|We Meet Again!
Author: Thewise PM
Crack at its finest. This is the production of two writer's insanity intermingling. Read at your own risk. This is a story of hero's and villains, of maidens in distress. This is a story of face touching quality. Written by myself and Sleeplessblue. R&RRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,320 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 07-11-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2932061
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"We meet again, John Smith." The tall, good looking, clearly evil man said to his obvious adversary (what a long sentence. *clears throat* anyway…)
"Yes," John Smith said, in his tattered clothing, covered in battle wounds. "And it's for the last time. Where's that random hot girl with a traumatic past I'm here to save?"
"Are you sure you're here for the girl?" The evil good looking villain smirked. (Why is he here?)
"Oh, and to save the world too… I guess…" John shrugged. He cocked his gun. The sound rebounded off the walls of the villainous chamber.
"You're out of bullets," the good looking tall villain said, with an extra arched brow. He'd been practicing for months to pull off the effect.
"How do you know?" John Smith frowned.
"I listen to the sound of your bad aim," the tall good looking villain quipped.
"But… I haven't fired anything," John said, becoming confused.
"You will. Well, we both will shoot and miss each other because our bullets will hit midair. So we might as well cut to the chase and start hitting each other like civilized people," the tall good looking villain said.
John stared at the tall good looking villain a moment. "No, I think I'll just go ahead and shoot you." He snapped his arm sideways and aimed his revolver.
The villain sighed and pulled out his own gun. "You hero types are always so annoying. You never listen. I tell you to join me or else I'll kill everyone you love and you're always so shocked when it happens. I mean, I said repeatedly that if you didn't join me you'd die, and I'd, well, I guess steal your girlfriend."
"Ohyes… her…" John said, momentarily distracted.
"You don't even know her name do you?" The tall good looking villain said.
"Yeah, I do it's… Uh… Mary!"
The tall good looking villain laughed in his evil way. "No it's not. It's Judy. My God, you're terrible! Aren't you supposed to be madly in love with her?"
"Hey, I'm bad with names alright! I mean, I don't even know who you are! I keep thinking of you as 'The tall good looking villain,'" John said, a little offended.
"You think I'm good looking?" the tall good looking villain said with a quirk of a smile on his lips. (god, what a run on sentence.)
"No!" John said, flustered. "Look, I'm here to kill you, save the world and uh, yeah, get that random hot chick. So, will you please stop monologing! It's very distracting!"
"Alright, let's get this over with." The tall good looking villain sighed, taking aim. "Just so you know, I'm not going to be surprised when they all miss you."
"Shut up," John said, and pulled the trigger.
Unsurprisingly the tall good looking bad guy fired his gun at the same moment. The bullets struck midair. The pair continued to fire rounds at each other. The bullets smashing into one another, and those that did not, missed their intended target by inches.
Finally they came to a standstill, panting, each with their gun still raised.
"You're out," The tall good looking villain said again.
"So are you," Neo (cough) I mean John, yes, John… smirked.
The tall good looking villain rolled his eyes. "I know. God, do you listen to a thing I say?"
"Well, no. When you open your mouth I just hear 'I'm a bad guy. I'm a bad guy. I'm a mean tall good looking man. And I got's the girl.' That's pretty much it," John replied.
The tall good looking villain scoffed. "That… explains a lot."
John dropped his useless gun and threw himself at the tall good looking villain.
"Here we go," The villain muttered to himself. (cause that's what villains do best, mutter.) He then met John's attack with his own.
The pair wrestled violently. John got two good punches in, but the tall good looking villain knocked the hero's feet from under him and slammed his lovely alligator skinned boots into John's chest.
John grabbed the tall good looking villain's alligator skinned boot and twisted his ankle. (The villain I mean. Got his ankle twisted, by John.)
The tall, good looking, alligator skin-booted villain did not entirely lose his balance. He managed to keep on his feet, though he did let out a high pitched shriek. John mistook it for his random hot chick of a kidnapped girlfriend.
"Rachel!" John cried, looking about.
The tall, good looking, alligator skin-booted villain-man shot John an annoyed look. He was too prideful to admit that it was he that let out such a girlish shriek. While the hero was momentarily distracted by his girlfriend's false shriek, the tall good looking alligator skin-booted villain grabbed John by the scruff of his shirt and began to pound on his not as good looking face.
"My name is Fred! CAN'T YOU REMEMBER THAT! IT'S FOUR LETTERS!" the previously referred to as 'the tall good looking alligator skin booted villain,' said. Fred did not stop hitting him until John was properly dazed.
At that moment, Judy, (John's random hot chick with a traumatic past) came stumbling into the villainous chamber.
"John! No!" she screamed and promptly was grabbed by a passing henchman.
"Excellent, hold her while I finish him," Fred said. He returned his attention to John. "You're pathetic. I mean, she even knows your name and you've only known each other for about five hours." He slapped John across the cheek just for the sake of it.
"My woman," John moaned.
Fred rolled his eyes. He snapped his fingers and ten awaiting henchmen marched into the villainous chamber. "Tie him up." He rose. "The hour of face-touching has arrived."
John's eyes widened. Two henchmen grabbed him and lifted his properly limp form, while two other henchmen ceremoniously brought a chair to the center of the villainous chamber. The other two henchmen, who shall remain unnamed, carried John over to the chair and threw him down into it.
Fred brushed off his not-so epic, all-black suit, while seven other nameless henchmen brought unreasonably thick rope, ceremoniously placed on a red velvet pillow. They proceeded to bind John to the chair even further.
"John, no, stop that, get away from him!" Judy screamed, hysterically, futilely tossing her head from side to side for the effect of her beautiful red hair flying every which way and sticking to her heavily glossed lips. She paused from her screaming to spit it out. "John, oh, John, pfft… John, no! Nooo!"
The random henchman who had her firmly in his overly muscular grasp rolled his eyes and took her to a chair that other random henchmen had placed back to back with her boyfriend's. Other random henchwomen entered the room carrying another unreasonably thick rope, this time on a silver platter, with lit candlesticks on either side.
Fred smiled evilly as they entered and held up a hand. The henchwomen halted. "Wait one moment," he said as he approached them, "I would like to savor this moment." He caressed the platter's edge and idly leaned down to blow out the candles. "Now you may proceed with the face-touching ceremony."
John, slightly less dazed now, questioned, "Um, what?"
Judy screamed, just because there was too long of a pause. The henchwomen proceeded to bind the thick rope around her and John both. Fred stood back, strumming his fingers together, with an expectantly evil smirk on his lips. When the henchwomen had stepped back, he chuckled evilly and said, "Leave us." He continued to strum his fingers together because he'd forgotten he was doing it in his anticipation. The henchmen and women glanced at each other knowingly and quickly vacated the villainous chamber.
"Now," Fred declared, and paced around the couple, still strumming his fingers together. John dazedly turned his head, attempting to keep up with the movement, while Judy whimpered softly to herself and began professing her undying love to John.
"John, y-you know, I've loved you since the first day I met you—"
"Oh, shut up," Fred snapped, "You've only known him for, what? Five hours? I on the other hand… Let's just say, I've been plotting this moment for a long, long time. All that planning, all those evil web conferences, all that training in the jungles of lost cities, gaining super powers by defeating my rivals, and then losing my powers when I was killed by my rivals and had to return from the dead—ahem, well, let's just say, this face-touching ceremony is the culmination of all my efforts and plans." He turned his head to the side, hastily wiping the tears from his cheeks.
"Wait a minute," John said, slowly, as you can imagine, he was having trouble keeping up. "There are evil web conferences?"
"Yes," Fred said rather annoyed. It had been an emotional moment for him. "But, that's not the point! I've worked hard, and now I get what I want!" Losing control for a moment Fred ran over to John. With a trembling hand, he lightly touched John's cheek.
John flinched away. "Wh-What are you doing?"
"That's enough," Fred said, half-whispering to himself. He held his hand to his chest, as if protecting some treasure.
"John! No!" Judy said, and feeling insecure tossed her head from side to side, hair whipping John in the face. Hyperventilating, she had to make herself stop. She was becoming dizzy from so much head tossing.
"Alright," Fred said, taking a step towards John. He lifted a hand, hesitantly stroked it across John's cheek.
John met Fred's eyes, confused and a little disgusted.
"No, no! Too much," Fred said, licking his lips nervously. He reached his hand forward once more, but before it made contact with John's skin, he snatched it back. "I can't." He circled around to Judy, fists curled beneath his chin. In a swift movement, he poked Judy in the nose. His finger lingered for a moment. His eyes widened, as if frightened by his daring.
"No more," Fred exclaimed, turning his back on the couple. He started to the double doors that led out of the villainous chamber. He made it halfway before coming to a halt. He slowly turned, glancing in both directions. Abruptly he let out a yell and ran back to Judy and John. His alligator-skin boots' clacks echoed loudly through the chamber. When he reached the couple, he clasped each of their faces in one hand. Both Judy and John peered at Fred through the villain's evil fingers.
"I am so confused." As he spoke, John's voice was muffled by Fred's palm.
"Don't speak," Fred said. "I know what you're thinking. I've gained another superpower by the face-touching ceremony. Soon—" he said, and began pawing each of their faces, rubbing them as if trying to smooth the fine lines and wrinkles out of their skin. "—I shall have powers beyond imagining!"
"Aagh!" Judy screamed, in a continuous stream.
"Huh?" John said.
Suddenly, a gigantic aura of fire appeared around Fred's head. His hair caught on fire. He screamed, clutching his own face. He pawed at it. "The power! It is beyooond me!"
"Um," John said, over Judy's continuous scream. "I think we should get out of here."
"Oh, right," Judy said, "Um, I guess, I'll just give this a little tug… oh, I don't think they even tied this extra thick rope. I wonder where Fred hired these random henchmen—"
"Oh, my God," John said, suddenly throwing the rope aside and standing. "I must have gained a superpower from the face-touching ceremony, somehow!"
Judy stood, hand on her hip. She glanced at both men, one flexing his non-existent muscles, and the other running around the villainous chamber on fire, screaming his head off. She rolled her eyes. "John! Save me!" she screamed, appropriately. It seemed the only time he listened to a word she said.
He snapped out of it and quickly turned to her, eyes full of pride and love. "Don't worry, Steph—Mar—Rach—Judy!" He clasped her in his only adequately strong arms. "I'll get us both out of here, if it's the last thing I do!"
"It will be if we don't get out of here," Judy muttered, noticing that the fire was beginning to extend outward from the screaming, running tall, good-looking alligator skin-booted villain. Pretty soon, it would engulf the whole chamber.
"Hm?" John asked, absently, too involved in flexing the muscles of one arm, while he held Judy with his other. "What was that?"
Judy rolled her eyes again. "I mean, 'Aaggh! Help, John, sweety! Get us out of here, quick!"
He snapped out of it and grabbed her around the waist, lifted her into his arms and dashed out of the chamber.
As soon as his feet left the threshold, the whole chamber exploded, throwing John and Judy into the air. They flew several feet overhead before landing on a grassy slope, and tumbled down to the beach below, completely unharmed.
"Judy," John said, crawling over to her, for some reason, now unconscious form. He gripped her by the neck and lifted her head. "Noooo!" He sobbed. Helplessly he kissed her lips.
Judy's eye's snapped open. "John, oh, John!" She threw her arms around his neck, and they shared another kiss, smoke and fire billowing overhead.