Dying to Survive

Monday August 22, 2011

I'm trying to be

Everything you want from me

I'm trying to understand you

As I forget myself

I'm trying to find you

As I lose myself

I've given up the world for you

Reaching out to you

But every step I take

You're pushing me away

Until I can no longer see you

And I'm left here

Lost and broken

Sad and crying

I'm no longer who I should be

I'm no longer how I was

I've lost that person

But I still try to hang on to them

Cause without them

I'm just another person

Dying to survive

Just a faceless nobody who has nothing to offer

I'm not someone you know

I'm not someone you care about

So why are you trying to save me

I see in your eyes

You've lost your hope in the world

You're losing your humanity

You're losing your mind

But I care not about that

I care that you're trying to save that somebody I use to be

You're trying to save the person you loved unconditionally

You're trying to save your little girl

But she's too far gone

She's no longer hear

But when she was

When she- I use to sit across from you

And watch you ignore my distress

My blank look

Just so you could watch your son

You know the favourite

Your mouth says that I am

But your eyes say the truth

You look at me with a lie

And not care that I can see through it that I know this is fake

Not care how your lies rip me apart

Not care that as you worry for you boy

Your other one is wasting away right in front of you

You didn't care how ever I took racked my body with pain

How even now as you try to save me I've given up

But it's not me you care

No

It's the little girl who I cling onto

The little girl you love more than the world

The little girl who you killed without knowing

Yet without caring to stop

I wish I could ask you

As the light grows brighter

"Who is really a fault?

I know this was suicide and I will blame me

And you will blame me

But one of us was murder

So long ago you killed my sprit

Broke your little girl until she took the razorblade

And drew it across her skin

Bleeding her blood

Could you have stopped it early?

Why didn't you catch me as I fell?

Because you said you'd always be there

Just another lie I guess"

And then when I stare up at you

As you cry tears for someone else

I can smile

And instead I'll say

"You've killed me mother"

And I'll let you try and live with yourself after that

Because it'll help you understand

The missing beat in my heart

The tightening in my chest

My endless thoughts driving me made

The burn of my tears

The burn of the pain

And how I fought hard

How I fought not to go back

How I silently asked for help

But you were too blind to see

Too deaf to hear

How as another day goes by

I'm still alive and breathing wishing to be dead

Just another day of wishing to die

Begging to die

Smiling at you

Lying to you

I fucking hate you

I'm dying to survive

But I'm already dead