Author: TigerLily98 PM
Take Johnny English and Austin Powers and add a dash of Ernest P. Worril. This is the result.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Words: 4,331 - Published: 08-04-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2939966
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: A rather buff, handsome ladies' man is hired by the CIA, but apparently all that he is adept at is wooing women.
~*~ CAST ~*~
Bradley 'Buck' Monroe: (Ace's dad)
Fawn Monroe: (Ace's mom)
Diamond Monroe: (Ace's elder sister, a twin, 'White Enchantress' in training)
Jessica Monroe: (Diamond's twin sister)
Agent Ace Monroe: (aka 'Moron')
Agent Yaniv Rosenbomb: (aka 'Techie')
Commander Liza Lightner: (aka 'Lightning')
Brigadeer General Eliot Lightner: (Liza's 'pops')
General Natalie Belle Lightner: (aka 'Ma Belle')
Agent Raven Blackfeather: (aka 'Crow')
Agent Juliette Carmella: (aka 'Caramel')
Agent Trey Lucas Camino: (aka 'Rush')
Agent Pamela Lafern: (aka 'Ivy')
Achmed Ammon Heshmet: ('The Dark Warlock')
Jasmine Heshmet: (Achmed's ailing mother)
Dr. Gabriel 'Gabe' Caedmon:
Dr. Elsa Rose Bruin:
Dr. Phineas 'Finn' McCloud:
Dr. Nene Hideki:
The President of the United States:
Scene 1—Secret Agent Man
('Butterfly' sung by Aqua is playing over Ace's ipod, but we can't really tell he has an Ipod in training until there is a close-up shot of his face and the earphones can be seen. He is deep in 'training mode', hitting all stunt dummies that come his way and shooting all targets through the center.)
Ace: (narrating) I came from Middle of Nowhere's-ville somewhere in the midwest. Oh, yes, I guess you can say I remembered my parents. Dad, or Buck as he was called, worked hard for the IRS while mom was a certified public accountant. It was no doubt that the children of the Monroe family were bound to grow up to be extraordinary. My sisters were no acception. There was Jessica, who grew up to be a doctor. She's in Africa somewhere, I think. Then Diamond.
I don't know whatever became of Diamond. Then there's me. I guess you could say I'm a bit...different than the rest. The doctors always said, after being dropped quite a few times, accidentally, supposedly, that I would be 'unusual'.
That doesn't explain the current situation I am. Just how the hell did I get here again ?
Eliot: (bombastically) Monroe ! You had it. Every single target, you hit dead on ! Where did your focus go ?
Ace: Brigadeer Lightner (walks up to a wall and practically collapses against it), I ...don't really know where my focus went. I was reminiscing about my parents and my eldest sister Diamond...
Lightner: Forget about her for now. We have a massive problem on our hands.
But we can't discuss it here in the open. There might be others...
Ace: Of course sir. Read you loud and clear as silver bells. (follows him into a building which seems to appear out of thin air and enter a door that 'dissolves')
Lightner: 'Evening all.
(Everyone's standing at attention)
Ace: Hey, Lightning. Looking dazzling and incandescent as ever I see.
Liza: (embarassed) Cut it out, Ace ! We're about to have a meeting.
This isn't the time or place for flirting.
Ace: (standing next to her) Anytime's a good time for hitting on a gorgeous girl.
And you know what time it is now, Liza ?
Ace: (looks at his watch) Time for a new watch because every second I spend with you, time stops.
Crow: (nudging Yaniv) Hey, Techie. Taking notes ? This guy over here is a master at seducing the opposite sex. He may not be much for brains, but the girls seem to go gaga over his silver tongue.
Yaniv: (tries to stifle a laugh) He doesn't seem to have much luck with the Brigadeer General's daughter though.
(General Natalie appears on screen and everyone stands at attention, except for Monroe who is jabbed, hard in the stomach by Liza)
Ace: (offended and hurt, catching breath) Hey ! Not so hard in the breadbasket, Lightning !
General: You probably wonder why I have called all of you here. Intelligence has directed me to a new, unusual threat. Usually with unique cases like this one, we send special ops or our task force.
(Surveilance of Achmed is shown in his early years developing herbal cures for his mother with no luck, and later, coming upon an artifact, shaped like a conch shell, which he is using his own necromancy with to 'borrow' energy from people.)
Ace: It's like he's Ursula the sea witch...only...Dude's a dude, land dwelling and well, Egyptian.
Brigadeer: (sneers at him)
Liza: (lowers head into hand, sighing in exhasperation)
General: We have a foil against him.
(Walking into the room, White Enchantress makes her entrace to 'You Can Do Magic')
Ace: (shifts attention from Liza to the Enchantress) She not only steals the spotlight, but I believe she's stolen the very breath fromy my lungs !
Liza: Monroe, quit it ! (steps on his foot, making him wince)
General: This is White Enchantress. She will be our main asset in defeating The Dark Warlock, aka Achmed Ammon Heshmet.
Ace: (to Crow on his left) Or 'AAH !' for short. Heh. Great initials. Fantastic for instilling fear in the heart of us muggles.
Crow: (rolls eyes) You're such a nerd, Monroe.
White Enchantress: I'm honored to be working with such an impressive group.
We will all be working undercover in our next endeavor. (directing attention back to the General) Ma Belle, if you would.
General: (nodding in approval) Gladly, Enchantress. (clears throat) The Dark Warlock has tried everything to heal his mother's rare illness, save of selling his soul to save his mother's life. He may look unassuming, but the Warlock is highly dangerous. You will all be briefed by Brigadeer Lightner of the mission to take place. I have the utmost confidence you will perform your duties as mentioned in the briefing. Dismissed.
(All salute) (General disappears from view)
Lightner: These are your files, crew. Study your information (pointedly) very carefully. As the lovely Ma Belle informed us, this is not a warlock to be taken lightly. He hasn't killed anyone yet. We don't want anyone in our team to die on this mission. (to Ace) Moron, that goes double for you !
Ace: (looking annoyed, pouting and hurt by Lightner's insult, but keeps his mouth shut)
Lightner: Mazel tov, everyone. (loudly) Dismissed !
(Ace, looking at his report, is elated that he is paired with Enchantress. There is a sly smile on his face.)
Yaniv: What's he's so happy about ? I'm stuck with your ugly mug again.
Crow: None taken. Looks like everyone got the partners they wished for. Honestly, I pray to the Great Spirit that whoever's paired up with Monroe lives to see another day.
Yaniv: (trying not to laugh) We really don't get paid enough for this crap, do we.
Crow: (honestly) Nope. Not for the lengths we go to just for global security.
Yaniv: (places his hand around his back, watching Ace spin around joyously in his chair, going 'yes, yes, yes, yes, yes ! Thank you God, praise JESUS, hallelujah !' avidly) There will be a day, my sage friend, when you look back on this day and laugh your ass off. You'll think to yourself, 'damn, what a hell of a ride !'
Crow: (chortles) When you put it that way the minimum pay doesn't sound bad.
We're burning daylight talking about 'Operation: Achmed' though. We need to start learning our roles and training.
Yaniv: (nod) Right. I'll start working on my New York accent.
(As the scene comes to a close, we watch the agents train and assume their roles to some rousing music from 'The World is Not Enough')
Scene 2—Going In Deep
(Ace and 'Enchantress' are invited to an affluent shindig. All agents play their parts fantastically well.)
Ace: (noticing that Achmed is getting punch and some hours duerves. Some of the people he has touched begin to look a little sleepy and fall asleep at their tables, their dates or significant others storming out on them in anger.)
(over his watch communicator) Target spotted, Enchantress. Show me what you've got.
Enchantress: (a little snarkily) In your dreams, Monroe. (accidentally bumping into Dark Warlock) (gasping in horror) My dress !
Achmed: I'm terribly sorry, miss. Let me help you clean that up.
Enchantress: It's ruined. My dad will have my hide.
Achmed: I think I may have something that'll fit you. Come, follow me.
Enchantress: But, I don't even know you, sir. How can I trust you ?
Achmed: (gently) I'm a lamb, miss. If you must know, my name is Achmed.
How about you, since we're getting to know each other ? (smiling brilliantly)
Ace: (taking notes) Oh, this guy is goooood.
Enchantress: I'm Vivian, or Viv for short.
Achmed: (taking her hand and kissing it) A lovely name for an even more smashing woman.
Ace: (to himself) Thus far the Warlock is a gentleman. But if he lays a finger on her, I'll break every known bone in his body.
Achmed: (to 'Viv') Feel free to search the closet. These dresses are mothers, but I don't think she'll mind you taking one of them. (goes into his mother's room to heal his mother, Viv changes and Ace catches a peep of her, then gets distracted by Liza in another direction)
Enchantress: (sneaking into Jasmine's room) I'm sorry, the door was open.
Achmed: No, no. Come right ahead. I feel I can trust you. We magicians, we have a sense of these things. And you my dear, are no normal woman.
In fact, you, like myself, possess the gift.
Jasmine: (waking up) Oh, son ! It's good to see you again.
Achmed: And you too mama. I am sorry I wasn't able to get enough energy for you today, but I did what I could.
Jasmine: That's all that matters. Maybe what you're doing for me will be the cure I need. I'm just sorry it takes so much out of you.
Achmed: Such is the law of equivalent exchange, mama.
Enchantress: Do you think I could help ? Since you have already figured out my secret.
Achmed: (taking her hand again) I have no doubt that you could. I have tried everything else. Maybe your magic will free me of my own curse.
I have faith that your incantations may be the magic bullet she needs.
Enchantress: (nodding) Very well then. (spreading hands and beginning an incantation, the theme from Natsu No Arashi's 'Yayoi and Kanako' plays in the background until the chanting subsides and Jasmine gasps, becoming filled with light. Once the spell ends, she sits up completely in bed and takes some deep breaths.)
Jasmine: I'm not coughing anymore...I don't know if I can stand on my own, but, maybe if I try getting out of bed...
Achmed: Do you need my assistance, mother ?
Jasmine: (peacefully, in a trusting way) I think I can do it on my own, son.
(slowly but surely, she lifts her feet over the bed and places her feet on the floor.
Some dramatic music from Water For Elephants can be used here as she begins to walk for the first time. Achmed's conch shell completely breaks. Not knowing how to thank her, the former warlock hugs her)
Achmed: It was the one thing I had forgotten to try...Agape !
Why didn't I think of that before ? And you knew it all along ! Problem now is, what do I do with myself now that I'm freed from my curse ?
Enchantress: (effervescantly) I believe you'll think of something.
Ace: (breaking into the room) Get your hands off of her, you damned dirty Arab !
Achmed: (offended) How racist ! I haven't harmed the girl. Is she your girlfriend or something ?
Enchantress: (rolling eyes) Yeah, sure. In his dreams.
Achmed: Oh, good, because here I was thinking...
Ace: (loudly) Silence ! (irate) Why did you help him ? That wasn't the objective !
Achmed: (confused) Objective ? Viv, what is he talking about ?
Enchantress: Ivan, Exnay on the evitobey.
Ace: (confused) Come again ?
Enchantress: (to Achmed who is still astonished at his mother's miracle) Give us a sec, will you ?
Achmed: (politely) But of course, Viv, my sweet.
Enchantress: (bluntly and angrily through gritted teeth) What the hell do you think you are doing ? Do you want to blow our cover, Moron ?
Ace: I don't like him touching you...I should be the only one who achieves that honor, not some turban wearing, camel riding bastard.
Enchantress: (disgusted) You really have no class, do you. I was thinking you'd have more dignity.
Ace: (holding back his anger, but clearly miffed) I can't believe you'd fall for this guy's flattery. The guy's playin' you like a jazz flute !
Enchantress: I know I violated protocol. So what ! Is it wrong that I find him appealing and happen to like him.
Ace: It's more than like. I can see it in your eyes. You're in love.
Enchantress: Don't make this more difficult than it has to be. We're still bringing him in.
Ace: (grumbling) Without the conch shell, of course, and Ma Belle isn't going to be happy about that.
Enchantress: We take what we get.
Achmed: (becoming a little irritated) What seems to be the problem ?
Ace: (with Russian accent) She was complaining about the service earlier. One of our cocktail waitors was a bit (coughing awkwardly) forward with her. I had a chat with him and the matter was resolved. I am sorry I intruded, I was out of line.
Achmed: You were only doing your job, Ivan.
Ace: Yes, and now I am afraid I have to finish the job. (pulls gun)
Now if you will, Dark Warlock, come quietly or I will have to use this.
Enchantress: (pulling knife from under dress) I'm sorry, Achmed. It's strictly business.
Jasmine: (running back with a shotgun, cocking it) There is no way in hell you're taking my son. I swear by Allah if you hurt him, I'll...I'll.
Ace: Mrs. Heshmet, please put down the gun. We're merely doing as we have been told. Now we can still go about this nice and easy or there will be blood.
Jasmine: And my aides will have to clean it out of the carpet. (tsks) Oh, how dreadful. I do know how difficult blood stains are to get out of carpet.
Enchantress: Just lower the gun, Mrs. Heshmet.
Jasmine: (lowering her weapon) Go ahead and take him. I will be fine on my own.
Achmed: (trying not to become teary eyed) When I get out of prison, I'll come back and make sure you're alright, ok mama ?
Jasmine: I know son. (crying herself) I know.
(A rather moving score plays underneath as the agents escort Achmed out of the window and are picked up by 'Rush'. Jasmine's aides come in to see her on her feet, ambulatory and are befuddled, bedazzled and awed so much so that they hardly notice Achmed's departure.)
Scene 3—Achmed's New Digs
(The other agents are complaining back at the base in a government owned restaurant/pub called The Rusty Doorknob. They kavetch that they didn't see much excitement at the party but others are conversing about the the food, music and the rubbing elbows with international celebrities. The song 'I Got A Song That Ain't Got No Melody' plays in the backround.)
Rush: I think it all went well. I even showed Achmed his new digs, as well as his
Ace: Now that the incident is through, what are we gonna do ? Babysit Achmed ?
Juliette: Hardly. There will be another case in another sector of the world.
Wherever trouble is, we're in the thick of it.
Pam: I certainly hope it's soon, Caramel. I can't stand sitting still. (bobbing her foot up and down, and then uncrossing her legs, drumming her feet rhythmically on the ground)
Liza: Why so sad, Enchantress ? You and Ace wrapped up this venture flawlessly.
Enchantress: Barely. He almost gave away the fact that we were governmental agents. Had that happened I would've had to kill Achmed. (tries to hide her sadness even at the thought of doing something so abysmal)
Ace: (fingering his martini in a sugguestive way, but she doesn't notice) I could think of a way to turn that frown upside down, beautiful. (wriggles eyebrows)
Enchantress: Ugh, no way.
Yaniv: (leaning over to Crow) Does he realize that's his sister yet ?
Crow: Nope. Clueless as ever, I'm afraid.
Lightner: (making a grand entrance as always) Hello, maggots !
(They salute, as usual)
Lightner: At ease, agents. I heard what you did. It wasn't exactly as we originally planned, but we have bigger fish to fry.
Juliette: (to Pam) Careful what you wish for, Ivy. (light laugh)
General: (appearing on big TV screen) Greetings again, all.
Rush: Good to see you again, Ma Belle.
General: If only I could say the same, Rush. This mission hits us close to home, but moreso to one individual in particular. (shows a photograph of Jessica) Recently, Jessica Monroe has been kidnapped and forced, by hypnotic sugguestion by a group of rogue scientists to release a pathogen into the world via the water system. This anthratic agent has no known antidote. If consumed, people will die instantly. The pathogen itself is still in development but we don't have time to sit around. I've given you all your assignments. Ace, I know this hits you hardest, but don't let your guard down.
Ace: Of course not. You can count on me, gorgeous. (winks at her flirtatiously)
Yaniv: (rolls eyes and sticks out his tongue) Now he's even macking on our own General. (lowers face into palm, exhaling in frustration) Does he ever learn ?
(There is a quick scene change at night. Diamond goes to visit Achmed and 'Strangers in the Night' plays as she says her goodbyes to him and the agents are flown to their sight by Rush. 'Airwolf' plays as they make their landing.)
Scene 4—Reality Stings
Rush: What is Monroe doing ?
Ace: (making certain his Ipod is in place in his labcoat pocket, adjusts fake square rim glasses, intoning different vowels with Swedish accent)
Liza: Getting into character. His cover is as Dr. Lars Bjorn. At any rate, the other doctors will think he has come to do some QA and QM with the anthratic.
Crow: QA ? QM ? (scratches head) Layspeak for the laypeople please.
Liza: (slightly chagrinned) Quality control and quality management.
Ace: (slightly boastful) You're just jealous because I get to wear the labcoat and you schmucks don't ! Even better...when we're ready to drop, I have a theme song backing me up. (gives a cheesy thumbs up)
Yaniv: (in disbelief, whispering to crow) Is he serious ?
Crow: (Sad nod)
Rush: We're here...Ace, you're going in. Don't screw it up, capice ?
Ace: You make me sound like I'm unreliable, Rush. (slaps him on the back hard, before jumping out of the plane, and says rather quietly) Gerinimo !
(The others make their jumps after him but land further away from the site and wait, watching in stealth mode until word is given by Ace for backup.)
(Ace is dancing to a orchestral version of Guile's theme from Street Fighter as he waltzes up to the door. The doctors notice his badge and let him in.)
Liza: The dancing would've been my first clue that Ace wasn't right in the head.
How the heck does he get away with that every single flipping time ?
Yaniv: Of all the years I've been watching him in the field, I can't figure that one out either, Lightning. (light laugh)
(Inside the warehouse)
Ace: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I've come to take a closer look at the specimen.
Elsa: (directing him) Right this way, Doctor.
Nene: Here in this vat, we're creating the vilest creature known to man.
No known vaccine can cure it, since none exists. (smiles wickedly)
Elsa: It's purely indestructible. We're the only human beings that won't be affected by the spread of the agent. It'll be up to us to repopulate the world, Doctor. (slings arms around him and traces his face with her hand seductively)
Ace: I can't find any reason to disagree to that, my dear. I'd be more than glad to herald a new age of humanity with any of you fine, intelligent fillies.
(winks at them and they giggle) I actually was interested about the rest of the facility. I wanted to see if you were running within protocols.
Nene: Allow me. I'll guide you around the warehouse. This way, Doctor Bjorn.
Ace: (quietly playing Flight of the Valkyries over his Ipod as a signal to the others, which they can hear) After you, gorgeous.
(Amorous sounds are heard from the outside as 'Sexual Healing' plays in the background. Meanwhile the agents infiltrate the area, rescue Jessica and barge in on Ace...)
(The scientist women shriek in abject horror, covering themselves with a bedsheet.)
Ace: Do you...mind ? I'm sort of in the middle of something !
Liza: Come on, Monroe. Excuse me, ladies. (The ladies, still in shock, watch in disbelief as Ace is whisked away by Liza's gatling hook.)
(Quick scene transition to the helicopter, where Ace is giving Liza a piece of his mind.)
Ace: I was particularly enjoying that fantastic menage...
Liza: Too much info, Monroe. You could at least thank us for saving your sister.
Ace: (dumbly) I knew there was a reason why she looked familiar. I just...couldnt' place that face. She does bear the Monroe nose.
Jessica: (waking up) Where am I ?
Liza: You're among friends now, Jessica. That's all that you need to know.
Jessica: Ace ? (eyes tearing) Is that...you, little brother ?
Ace: (tries not to get choked up) It's me, Jess. It's been too long, and I had been hoping I'd see you again.
Jessica: (hugging him and crying tears of joy) Thank goodness...After we lost you I thought you had died.
Ace: No, just recruited by the...
Liza: (slaps hand over his mouth, shakes her head back and forth)
Jessica: What's that ? I didn't catch that last part.
Liza: (nervous laugh) Must be the turbulence. Your ears must've popped.
You two will have plenty of time to reminisce and reunite later. For now, the contagion has been contained. That lab is never going to be in commission ever again.
Jessica: Thank God. Who knows what havoc that anthratic would've done to humanity ?
Liza: A terrifying proposition indeed. (looks out the window) We've almost approached our home. There, we will have escorts to take you home. (sees that she's fallen asleep) Huh. I guess the shock of the initial rescue enervated her.
Ace: (covers her up with a blanket) Hopefully I can make things right to her.
Be the brother I never was. Because after all this, I have a few things I want to discuss with you and the unit.
Liza: Roger that, Monroe. But that will have to wait until after you are rewarded for your bravery.
Scene 5—A Normal Existence, For Once
(Scene shift, quickly to the White House, during a gala dinner. President Obama, his wife and children are talking to Ace, commending him on a job well done.)
Ace: You do know, Barry, if I can call you that, Pres, I had help from the best team known to the business. I wouldn't have been able to complete the mission without help from these guys. They're the true heroes, they're the geniuses.
President: Surely, you're joking Mr. Monroe.
Ace: I'm not, Mr. President. I realize this sounds like a cop out, but after my birth, I was accidentally dropped on my head more than once. As a result, I'm lacking a little, 'something' as my mother used to put it nicely.
President: Nonsense. You, son, are a hero. For that, I'm rewarding you the congressional medal of honor.
Ace: (sputtering on his drink, nearly choking) Sir, you can't be serious !
President: (giving him the medal and placing it around his neck, while media cameras capture every moment) For your service, I humbly present this to you.
Wear it with pride, son. You deserve it.
Ace: (choking up)
Jessica: (hugging him) I'm so proud of you brother ! If mom and dad could see you now, they'd flip ! (patting his back)
Ace: That reminds me. Now that all the excitement is said and done, I was wondering if I could talk to my superior, alone. And not out here where other ears may be listening.
President: Sure, son. Whatever you need to do, go ahead.
Ace: Thanks, Mr. President. (shakes his hand) Honor meeting you.
(begins narrating as the instrumental for Toxic begins playing in the background.)
From that moment onward, I changed my life. I developed a new identity. I didn't return to the place of my birth. Where I am, no one truly knows, but the opportunities are ripe here for the picking.
(We see Ace floating in swim shorts out in an ocean somewhere in the Pacific, surrounded by plenty of beautiful women and a fresh pina colada in his hand.
He smiles a self-assured, almost arrogant but charming smile. Overhead POV until he becomes only a blip in the ocean. On screen, 'The End, or is it ?' appears, roll credits.)