|The Adventures Of Poop Man And His Crazy Friends
Author: Courage of Billy Batson PM
My novel for NaNoWriMo. When Chris gets superpowers, he gets his totally insane friends to help him kill evil people. But what happens when the evil people are actually evil?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,039 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-11-13 - Published: 11-30-11 - id: 2975543
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
THE CHAPTER WHERE THE CHARACTERS FINALLY START FOLLOWING AN ACTUAL PLOT LINE AND PEOPLE HAVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND STUPID STUFF LIKE THAT THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
"Well, I got to go." Zombie Turkey said, walking away. "I got a bunch of people who are celebrating Thanksgiving that I need to kill while laughing insanely and evilly."
"Wait… then why did you even come?" Megan asked.
"To tell you something dramatic. I did a pretty awesome job of that, right?" Zombie Turkey said, grinning (don't ask me how a zombie turkey grins, because I have no freaking idea).
Zombie Turkey crashed through another wall, even though he left a hole in the wall he had crashed through before. Megan turned to Adam, looking down.
"Um, look, I just wanted to apologize for being so mean to you before. I know that you get bullied a lot, so I decided to thank you by giving you this." She pulled out a necklace from her pocket and held it out. It seemed simple, just being a string with a giant real emerald that would sell for quadrillions of dollars. "This has been passed down in my family for generations. And by that, I mean that I found it on the floor about five seconds ago."
"Um… is this supposed to be romantic?" Adam asked.
"Uh… no… I'm totally over you, remember?" Megan said.
Adam looked down sadly. "Yeah… right. Um… thanks." He grabbed the necklace and stuffed it in his pocket carelessly. "Well… we should… probably… you know… leave… before the police come here and realize that two of the walls have giant holes in the walls and that we were the only two people in the room at the time so we must've done it…"
Megan nodded. "Right. Come on, let's go… friend…" She glanced at him awkwardly.
Adam started staring into her deep blue eyes, afraid that he was in love. Then he realized he was staring at the wrong place and looked down.
After an hour, he realized that school was over and somehow managed to break his stare. "Come on, let's go." Adam said, hating that he couldn't tell her how he really felt. Then he realized that he totally could, it was just that he didn't want to. But… he did want to.
Oh, logic, you are such an asshole.
Adam rolled his eyes and started to leave. He could figure out his for some reason existing love life later. Right now, he had to go enroll for karate classes. He needed to learn to fight. He couldn't rely on his total loserness all of the time! Only ninety nine point nine nine nine nine sixty nine nine nine nine percent.
Adam, Megan, Adriana, Chris, and Evil Man all sat at a meeting. Once again, it was really awkward.
You know, I'm starting to notice a pattern with these meetings…
Adriana was sitting as far away from Megan as she could. She had started to run around the world to get away from her, but she realized that the farthest away she could be was the world's entire circumference, which in other words meant sitting right next to her.
So Adriana was sitting on Megan's head, glaring at her.
Now you see why the meeting was awkward.
Adam broke the silence. "Um… well, I'm gonna start taking a karate class tomorrow."
"NO ONE CARES, ADAM!" Chris yelled. He glanced around, embarrassed. "Oh, sorry. I know that Adam and Megan are still fighting, so I shouldn't be mean to him too. Only when this is resolved."
Adam glanced at him, confused. "Um… it is resolved. We're like, best friends now."
"Um, I would NOT go that far." Megan said.
"But that doesn't mean that you have to be mean!" Adam said, standing up. "Just hear me out. We're a team! We shouldn't be fighting! We should be the closest of friends! We have something no one else does!"
"An infinite supply of poop?" Chris guessed.
"Well, we do have that, but that's not what I'm talking about. Guys, we have each other! No matter what happens, we'll always have that. Well, unless one of us dies. Which is totally possible and incredibly likely. Actually, considering only one of us has powers, and those powers SUCK, we all really should be dead. But we'll get to that later. I say that we stop fighting and start working together! We're a million time stronger together than separate! Now who's with me?" He raised his fist triumphantly.
Chris stared at him. "What the HELL was that?" he asked, laughing. "That was the most stupidest thing I've ever seen in my entire life! What, you think that just by a bunch of stupid words you can get us to work together? HA! You're stupider than ME! And I'm a genius, so that's saying a lot!"
Adam rolled his eyes. "Stop trying to be smart." he said coolly. "You're not, and you never will be. No one says it to your face because you're also a total asshole. Ask anyone!"
Chris rolled his eyes. "Fine!" He picked up his phone and started to dial a number. He paused and looked up. "Um, my phone isn't working. Do you think that has anything to do with me blowing it up?"
"Yes. Yes I do." Adam said.
Chris sighed. "Fine! Adriana, give me your phone!"
Adriana shrugged. "Okay." She pulled out her phone and tossed it to Chris. As soon as he caught it, it turned into twenty knives and a few rifles.
Chris rolled his eyes. "I mean your REAL phone, Adriana. Not your Kill Anyone Who Even Dares To Touch My Phone phone."
Adriana rolled her eyes. "FINE! Here!" She pulled out another phone and tossed it to Chris.
Chris smiled and dialed a number. He turned it onto speaker and waited for the person to pick up.
"Hello?" a voice said from the phone.
"Hey, Mom." Chris said. "Do you think I'm an asshole?"
"Wait… I thought you accidentally killed your mom." Adam said.
"You know, that would explain a lot." Chris said, thinking. "But then who's this?"
"STOP CALLING ME, YOU PSYCHO!" the voice yelled before hanging up.
"Well, at least she doesn't think I'm an asshole." Chris said hesitantly.
"Uh, yes I do."
"SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING TO ME WHEN YOU ALREADY HUNG UP!"
"Fine! But before I do, I'm going to take this opportunity to insult Adam. Adam, you suck. Bye!"
Adam got up and started to leave. "I gotta go now. I need to cry- I mean, to… uh… lift some weights?"
ADAM, YOU NEED TO PLAN YOUR EXCUSES WHEN YOU HAVE TO RUN OUT TO CRY, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S GONNA HAPPEN EVERY TIME YOU TALK TO SOMEONE.
Evil Man walked into the karate place thing whatever it's called… a DOJO! THAT'S WHAT IT IS! HELL YEAH!
The karate teacher walked up to him. "Welcome. What would you like to do?"
"I'm here to kill you." Evil Man said.
The karate teacher rolled his eyes. "Seriously? That's what pretty much three quarters of the people who come here want! Can't you be a little more original than that?"
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "Just fight me!"
The karate teacher immediately kicked his stomach. Evil Man crumpled to the floor, wheezing and holding his stomach. The karate teacher brought his elbow and down on Evil Man's back, making Evil Man's back arch in pain. The karate teacher kicked out at his stomach. Sadly, he missed, hitting a spot a bit… lower… if you know what I mean…
"ARGH!" Evil Man yelled in pain. "IN RETROSPECT, I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE BROUGHT A WEAPON! Oh wait, I did!" He pulled out a gun and shot the karate teacher. "Hah hah! You're dead! See, it's funny because you're dead. HA!" He got up and started to walk away. His plan was working perfectly…
ARE YOU READY FOR WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN? ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS JELLY. OKAY, FINE, I'LL WRITE IT ANYWAYS.
Evil Man walked over to Voldy awkwardly. "Um… hey… okay, why is it that almost everything I do has to be awkward! It's seriously annoying me."
Voldy raised his eyebrow. "Um, and why exactly did you decide to talk to me when I'm in the SHOWER?"
"Because I had something really important to ask you!" Evil Man explained.
"Yeah, but couldn't it WAIT? This is sorta REALLY AWKWARD!"
Evil Man hesitated. "Yeah, well… that's sort of what I want to talk to you about. There's this new restaurant downtown that just opened, and I was wondering… well… would you like to go rob it with me?"
"You mean… like a date?"
Evil Man paused. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I do."
Voldy thought for a second. "I will respond to that after you get out of the bathroom and close the door because I am IN THE FREAKING SHOWER!"
ONE FINISHED SHOWER LATER
"So? What do you say?" Evil Man asked eagerly.
Voldy grinned. "Yes. BUT- but, I was thinking that instead of robbing it, maybe, and I know this is weird, just hear me out, maybe we could eat there?"
Evil Man stared at him confused. "Why would you ever do that? But you know what, this is my first relationship and I don't want to screw it up. We can eat there."
Voldy smiled. "Good. Now, we'll meet here at, um… five?"
"It's seven thirty." Evil Man said flatly.
"Right… look, just grab a suit and meet me there, okay?"
Evil Man grinned. "YES!" he yelled, punching the air. He didn't move, letting his hand stay up.
"Um… what are you doing?" Voldy asked.
"Sh!" Evil Man whispered. "You'll ruin the freeze frame!"
Voldy rolled his eyes. "Whatever. See you soon!"
BILLIONS OF STUPID SUITS LATER
Voldy sighed in relief when Evil Man walked into his house, dressed up in a suit. "Where were you?" he asked. "You took like ten hours!"
"Well, I didn't want to come to our first date looking like a color blind idiot! I had to rob like two hundred stores to find this." Evil Man said, shrugging.
Voldy sighed. "Let's just go on the date where I'm positive a lot of things will go hilariously wrong and then we'll break up but then get back together and then we'll all die and come back to life."
Evil Man smiled. "Or… we could go… upstairs…"
"Uh, my room is on this floor." Voldy pointed out.
"Oh… well, now I feel stupid." Evil Man grinned. "Well, come on. Let's go on our date. Wow, never thought I'd ever say that to a guy with no nose…"
"STOP MAKING FUN OF MY NOSE! JUST BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A NOSE FOR UNEXPLAINED REASONS DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF IT ALL THE TIME!"