|The Adventures Of Poop Man And His Crazy Friends
Author: Courage of Billy Batson PM
My novel for NaNoWriMo. When Chris gets superpowers, he gets his totally insane friends to help him kill evil people. But what happens when the evil people are actually evil?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,039 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-11-13 - Published: 11-30-11 - id: 2975543
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Chapter Where Everything Changed, And Someone Died
Chris fell down to the floor, dead.How did I get here? And why can I think when I'm dead? Well, I guess I got here by taking a right on fifth, then I got in a car wreck and got arrested for drunk driving, drinking underage, stealing a car, driving without a license, and worst of all- speeding. Oh, wait, you wanted me to have a flashback, didn't you? Well, it all started when…
"Stop, evil doer!" Chris yelled, pulling the trigger of his gun hundreds of times. His blond hair fell past his eyes, obscuring his bright blue green eyes.
Suddenly, he got shot and died.
The words GAME OVER flashed across the screen of the arcade game he was playing.
What? You actually thought he was killing people? Um, hello, we need an origin story!
Chris rolled his eyes and threw his gun down. He hadn't bothered to use the gun the arcade provided for the game- he had brought a gun from his personal collection.
Sadly, it was very sensitive, so when he threw it down, it discharged and shot someone in the foot.
"Aw, crap." Chris muttered. "Now I'll get kicked out of another arcade!"
As the person who got shot slowly and painfully bled to death, Chris grabbed his gun and walked out.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PUT AS A TRANSITION SO I'LL JUST REPEAT THE WORD TRANSITION THREE TIMES
TRANSITION TRANSITION TRANSITION
Adriana pulled out a gun, laughed maniacally, then pulled the trigger about twenty times. The older woman she was shooting fell down, somehow still alive, but in total pain.
Adriana rolled her eyes and pulled out a remote from her back pocket. She pressed a button and the bottom half of the woman exploded, yet she somehow still survived.
Adriana glanced at her watch and groaned. "Damn it! I have to go to school. We'll continue this when I get home. Bye, Mom!"
Her mom coughed up blood. "I raised her so well…"
TRANSITION TRANSTITION TRANSITION TRANSITION
WAIT A MINUTE… DAMN IT!
Chris ran into his class at the last second. He sat down in his seat, pulling out his unfinished homework.
Suddenly, Evil Man walked in. Contrary to his name, he was the most evilest person in the world. He wore all black, with a white cape (it was laundry day). He wore a black mask that covered all of his face, as that is what masks are supposed to do.
"Give me all your pencils!" he yelled, pulling out a gun.
The teacher looked at him, confused. "Don't you want our money?"
"What? That's ridiculous! Why would I want your money? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
"Um… okay, then… you heard him, class! Give the man your pencils!"
As the rest of the class threw their pencils at Evil Man, Chris stood up, defiant.
"You will never take my pencil!" Chris yelled.
Evil Man shrugged. "I'll just start killing everyone here until you do." He shot three different people, killing them instantly (after a lot of pain).
Chris laughed. "You think I care if you kill anyone here? I hate them all! Kill them! Kill them! Kill them!"
"AH! STOP CHANTING! Fine! I'll just shoot you!"
"But if you kill me, you'll never get my pencil!" Chris said confidently.
"Yes I will! I'll just take it from your dead body!"
"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense…" Chris sighed. "Fine. But I will have my revenge!" With that, he threw his pencil over, crying.
"Well, I'm going to underestimate you and then you're going to get in a position where you could kill me but you won't because it's morally wrong but I'll still be in jail and then I'll escape and then I'll die and then I'll come back to life and repeat." He left, leaving behind pencilless people… oh yeah, and three dead bodies.
DOO DOO DOO IM SINGING THE DOO TRANSITION SONG
Megan walked into her home and did a sexy pose for no good reason. She grabbed a remote and hit a button on it, making the speakers start playing her favorite song ever.
"I'msexyandIknowit!"the speakers boomed while she did a strip tease. Megan was the school whore, always wearing seductive clothes and banging guys every other night. She was having an off year.
After five hours, Adam coughed, making his presence known.
Megan stopped and glanced at him awkwardly. "Oh… hey, there… um… how long were you there, exactly?"
"FIVE HOURS!" Adam shouted. "I HAVE STOOD HERE WATCHING YOU DO A STIP TEASE FOR FIVE FREAKING HOURS!"
"Oh…" Megan glanced at the speakers, realized it was still playing, and punched it. Obviously, it stopped playing.
"Do you do this every day?" Adam asked.
"No. Only every other day." Megan walked over to him. "So… you wanna take this to the bedroom?"
Adam looked at her if she was crazy (she probably was, considering she was flirting with ADAM). "Um… aren't you dating someone?"
"Yeah… I'm dating some douchebag football player. He really isn't even that hot…"
"Then why the hell are you dating him?"
"So I don't have to do him."
"Wait…" Adam looked at her, confused. "But… if he's your boyfriend…"
Megan shrugged. "It's complicated. So… you ready to… take this up to the bedroom?"
Adam sighed. "Fine. But only once!"
Megan grinned. "Yes!"
AW CRAP I FORGOT THE DOO TRANSITION SONG. ANYONE REMEMBER HOW IT GOES?
Chris groaned as they walked through yet another room in the Really Badly Contained Radioactive Spiders Building That Students Go To For Field Trips And Get Bitten building. The school had decided to send his class here in hopes that they would all get bitten and die, seeing as they were the lowest scoring class in the school. That probably had something to do with Chris crying every time he saw a pencil.
The tour guide turned around. "Right now, we're in the Spiderman Spiders. These are the spiders that will cause you to think that you're Spiderman, jump off a cliff, and DIE."
"Oh my god… that sounds so dangerous! GIVE ME ONE!" Adriana yelled. She was bored, so she decided to go to the most hazardous place in the world: a school field trip destination.
The tour guide sighed. "Sadly, we can't actually give them to you. I would love to set them upon all of your worthless bodies, but that would been a lot of paperwork, and paper is my mortal enemy."
Unbeknownst to all of the idiots in the room, every single one of the spiders had gotten loose. It crawled up on Chris's shoulder and bit down.
The spider spit. "Ew, he tastes disgusting!"
"AHHHHHHH I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN BECAUSE A TINY SPIDER BIT ME!" Chris yelled, falling to the ground. The last thing he saw was a bunch of people laughing at him, and then he fainted.
TWO HUNDRED YEARS LATER
JK IT WAS ONLY A FEW HOURS
Chris slowly woke up to see a ceiling. It was white, and it had lights on it. The lights were shining. It was pretty.
He rolled over to see he was in a hospital room. It was probably in a hospital. That's just a guess, though.
A nurse ran into the room. "Oh, thank god you woke up! Although, I have some terrible news to tell you. The spider bite transformed your body into a horrible monster." She hesitantly held up a hand mirror.
Chris saw his reflection and looked at her, confused. "That's how I always look!"
The nurse gasped. "I'm so sorry… I will donate ten million dollars to whatever charity is trying to cure your disease!"
"I don't have a- wait… ten million dollars?"
"What, is that too little?"
Chris suddenly got an idea. It was a very rare occurrence for him, so he decided to go with it. "Yes. You should donate twenty billion dollars. You can just give it to me, and I'll give it to the charity."
The nurse nodded and ran off. Chris grinned. "Wow, she's stupid… Oh my god, I never thought I would say that in my life!"
The nurse ran back in and gave him a giant stack of hundred dollar bills. "Here you go. I hope you get cured soon!"
Chris stared at the stack of money in his hands. "If I invest this in the right companies, then I could make millions more! I would be the richest person in the world!" he burst out laughing. "Yeah, right! I'm gonna waste it all on stupid things like fingernail paint and pregnancy tests! Winning!"
He walked out of the hospital and started to walk home. As he walked, he remembered something the guide had said.
"Sadly, we can't actually give them to you. I would love to set them upon all of your worthless bodies, but that would been a lot of paperwork, and paper is my mortal enemy."
No, not that! Idiot…
"Right now ,we're in the Spiderman Spiders. These are the spiders that will cause you to think that you're Spiderman, jump off a cliff, and DIE."
"Then why am I not dead? And why am I talking to myself? Don't only crazy people do that?"
An old woman walked past him and heard him talking to himself. "Shut up, you crazy!"
"Okay then… apparently only crazy people do that… But seriously, why am I not dead?"
He walked over to Megan's house to ask her what she thought. He opened the door and heard a lot of moaning and screaming.
"Hey Megan, what are you doing up there?"
"Um- I- I'm… watching a movie! Ah yes, right there!"
Chris closed the door and walked out. "Why is she always watching the same movie whenever I come over?"
INSERT AWESOME TRANSITION JOKE HERE BECAUSE I'M TOO LAZY TO MAKE UP ONE
Adriana threw another knife at the target, testing its sharpness. She did this every night, just in case an insane killer came to her house.
Yeah right! She just liked throwing knives. Especially when the target was that annoying boy from third period.
The boy in question was tied to the wall, screaming. A lot. Fortunately, her neighbors were used to hearing tortured screams, so no one cared.
"AHH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? IT HURTS SO BAD!" the boy screamed. Suddenly, the phone rang. Adriana groaned and went to get it.
"Hello?" she asked.
"I want to play a game…" a deep voice said.
Adriana rolled her eyes. "Fuck you!" She pulled out a gun and shot the phone about thirty times. Then she went over to the fireplace and burned it. "Well, that was fun. Now, what was I doing? Oh, right…" She walked back to the boy and pulled out a knife. "I hope you like pain!"
"I HATE PAIN!" the boy shouted.
"Really? Oh, well then you're gonna hate this!" Adriana stabbed him multiple times.
AND THEN HE DIED!