"I've Never Loved a Man"

I've never loved a man

That didn't love me

They always made leaps and bounds

To smile elsewhere

Communication meant warbled words

Being distinguished from across the room

Piecing together conversations inconsequential

Even though life is too heavy for this

But I'm still trying to negotiate

The heavy weight of empty man

I hold in my arms

Because I've never actually held a man

He didn't quite fit

It was an oversized oven mitt

Too big for a hand that can't take the heat

Yet the heat and the flame remain

Steadfast behind my eyes

Longing to know the substance of man

What is he?

A lover? A friend?

Does he lurk on the street corners?

Gallivant in the alleyways?

Mingle in the middle of the garden

Left there wanting?

Sent there

Bleeding

For a better day than the one he left?

Though text stated otherwise.

I refuse to believe it.

A man is not but a man

That loses his place in an ill-founded passion

Cooled over when looking at her undeserved scars

And unwarranted weight

A man is not but a man

Who is only of the law

And not of the spirit, the compassion

Of the law of good grace

Who doesn't just say it before every meal

Before digging into the meat

Partaking of the raw emotion of beasts

Nor does he eat his carrots alone

Stand on his hind legs and say

I feel, I feel, I moan for this

To feel is to feel real

But fail to see

That a feeling is just a feeling

You're not rewarded for it

It's what you need to do

Eat your carrots

And freely give them

For real.

For real men and women

And so this constant conflict

Even though I am no feminist

Because feminism drives the sexes apart

So that X and Y

Don't complete the alphabet

But instead give ten reasons

As to why this is happening

And none of it makes sense

So I've never been able to love a man

That didn't love me

Because I haven't learned to love yet

The Son of Man has come and died for all of us

But where is mine? Alone?

I figure part of him must be in my father

Even though he struck my mother down

He loved me enough to leave

And returns weekly

Broken, but not defeated

Part of him's in the artists

With the life mission to out-express everyone

When they're really trying to reach one person

Somewhere

Part of him's in my blind uncle

Who sees beauty only in natural light

And seizes every opportunity to say

"I love you" when he does

Part of him must be in the boy

The sweet boy who sleeps alone

Suffering many a restless night

Yearning for Woman

Woman

Woman

Woman

He holds the part in his hand

That he keeps secret to the world

And himself

Reserving it for Her

Woman

Woman

Woman

He chokes down his pride

Because he doesn't know another way

He throws up his strength

Preparing for the sacred night or day

Woman

He only wishes She could hear.

That one Part

Running deep in my heart

Makes me want to live

So that when He cries for Woman

I will answer him

And then I can say

Without the slightest dismay

I've never loved a man

That didn't love me