Stupid Reasons to Cry

Do you know how hard it is to be lonely? Some people handle it better than others, but I'm pretty stupid to handle it the way I'm handling it now.

It all came crashing down when we were finding out who our Littles are for my fraternity. I just started my senior year, and I joined as a freshman in the Spring semester. Normally, I'm really shy and it takes me about two years to get used to a new place. By golly, I wanted a Little as soon as I was eligible, which was the semester after I got initiated. Sophomore year went by, I wasn't even requested. That's okay, I guess they don't know me yet. I even had a chance because one of my [now] best friends was bidding. I'll try next year. Junior year went by, I was still not on a single request. I cracked a bit the second semester because I had tried all year to make friends with as many of the new people as I could, but didn't have enough time in the end because of my course load and my scholarships were on the line. It's now Fall semester, my very last chance to get a Little, because you can't be graduating the same semester, and you can't intern the following semester. Next year, I'll be interning.

I really, really wanted to be this one girl's Big. I had talked to her since she was a freshman, and I got to know her more last year. I held my breath while they read out her bids. All three of them were people who had Littles already, even from past semesters. The president didn't want the prospective members to have a Big they didn't choose, so the requested Bigs got one.

It's a fair system—for the Littles and the popular kids. Not for us shy people, oh no! I usually cry when I'm by myself because I don't want people to think I throw tantrums in public for attention, but this time I just couldn't hold it in and started tearing up and holding back sniffles. How many people cared enough to ask me how I was? Two. One of my best friends, and the girl sitting next to me. I'm positive other people saw me with my eyes and nose red, but they didn't even come to me afterwards and ask how I was. They just carried on with their own friends.

Before you start saying that I'm acting like a spoiled child, save your breath because I've already come to that conclusion. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings. It doesn't mean I'm not crying as I write this, trying not to stop before I get everything out and then bottle it all back in for another year or longer. It doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of all the times I have changed schools, neighborhoods, and states every time I got used to a new place and I was never picked for anything until I was either last or second-to-last. It doesn't mean that I blame my parents for putting me through it, because both of my sisters are so much different than I am and are more outgoing.

If you are still reading, know this: There is no one to blame but myself. It's about two in the morning now and I have work tomorrow. I know this is bad for me. I can't please everybody. I'm not looking for understanding, just perspective. If you do understand, great. If you don't then this is probably either a learning experience or a "Shut up, you spoiled brat, you complain too much."

Fact: I don't complain much because I can't stand people condescending me. I much more often keep my mouth shut because I make up excuses. It took me nineteen years to figure out that I have no excuses for my behavior. Every mistake I've made has been entirely a product of my own doing. I watch TV instead of doing homework as soon as I some home, so I stay up until the wee hours of the morning trying to finish it. See? Entirely my fault.

Whenever I cry like this, I get even more depressed when I think that my own problems don't even compare to other people's problems, like being thrown in a dumpster on a daily basis, or having vicious rumors spread around about me, or having been addicted to drugs, or having a friend die, or having fibromyalgia or cancer, or having my house foreclosed so I have to move, or anything else like that. I have been incredibly blessed by God to not have experienced any of those things. I've only had Asthma and ADHD, and most likely depression inherited from my parents.

Again, in my brain, everything I have said so far seems like one big excuse. I have no reason to cry this hard. Honestly, I can't even think anymore because of the headache cause by my noiseless and useless sobbing.

The strangest part is, I don't feel good about hating the people around me or blaming them because of something that I have control over. I could have deterred it. I have had many opportunities. I didn't take them. I was too lazy. Admitting my lazyness still doesn't change anything.

I hate being lazy. I hate the feeling of "I don't feel like it" and "I'll do it later" and "I forgot to do that because I did the non-important stuff instead" and "I should have done this yesterday". I know that the lazy way is much more difficult than the correct way to do it or go about it.

I'm changing every day in my thinking, my actions, my goals, and my beliefs in myself. I make small, tiny changes that are not enough. I can't stand it. I feel like I'm going backward sometimes.

I am not a spoiled brat, I'm not throwing a tantrum. I'm not making excuses. I'm not blaming others for my shortcomings.

I'm not fooling anyone.

Not even you.