now on, just call me, Bidorrock. Now, enough talk, let's see some action!" he cried. Bidorrock raised his wings into the sky and focused all his energy into his chest. With a twist and a pop, suddenly two arms burst from his chest, changing this crow into a crow-man. Continuing to focus his strength, his wings cracked and dislocated as they began to grow larger and larger, until they were three times the size as the rest of his body. The feathers around his chest, head, and arms hardened, producing a sturdy, black coat of armor. Finally, after all that pain Bidorrock had gone through to do this, he was now in his true form. "Come at me bro!" he yelled in challenge.
"Fine, I'll take your fight. Let's do this!" Andrew yelled back. As he was about to sprint towards his eager opponent, he was suddenly stopped as a hand came over his chest. Looking over, he saw none other than XJames stopping him.
"Let me fight him," he said, looking directly into Andrew's eyes.
"Huh? But why-"
"Trust me on this. I know you have more beef with him than I do, but I haven't had enough moments in my time on the team to be bad-ass, so please. Let me fight him," Andrew saw that XJames was very serious about this fight. Hunger for blood ravaged from his eyes, and his fist balled with fury.
"Fine, you can fight him. I expect compensation for this intrusion, though!" Andrew said. XJames gladly handed him a three-cheese doughnut, which he had stolen from Nathan, and began towards Bidorrock. He couldn't exactly calculate how strong his opponent was, but he didn't think it would be that challenging. Lowering his prowess to about 9273 (he figured that Bidorrock, being a notorious combination of recurring characters, would be a little stronger than the fist he faced earlier), he faced his enemy with only his bare fists.
"Hm. So you're going to face me instead of Andrew? How cowardly, sending a lackey to fight for him," Bidorrock said.
"No, I chose this fight myself. Now face me with all your strength!" XJames responded, getting into his signature fighting pose that I don't know.
"Fine, have at you!" Bidorrock sprinted towards XJames at semi-fast speed, preparing to strike. XJames grabbed his fist as he tried to attack, and retaliated with a blow to the chest with his knee, following with a punch to his beak. The crow flailed as he flew back from the blow, hitting his head on the ground, and then skidding his back across the rough soil until he slammed into the side of Mystery, creating a permanent dent.
"Well, you're not as hard as I thought you'd be. Maybe I should have kicked down my prowess a few notches," XJames taunted.
"The fight has only begun!" Bidorrock shouted, using his wings to launch himself off of Mystery at alarming speed. XJames anticipated the attack, bringing his hands down to capture the crow's head, but Bidorrock was too fast, piercing through his chest before he took hold of his head. As blood flew from his chest, he punched the beast's head, dislodging the beak from his wound. He threw his fist again, but Bidorrock, with amazing flexibility, caught it with one of his talons, scraping the skin from his hand. Throwing himself up, while still clinging to the fist, the crow began to mercilessly punch and claw at XJames' head, who stopped this onslaught by crushing Bidorrock's leg, releasing the grip from his fist, and then throwing him away from him.
XJames didn't realize how tough his opponent actually was, being able to survive his punch and actually give him a little damage. He decided the best thing to do was raise his prowess a little more, up to 15,000.
"Well, you are certainly harder than I expected, but there doesn't seem to be much special about you when it comes to fighting," he said.
"Oh, you want special, do you? Well then, I can supply that," Bidorrock responded. He lifted his leg up, and with a blast, his talon dislodged itself from his leg and flew at XJames. Quickly, the boy grabbed the talon before it hit him, but out of nowhere the talon exploded in his grasp, consuming him in flames. He survived the blast, but his hand was severely injured and bloodied from the explosion.
"What is this?" XJames asked.
"Ah, so you don't understand what you're up against? Well, let me explain. Achieving this form, I have mastered the art of the talon, allowing me a whole bunch of talon based attacks!" Bidorrock said, regrowing the talon he had lost in the attack. "Just watch!" One of his fists slowly started to reform into another talon. He leaped towards XJames and attacked, trying to swipe at him with his talon fist. XJames dodged superbly, but suddenly the individual fingers of the talon extended, slashing at him from many angles. He tried to defend himself, but the fingers were too fast, cutting at his clothes and skin and face. Bringing his prowess even higher to 50,000, he was now fast enough to catch every one of the fingers, and then break them by crushing them with his fist.
Bidorrock screamed in pain as his talon was crushed, but was silenced by being punched once again in the chest. This time, even behind the feather armor, XJames was strong enough to cause a lot of physical pain. Unfortunately, Bidorrock formed a circle of talons around his chest and grabbed XJames' arm, pulling him in further. The talons disappeared and he made another, much longer talon from his chest and grabbed the hero's entire head. With surprising strength, the talon began to crush his head, making blood run down his face as he screamed in pain. Suddenly, he noticed a small circle of light appear from the base of the talon, but discovered the hard way that Bidorrock was firing a beam of white energy right into his face. The crow let go of his charred head, as he fell to the ground, seemingly defeated.
XJames was far from defeated though. It was going to take more than an energy beam to the face to do that. While laying on the ground, he slowly began to raise his prowess higher and higher. He wasn't kidding around any more. Still, he wasn't going to be anywhere close to full prowess, only raising it to 500 million, enough to finish him off. With haste, XJames got back on his feet and gave one final, awesome punch. Bidorrock created a barrier of talons to absorb the blow, but they were not strong enough to withstand the force of the punch. Barreling through the talons, XJames' fist rammed Bidorrock's feather armor, piercing it. Somewhat amazingly, the punch was so strong that not only had it gone through the armor, but his fist went all the way through Bidorrock's chest and out the other side. As blood poured out of the massive wound, the talons receded, XJames dislodged his fist, and Bidorrock fell to the ground, defeated.
"Well, that battle actually exceeded my expectations. I applaud him for that, but now he's like all the others I've faced, dead," XJames said in victory. Everyone applauded him, giving him pats on the shoulder, back, and butt for a totally epiclicious victory.
While celebrations were made, out of the corner of his eye, XJames noticed Bidorrock getting back up, though he had a massive hole in his chest. "Wait guys-" he cried, "-he's not dead yet!" After Bidorrock picked himself back up, he pointed towards the heavens, insulting every Gurren Lagann fan by ripping off an iconic move, and spoke:
"Ah, well you have bested me warrior, but this is not the end of the fighting. While it's true that I must retreat for a while and regain my strength, I'm not going to leave you without a little gift from myself. Behold, the mighty power of the Disco Nightmare!" he announced. The ground began to rumble furiously, and started to split as a giant robot appeared from out of the ground. As the robot finished ascending and stood tall above everyone, the appearance of the robot was very familiar. After analyzing it for a little, everyone suddenly realized that this robot was almost exactly like the Disco Robot from part 9, even those who hadn't seen the Disco Robot. "Yes, this is the Disco Robot, that brought most of you here to the Randomverse, but now it has been enhanced,"
The Disco Nightmare, as he called it, was now completely black and gold, making it look both menacing and stylish. The robot was a lot taller than it was before, as well, ascending past the twelfth layer of clouds in the sky, and its chest, arms, legs, hands, and feet were much more massive than before. Lastly, the disco ball on the top of the whole robot was now decked out in vicious spikes, completing the nightmare portion of the robot.
"Well, have fun fighting this robot now. I have to go heal up and stuff. Oh, the robot is sentient and evil now too, so it's going to try to kill you, no matter what. Have fun!" Bidorrock said, disappearing into a wormhole.
XJames faced the massive robot, Disco Nightmare, slightly more nervous than before, but not frightened. The ground shook as the being of bolts, music, and evil approached him, ready for combat. Clenching his fist, the boy planned out his battle strategy in his head.
"Hey, XJames. Still don't want any help with this?" Andrew shouted to him.
"No, I can handle this myself," he replied.
"Come on! I'm so bored. I want to fight the giant evil robot too!" Andrew complained. To ease his complaint, Christina gave him a ball of yarn, which excited the young leader. He playfully fell to the ground and patted the ball around, chasing it as it rolled away from him. "Okay, never mind. This yarn is way too hypnotic to worry about killer robots that kill you, right now,"
"Good. Now it's time to begin this. I didn't expect fighting such a massive enemy right after kicking the last guy's ass, so I think it's time to have a little fun. Come forth, super duper weapon!" XJames commanded, raising his arm into the air.
The clouds above them started to swirl and collapse in on each other, lightning rain down and hitting the ground around everyone. Surprisingly, the lightning failed to hit the giant robot that was taller than the twelfth layer of clouds, or the massive treasure chest, though they were both highly conductive. From the clouds, cries of pain rang out, and blood flooded down upon everyone, especially Mike. Finally revealing itself, XJames' super duper weapon, the Half-Rainbow, Half-Invisible Sword, flew with it's snow white wings, slashing and gashing the clouds in its way, killing and severely injuring them in the process. The sword breached through all 587 layers of clouds, and flew down to its master, kicking its feet to propel it faster. As it was about to hit the ground, it flapped its wings, bringing it to a hover. XJames grasped the mighty sword and slowly slid his tongue against the steel, cutting his tongue and making it bleed along the blade. Before you go "Hur hur! Dumb XJames," this act was purposeful, because he was displaying his lack of fear against the robot, and because it looked all bad-ass and stuff.
"Okay, one last thing," he said. With all his might and soul, XJames thrust the sword directly above himself and yelled at the top of his lungs, "FRUP HIDING INSIDE OF ME, WAKE THE FUCK UP!" A blue and black lightning tornado thrust itself down from the heavens, through a different path through the 587 layers of clouds than the sword had taken, killing countless more innocent clouds, and hit the top of the blade. The lightening came down through the tornado, flowed through the sword, and settled its power into XJames. Then, the tornado itself took the same root, sacrificing itself to give XJames more immense power. Once this epic scene of beauty was over, XJames unleashed all that power and unlocked his Frup.
"XJames has learned the Frightening Renegade Ultimate Power of Super Explosive Ice Cream Sandwiches!" the epic voice said, shaking the very fabric of Race's pants. Everyone was amazed at the spectacular Frup that XJames had just received, especially Nathan, who loved ice cream sandwiches. Unfortunately, if he ate one of these ice cream sandwiches, his insides would be propelled out of his skull, making it explode into a very bloody mess.
"Well, now that I have this sword, and this Frup, let's get it on, XJames said, and then, with a cry for battle, he said his legendary catchphrase, "Can't whoop me!" With a sudden rush, XJames enhanced his prowess to 2.5 billion, and charged at Disco Nightmare, full force. Lifting its mighty arm, Disco Nightmare then plummeted his fist right down upon XJames, who remained unswayed by the act. He stuck his sword into the ground for a moment and absorbed the impact of the giant punch with both his arms. As the power struggle between them ensued, XJames found that the robot was much more powerful than what was previously conceived by his brain. Before Disco Nightmare could break through XJames' defense, the boy raised his prowess even higher, to 4.5 billion. Now, he was powerful enough to out-strength the robot. He pushed the fist back away from him, before grabbing two of Disco nightmare's fingers with his hands. With all his current strength, XJames lifted the robot over his head, and threw it behind him. The rest of the Scott the Second Brigade quickly got out of the way as the massive metal monster whizzed past them at great speed, before plummeting into the ground.
As Disco Nightmare tried to stand back up, XJames launched his sword like a javelin toward him. For whatever reason, the sword opened its wings and slightly changed direction, taking a detour towards Mike's face. Luckily, Mike ducked before it hit him, and only 1/4 of his hair was completely decimated by the sword. Getting back on course, the sword continued toward Disco Nightmare, who had finally got back on his legs. As the robot was about to begin fighting again, the sword ripped through its chest up until the handle, propelling it right into a mountain side. The most alarming thing about this was that this mountain wasn't even once mentioned in the map. Either it had come out of nowhere, or the map makers had been quite lazy. Either way, with the sword both lodged inside Disco Nightmare and the mountain, the robot found that he could not move. The sword was stuck too far in for it to budge, even with all its might.
XJames was in the zone now. He had done pretty good damage to the robot in such little amount of time. He sprinted towards it, getting ready to do the ultimate attack, but not really the ultimate attack. The attack just happened to be so epic that it might have been mistaken as an ultimate attack, which it had been, as you can see. Nightmare Disco wasn't just going to let him get away with this, especially since its name just got reversed for some reason, so it started to fire off the massive spikes on its disco head at the young hero. Taking his sword once more, which had dislodged itself from the ground and followed XJames on foot, he cut through the pointy spikes of death like they were the cheap kind of butter that was slightly discolored, had pieces of frog stuffed inside of it, and had been growing a full mustache at the age of three days.
When that plan had failed, the robot resorted to the last thing it could process, panic like a little baby man. XJames, now close enough to his enemy, leaped into the air and stuck out his leg as he flew right toward its disco face. With the power of his Frup, he made many ice cream sandwiches surround his foot and the lower part of his leg. With a mighty yell, he announced his attack. "Take this! Deliciously Explosive Mega Kick!"
Out of nowhere, but possibly Amber's pants, Disco Nightmare had prepared for this moment. From the light reflecting off its disco head, the robot began to form an immense ball of light in front of its face. XJames hadn't anticipated this, believing that the robot would stay acting like a little baby man. As he headed towards Disco Nightmare, the metal monstrosity fired of a humongous light laser right at him. He couldn't avoid it, taking the blow head on. XJames had originally intended to kick Disco Nightmare in the face, lodging his foot inside its head, and then the ice cream sandwiches would have exploded, blowing up its head and ending the battle. Looks like that wasn't happening.
As the light laser coursed through his entire body, blinding him, and incinerating parts of his skin, it also caused the intesity of the ice cream sandwiches explosion to be 1000 times as powerful. Usually, the amount of ice cream sandwiches that XJames had placed on his foot and leg wouldn't have been powerful enough to injure him badly (but somehow destroy an entire giant disco ball head), but now with the laser enhancing the power, when they all exploded at once, his foot and leg became seriously injured. Once the laser dissipated, he fell to the ground, injured pretty badly all around. When he first tried to stand back up, his leg filled with intense pain, and he clutched it in agony. All the bones in the leg had broke. Still, this wasn't enough to stop him. He sucked up the pain and stood proud on both legs.
Hey, it's like twelve in the morning now, and I'm writing. Why did I feel like telling you this very important information? Well, I just feel that our relationship has really grown over the past few parts, and I feel like I can be more open to you. I know, I know, you want us to have hot sweaty sex right on your bed, but I'm just not up to that yet. Sure, I may seem like I'm taking this rather slowly, but don't worry. Eventually, I'll do anything you want, even anal. Ha! That's funny because I'm a guy, and I'm not gay. Either way, back to this cool fight thing going on.
As XJames recovered himself, Disco Nightmare reached down with his mighty hand and pulled the Half-Rainbow, Half-Invisible sort out from the mountain, and from its chest. What the robot didn't realize, however, was that this was all part of XJames' plan! As soon as the sword had been relinquished, our hero sprinted towards the robot at the speed of smoke sound, jumped with the velocity of a gator eating a tater, and kicked the arm holding the sword with such a force that the arm broke away from the rest of Disco Nightmare's body. Did I mention, XJames kicked him with his broken foot.
Unfortunately, this had been all part of Disco Nightmare's plan! What XJames didn't know was that the arm he had just kicked off had actually been a very strong resistor, making the current in the electric circuit, which powered the robot, really really slow. Now, with this resistor gone, Disco Nightmare replaced its arm with a tiny light bulb, which glowed at a pretty decent brightness. Now, since the resistance had gone down immensely, the current in the robot was now insanely higher. The only reason the light bulb didn't break out of sheer awesomeness was that it was awesome breaking proof. With this new-found current, Disco Nightmare unleashed its true potential, and became five thousand times stronger than his previous maximum strength, which was a bad thing for XJames (who would have guessed?)
Not only that, but Disco Nightmare was done fooling around. He began to use his maximum power, becoming super awefultastically strong. This wasn't a big deal though, because this was all part of XJames' plan! He wanted Disco Nightmare to stop being a pussy and finally face him at his maximum strength, so he broke its arm off, knowing that it would make it more powerful. Going along with this, XJames did something that he hadn't done in a very, very long time. With overconfidence, he raised his prowess to ten billion, his normal prowess level. For the longest time, he hadn't faced an enemy with his normal amount of prowess, because usually it just incinerated the unlucky foe from being in the mere presence of XJames.
While everything seemed cool, this had been all part of Disco Nightmare's plan! It wanted XJames to face it at his normal prowess level, that way it could crush all of his confidence as it crushed all of his bones and tore off all his skin, and other gross things I don't want to go into detail about. You're probably surprised at how much planning had gone into both of these fighters strategy, but let me assure you, I am a duck. Quack, HONK!
XJames hadn't anticipated how powerful Disco Nightmare had actually become. The robot was so powerful and fast, he couldn't dodge when it gruesomely punched him into the ground. It kept punching, and pulverizing, and pounding XJames deeper and deeper into the ground, creating a bigger and bigger crater with each nasty punch. His bones cracked and broke as the robot continued without stopping. His ribs, his arms, his other leg, and even his skull cracked and broke at many places. A normal human would have been dead at this point, but XJames was still clinging at life's neck.
Disco Nightmare gave one final swing, ready to finish it all. As the looming fist came closer and closer to his body, XJames quickly lifted his arm up at the last second and caught it before it could hit him again. Though his bones were broken, his fighting spirit hadn't gone out yet. Still, the robot was much stronger than him at this point, so he had to raise his prowess higher than normal. First 34 billion, then 476 billion. Disco Nightmare's fist slowly inched away from him as his prowess kept rising. Finally, he just didn't give a fuck anymore, so he raised his prowess to its maximum level: 739,246 billion.
XJames was definitely strong enough now to out-power his opponent. Without too much effort, he clasped onto one of Disco's Nightmare's fingers and crushed it, and with his immense prowess, it caused a ripple effect, cracking its entire fist, and finally its entire arm. With the arm now weakened, XJames pulled with all his might, and the arm broke off entirely, just like the first arm had done moments ago.
Now, with Disco Nightmare armless, and defenseless, our grand hero XJames pulled himself up from the bottom of the crater and jumped back up onto regular, stable ground.
"Well, this was quite the battle you mustered up. Have to say, I haven't had a fight like this in a looooong time, so I thank you for that. It's really too bad that you aren't a living being, though, because then I would be even more impressed, but sadly you're just a robot, and now I have to destroy you once and for all," he explained. "Can't whoop me!" XJames ran towards his enemy once again, finally going to end the battle once and for all. The rest of the Scott the Second Brigade just stared in amazement as they had watched this teammate of theirs completely own a giant robot all on his own. He was going to punch a giant hole through Disco Nightmare and rip out the enormous 14 volt battery, its only power supply.
Something unexpected happened. For the first time in the whole battle, Disco Nightmare spoke: "Master Attack charged and ready. Target is weakened and locked on. Firing at will. No mercy. Death imminent. Attack launching...now," it spoke, in a sweet, robotic, female voice. Finally, XJames knew her gender, but by that time, it didn't matter. Panels all over the surface of Disco Nightmare began opening up, revealing rocket launchers, laser beams, grenade launchers, machine guns, mini-guns, missiles, and torpedos. Finally, at the core of the beast, the disco ball head, laden with spikes, opened up to reveal the light cannon that she had used before to hurt XJames, only this time, the cannon had room to expand, becoming bigger and more powerful. All the weapons began to charge up, getting ready to fire. At the last second, before they fired, XJames used his Frup and created an immense circular shield of ice cream sandwiches in front of him, hoping to lesson the barrage.
The barrier of deliciousness was torn apart instantly as Disco Nightmare began firing everything, including her giant light beam. XJames was pelted endlessly by a barrage of bullets, rockets, light, and you know the rest. A cloud of dirt began forming in the spot where Disco Nightmare laid waste to. For a good five minutes, she fired and fired and fired and fired and fired until for absolute certainty she knew that no life good possibly survive that much onslaught. Settling down, Disco Nightmare put away her guns and cannons and stood victorious. The Scott the Second Brigade were paralyzed with shock. No way could Disco Nightmare have won. There just wasn't any way that she could. XJames had it all in the bag. Everything had gone so smoothly, until this had occurred. Still, whether they wanted it to be or not, Disco Nightmare had defeated XJames.
Nah, just kidding, XJames was still alive. You're probably wondering how XJames happened to survive five minutes of absolute death and torture. Well, I don't have a good answer for that. He just did, somehow. That amazing survival didn't come without a cost though. If there was even a shred of belief that he was okay internally, he was not. All of his bones had shattered completely. There was no more bone to break, if you can believe that. On top of that, not only did all of his physical bones break, but his soul bones had shattered completely as well. This basically meant that XJames was paralyzed, for good. Since his soul bones had shattered, even after death, when he went to the afterlife, he would still be paralyzed, not being able to move at all (except his mouth, eyes, and eyelids, for convenience sake). That's how extreme the damage he took was. No human had ever before lived through such an event.
Disco Nightmare couldn't process how XJames had survived. This shouldn't have been possible. Even if things didn't usually make sense, epic battles were supposed to be the more sequenced and upheld things when it came to logic. Obviously, this was bullshit, but Disco Nightmare had a pretty bad processor, so you can't blame him. Well, you can, but doesn't he already feel ashamed enough? No? Yeah, I thought that too.
The fact still remained that XJames couldn't move a single muscle. He was absolutely paralyzed everywhere. Rather silly how he survived just to not be able to defend himself at all. While confused at how this mortal could still live, nevertheless, Disco Nightmare began the final attack. She focused all her disco head spikes into one ginormous spike, aimed right at our young hero. This was it. End of the-oh fuck it. You're probably wondering how XJames got out of this mess right? Well, let me tell ya, it was pretty easy.
XJames was at his limit. He couldn't power up any further. He was paralyzed forever. He was in absolutely terrible pain. He couldn't even grasp his sword, which laid next to him. "This...isn't the end...you bastard," he snarled at Disco Nightmare, who didn't hear him. With one final fit of passion, he yelled with intense ferocity at the dumb robot man. XJames budged a little bit, then was able to lift himself off the ground. With the best of his ability, he stood back up and faced his enemy once again. Against all odds, for whatever unknown reason, the boneless warrior was able to move again.
"CAN'T WHOOP ME!" Immense energy burst forth through his broken body, forcing the wind to whip around the surrounding area. XJames' muscles grew bulkier almost instantaneously, and his eyes had become bright red. He came across more like a beast than a man, at that point. Energy flowed steadily out of his body, as he jumped out of the second crater that Disco Nightmare had created, and back onto solid ground again. His sword hopped out of the crater as well, and he caught it as it fell next to him. With haste, Disco Nightmare fired the giant spike from her head.
"GO! FRUP!" XJames yelled. Something strange happened after this. Instead of his normal Frup, which was exploding ice cream sandwiches appearing out of nowhere, a giant package appeared before him. This package looked just like a package which covered an ice cream sandwich, which wasn't surprising, since usually his Frup involved those. XJames held his sword, which had strangely just grew a big mouth, up into the air. Suddenly, billions upon billions of ice cream sandwiches shot out from the package, soaring right into the Half-Rainbow, Half-Invisible Sword's gaping maw. As the sword ate and ate and ate and ate, it grew larger. It kept growing at an exponential rate, becoming way more awesome looking and stuff. By the time the ice cream barrage had stopped, and the package disappeared, the sword was now even larger than Disco Nightmare itself.
It baffles even me how this guy, who, let me remind you, had no bones, could lift such a big sword. No, I'm kidding. I know why. By going into this weirdo crazy state, XJames surpassed his maximum prowess. At the moment, he had 993,245 billion prowess. This giant sword was nothing to him, really. Finally, the second stage of his Frup began, and his now giant Half-Rainbow, Half-Invisible Sword was covered in a spiral of explosive ice cream sandwiches.
This was the end. At first, it seemed like Disco Nightmare may have had a chance against him, but XJames was going to be victorious. With one mighty swing, he brought down his mighty, towering sword down upon her. The sword easily cut into Disco Nightmare's quite stylish disco ball head, and down through her neck until it came to a rest at the center of her chest. The robot was finished at that point, but XJames couldn't let her go without a bang. The ice cream sandwiches spiraling the sword went off, causing a massive explosion, devouring Disco Nightmare entirely. Unfortunately for XJames, he was also caught in the blast. Luckily, the blast didn't completely incinerate him, and instead pushed him back with super force, right across the ground.
When the explosion had subsided, Disco Nightmare was no more. Scraps and pieces of the once gargantuan robot laid on the scorched ground. From this rubble, the Half-Rainbow, Half-Invisible Sword, normal size once again, waddled out and headed back towards his master, who laid sprawled on the ground. Once it reached his outstretched hand, it fell down next to him, waiting to be used once more. XJames was spent. The tremendous power he had unlocked inside himself had gone away completely. Once more, he was completely paralyzed, able to move no more than his eyes and mouth.
"Well...you just gonna stand there and stare at me, or are you gonna help?" XJames asked, directing it towards the rest of the brigade. Snapped out of their trance, everyone, but mostly Mike, went to help the broken man.
"He's very very injured. I speak to his insides and they cry out for help!" Christina said.
"What do we do then? We could take him back to King, like we did Andrew when his life was in danger," Nathan said, consuming a strawberry snake.
"No. By the time we get there, he would already be dead. We're going to have to figure out something else," Amber explained.
"Wait, how do you know about King, Amber?" Nick asked.
"Josh filled us in while we were inside Mystery. We were in there for a loooooong time, so we had plenty of time to talk. That's besides the point, though. We need to help XJames now!" Amber insisted.
"And a log cabin is the only answer!" Andrew announced. Everyone looked at him, surprised at his revelation. "Just trust me guys. Only a log cabin can save him now. We shouldn't build it here, though, because it will take away from this giant treasure chest we call Mystery. Let's go back into that boring part of Giant Forest and build one there,"
And so they did. Once they reentered the forest, they all began to work together, using their physical, mental, and Frupal capabilities to make a decent sized log cabin. After a hard days work, and lots of lemons, They were finished. On closer inspection of the cabin, once they had finished, they found it was much creepier than when they had been building it. The cabin itself was made of sturdy logs, but the wood seemed to be pealing away. Furthermore, the one window they put in was very dirty, and on closer inspection of the door, they found it was in terrible condition; part of it being broken, the hinges rusty, and it looked like it was unlocked (it should have been locked for decency's sake). Also, for some strange reason, Andrew had instructed them to place three massive boulders in front of the cabin. He wanted a random person's name, and dates under those names, etched into each boulder. They didn't understand why, but Andrew reassured them that it was important.
While the outside of the cabin was rather creepy, the inside was rather comfy and relaxed. There was a nice red rug on the floor, a small, wooden desk with a clap-activated blue lava lamp on top of it, many portraits of famous people who used sporks regularly, and finally, a soothing, black, king-sized waterbed, which was where XJames now laid. The atmosphere inside the cabin was healing his internal organs, astoundingly.
"Wow! You were right about the log cabin, Andrew. XJames is looking so much better. How did you know?" Quinton asked.
"Jimbobchris's mom, who's younger than he is because she adopted him, as well as adopting a crocodile to be his brother, and a lamp to be his cousin. The crocodile is named Seth, by the way. There's much more to this, but I feel that adequately answers your question," Andrew inquired.
"Okay then," Quinton said.
Everyone became silent as they all heard XJames suddenly coughing, finally awaking from his slumber. His eyes gazed emotionless at the room. "Nice log cabin," he said.
"XJames, you've done a lot of hard work today, and you accomplished what you set out to do. Unfortunately, that has come with the price of your body. No longer can you move like you used to. While it is sad, at least you were not killed, but I wonder, is this fate worth living?" Andrew said.
"If it means being in this log cabin for the rest of my life, I can live with that," XJames said. Strange for such a hostile warrior of battle to say something like that, but he understood that there was nothing left for him to do.
"Wait, so does this mean that XJames isn't on the team anymore, seeing as how he can't do anything?" Nick asked.
"Don't be silly," Josh answered. "While he may no longer be an asset to us, he will always be a member of our team, just like Chris has been," They paused for a moment of silence. "But death does not stop us. Even after fate says that we can't go further, we shall always be a team, each and every one of us: alive, or dead,"
"True. Very true," Race said. "Oh hey, XJames, how did you become so fucking metal all of a sudden, when it looked like you were going to die? It's like you just gained that power out of nowhere,"
"Actually, that's exactly what happened. I'm not sure how I pulled it off. I'm not even sure what that whole Frup thing was about. It was different than usual; more powerful and bad-ass. Who knows?" XJames said. Josh knew why, but he didn't spill the beans, or tell everyone else why XJames' Frup changed."Anyways, sucks that I won't be able to go along with you guys. If I still had my strength, I could tag along. My energy's spent, though," XJames said.
"That's alright, dude," Amber said. "Unfortunately, we will have to leave soon, and continue on our journey. You will be all on your own. Luckily for you, we have set up up this food and water dispenser above your head, which will feed and refresh you periodically throughout the day, at set times. It will beep three times before dispensing, so open your mouth before then,"
"What about when I need to take a shit, or piss?" XJames asked.
"Ah, yes. That matter. You see, while some of the team and I were building the dispenser, Andrew went off and caught what he likes to call a...Waste Faerie," Amber said.
"Well, this faerie will come at your call and take care of any bathroom situations you may have. All you have to do is, well, tell it to go in either...well...your penis or anus, and then she will shrink down and go up your...penis...or anus...and take away your waste," Amber explained, her cheeks flushed, dodging his eyes.
"Wait, how does she take away my waste?" XJames asked.
She looked at him again, shaking her head side to side. "I have no idea,"
"Well, enough chatter. We must get back to adventuring. XJames, maybe one day you will be strong enough to walk again," Andrew said.
"Are you sure that's even possible, seeing as my soul bones have been shattered?"
"I dunno. I was just trying to be reassuring, but we'll see. Maybe you will fart on the duck and be able to function like a normal person again. It's all a matter of time-space. Well, see ya! We've gotta go,"
"Good luck," XJames said as a final farewell. "And don't let them whoop you, got that?"
"Of course," Andrew said. As soon as everyone emptied out of the room, and Andrew was about to leave, he looked back at him and tipped his hat in farewell. Closing the door, and making sure to lock it, they were leaving XJames behind. Maybe one day they would reunite with their friend, but until that day, they could rest assured knowing that he was in this log cabin, in Giant Woods, in the Center of the Randomverse. And with that, they set off for Mystery, preparing to discover its secrets inside, which would lead them one step closer to saving all that they loved.
Funny. You'd think that the paragraph above this one would have been a fitting end to this part. I thought it would be too, but the Scott the Second Brigade was far from finished. Sure, we could stop and have their adventure continue in another part, but what fun would that be? This part is long-ass already, so what's a few more pages? Rest assured, it will all be worth it in the end. Did you not know that there's a surprise somewhere in the last few paragraphs of this part? Well you do now. Better keep on reading to find out what it is, or be a cheater and just go and find it yourself. Whichever you prefer is fine by me. And so we continue.
So Andrew, Josh, Mike, Nathan, Nick, Race, Amber, Christina, Quinton, and Arthur finally arrived back at Mystery. Now that nothing stood in their way, they would finally discover the secret of this treasure chest. First, though, they had to figure how to get that high up to get inside the chest.
"Yeah, how are we going to get up into that chest?" Josh asked.
"What do you mean?" Christina asked. "We saw you jump like two thousand feet into the air, and down to the ground when you first came out of mystery,"
"Well yeah, but I can only do that four times in my entire lifetime. I would have been able to do it three more times, but I gave those high jump abilities to Amber, Race, and Mike so they could get out of Mystery as well," he explained.
"There's only one thing we can do!" Andrew announced. "Hold on!" Andrew grabbed all of his friends and held them in his arms as both of his feet exploded, and the blood shooting out of his open wounds propelled them very high into the air as the Awesome Leader Guy laughed like a complete maniac. Soon as they were like twenty bajillion miles into the air, the blood flow stopped and everyone fell down into Mystery. They fell with a thud, hitting the bottom of the chest. The inside of the chest was so dark, that everyone could see perfectly. Everyone recovered, including Andrew, who's feet reappeared, and they looked around the haunting chest.
The barren walls extended all the way to the opening, so far above them. Weird lightning blue cans of energy drink floated mysteriously in the air that they breathed. Every once in a while, someone would accidentally breathe in a can, and choke almost to death, before Quinton would come to the rescue and use the Super Heimlich to propel the can out of their breathing holes at super sonic speed.
"Ah! We need to get out of here before one of these stupid cans kills me!" Nathan said (he had mistaken the can as food).
"Hey look over there! I see some signs. They may show us the way," Amber said. They all ran away from the evil cans, who weren't actually evil because they weren't alive, and came up to a sign, pointing down to a hole in the bottom of the chest. "Don't go down there. -Tarmy Lyles," it read.
"Well-" Andrew began. "-I don't know who this 'Larmy Tyles' person is—mostly because Larmy Tyles doesn't exist, because I just took Tarmy Lyles name and switched the primary letters of the first and last name to make that name in the first place—but, what I do know is that he/she is probably stupid, so we should disregard anything he/she says. Let's go down that hole!"
The Scott the Second Brigade jumped down the hole and fell eight hundred billion feet. It was apparent after the first three hundred million feet that they were no longer inside the treasure chest, and that Mystery was actually a lot more expansive than they previously had thought. Luckily, at the end of the tunnel, they all broke their legs horribly from the intense fall, but a crocodile with a saw for a head cured them of their broken leg disease, and they were happy again.
Andrew, despite thinking Tarmy was an idiot, decided to follow the path of signs before them. As they passed the signs, they read the haunting messages written on each one:
"I hope that sign I left at the top stopped anyone from coming down. I don't want an accident to happen because of stupidity. If they activate the machine, there's no telling what will happen. -Tarmy Lyles,"
"Huh. The universe...so expansive, and growing more powerful with each passing second. Even if they did have the gusto to do it now, who knows if they'd stand a chance later. It's best if they find another way. -Tarmy Lyles,"
"How did they fall so easily to that bitch? They are supposed to be grand, powerful entities. Picking a fight with them shouldn't be a cake walk. Still, she may have bested them, but she'll never have what she truly desires. -Tarmy Lyles,"
"How did this even get here? I can understand the concept of the machine, suppressing the inner beast inside, but who made it? How were they able to best it, and have time to build that machine to keep it under lock? This becomes more confusing the more I think about it. Maybe I should just stop thinking. -Tarmy Lyles,"
The path soon started to thin on all sides. Were they coming to the end of this cave? Whatever the case, the signs continued onward:
"I'm debating how much longer I should stay here. I've already put up the sign to sway them away from this place. There's no need to defend it. But still, there's the constant nagging in my head that says I should stay just a little bit longer. Just in case. -Tarmy Lyles,"
"When you really think about it, what have they really done to deserve this? Sure, they've been corrupted, and maybe there's a little chaos here and there, but overall everything is just as it always has been. Do those other guys really think that this is for the best? What happens when it's all over? When does it end? -Tarmy Lyles,"
"I find that the world around me is collapsing, not physically, but psychologically. Night seems to be more and more frequent, and the beasts' howls I can hear even this far underground. I shall leave this place soon. I have done all I could to protect us, and hopefully that is enough. For some reason, I fear that once I leave, everything will set into motion. -Tarmy Lyles"
Finally, the skinny hall, which the cave had then become, opened up to a much more massive room. Right in front of them was the final sign, written differently than the other signs. While the others had been etched into the wooden signs, this sign's message was written in slathered blood:
"Don't do it, Andrew. -Tarmy Lyles" Whoever this person was, he/she had known Andrew. Though the message spelled out danger, Andrew stuck by his word that whatever Tarmy said was stupid, and burned the sign where it stood.
"That'll teach him/her about wasting a perfectly good sign to give me stupid messages!" he said. After the sign had finally smoldered into ash, they could focus on the room they were in. Amazingly, it seemed to be some type of underground control room, with massive wires running out of a machine in front of them. On the monitor of the machine, it displayed a quite detailed map of the entire Randomverse; every galaxy, star, planet, and other floating celestial bodies it contained. In the middle of the whole universe, one planet glowed every second, and they realized that this picture was of the Center of the Randomverse.
"What in the world does this all mean?" Amber asked.
"Oh, I'll tell you what this all means, little girl," a voice said, out of nowhere. Looking around, they found that there was a giant person, who's body was completely made of diamonds, and who's head was a giant bar of soap. Quinton suddenly had flashbacks of immense pain and torture. The man turned around and looked at the group.
"This machine will be the start of something spectacular," he said, juggling monkeys and eating lollipops falling from the sky. Anger grew within Quinton as he realized who this wicked man was.
"YOU! I know you, you son a bitch!" Quinton yelled.
"Daddy?" Andrew guessed.
"NO! This is the living form of the Soap Diamond that I faced in my side story. He's the one who caused Flowercup to be in a wheelchair. And he's the one who's been tearing us apart from each other, strangling our love where it stands," he said.
"Yes, they call me Stud, but you can call me Stud. Quinton, I know how you must feel right now. Your girlfriend leaving you to slaughter me, in hopes of fulfilling her silly revenge game, and me standing right before your very eyes," Stud explained.
"Is Flowercup nearby?" Quinton asked. Before Stud responded, suddenly he grew very angry, leaping over to Christina and punching her in the chest, then taking her head and kneeing her in the face. She fell to the ground, her nose broken, her eyes blackened, and two of her teeth fallen off. Everyone had been completely caught off guard by this. No one ever attacked Christina first. Stud jumped into the air, positioned his head toward the ground and started to spin it with insane speed. This spinning allowed him to hover in place, as Andrew's team prepared to get payback for what he had done to Christina.
"No need to be so uptight. I will tell you one important thing about this place. Once you activate this machine, there is no turning back again. No reloads, no checkpoints, and no dinner for breakfast," he warned. Then, Stud came back down to the ground and seized Amber where she stood, holding a sword to her throat. "Now stay back! I will cut this girls throat, if I have to,"
"You rotten, crazy, bastard. Let go of Amber!" Race cried. He prepared his gats, when he heard a desperate cry.
"RACE, DON'T! Please!" Quinton screamed. He was on the verge of tears. This whole situation had brought him back to his side story. His love being captured and held at gunpoint, then shot and paralyzed. He didn't want this to happen again, or something even worse. Race could tell just from the expression on Quinton's face that this was a very serious situation. He glared at Stud, and lowered his weapon.
"Thank you," Stud said, holding the sword even closer to Amber's neck. "Quinton, you still have it, don't you? The Crimson Core?" Quinton had totally forgotten about the item that Stud had given him so long ago. Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out the diamond heart with ruby blood. "Good. While the heart is the true source of all power, and maintains the three types of power invested in most people, there is something much more important about it. I can't tell you what, but just remember. It's important,"
A giant spiked whale fell from the ceiling, and Stud let go of Amber and jumped away, as it almost crushed him entirely. "Don't ever threaten my life again!" Amber said, seething with anger.
"I see. This girl can summon things. I would suggest you take advantage of this girl, Andrew. With time, she will become a menace to uphold," Stud said, his head spinning and his arms flapping. Five birds burst through his head and turned into a hat, which he disintegrated with his three-handed laser gun. "As for now, I have done all I can for you. Quinton, much luck with your girl in the future, if she isn't already dead. Goodbye," From behind him, a blue vortex opened up, and he jumped inside. The vortex closed, and everyone was left alone to figure out what the fuck had just happened.
"That guy is such an asshole!" Quinton said. "And I think he is mentally insane,"
"Really Quinton? You think we should be talking about who's mentally insane?" Andrew said. "Anyhow, enough of this diamond soap spin stuff. Let's see what this machine is all about," He approached the control deck of the machine, and noticed only one distinct thing about it. The machine only had one button. This button was very strange, with a picture of a target on the top of it, and around the button were various pictures of naked men. Strange indeed, but Andrew was not swayed by the pictures, and allowed his hand to continue on its quest to push the button. Finally, after anticipation had dripped momentously from the ceiling, he slammed his palm down on the button and activated the machine.
Suddenly, giant red, blue, purple, and black lights came out of the ceiling and blared everywhere, with alarms sounding loudly. Five parrots flew into the room, singing the alphabet song, instead using hieroglyphics for the lyrics. Shit was going down. They all looked at the screen as they saw the pictures of the celestial bodies moving towards the Center of the Randomverse. They grew closer with every passing second. Before they could act, the team was consumed by a giant metal sphere with a thousand and five rockets on the bottom of it. Luckily, no one had died, and everyone was all right.
The rockets flared up as chunks of the ceiling came crashing down. The cave was starting to collapse in on itself. Lava started to flow in. Laser beams shot in every direction, eviscerating anything they touched. A giant turtle broke through the ceiling and fell down right next to them. Everything was going haywire. Finally, the sphere took off. Somehow, the ship guided itself in the direction of the giant hole the turtle made and flew up with incredible speed. After a minute, they broke through to the surface, and continued on higher. That little sphere, crushing everyone inside, didn't stop. Soon, they were out of the atmosphere, and were now in space. They watched (those who were actually facing the planet) as the Center of the Randomverse quickly got smaller and smaller. As they continued blazing through space, planets, stars, moons, and other space rocks quickly passed by them, and headed straight towards CR.
Once they had flown for about three minutes, or so, the sphere stopped. It had run out of fuel, so the sphere split down the middle, and broke into two parts, freeing the team. As the two halves of the sphere drifted away from them, they exploded expectantly and made everyone look cool, except for your daddy. Now, the Scott the Second Brigade just floated there, drifting in space. They noticed that more and more celestial bodies were continuing to pass them, all headed towards CR. Were they going to destroy the planet altogether? Didn't look like it. As the rocks came close to the planet, they stopped a little ways away from it, collecting in a big bunch.
"What in the world is going on here?" Amber asked.
"I don't know, but what I do know is that it is really chilly out here, so I'm going to go inside," Nick said, heading towards the school building. After about three steps, Nick realized what he was doing and laughed at himself. "Wow. For a second there, I actually thought I was at school. Force of habit, I guess," No one laughed at the predicament, which Nick found quite silly. He came back to them and continued to watch the cluster grow bigger.
"What do you think it's forming?" Amber asked Andrew.
"I'm not sure, but whatever it's doing, it needs to hurry the fu-" As Andrew had wished, multitudes of celestial objects whisked past them at an even faster, exponentially growing pace. The gravity shifts caused by all these giant bodies moving at such fast speeds caused five bajillion black holes to appear and eat themselves, causing a lollipop to fall from the sky, which Nathan caught with his mouth.
Out of nowhere, a flash of great light blinded everyone, and their mothers. As the light died down, the team finally saw what all this commotion was about. In front of their faces, a massive being floated, not too far away. All the galaxies, stars, planets, and moons had come together to form this being. As they craned their necks looking up higher and higher, they could only see a giant toe, a trillion billion bajillion times their size.
Just then, they noticed that the being was floating downwards now. As the being fell, the toe finally ended and introduced itself to a leg, which connected to a crotch, and so on and so forth. After twenty five minutes of waiting for this bright, neon blue being to descend, they finally came to the head. Made up of so many massive objects, they stared in awe as this being stared right back at them, its purple eye bigger than a hundred million of the biggest galaxy put together.
"Who in all of the Randomverse are you?" Andrew asked it.
"Funny you should say that," the being spoke, its voice bellowing out towards the edges of infinity. "I am the Randomverse!"
Everyone was completely floored, except for Andrew and Josh. Was it really possible? Their own universe, come together to form one living, breathing life-form? That was totally radical, but to others, it was also completely nuts to think.
"H-h-ho-ho-how d-di-d-did y-you-" Mike began, totally frightened by the Randomverse.
"-That is quite simple, Solunearthling. You see, when you pressed that button on Mystery, you released the bond that forced me to stay stable. With that bond gone, I was able to finally return to my true form, as the being you see now before you," Randomverse explained. "I think the better question to ask here, is why did you release me?"
"Honestly-" Andrew said. "-I had no idea what would happen when I pressed that button. All I knew is that it meant progress, according to Josh, so I went for it, despite the consequences,"
"Josh?" Randomverse asked. The being focused his eyesight on the tall lad, who glared right back. "Oh yes. I was the one who gave him those eyes. While my power was limited, I was able to help him and aid your group on your journey. And so now, you have ventured wide and far to get to this point. You want me to help you even more, in getting to the other dimension, where the authors reside,"
"Yes. You are totally correct. This is why we have set you free, in hopes that you will guide us along to them," Josh explained. The Randomverse lowered its head and scratched its chin, thinking about what to do, and what to say. After a little thinking, it raised its head and made a decision.
"Fuck that. I've been trapped for nearly 5,873,593,166,888,127,636,666 years, and I've just been freed, and you expect me to obey your commands? No, you lifeforms have had so much time to do whatever you wanted, and now it's my turn," Randomverse explained.
"So, what does that mean?" Christina asked.
"What it means is that I'm horny as hell. Very horny. I haven't been able to release all this pent up emotion in such a long time," it explained. Now the Scott the Second Brigade was a little bit creeped out.
"Hold on one second-" Race began. "-Exactly what gender are you anyways? I bet the author is getting really tired of just calling you, 'the being' and referring to you as an 'it',"
"Oh, what a darling little question. If you really must now, I am a hermaphrodite. Did you not see my giant penis, and giant breasts as I floated down here?" she asked (Randomverse likes to think of herself more as a girl).
"Well, yeah we did, but we just wanted to make sure," Race said.
"There's your answer then! And if you also want to know my sexuality, seeing as I want to have sex, I'm squarely bisexual. I don't prefer one gender even slightly more than the other. I can fuck both of them just the same," Randomverse said.
"Has anyone noticed these parts have been getting a lot more vulgar as time goes on?" Amber asked.
"Well duh!" Andrew answered. "How else are we going to appeal to the teenage/college class male and female audience? "
"A good story, interesting characters, surprising plot twists, and an inner emotional connection?" she said.
"HAHAHA! You're so funny Amber. But anyways, let's get back to you, Mr. Giant Universe Explosion Face!" Strangely, Randomverse did not have an explosion face, so Andrew's statement was pretty cooky.
"Enough of this," Josh said. "Despite your urges, we really need to get to the Author's dimension, so would you just help us already? Or does Josh have to convince Andrew to punch a bitch, and convince himself to stop talking in the third person?"
"It seems we've come to a deadlock. Okay, how about this. If you defeat me, I will open up the portal/vortex thing, but if I win, I get to fuck that boy and that girl," Randomverse said, pointing to Mike and Christina.
"Please win!" They both said to the rest of their teammates in terror.
"I think the real question here-" Race began. "-is if she prefers an-"
"-ENOUGH! Battle me, young lifeforms. Prove your worthiness to go through the vortex!" Randomverse shouted.
"OBJECTION!" a voice shouted. Everyone went silent at the commanding voice. They looked around and noticed Josh, who was now wearing a suit and tie, and standing behind a podium, pointing his finger at Randomverse. He had become a lawyer.
Slamming his hands down on the podium, he continued his speech. "Your honor, it's quite obvious to everyone in the court, that this man/woman is trying to change the subject from her fascination of giving and receiving it into the anal regions," He looked over and stared intensely into Ambers eyes, who just then realized that Josh was referring to her as the judge.
"O-Oh, well-" she began, not sure of what to say.
"-Just wait a gosh darn minute here!" Quinton interrupted, revealing himself to be the other lawyer. "There is no undeniable proof that Race was referring to how the Randomverse likes to have sex. Sure, it was implied that he might be, but there is no decisive proof! He never finished his statement,"
"True, but how can you explain Randomverse's sudden urge to interrupt Race? They had just been talking about her sexuality, so if she figured where he was going with that statement, of course she would interrupt!" Josh replied.
"I object!" Quinton responded, slamming his hands against his podium, which just appeared. "The reason she interrupted was because she was tired of talking, and wanted to get to the action! She even said, 'battle me, young lifeforms' because she wanted to fight. Besides, you still don't have decisive proof that she was trying to interrupt Race from talking about her sexual preference,"
"Hold on! You don't have decisive evidence of your claim, and actually, I do have evidence. I call my witness, Andrew Scott Walker Jr. II, to the stand!" Andrew came up to the stand and cleared his throat.
"People of the court, I have decisive evidence that Randomverse wanted to avoid an awkward conversation about anal sex! Just take a listen to this tape!" Andrew said, wielding a tape recorder above his head.
"W-What? Impossible!" Quinton cried.
"Oh, but it is very possible," Josh said smugly. "Now witness, play the tape!" Andrew clicked the golden button on the tape recorder, and it began to play.
"Um, hello. I am indeed the Randomverse, the shemale who is really random and a universe. Now, the reason I interrupted Race, and I hope no one is recording this, is because I didn't want to talk about how I like to fuck people in the ass, and how I like to get fucked in the ass. Good thing no one is recording this," the tape said, before clicking off.
"There you have it. The Randomverse is guilty of changing the subject to protect herself from an embarrasing conversation," Josh yelled.
"Objection!" Quinton countered, slamming down on his podium, which launched it in a downward direction, because apparently zero gravity had just activated. "The voice on that tape clearly didn't match my client at all. In fact, that was Nathan's voice on the tape. I even see him enjoying a rainbow slug snack, which only the witness owns, which leads me to believe that you bribed him to make a fake tape,"
"SHUT UP!" Randomverse yelled, tired of the insolent rambling these two were going on about.
"OBJECTION!" Josh yelled back. "I've had enough of your client Quinton. She needs to die," He jumped onto his podium, ripped off his suit, revealing his normal clothes underneath. "Go, Tape Ball of Pillows," He flung his super duper weapon at the Randomverse with all of his strength. Before it even came close to hitting her, she began manipulating the gravity around the tape ball and flung it back at him at astronomical speed. The ball clunked him in the noggin, and he had the sudden urge to sing random songs until he died of heat stroke. Luckily, his friends were there to help. Andrew poured him a glass of water from a faucet floating in space, and broke the glass over his head, and then punched him in the face.
"Whoa. Thanks Andrew. I feel a lot better," Josh said, relieved of his trance.
"Okay, I'm going to take that attack as a sign that you finally want to fight. So be it. Behold as I equip my fighting gear," Randomverse said. Out of the time-space continuum, a giant top hat appeared and fell down atop her head. A monocle encircled her left eye, and a fake, brown, bushy mustache appeared on her face. Finally, a long, black cane materialized from her hand, and she wielded it as her weapon.
"Classy," Race said.
"Now, let the battle commence!" Randomverse said. Quick as a cherry Popsicle hiding from a lemon assassin, she swung down her mighty cane at the group. Before they were hit, the Scott the Second Brigade split apart in opposite directions, barely avoiding the cane. Adjusting her monocle, Ramdomverse shot an intense green beam from it, but the team avoided that as well. She wouldn't give up, though. Next, Randomverse brought her hands together, making the gravity between them really massive until it formed into a giant gravity asteroid. Taking the asteroid, she threw it, and it barreled towards the helpless team.
"I-I think w-we need a better ba-battle plan for this guy. He's too powerful!" Nathan said, teeth chattering as the asteroid came ever closer.
"Don't worry, Nathan. I got this," Andrew said, rushing towards the asteroid. When the two objects—that crazy guy we love to call the awesome leader guy, and the giant gravity asteroid created by the evil universe meanie pants—were about to collide, Andrew threw his fist, full-force, and punched the asteroid. The asteroid proved to be a lot more powerful than he thought, for the punch did absolutely nothing to stop it, and he was absorbed into it. The gravity was so intense, it was crushing his bones, his blood cells, his lunch, and his hat. Blood shot out of his body for absolutely no reason except to look really cool. Still, Andrew wouldn't give up. He started to punch the gravity inside the asteroid itself, until eventually the asteroid completely dissipated.
"Andrew! Are you alright?" Josh said, coming to his aid in a flash. Andrew wiped the blood off his clothes, and grinned at Josh.
"Oh, of course I'm all right. Just a scratch here and there. I didn't know how powerful this girl really was," Andrew answered. "My Punch of Epictasticositomeca couldn't even stop that gravity asteroid,"
"Actually, about that. I've got a plan to deal with those asteroids, but we're going to need the whole team in order to do it," Josh said. The star-eyed second in command then relayed his plan to Andrew, who broadcast the message to the rest of the team members' brains.
"Sounds good to me," Andrew said, and the rest of the Scott the Second Brigade agreed without singing. They were all terrible singers, especially that one guy. You know who I'm talkin' bout. Now, they just had to wait until Randomverse attacked them with another gravity asteroid.
After five thousand attacks, which they all barely avoided, they were getting quite sick and tired of Randomverse not attacking them with which they needed him to attack with. I mean, come on now, it worked really good the first time, so why did their enemy not use the attack again. Did she believe that if she used it again, it would jinx her luck, and she would never have a good enough attack again? If so, she's really stupid.
Finally, after what seemed like five minutes, Randomverse began to unleash another monstrous gravity asteroid. Everyone—but Josh's cats, and anybody other than Andrew's team—got into position, as the asteroid was hurled directly at them. With the flick of a fly, they wielded their super duper weapons. The Tape Ball of Pillows, The Fan of Waterfowl, The Frozen Half Hula-Hoop of Hippos, The Purple Drill of Legos, The Narwhal of Death, The Gats, The Plastic Lightsaber, The Zombie-Breathing Dragon, The Clawbber (though Arthur was too far away to actually help) and The Plastic Magnetic Spoon/D-Battery/Pen (Andrew liked to call his super duper weapon The Combo).
Randomverse launched the mighty fat asteroid of super gravity "holy shit you're gonna die" boom. Sure, I said he already had launched it, but why can't he fire that attack again, just later? Just because I say it happened one way doesn't mean it didn't happen another way. Either way, the asteroid headed, once again, toward the team. This time, Andrew didn't intervene. In fact, to the surprise of his team, he wasn't even in position like he was supposed to be. Whatever, they could handle it. The Scott the Second Brigade attacked the asteroid with their Super Duper Weapons simultaneously. With their combined strength, they were able to stop the asteroid completely in its tracks. Still, to their dismay, they weren't powerful enough to redirect the asteroid back at Randomverse. Suddenly, they all heard a shout of manliness behind them.
"RAAAH! Go, Ultra Flexing Super Duper Kick of Bodacious Fury!" Andrew shouted, sprinting towards the asteroid. They noticed that Andrew was not holding his super duper weapon in his hand, and instead decided to duck tape The Combo onto his foot instead. "FORE!"
Andrew kicked the asteroid, launching it back at Randomverse. The great being was way too slow to avoid the incoming asteroid, and it hit her in the face, and exploded, causing 1/8th massive damage. Somehow, her monocle survived the blast, and now she was very pissed.
"Well, I didn't think you puny runts were so powerful. Well, let's kick it up a notch, shall we?" she said, slowly raising her hand up to her monocle.
Andrew, who's Super Duper Weapon was now not duck taped to his foot, quickly gathered his team together, wanting to discuss something.
"So, the way I see it, the only way we'll be able to beat him is if we whither him down, sending his attacks back at him, and so forth. However, since doing that would take four hundred million years to defeat him, I've come up with something else. It's been way over three hours since I used my last energy spike, so I'm going to sprint up to Randomverse's main power source and sap his energy. Hopefully, that will give me enough power to defeat him, once and for all," he explained.
"Okay, what do we do then?" Nick asked.
"Simple. You distract him while I'm trying to get to his power source. Do whatever you can to turn his attention from me. We good? Okay, let's do this!" Before anyone could interject, Andrew sprinted as fast as he could towards Randomverse. She caught sight of this, and started to follow him with her monocle, finally getting her hand up to it.
"Oh jeez, we got to protect Andrew," Josh said. "Let's go!" Randomverse adjusted her monocle to a different setting and quickly shot a green, acid laser. As the laser drew closer, Nathan came in between it and Andrew. Taking his Fan of Waterfowl, which was much like a chinese hand fan, he created a gust of wind towards the beam. The wind twist and turned, forming a flock of five Canadian geese, who intercepted the laser. Luckily for them, geese were experts at absorbing lasers, so the entire acid laser was absorbed. However, geese were not experts at sending the energy anywhere else, so they ended up exploding, causing harm to no one but themselves.
"What? You destroyed my attack using mere geese? I can't believe this. How about your little geese absorb a beam at full power!" she said, adjusting her monocle once again. Nathan threw an even bigger gust of wind toward her, creating a giant flock of geese, six times bigger than the previous. The monocle charged to its maximum degree and fired a humongous electric beam, at least ten times as big as the last laser. The geese tried their darnedest to absorb that whole laser, but alas, their small and feathery bodies were no match against the massive wattage of the lightening. They only managed to absorb a fourth of the laser before exploding, and allowing the rest of the laser to head straight toward Nathan.
Right before the laser hit the boy, and killed his entire family, including his puppy dog, Quinton came onto the scene (probably in the way you're thinking) and combined a toothbrush, a set of navy pliers, and a window, to create a very small hand mirror. When the beam of lightening hit the mirror, it was deflected upward towards Josh, who used his Frup and turned himself into a decent sized mirror, and deflected the beam right back at Randomverse. The lightening beam struck the monocle from which it was created and shattered it into little bits. She went into spasms as the lightening violently coursed through her body, and in turn probably killed five trillion people. Bet you didn't think about that, did you. Nah, it turns out most people that live are lightening proof, except the people on Andrew's team, for the sake of morality.
"How dare you destroy my monocle! Not only was it very expensive, but it also made me very classy, just like this cane with which I'll beat your asses," Randomverse shouted. Meanwhile, Andrew was still making his way towards her core. He was sprinting down her arm, hopping from planet, to star, and to an occasional quasar. Randomverse didn't notice him at all, being too small for her to actually feel him.
Now it was Christina's time to shine. She appeared in front of Randomverse, wielding her Frozen Half Hula-Hoop of Hippos. The celestial being noticed her and began to swing her mighty cane towards her face, though it didn't matter what exact part of her body she swung at, since the cane was just going to hit every part.
Christina put the half hula-hoop around her neck and began to spin it rapidly. As the hoop spun super fast, her head began to turn icy blue, and her cheeks began to puff up. Soon, she couldn't hold it anymore, and she released a freeze beam toward the cane. However, it was apparent to everyone that this beam would be much too small to freeze Randomverse's entire arm, like Christina had planned. Acting fast, Nathan turned into Jared the Magic Bunny and created a magnification field in front of the path of the beam. As the beam passed through, it became 100,000 times bigger. Still the beam was not big enough to freeze her entire arm. As the beam continued on, Amber focused her energy and summoned a giant magnifying monster from the depths of Walker Hell. When the beam passed through the glass, it grew massively and became 100,000,000 times bigger than the previous form.
The cane clashed with the freeze beam, which encased it completely in ice, followed by Randomverse's hand, and then her entire arm. No longer could the savage hermaphrodite swing her arm and hit anybody.
"Hey Nick, does your book of knowledge say the exact point, which when hit, would destroy Randomverse's entire arm?" Race asked. Nick turned his copy of "Slugs United" into the Encyclopedia of Almost Infinite Knowledge Maybe. He looked to page 5,049,232,111,333,896,456 and analyzed the information, without reading it.
"Well, got nothing about the arm, but it does say that if you hit the red target on the cane, right under the middle part of Randomverse's pinky finger, you can destroy the entire cane," Nick said.
"Good enough for us. Let's go guys!" Race said. In a flash, Race, Quinton, and Mike flew towards the cane, preparing to ram the spot with their shoulders. First, they were going to have to get through the ice surrounding that spot. Luckily, Josh had planned beforehand and came up to the spot with his super duper weapon. He used the Tape Ball of Pillow's power of breathing fire to melt the ice away from the spot, leaving it bare for the three other guys to ram.
Race and Quinton slammed into the cane's weak spot, cracking the surrounding area with the power of their shoulders. For some reason, Mike hadn't stayed with him. Where had he gone? Did he die? Did his butt explode, because that would have been horrible for everyone. Mike's butt was the source of their friendship; the bond that should never be exploded. On the contrary, Mike's butt had not exploded at all, and he was just lagging behind a little bit. In the wink of a blink, he came flying onto the scene, his Plastic Lightsaber in hand. As he came toward the weak spot, he held the sword above his head, ready to strike down. And then he did strike down, piercing through the cracks into the cane, though it was highly unlikely that a lightsaber made of plastic could pierce anything. The cracks grew larger, spreading through the entire cane until the whole damn thing splintered and broke into a bajillion pieces, then those pieces got divorced and went on their merry way to Merry Way, a place where all your dreams come true. Unfortunately, those dreams then become homicidal, and kill you, and eat your flesh, and your dog. It's really a terrible place.
With the cane broken, Randomverse was able to free her frozen arm. If she was raging before, she was now probably triple raging, or something. Both her monocle and her cane had been destroyed, decreasing her class at a parabolic level. All she had now was her top hat, which was becoming worse for where, since the other classy items had been destroyed.
Still darting, Andrew had reached the core planet of Randomverse, which happened to be, The Center of the Randomness. Holy shit, who would have guessed? I thought it was going to be Booby Planet. You know, where those one birds with the blue feet live, not random floating breasts. That would be an interesting planet when I think about it, but I digress. Andrew still had to get back to Mystery, so he could once again find the control room, and save the world!
Randomverse wasn't going to have it anymore, so she spit the steak back out onto the plate, and threw it at Mike, who barely avoided the massive tableware. Christina came up towards the plate and spoke to the steak on top, who was controlling the plate.
"Hey steak, how about you turn around and go hit that mean bad guy," Christina said, using her everything communication.
"Why?" the steak asked.
"Because, he was so mean to you. Spitting you out on a plate and throwing you. You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. No steak deserves that. You should show him that you aren't one to be messed with," she explained.
The steak stopped dead in its tracks. "You know what? You're right! I don't have to take this. For my people, I shall take my revenge!" he screamed. Just then, he began spinning the plate in the opposite direction and bolted back at Randomverse. He slammed into her head, shattering the plate, and embedding plate particles in her skull.
"AAH! That's it! I've had enough. I'm going to kill you kids if it's the last thing I do," Randomverse shouted, pulling the plate particles out of her, piece by piece. She snatched the top hat from the top of her head and pushed an invisible button on the top of it. Once activated, the top hat transformed into its true form, a Giant Classy Machine Gun. With an evil cackle, she fired bullet after bullet at them. The Scott the Second Brigade quickly dodged and dove to get out of the way of the bullets. If you haven't noticed, the brigade is really good at dodging things. I think that's a useful skill to have.
A laugh sounded amongst the chaos. "So that's how you want to play it? Well, I'll just have to fight guns with guns!" Race said, triumphantly. He took out his gats and took after towards Randomverse's machine gun. As giant projectiles from the machine gun headed his way, he hopped, skipped, and jumped from one bullet to the next. He reached the muzzle, but was stopped short when an unexpected bullet fired out and hit him. Who knows how this bullet could have been unexpected, seeing as how he was heading toward a gun, and a bajillion shots had been fired beforehand, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt.
Though the humongous bullet hit him square in the chest, Race just ricocheted off of it. Being invincible against normal attacks could be really awesome at times. Then again, if he ever became an Emo, which would never happen, he wouldn't be able to cut himself. Or, if he was into some kinky S&M stuff, that would never go to well. Enough about hypothetical situations, though. Race was okay, and that's fine with me.
After recovering from the hit, Race resumed his plan. He entered into the muzzle, and ran towards the center of the gun. Luck was on his side today, because it turned out that the gun had just ran out of bullets. This was going to be easy peasy, or so he thought. Just as he was getting close to the gun core, bullet ninjas attacked, firing guns at the super defensible boy. Race fired his gats in quick succession, blasting all the guns heading towards him. When the bullet ninjas had run out of guns and couldn't attack, Race came up and stuffed one of them into his gat, and shot the other ninja with him, making them both explode.
Race had made it to the core, which happened to be the core of a pear. Race was relieved that it hadn't been an apple core. If it was an apple core, he wasn't sure if he could muster the courage to destroy it. "Pull out chyo gat!" he cried as he pulled out his gats and fired, bullet after bullet, into the core. He kept on firing, but it didn't seem the core was letting up. After he had exhausted every bullet, he wasn't sure what to do anymore. He relied on his gats to get the job. They had never failed him before. Why was this moment any different? Falling to his knees, he punched the ground furiously. He had failed.
Out of his desperation, he had remembered something important. Something an old friend had told him not too long ago. He heard it clear as day: "Bein' sisters is like...apple pie. You can have amazin' apples, and you can have a wonderfully crispy crust, but only together you can have a perfect apple pie," Though this quote had come from Applejack, a pony from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, this quote gave him the inspiration he needed to figure out what to do. Taking one gat with both his hands, he ripped the back of the gun, metal shards and all, off. Next, he took his other gat and shoved it into into the back of the first gat, creating an all new weapon, The Amalgatate. Taking an apple, which he saved for emergencies, he shoved into the gun and began to fire. The gun began to supercharge the apple, making it exponentially powerful. At the point of no return, Race fired the apple, which hit the pear core and exploded, destroying the core altogether in an explosion.
Outside, Randomverse was swinging her ammo-less machine gun at the Scott the Second Brigade, but to no avail. Their collective dodging ability was level 344, which was pretty large. Swinging back and forth, she didn't realize that her gun was starting to flash faintly, cracking at the mere might of the energy released by the core. Before long, she finally noticed that something was wrong, and tried to throw it away from herself. By then, it was too late. The gun erupted (thought I was going to say exploded, didn't ya?) and the blast significantly injured Randomverse's hand. She screamed in pain as her hand suffered third degree burns, which basically meant that a ton of black holes had been created in her hand. These weren't normal black holes, which sucked up everything. They were the black holes that made a giant universe being's hand hurt. I thought that was quite obvious. I don't know how you couldn't figure that out yourself. Oh well.
You're probably wondering what happened to Race. Well, obviously he survived, being invincible to normal attacks, and was flung back to his teammates, along with his gats. Yes, that's right, he no longer had The Amalgatate. That was a one time use weapon, that could only be created under dire circumstances. He would never be able to use it again. He didn't have any regrets, though. The weapon had been of great use to him, while being only temporary.
Andrew had finally made it back to Mystery. Taking a step, his leg grew a bajillion feet longer, boosting him up to the top of Mystery, and allowing him to get inside. Once he reentered, his leg was normal size once more. He fell back down into the hole and continued through the cave of signs. At the end of it all, he was back right where this all began. He stood before the computer, and the giant monitor which now displayed a picture of Randomverse in living form, rather than just scattered celestial bodies. This was it. Focusing his Frup fun yum yum stuff, he created an energy spike and struck the computer, sappin' its energeez. Andrew roared as he was filling up with immense power that he only dreamed about in pop-up books. His body couldn't take this massive input of new and powerful energy, so after about ten seconds of sapping, Andrew's feet exploded beneath him, launching him headfirst out of the cave, out of the ground, off the planet, and back out into space, where he collided into Mike. Though the Mike person was injured, his Frup allowed him to turn that pain into a pair of rabid shades, which ripped evil bad guys to shreds. Unfortunately, Randomverse was much too big for the glasses to have any affect.
With his feet regrown, the mighty Awesome Leader Guy was ready for action. The final showdown. Everyone was riding on him to claim the victory, well, except the bad guy. But other than him, everyone was ready for Andrew's time to shine.
"Okay guys. This is what we've all been waiting for. As of now, I am going to kick Randomverse's ass. You guys did great out here, but leave the rest of this to me. I've gained enough of her power to defeat her.
"HA!" Randomverse laughed, hearing his words. "You really think you have enough power to defeat me, once and for all. Sure, you used your energy spike to steal my energy, but your puny little body can only hold so much. I doubt you would even beat me at half my strength!"
"Is that so?" he said. "Well, let's just test that little theory out, right now and here. With the energy you've given me, I shall use it to conjure up one final attack, which WILL end it all," His eyes began to radiate with unpower, while his body quivered like mad.
"You're a fraction—no, you're not even a fraction of my size. You know what you are? Compared to me, you're nothing but a small, insignificant atom," Randomverse shouted.
"If that's the case, this small, insignificant atom is going to kick your ass! GO! Crowning omega death show Randomverse that even the universe can't stop us attack: Techno Tempest Uproar!" Andrew screamed to all the points of insanity. Quietly at first, a soft beat began playing in the background music of space. Growing louder, ever so slightly, with each passing second, Andrew focused his unpower, balling his fists together, sweat dripping down his forehead, his brain pushed ever so faster. Finally, as the music ran on, it hit a point and it stopped. The bass dropped. In a milisecond, techno music blared like there was no tomorrow, consuming every air molecule in its wake. Andrew flashed red, blue, purple, green, pink, and god knows what else. The colors were flashing so fast—too fast in fact. Andrew had become a sea of seizure inducing madness. He was a living rave party on the drugs that steroids use to go crazy.
Thrusting his arm at Randomverse, an ocean of everything including the kitchen sink, its mom's cousin, and its divorced wife's second dog, tore out of his palm at a bajillion times the speed of speed squared. The massive wave of items was a hundred times the size of the Randomverse herself, and swallowed her whole as it continued blasting out into space. Once the end of the wave pierced out of Andrew's grasp, he punched the items all that the same time, causing the entire wave to explode at once, brutally devastating the Randomverse. As the explosions combined, Andrew grabbed the end of the explosion and thinned it out into a very long, fine whip. With haste, he slashed the Randomverse with the whip thousands of times per second. After that sexy attack, Andrew whipped at her one final time, at her core. The whip encircled the Center of the Randomverse many times until it somehow tied itself together, and with a great pull, Andrew forced the world out of her, and into plain sight, only staying connected by the great strands of the universe. Holding the whip in place by forcing the end of it into time-space itself, Andrew's feet exploded once more, and he sailed straight towards CR. Putting his hands out in front of him, he focused his seizure color induced body into a Giant Ball of Techno Awesome. As the ball grew in size, Andrew began to change back to normal. Finally, as he was nearly at CR, the Giant Ball of Techno Awesome was complete. The massive ball was as big as CR itself. The two massive balls collided, creating an enormous burst of pleasure and ecstasy.
The seizure inducing color faded, and Andrew floated, entranced by the colors that had not escaped his eyes just yet. The Center of the Randomverse stood no more, being completely destroyed by the blast.
"Hahaha!" Randomverse, who still stood, laughed. "You fool. You may have destroyed my core, but do you not realize, you've just killed billions of innocent people on that planet. You call yourself a hero, but all you are is a murderer!"
"HahaHA!" Andrew laughed back. "You fool. You may think I killed billions of innocent people, but at that last second, I had Josh go and save everyone on the planet," Randomverse looked to the second in command and saw this was true. In his hand was everyone from the Center of the Randomverse.
"What? How is that possible?" she asked with amazement and wonderful wonder.
"I'm tall!" Josh replied.
"Oh. Well then, I guess that's all for me. That last shot at making you look bad didn't turn out so well. I'm going to be defeated now. NOOOOOOOOO!" she cried, rays of light beaming from ever part of her body, before she exploded, sending all the planets, and stars, and moons, and weird space rocks right back to where they had originally came from. The Randomverse was now back to the way it was, which was not a giant horny sentient monster thing.
"What about us?" Everyone from the Center of the Randomverse cried?
"Oh, don't worry guys," Josh said. "Quinton has combined things to create you a new, better planet that we like to call Moatstopia, named after the man who saved you guys. Have fun!" Josh threw all the people into Moatstopia, which looked almost exactly like the Center of the Randomverse, but the water was red, the land was light purple, and the only continents were one of Josh's face on one end, and three other continents on the other end which were the words, "Joshua" and "Rocks" and the third being a giant exclamation mark. With a swift kick, Josh launched the planet back into the center of the randomverse, though the planet was now not named after the place where it existed.
"Wow. You have a planet named after yourself," Christina said to him. "Are you ever gonna visit it?"
"Maybe one day," Josh answered. Now that Moatstopia was now in the center, the Randomverse was peaceful and prosperous once again. That is, until, the celestial bodies all came back together and the Randomverse was once again restored to its sentient, human-like self.
"OH COME ON!" Nathan yelled.
"No, no, no! I'm not here to fight you. You have indeed defeated me," Randomverse reassured. "What I'm here to do is to fulfill my part of the bargain. I told all of you that if you defeated me, I would open a wormhole to the Author's dimension, and so I will fulfill-"
"OBJECTION!" Josh cried, back to his lawyerish ways, for whatever reason. "This is clearly a contradiction. You said earlier that it was a portal/vortex, not a wormho-"
"-Okay! Fine! It was a wormhole all along. I misspoke when I said it was a portal/vortex, so can I get on with this?" Randomverse said.
"I rest my case," Josh said, a smiling smugly in victory.
"Anyway, like I was saying, I will fulfill my promise and open the wormhole," she said. Focusing her breasts and penis, she fired a laser out of her belly button into deep space. Written in the stars, a million miles away, the enormous black wormhole opened up, spiraling into eternity.
"Cool. Well, let's get to it team. Into the wormhole!" Andrew cried.
"Wait!" Randomverse said. "Before I set you guys on your way to fulfill your destinies, let me give you a gift that will help you on your journey,"
"Gift? Is it chocolate? Or possibly hot wings? Maybe some curly fries?" Nathan asked eagerly.
"No, no, no, hungry one. No snacks,"
"Awwwwww!" he replied in hungriness.
"I will give you what your teammate over there has foreshadowed for two parts," she said, pointing towards Josh. "I shall unlock your hidden potentials so you can finally use your Omega Frups,"
"Omega Frups?" Everyone but Josh and Randomverse screamed in awesome confusion.
"I'd better explain this one, Randomverse," Josh said. "Do you guys remember when Chris and XJames used their Frup for their final time, and it was a lot different and more powerful than before?"
"Now that you mention it...nah. I have no idea what you're talking about," Andrew replied.
"Well, just believe me when I say that their Frups were different the last time they used them. That's because they weren't Frups, but Omega Frups. Omega Frups are an extension off of regular Frups as in, they are somewhat similar to their counterpart, but are much, much more powerful. Chris' attack involved turning into a giant beast that was very powerful, and could devour multiple enemies and send them to a different dimension. He had the Omega Frightening Renegade Ultimate Power: Dimensional War Monster. And as you saw earlier, XJames' attack involved many ice cream sandwiches entering something, making it bigger and more powerful. He had the Omega Frightening Renegade Ultimate Power: Gluttonous Power Overload," Josh explained.
"Wow. That sounds so metal!" Race said.
"Yeah. How come they were able to use it, but not us? Especially me. I want to be able to do a super cool move," Mike said.
"You see Mike, Omega Frups can't just be done on the spot. Certain conditions must be met to use them. You have to be on your last legs, no hope left, on the verge of losing everything. Only then, will you be able to unleash such a powerful attack. It's kind of like a limit break, for those of you who play too many classic RPGs,"
"Hm. So Randomverse, you're going to let us use our Omega Frups whenever we want, then?" Amber asked the almighty universe.
"That is correct,"
"Well, wouldn't that just make us completely overpowered?" she asked.
"Good thing the author of this part isn't a total retard, because there are certain limitations that come with using your Omega Frups. While it is an amazing attack, once you use it, you may not use it again. In fact, you can't even use your regular Frups again until the fight is over and you've waited at least three hours," Randomverse explained.
"What's with this whole three hours nonsense? First that's a limitation for my second Frup, and now for our Omega Frups?" Andrew asked.
"Well, I just happen to like the number three. You got a problem with that?" she said.
"Well fuck you. Now, that's not the only limitation that comes with your Omega Frup. Also, once you use it, both your attack and defense are reduced to a third of what they were originally,"
"Jesus! A third?" Nick said.
"Correct, so use it wisely. Now it's time for the moment you've been waiting for. I shall now unlock within you guys the ability to use your Omega Frups at any time. OMEGA FRIGHTENING RENEGADE ULTIIMATE POWERS...REVEAL YOURSELVES!"
Everyone on the Scott the Second Brigade farted simultaneously, and their Omega Frups were unlocked. Yay!
"Okay, not let's jump into that wormhole!" Andrew commanded.
Hold on again," Randomverse said;"It's going to take a lot more than just going into the wormhole to get to the Author's dimension. You see, there are four barriers in the way, which will prevent you from entering. The only way you will get through them is if you have something massive to destroy them,"
"So, what are we supposed to use?" Amber asked, her logic trying to grasp at the concept.
"Here, I give you this," She extended her hand out to them, holding a planet between two fingers. The planet was none other than Solunearth.
"Wait, so we're supposed to use our planet to bust through four barriors?" Nick asked, "First off, how are we supposed to do that, and second, won't that kill a whole bunch of people?"
"Don't worry about the people. I ate them," Randomverse said. The Scott the Second Brigade was absolutely appalled by this act. "Oh come one. At the least, they were tasty. Besides, I didn't eat all of them. I put the important people, like Rainbella, It, those guys that were on your team temporarily, etc, on this planet, which I like to call, the Important Plot People Planet. And if you're really worried about repopulating your home planet after this is all through, that won't be a problem. All you have to do is just have lots and lots of unprotected sex. See, everyone wins!"
"However terrible that might be, could you answer my first question now?" Nick said.
"Ah yes. You see, your little Solunearth actually has a control station, which will allow you to move your planet into the wormhole. Would you like me to teleport you there?" she asked.
"Indubitably," Andrew responded. With a snap of Randomverse's fingers, The gang was teleported into a room with a whole bunch of controls and shit. When Josh looked Nathan looked out the window, he recognized where they were immediately.
"I would know this horrible place anywhere. This is Kalamazoo Central High School!" he cried.
"Well, we've come full circle for the third fucking time in this story," Andrew said, annoyed that his school seemed to be the most important element of the story, though it wasn't.
"I wish you luck on your journey young ones," Randomverse said. "If you can defeat the universe itself, then I know you have the willpower, guts, and awesomeness to take on the authors as well. Godspeed," He released Solunearth from his grasp, and with a flick of his fingers, they were sent flying toward the wormhole.
Everyone in the control room, except Andrew, was sent backward into the wall. "Into the wormhole!" Andrew cried, grasping onto the control panel, his cheeks flapping from the wind which came from the windows that had broken from Randomverse's awesome flick. He brought his finger down and pushed a button marked, "Turbo Rockets" and suddenly, giant rocket boosters burst out of the side of the planet and initiated, sending them into the wormhole even faster than Randomverse had flicked them.
Once through the wormhole, they raced toward the first barrier, made completely out of cheap conditioner bottles. The planet hit the barrier and burst out through the other side. The barrier had caused some damage, however, taking off the solar regions of the planet, leaving behind Lunearth once more. Andrew initiated secondary thrusters, making them go even faster towards the second barrier, made up of the dead baby carcasses of giraffes. The impact of the second barrier destroyed even more of the planet, leaving behind Earth, but they were able to make it through okay. Andrew thrust his fist down onto another button, initiating the third set of thrusters, making them even more faster. They pierced through the third barrier of chocolate coins, completely destroying Earth in the process, but leaving Kalamazoo Central High School intact. Andrew hit a button with his tongue labeled, "Fire all the thrusters!" and a bajillion thrusters burst out the back of the school and launched them at the fourth barrier, which was just a giant sign that said, "Like you could possibly break through this barrier". In fact, they could break through that barrier, because once they hit it, they broke through, destroying KCHS in the process, leaving the Scott the Second Brigade flying into the end of the wormhole.
"Well, this is it, guys," Andrew said amidst the chaos. "Let's show Ms. Sayre that no one messes with the Scott the Second Brigade, and especially not with Andrew Scott Walker Jr. II!"
He slept in his cabin, all nice and cozy. While so much chaos had happened in the last hour or so, he turned out alright. The planet he had been staying on was destroyed, but now he laid in a new planet, with red waters and light purple land. Yes, XJames was good. Though he couldn't move any part of his body, except his eyes and mouth, it wasn't such a bad life. He had learned to cope with his boredom, by imagining everything was in its underwear. The Waste Faerie, which he had thought was a little creepy at first, turned out to be great company.
From his sleep, he awoke to see his Half-Rainbow Half-Invisible sword walking toward his bed, into his cabin. "It's time to go," it said, in a creepy, almost demonic kind of voice.
"Where to?" XJames asked.
"To your destiny," it replied. Hopping onto the bed, the sword pierced itself through XJames' heart, leaving him in shock and devastation. After a few seconds, his body began dematerialized, and his particles flew into the sword. After the commotion was over, the sword fell to the bed and rested. In due time, XJames would discover that his role in this legacy was not over, but just beginning.