|Help From On High
Author: TigerLily98 PM
Having troubles talking to the one woman who causes his heart to burn as eternal flame, Felix petitions the Gods for their help. Hilarity ensues until he finds being himself is the best answer.Rated: Fiction T - English - Fantasy/Humor - Words: 3,450 - Published: 08-01-11 - id: 2938872
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Help From On High
Synopsis: Felix Vanderbuilt is a genius at many different things, especially math. He is a meterologist, astronomer and robotics engineer. However, he has no skill in contacting or dealing with the fairer sex. Looking through his old musty books, he finds a spell to contact Eros. Begging Eros for help, Felix becomes a self proclaimed love god but only wanys the love one one special woman—a physicist named Rhonda Strauss.
~*~ CAST ~*~
Donald Dupree: (Felix's best friend)
Daniel "Dan" Dupree: (Don's twin brother)
Angus "Gus" Fairchild:
Aksel Vanderbuilt: (Felix's dad)
Helga Vanderbuilt: (Felix's mom)
Kenneth Strauss: (Rhonda's dad, aka 'Kenny')
Shirley Strauss: (Rhonda's mom)
Stacy Gabor: (eldest of the 'Triple Treat')
Tracy Gabor: (middle triplet)
Gracie Gabor: (youngest triplet)
Otis: I can't believe the turnout, Don. If it's anyone who can throw a backyard stargazing soiree, it's Felix !
Felix: (humbly and bashfully) Oh, come on. You just come so you can have a little night out with the guys, and maybe if you're lucky, find a comet or meteor that hasn't been named yet, hoping you can tag it and go down in posterity.
Gus: He does have a point there, Otis. (laughs) There's also something primal about being out here in the wilderness, close to open flames.
Otis: Amen, Gus ! Testify ! (the both of them laugh as they savor Felix's savory cooking)
Don: (feasting on Felix's steaks, kababs, brats and dogs) Is there anything you can't grill, Felix ?
Felix: (laughs) I have yet to grill this lemon basil tilapia. (sets it on the grill)
Dan: (being drawn to the aroma of the fish beginning to cook on the grill) Mmmm...Something smells positively divine.
Don: It's Felix's cooking. What I don't understand is why a man like you with your impressive culinary skill can't seem to snag a wife.
Felix: (Sighing as he listens to Holts The Planet Suite playing in the background)
You know I only have one woman in mind.
(Music from the 'Venus' suite swells as Rhonda turns around, in slow motion)
Felix: (dreamily) Rhonda Strauss. (sighing, completely smitten) Ever since high school and into college, I did my best to converse with her but all I could ever manage were paroxysms of hysteria. (shaking head left to right) She probably thinks I'm insane.
Gus: Try asking her for her number, or her email. That's innocuous enough. Come on, Felix...You know we're behind you.
(The music of the Venus suite begins playing as he walks up Rhonda and completely makes a fool of himself, laughing)
(Dan and Daniel bury their faces into their palm at the same time)
Otis: (groaning) Man, I can't believe you choked ! Again !
Gus: (elbow to Otis' solar plexus)
Otis: OW ! Hey ! That was uncalled for, Gus. I'm tryin' to help a brother out, know what I'm sayin' ?
Felix: Let's just face it. (sings) She's so high, high above me, she's so lovely.
Every ballad that's ever been written, every dedication of love in the history, none of them even begin to describe how stellar she truly is. Even if I wrote a zillion poems for her or bake the most delectable chocolate cake in the universe, it wouldn't even begin to encompass my love for her.
(By this time, Rhonda has already left and it is becoming rather late.)
Gus: There's always next year's gathering.
Otis: Hey, don't be depressed, Felix. Your cookouts are always extraordinary.
Dan: (looking at his watch) But it's time for all good husbands to be heading home.
David: (noticing the time himself) Great Galileo ! (exhales in exhasperation)
Sorry to be a wet blanket, Felix, but it's time Dan and I got moving.
Otis: Same here...See you soon, Felix.
Gus: (waving as he walks away)
Felix: (looking up at the stars) If there were a way to gain the confidence I needed to make Rhonda notice me...(the moon is shown behind him, illuminating his silloette)
(Uranus, the magician begins playing in the background, scene shift)
Scene 2—Petitioning Eros
(Rummaging through his library, Felix discovers a huge, dusty tome. The writing on the cover of the illustrious book reads Spells and Incantations.)
Felix: Perhaps if I petition the gods of the heavens, they'll hear my plea.
(searching for incantations to reach the gods) Aha, petitioning gods !
(As he begins to set up the scene, everything is done according to the instructions.)
Felix: Chalk drawn pentagram. Check ! Blood offering to god or goddess of choice. (pricks finger with needle) Ow ! (drops a bead of blood into the middle of the circle and sucks on his finger momentarily) Check. And at last, the petition itself. (chants in Latin) Eros, hear my plea. Allow me to request your divinity. The old mold shed as worn away skin. Kindle in me, a burning flame.
No longer will it be I, but you shall remain !
(The main 'theme' of Uranus here has swelled and died away by this time, and nothing has occurred.)
Felix: (laughs) To think a man of science such as I would believe a book of incantations would solve my problems.
(The music reaches a critical point as all the candles are snuffed out at once.
A rowdy wind surrounds Felix taking the form of stardust, encapsulating him.
Suddenly, he is catapulted into the heavens and into the cosmos. Screaming all the way, he suddenly lands in Olympus, where Eros greets him.)
Eros: You petitioned me, mortal ?
Felix: (bewildered, flummoxed and speechless for a moment)
Eros: (light hearted laugh) Don't worry. I'm used to this sort of reaction.
Happens all the time. So let me get this straight. You want to wield my abilities for a while, is that it ?
Felix: Yes. Indubitably. You see, there is a lady...the pinnacle of the female species itself...
Eros: Sounds like Aphrodite's work, and a good match indeed.
You just need some confidence in you, boy. (pokes him in the stomach and he giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy) With a little bit of molding, you'll have to fight the ladies just to keep them away !
Felix: Wait, no...I only have one woman in mind !
Eros: (endows him with power and a new wardrobe)
('I'm Too Sexy begins playing in the background and the 'new improved' Felix emerges from plumes of red, purple, and pink smoke.)
Eros: My best work if I do so say myself. Aphrodite, my dear, could you be so kind to fetch me a mirror ?
Aphrodite: (waves her hands and a mirror appears) There you have it, Eros.
Eros: (kisses her cheek) What would I do without you, my sweet ?
Aphrodite: (beams and titters gaily)
Felix: (seeing himself for the first time) Unreal. Is this really...me ?
Felix: (hugging him unexpectedly) Thank you ! I appreciate this more than you'll ever know.
Eros: I think I understand your gratefullness. You're welcome. Now go down there and dazzle 'em, kid.
Felix: (agreeing) I'll give it my utmost.
Aprhodite: (snaps and a portal appears)
Felix: Convienient. Thanks, Love.
Aphrodite: (winks playfully at him)
Felix: (disappears through the portal and reappears at home) Even my home seems different. Far less geeky and much more chic-y. I could get used to this.
For now...I need to sleep. (yawns and falls into bed, falling asleep quickly)
Scene 3—Girls, Girls, Girls
(Felix wakes up, eats breakfast and starts to get ready for work. He notices his female companions beginning to swarm around him. There is a set of triplets who have taken a special interest in him, and follow him just about everywhere he goes.)
(Girls, Girls, Girls plays in the background)
Stacy: Hello, Felix. My, you're looking awfully sexy...ahem, I mean, stylish today.
Felix: (trying to be dashing and debonaire as well as funny) It's my new look.
(lowers sunglasses) Like it ?
Tracy: We all do. Stacy and Gracie were wondering if we could triple date you.
You know (purring) share you for the evening ? That is, unless some other lucky woman has you to herself.
Felix: (gulp) No, but...
Gracie: Wonderful ! We'll pick you up at say, 6:00 pm ?
Felix: Of course ! Why not !
Tracy: (getting dangerously close to him) We're looking forward to it.
We're shivering in antici...
Felix: (nearly melts as she finishes the word)
Felix: (wobbly kneed) I'll see you three later.
Tracy: Oh, you're in for a treat. The Gabors guarentee that.
Stacy: Tracy, come on. Let's get back to work before the boss catches us.
(The ladies head back to work. Cut scene to a club scene playing 'Come On And Get Your Love' and the women can't seem to keep their hands off him.)
Felix: (to himself) This is not what I asked for. I only wanted Rhonda...
How do I get myself out of this without making myself look like a jerk ?
Gracie: What's the matter, Felix ? You don't look well.
Felix: Let's go outside where it's less crowded...
(They all follow him, still hanging off him, dreamily. They lie on the grass with him and Stacy straddles him, while the other girls vouch for position.)
Tracy: One at a time ! We can share him !
Gracie: How about age before beauty ?
Stacy: (angrily) Tell me you did not just go there !
Tracy: She did.
Stacy: (stroking Felix's face lovingly, kissing him)
Tracy: He's MINE, Stacy ! Get your man-stealin' meathooks offa him !
(The girls begin to tussle and Felix makes a break for it and finds a place where he can be alone)
Felix: I did not petition Eros for this kind of ability. This is wrong...all of it.
Hermes: (appearing out of thin air) Sometimes this is what happens when he endows a little bit of his ability to a mortal. It's too much for other mortals to handle and they get out of hand. Some say this is how all of your wars began.
Felix: (lowering head) I can believe it. Now I feel like a complete ass because I asked for this power out of selfishness.
Hermes: (rolling eyes) Pssht. Please. There have been plenty fools who have done the same in the name of love. And you are by no means an ass. You made an honest mistake. This ability isn't long lasting though.
Felix: (smiling) I was blind to see it before. I have the ability within me.
If I want to impress her, I must be myself.
Hermes: There you go. You just needed a little jumpstart is all.
I'll let the head honcho know it's going just as planned.
Felix: Exceptional. (pauses) Wait a minute. You mean...
Hermes: Zeus. Oh, he sees everything. If you don't think he doesn't keep everything in balance, you're kookier than a headless cockroach.
Felix: Thanks for assisting me. I'd better get going. Rhonda will be at the observatory at about this hour...I can still catch her !
Hermes: Just doing my job, Felix. Now go get her ! (disappears)
(Felix rushes to the car, and begins to drive to the Observatory with 'Is This Love That I'm Feeling ?' playing over his car radio. Scene transition.)
Scene 4—Confession at the Observatory
(Rhonda is watching 'A Glorious Dawn' inside on the massive wrap-around screen, thrilling to the music, seeming to be lost in rapture.)
Felix: I knew I would find you here. (sighs) This music is phenomenal. I never knew you were a fan of Melody Sheep too.
Rhonda: Believe it or not, I just happened upon it while searching Youtube.
(notices his new appearance) You look...different. I like the new look. It suits you.
Felix: (bashfully) Thanks. I wanted to talk to you, though. The last time I saw you I couldn't even get two words out of my mouth.
Rhonda: (trying not to laugh) I noticed. So, why the sudden change ?
Felix: (swallows hard) I've admired you for the longest time, but I never knew how to express myself properly. I'd always burst out into paroxysms of laughter, despite myself.
Rhonda: I knew you had feelings for me. (takes his hands into hers gently)
I've also had affection for you myself. I just never knew how to tell you.
I felt if I blurted it out, I would be seen as too forward, or even brazen.
Felix: You could never be such. You are the incarnation of ladyhood.
Rhonda: Come to think of it, I am feeling a little peckish. How about yourself ?
Felix: But what restraunts are open at this hour ?
Rhonda: (radiantly, with ebullience) I'll make dinner.
Felix: That's so curteous of you. I won't be imposing, will I ?
Rhonda: (laughs heartily) No ! Goodness, you'd never be a burden on me.
It's not often I have company at my home.
(As they travel, soft bossa nova music , 'Let's Never Stop Falling In Love' plays on the radio and the scene quickly transitions to Rhonda making dinner for him, them laughing and chatting together and enjoying a dance before they share their first kiss.)
Felix: (takes his pulse) For a moment, I thought I had died and gone to paradise.
Rhonda: I think time must've stopped momentarily. (smiles)
(leans forward to kiss him again)
Felix: (savoring the kiss) Great galaxies...It's late ! If I don't depart soon, I'll never have enough energy for work tomorrow.
Rhonda: There's always tomorrow, isn't there.
Felix: (winking) And the day after that, and the day after that.
Rhonda: Something to look forward to then. (kisses him again)
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Felix: Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow !
Rhonda: Dramatic, poetic, intelligent and a pretty snazzy dancer.
Felix: (shyly) It's love that moves me, m'chere. (kisses her hand)
I'd best go. I have readings to make. The local newsstation is counting on me.
Rhonda: Ciao, amore mio. Arrivaderchi !
Felix: Ciao, bella.
Scene 5—Unexpected Visit From The Parents
(on the screen, 'September' appears, and the friends are enjoying another cookout before school starts again. 'The Big Beginning' composed by Melody Sheep plays in the background.)
Don: As expected, another fantabulous cookout.
Dan: And the stars are glorious. I bet we could see most of the planets with our naked eyes with this kind of clarity.
Felix: Not Uranus though.
Dan: Felix, you're a perv.
(The twins laugh at Felix's wit.)
Axskel: If there's anywhere Felix would be, my liepshein, it would be here.
Helga: Perhaps we can pry some answers from him as to why he hasn't been emailing or calling us.
Axskel: (a bit loudly) Felix !
Felix: (turning around, and awkardly) Oh, hi, dad ! Didn't expect to see you here.
Helga: Axskel and myself were so concerned about you...
(hugs him close to her breasts and he can hardly breathe)
Felix: Mom, mom...MOM ! Easy on the ribs, alright ?
Helga: Sorry, my dear. Mom simply missed you is all. (faye laugh)
Axskel: He's going to be needing more than hugs by the time I'm through with him.
Helga: Axskel, be civil. The boy's just been busy is all. Let him explain himself.
Axskel: Helga, for Pete's sake...I'm not going to act like a jackass, you know that. I only do that if I have one too many beers...
Felix: I wanted to tell you, but I hadn't had the time.
Rhonda: (walking up with punch) I got punch for both of us, my supernova.
Hey, aren't they your mom and dad ?
Felix: (a bit subdued) Yep. You'd be right on the money, m' constellation.
Rhonda: I hope you're not upset, because I decided to allow my folks to tag along, too.
Felix: (tries not to lose heart, takes her aside to whisper to her) I was hoping we could have a more private setting in which I could meet your parents. (sighs)
Yet, I suppose now is as good a time as any.
Kenneth: Hey, there, Felix ! We've heard so much about you !
(They come up and hug him unexpectedly, Felix feels his back crack)
Shirley: Kenny, be easy on the young fellow. You don't want to break his back !
You only just met, after all.
Kenneth: (laughs) Sorry, Shirley. I was simply excited to meet him. He's everything Rhonda said he was. I trust you're treating my little girl well.
Because if you haven't, (darkly) I have my methods of dealing with you.
Shirley: (shrilly) Kenny ! Really ! You're frightening him.
Kenny: I'm just saying, Shirley. No one hurts my sweetheart. (looks him directly in the eye, almost intimidatingly) No one.
Felix: (nervous laughter) Point well taken. These are my folks, Axskel and Helga.
(The parents start chattering away to each other and Rhonda and Felix sneak away.)
Felix: My God ! I could barely breathe in there...Felt like I was dying.
Rhonda: I'm sorry. I never meant for them to come along with me.
They were simply curious. (caressing his back) All is well...
Felix: (inhales and exhales) I know it is, starlight. I just wasn't expecting so much...so soon.
Rhonda: It looks like they're getting along swimmingly. Don't get so stressed out.
Felix: Forgive me, dear. (inhales and exhales deeply) I feel much more serene now. (takes a drink of punch) Ah, much better.
Rhonda: See ? What did I tell you ? Everything sorts itself out.
(Both sets of parents come over, still laughing.)
Ken: So, Felix...when are you thinking of marrying Rhonda ?
Felix: (spits out punch at full force, drenching Ken's face)
Shirley: (does her best to hold back hysterical laughter) I'm sorry, really.
But you look positively hilarious like that.
Ken: Ha, ha. Very rich. Ho, ho. How droll.
Felix: (gaining back his breath) That question, Sir...caught me off guard.
Rhonda: (pats his back and then pats her heart) In a year. We've only been dating for a couple months, now. Don't pressure Felix too much, now.
Felix: I do love your daughter an awful lot though, Sir.
Ken: (belly laugh) Sir ? What am I, your old man ? Call me Ken, or Kenny !
Felix: Sure, Ken.
Ken: One day, you'll be calling me father-in-law...son ! (patting Felix's back)
Felix: (Aside) I can tell this is going to be...interesting to say the least.
Scene 6—Who Would've Thought ?
('A Year Passes' appears on the screen. We see a shot from Mt. Olympus, and Eros is looking down on his progress.)
Eros: Finally ! It took him long enough to get her to say 'yes' !
Aphrodite: Don't forget, I helped in the process.
Eros: Of course, dear sister. I would never be remiss in acknowleding you.
Hermes: He's done it at last. I'd love to pat my back and say it was my doing only but we can all give ourselves a round of applause for work well done.
Psyche: Here, here !
Dionysus: (magically makes a wine glass appear with a bottle of wine, beginning to pour it with his thoughts) I'll drink to that !
(The whole panthenon of Gods start throwing a party...down on earth, the wedding has come to an end and the reception begins. "We're All Connected" by Melody Sheep begins playing in the background.)
Otis: Who would've thought that our Felix would be marrying the positively dazzling Rhonda Strauss ?
Dan: I wouldn't have predicted it.
Don: My calculations would've come to the conclusion that his chances were slim.
Gus: We were all terribly wrong. (they all laugh heartily) I'm glad he's found happiness. He deserves it.
(The newlywed couple dances to 'And We Danced', until Felix's dad cuts in during "You Are So Beautiful' and Felix is caught up by Rhonda's mother at the same time. There is a shot of the couple coming together for another fast-paced dance to 'Eternal Flame' and up through the roof, into the clouds and the gods and godesses are enjoying the festivities as well as they party all night long. Roll credits.)