|I want to be a mother, too bad I can't
Author: Shady Shinigami PM
The dreams of raising my own children and being close to them. The plans I'd made as to were we'd live and how I'd raise them. All those years spent coming up with names for both girls and boys, just in case. All a waist.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Words: 1,878 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 06-23-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2926398
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
So its like, midnight and I'm sitting watching some Austrailian dude on t.v, running around in a desert, when I'm like..."Man, I want to write a short story." And since my four year old cousin is here I decided to add a child to the story. Thus, this story was born.
"Here go." Bailery said as he suddenly handed me a tiny superhero action figure. I looked at in confusion, not sure what I was supposed to do with it. I looked at Bailery for clearance, but my tiny three year old neighbor was already running back to his lawn, sitting back in the grass where he had been ten seconds ago, and going back to play with his leftover action figures.
I looked at the one in my hand again, a tiny man in a colorful costume and mask, a cloth cape hanging off of him. Did Bailery want me to play with him? If so, why had he run back to his yard? Had I given some unknown indication that I wanted to play, when all I had been doing was sitting on my porch sullenly?
I looked back up at Bailery, who was swinging one of his hero's in the air, making whooshing sounds to go with it. I repeated my back and forth looking until I decided to get up and go across to him. He saw me coming and stopped his actions, staring at me quietly and shyly until I got to him.
"Hi, Mii." he said, in a tone so sweet and cute that my seriously confused expression morphed into a warm smile. He had yet to call me by my name, Mia, choosing instead to just say Mii, holding out the i sound for a second or two. It made it sound like he was saying, "Hi, me." As if he was talking to himself.
"Hey Bailery." I greeted warmly, kneeling down to look him in the eyes. The wind gently blew his curly brown hair for a second before settling back down and falling back to frame his innocent face.
"Watcha doin?" I asked.
"I see...and why did you give me this one?"
He snuggled his hero's close to his chest and looked at the ground, just as shy as he had ever been, even though he'd lived next to me his whole life, no matter how short it may be.
"It's a pwesent." he said softly and my heart filled with warmth.
"Thank you. But why?"
"You look sad." he said simply, and I paused for a moment. Had I been that obvious? If a three year old could see it, did that mean everyone else could to? Like my parents? Like my friends?
My silence must have unnerved Bailery, because he closed his eyes and waited for me to speak again. When I finally noticed, I quickly said, "Thank you."
He smiled and nodded, then got a little more serious.
"Why you sad, Mii?"
I looked at him closely, debating on wether or not I might actually desire to tell this tiny boy. It's not like he would remember, or tell anyone else. And even if he did, I could just say I had been playing a game with him that he must have mistaken for real life at some point.
"I'm sad, because I want to be a mom."
He tilted his head in confusion. "You wannaw be a mommy?"
I nodded sadly, my eyes growing sad and my smile fading. Bailery must have noticed, because he touched my face softly, silently telling me my expression had changed. I looked up at him, and he prompted, "Why, sad to wannaw be a mommy?"
I looked up at the sky, and Bailery followed my eyes, but quickly looked back down when the sun blinded him.
"Because..." I started, pausing for a second before continuing. "I can't be."
"You can't be a mommy?" he repeated, sounding genuily confused. I didn't blame him. He didn't even know where babies came from, much less how you could mess up your body to make it impossible to conceive.
I shook my head.
I touched his stomach softly. "Something's wrong with my tummy."
"Oh." he said, then wrinkled his nose in confusion. "Babies come from my tummy?"
Oh great. The last thing I needed to be doing was explaining where babies came from to a three year old. Boy, no less. Its not like he'd ever be pregnant. I shook my head softly and said, "Babies come from girl tummies. Your a boy, so you can't have a baby.
"Oh." he said again, as if this made sense, then said, "I guess I can't be a mommy evier." He almost sounded a little sad and I felt bad, so I quickly said, "But you can be a daddy."
His spirit's brightened and he smiled. Then he asked, "Whas wong wif your tummy?"
I was quiet.
It had been a mistake. I'd lost my virginity at twelve with some boy I hardly knew, because he said it would be good. I guess it was stupid of me to believe him. I mean, its not that it didn't feel good when it was happening...but afterwards. That's when the good feeling went away and all you felt was dirty and disgusting and like a slut.
I was so ashamed that I never told anyone. Not my parents or closest friends, not any doctors or therapists I was forced to visit over the years for other reasons. I didn't tell even when a few weeks after it happened I started to show symptoms of an infection.
I thought it was a regular infection, and would pass soon. And it did. The symptoms stopped and it went away. For awhile. But a few months later it came back. I was too embarrased to tell my mom about it, so I just waited for this one to pass like the last.
And I did that for years, never thinking much of it until one day when I was in health class, and everything changed.
We had been learning about STI's, sexually transmitted infections. It had accured to me that maybe it had been a STI, but I had blown that off. I'd only had sex the one time, so how could that be it? Wearn't you only supposed to get STI's if you slept around alot, with a lot of different guys?
That's what I thought.
Until health that day.
My teacher handed us a packet informing us of the most common STI's. At the top, bolded in black: Chlamydia.
My eyes scanned the symptoms lazily, and I only became more alert as I kept reading.
Women with Chlamydia may experience vaginal discharge or abdominal pain. Infection of the urethra is often associated with chlamydial infection of the cervix. Women with infection of the urethra have the typical symptoms of a urinary tract infection, including pain upon urination and the frequent and urgent need to urinate.
Chlamydia is very destructive to the Fallopian tubes. It can also cause severe pelvic infection. If untreated, about 30% of women with chlamydia will develop pelvic inflammatory disease. Symptoms of pelvic infection include fever, pelvic cramping, abdominal pain, or pain with intercourse. Pelvic infection can lead to difficulty in becoming pregnant or even sterility.
That's what it said. I had all those symptom's. Vaginal discarge. I had abdominal pain, and sometimes it had been very serious. But I had passed it off as growing pains. Pain upon urination, and the frequent need to urinate. Yes and yes.
As I read it, I was filled with both horror and relief. Relief because I finally knew what was wrong with me, and maybe I could get it treated. Horror, because seconds later the last word hit me hard.
An absolute and permanent inability to produce offspring.
That's the moment my life had been ruined.
I did the research, I consulted medical websites. And soon it became clear to me. I even finally told my mom and let her take me to an actual doctor, one that could tell me for sure if I could or could not bere children.
All those dreams I'd had as I was growing up. The dreams of raising my own children and being close to them. The plans I'd made as to were we'd live and how I'd raise them. All those years spent coming up with names for both girls and boys, just in case. All a waist.
I want to be a mother.
Too bad I can't be.
Bailery was still waiting for my answer. I touched his cheek softly and carresed his cheek. Sweet, beautiful, innocent, and wise. Just the child I'd always dreamed I'd have.
"I hurt it." I said, trying to make it simple. I looked at the hero that was still in my hand and squeezed it softly. Bailery watched me do it, and put his tiny hand on top of mine and squeezed it just as softly. Then he suddenly dropped to his knees, so he was shorter them me again. I looked at him in suprise, with no clue as to what he was planning to do.
His tiny hand suddenly grabbed my shirt and he pushed it up, just alittle, to expose my lower tummy. I had the totally irrational thought that he was trying to seduce me, but I knew that wasn't what he was doing.
Suddenly he bent his head and softly planted a kiss on my stomach.
"There." he said, standing back up again. I looked at him in silence. I must have looked really confused, because four year old Bailery procedded to explain himself.
"I kissed it better. Tha's what momma always does to help me when I'm hurt."
I softly touched my stomach, and blinked as tears sprang to my eyes, making my vision hazy. I grabbed Bailery and pulled him to me, hugging him tightly, sobbing into his little shoulder.
"Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you."
Bailery did his best to wrap his arms around my back, and he asked, "Is it all better now?"
No, it wasn't. It wasn't as simple as that. But bless his heart, he had tried. And that's more then I had hoped for when I went over to him to ask why he had given me one of his hero's. So I lied.
"Yeah, it's all better now."
Hmmm...Kinda sad, if I do say so myself. Kinda sweet too. I'm actually pretty proud of this. And yes, I did do the research on the STI's I wasn't just pulling stuff out of thin air.
So thank you for reading and feel free to leave a review. If you do, I'll send Bailery to give you a kiss on the cheek. No, not on the stomach, because that kiss was special.