|Himself to the Last
Author: KiyoshiTanaka PM
Tyler Sanders dies, leaving his brother and his boyfriend to seek comfort in each other's arms. This leaves them feeling guilty, as though they have betrayed his memory. Tyler disagrees. Slash.Rated: Fiction M - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Words: 1,434 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 4 - Published: 11-13-11 - Status: Complete - id: 2970109
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Well… yeah. Here we go. I know I should be writing an update of both Abomination and Eye of the Storm, but this is what's coming to mind so… it's gonna get written and then I'll go off to those.—KG64 and Kiyoshi
Dylan looks up at the sound of the beeping machine. Or rather, his blue eyes flash to his brother's sleeping form when the beeping stops. The nurses rush in to Tyler Sanders' room, but when they see the situation, they do nothing. Dylan wants to yell at them, scream at them to do something, but he knows it's no use. His baby brother signed a DNR three days ago.
Liam stares blankly at his boyfriend's body. Tyler was only twenty four. Liam can't understand why Tyler had to get sick like that, why Tyler had to die. Without thinking, he turns and rests his forehead on Dylan's shoulder as he begins to cry.
Dylan is surprised, but he wraps his arms around Liam anyway. And together they sit and mourn the loss of Tyler. He was Dylan's only family, their parents having died in a car crash six years ago. They had plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins, but none who would come halfway across the country to visit.
Liam was Tyler's boyfriend of seven months, a small but seemingly permanent addition to Dylan and Tyler's family of two.
They are the only two people there, the only two people who really care that Tyler is gone.
They go back home and curl up together in Liam and Tyler's bed. Suddenly Liam whispers, "I always felt so bad, that he always had to be on bottom."
"What?" Dylan asks, just as quietly.
"I… I know that Tyler likes… liked to be on top. And I would have been willing to try the bottom for him," Liam explains quietly. "But he was… he could barely meet me. There was no way he could have found the strength to be on top. I always felt guilty that I couldn't let him have his favored position just once. Sometimes it looked like a struggle for him to even have sex at all. But he wanted it…"
Dylan nods, his heart paining because he misses his brother and because he's in love with the man he's now holding in his arms.
And then neither of them is thinking. It just happens. One minute, they are both crying over the loss of a brother, a boyfriend. The next, they're kissing like it's their last day alive. Part of each of them wonders if it is; after everything that happened with Tyler, they cannot bring themselves to believe that life is certain.
Dylan is kissing Liam and unbuttoning his shirt, removing his pants and his boxers. Liam pulls of Dylan's t-shirt, pushes the other man's sweatpants down past his waist. "This is wrong," Dylan whispers. "You're my brother's boyfriend."
Liam kisses him. "When Tyler talked to us yesterday, separately, alone, he told me that I needed to move on. He told me he knew who I needed to move on to as well."
He kisses Dylan again, reaching for the bedside table, where he and Tyler kept the lube and condoms. Dylan gently takes them from him and covers his fingers with the lube. Liam gasps as one cold finger teases his entrance before entering. "I've never been on bottom," he confesses. "Never."
"I'll be gentle," twenty seven year old Dylan assures the older man. Dylan always believed that, at thirty two, Liam was too old for Tyler. But he didn't say anything. Because Liam wasn't the oldest guy Tyler had dated, and Dylan strongly suspected that the largest problem he had with Tyler and Liam dating was the fact that he had feelings for Liam himself.
Two fingers, a third, a condom, and then Dylan gently slides himself into Liam's tight space. They both moan at the same time, although Dylan's is in pleasure and Liam's is in something close to pain. "Are you okay?" Dylan whispers.
Liam nods and whispers, "I always knew that, with you, I'd have to give up being on top. Move."
Dylan does, slowly and gently, finding the place that makes it pleasurable for Liam as well, but it's more than enough for both men. The sex isn't rough and enthusiastic like it would have been if they were dating; it's slow and passionate. But the passion is mixed with grief, as well as guilt.
When they finish, lying in each other's arms, Liam whispers, "I feel as though I've cheated on him. With his brother."
Dylan nods, but he pulls the other man closer. "I feel like I've betrayed him, stolen his boyfriend or something."
"What would he say, if he knew?"
"He'd probably shake his head sadly and tell us he already knew," Dylan answers. "I could never hide anything from him. I'm sure he knew that I'm in love with you."
Liam is silent for a long time, and Dylan begins to fear that he's said the wrong thing. But then Liam asks, "Do you think he knew that I'm in love with you as well?"
Dylan pulls Liam closer. "I don't know."
A few days later, a woman appears at the door. She's one of the people Tyler wanted called when he died. A friend, not extremely close, but close enough to visit him a couple times. Dylan hesitantly accepts a letter from her and her condolences, and then she leaves. He knows he won't see her again.
He looks at the letter and frowns. It is addressed to Dylan and Liam, no last names, nothing. But that's not what gets him. What gets him is that it's in Tyler's handwriting. He wakes Liam and they open it together, carefully reading over the last thing Tyler had to say to them.
Dylan and Liam-
I assume that Sarah gave you this because I died. If not, she didn't do what I told her to. But we're going to work under the assumption that she did exactly as I asked.
First, I want you both to know that I love you. Endlessly. With all my heart. I couldn't have remained sane without the two of you by my side.
Second, don't feel guilty. I was selfish, I know, keeping Liam to myself these last seven months, when I knew he loved you more, Dylan, and when I knew you loved him in return. And Liam, I was selfish to keep you to myself when I knew you loved my brother. But I thought that when it was all over, as it soon will be, you can be there to comfort each other, to love each other. And you should never feel guilty for that.
I love you both and all I really want is for the two of you to be happy. You're the two most important people in my life, and it breaks my heart to think that you might be sad on my account. Don't be. Please. If you guys don't at least try to be happy, I'm going to come down from wherever I've been sent, and I'm going to kick your asses till you quit being stupid.
That's all there is to say, I suppose.
I love you both, so much.
Three things: Don't do drugs, don't drink and drive, practice safe sex.
P.S.-If you name one of your kids after me, I'll find a lightning bolt and kill you with it.
Liam and Dylan stare at the letter in silence for a long time. Then Dylan lets out a small chuckle. Then he's laughing quietly, although he's also trying not to cry. The same can be said of Liam. Dylan mutters, "Of course he knew. Why would we ever convince ourselves otherwise?"
Liam nods and asks, "He… how can someone dying have this kind of cheerfulness? Tell their boyfriend and brother to practice safe sex?"
Dylan stares at the letter. "I don't know, but I don't think I want to test his postscript."
Liam laughs, and although there is pain in it, it is not forced either. "Tyler William Sanders. Himself to the last."