|The Misadventures of Electro Orange
Author: Alice the Strange PM
Hold on to your hats, 'cause everyone's favourite airheaded indie girl is back in town, and she's out to conquer the world - or at least Camden - in silver lycra and absurd trousers. Electro Orange is loose and she's coming at you like a wet flannel. A series of nonsensical short stories that I will, one day, remember to illustrate.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,867 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 10-12-11 - Published: 08-07-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2940880
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
It all started on bright, sunny day in mid-September. The sky was misbehaving by being green instead of blue, the sun was a vibrant shade of purple instead of its usual yellow and there were penguins flying through the air and sheep holding complicated discussions about the theory of relativity because today, unlike every other day of the year, sheep were clever, penguins could fly, the sun was purple and Electro Orange was in a mischievous mood.
Electro Orange met Ralph the Lighter on the way to a fancy dress shop (she'd been planning on dressing as the Grim Reaper and strolling around the local old people's home). She had been wondering if Grim Reapers wore flares, and decided that they probably didn't, but that the emo-icon skull made it all worthwhile, when her train of thought was derailed as she glimpsed a lighter wandering down Camden Street. Even in Electro's rather backward psyche, she could tell there was something odd about this. She stopped, confused.
"Hi," said Ralph the Lighter, his orange, flaming head bobbing about in the gentle breeze, which smelt suspiciously of computers. "I'm Ralph the Lighter. Who are you?"
"I'm Electro Orange," said Electro Orange, holding out a leather-gloved hand to Ralph the Lighter. He took it and Electro Orange jumped back in pain. Ralph the Lighter's fiery hand had burnt a round, charred hole through her gloves, and scorched her skin.
"Ow!" Electro Orange said, rubbing her hand. "What was that for, ya nonce?"
"Sorry," Ralph the Lighter apologised. "I tend to forget that everything I touch gets burnt."
"Everything?" Electro Orange asked, a cunning plan forming in her usually rather less-than-cunning mind.
"Everything." Ralph the Lighter nodded glumly. "It's awful. I just want to be loved, but no one can even touch me." He let out an unhappy sigh.
"What if I told you there was a place you could go and people would love you and all, if you just burnt it down?" Electro said.
"Really? Is that a real place?" Ralph the Lighter asked excitedly. His flame flickered eagerly.
"Yeah, sure. Come with me, Alf."
Electro Orange was a fast walker, even in her stilettos, and Ralph the Lighter had to run very, very quickly to keep up with her, which is hard for a lighter with no legs.
"Slow down," he called.
But Electro Orange wasn't listening. The plagiarising business was in her sight.
"Here." Electro Orange gave Ralph a smile when they were stood outside the doomed building. "Just go in here, Ralph, and headbutt a few things, yeah?"
Ralph peered up at the Crunchy Nut building, his tiny black eyes blinking nervously in his blazing face, and frowned. "But I don't want to burn this down. It's my favourite cereal."
"Coco Pops are better," Electro Orange assured him, shoving Ralph the Lighter in the back he didn't have. The tiny lighter stumbled and fell headfirst into the building.
"Oh no! Oh no! I feel terrible. I've never set a building on fire before. People are going to hate me! This is the worst moment of my life!" wailed Ralph the Lighter, as the Crunchy Nut building went up in dancing blue flames. Even the flames were misbehaving under the light of the purple sun. The smell of burning sugar percolated through the building.
"Nah, it's okay. I know what you got to do in a fire," Electro Orange told him. "If you're not in a forest, you 'ave to get on the floor and curl up into a ball like a liquorice bootlace."
"Isn't that thunder and lightning?" asked Ralph the Lighter.
"Nah." Electro Orange didn't need to listen to Ralph the Lighter. She knew what to do in a fire. "That's it, everyone," she encouraged, to the crowd of people running from the burning building. "Crouch down in a tiny ball. Don't breathe in the smoke or noffin', it'll choke you up."
Everybody followed her instructions. Miraculously, there was only one casualty of the blue fire: a furry, orange, domestically violent bastard by the name of Chilli Chicken Ramen.
And just like Electro Orange had promised, Ralph the Lighter became very, very popular amongst some slightly crazy people called the Mods and a race of tiny green pygmies who lived in the rainforest in houses made out of bank receipts. He was even more popular than Electro Orange! Ralph the Lighter was invited to all the cool parties. He had a different woman every night and even made friends with a Mr. Spliff, who took him on a crazy journey through time and space whilst never leaving his living room – but that's another story for another time. Ralph the Lighter even managed to retain his popularity despite a tricky incident involving a family of petrol-soaked cotton wool.
Electro Orange didn't like how popular Ralph had become. She was used to being the most popular girl in town, and the green-eyed monster began to growl within her. The final straw came when Ralph the Lighter came first on the NME cool list, whilst Electro Orange didn't even make the top 50. So, one day, when Electro Orange was thoroughly fed up of Ralph the Lighter's superior popularity, Electro Orange blew Ralph out.
And that was the end of that, really.