|The Adventures Of Poop Man And His Crazy Friends
Author: Courage of Billy Batson PM
My novel for NaNoWriMo. When Chris gets superpowers, he gets his totally insane friends to help him kill evil people. But what happens when the evil people are actually evil?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,039 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-11-13 - Published: 11-30-11 - id: 2975543
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Chapter Where I Decide To Stop Caring About This Story And Just Let It Fail Miserably
Chris sat at another awkward meeting. They really needed to stop having these meetings when things were awkward.
Finally, he stood up. "Screw this." he said, walking to the door. "I'm going out solo."
"Wait!" Megan called out. "Why are you leaving?"
"Because when I started this team, I started it because I wanted a human shield if someone shot me, and because I wanted to have sex with Megan. But now Megan isn't a slut and Adriana would never let me be her human body shield! And besides, literally every single one of our meetings has been awkward. If it was just me, it wouldn't be awkward, because I can tell myself anything!"
With that, he walked out of the house, slamming the door shut. He glanced around, then walked back in.
"Do any of you guys know how to get to my house from here?" he asked hesitantly.
"Chris, we're in your house." Megan pointed out.
"Oh. Are you sure? Actually, you know what, I recognize that crack on the ceiling. That was when I found out that throwing axes at ceiling leave permanent cracks and sometimes dead people." Chris said, looking up. "Well, then GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NEVER COME BACK! NEVER!"
Megan, Adriana, and Definitely Not Evil Man all ran out hurriedly. Megan walked back in. "Um, I forgot my jacket."
"Oh, cool, let me get it for you." Chris said, starting to walk away. Then he paused and turned back. "Wait. I thought I told you to never come back! GET OUT OF HERE!"
Megan rolled her eyes and walked out. Chris sat down on a couch and thought. He thought some more. He thought as hard as he could.
Then he remembered he had never learned how to think.
Chris went over to his computer and hit the power button. Nothing happened. He hit it again. Nothing happened. He hit it five times. Nothing happened five times. He hit it with a sledgehammer. Nothing happened with a sledgehammer. He shot it. Nothing Happened got shot and died. Suddenly, the computer booted up.
He searched the name, 'Possibly Eviler Than Evil Man Himself'. A bunch of hits came up, but something strange was that they were all about the mall attack. It was like he had never existed before.
He looked at one of the pictures closely. "Oh my god…" Suddenly, his head started hurting. "What's going on?" he shouted. "SOMEONE HELP ME! I THINK I MIGHT BE HAVING A THOUGHT! BUT I DON'T THINK IT BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK!"
Is Possibly Eviler Than Evil Man Adam?
"Oh, thank god it's over." Chris muttered. "But- that actually sort of makes sense. I mean, Adam did hate his life and everyone he knew, and he has disappeared. But who would be such an idiot to try to convince Adam to join their side of darkness? No one wants Adam! Well, except Megan."
Suddenly, Olivia walked in. "Hey." she said, as if she belonged there.
"Wha- Olivia, what are you doing here?" Chris sputtered in surprise.
"I wanted to see you. After all, you are the one who helped me escape the stillness. Even though I'm still trapped…"
Chris blinked in surprise. "Wow, Olivia. That seemed… almost sane. I applaud!" He started clapping.
"Wow, it did, didn't it?" Olivia said. "Crap, gotta change that. We're all trapped in a cage… the Earth keeps us here forever… never ending… never changing… never dying…"
"…and you're insane again." Chris rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Look, I just did something smart, so I do NOT want someone like you cramping my style."
"…no one says cramping my style anymore…" Olivia muttered, casting her eyes down.
"Okay, you have gotten even insaner then when I last talked to you! Who would've known that that was possible!" Chris said, shaking his head.
"I knew… I know everything. Nothing is a mystery. Everything has light on it… except you. Darkness shrouds you… You are the only mystery."
Chris rolled his eyes. "Look, why are you here?"
"I'm here for two reasons. One, to tell you that I got a date. Me and Wall are going out tomorrow at eight, so don't you DARE be anywhere near us at that point. Two, beware Eviler Than Evil Man. Aim low and you will reach the heavens…" Olivia walked out of the room, down the stairs, out the door, through a meth warehouse, through someone's body, over the sky, under the sky, in the sky, on a bed, on Evil Man, in Lost, where she killed a bunch of people and turned into a bald guy who gets conned and falls out of buildings, and underwater.
Chris rolled his eyes and turned back to his computer. "If that really is Adam, then I'll need to have proof. How to get proof… AH, IT'S ANOTHER THOUGHT! WHY AM I SO SMART? AHHHHHH-"
Maybe you could capture him and unmask him!
"DAMN MY GENIUS! IT'S TOO STRONG AND DANGEROUS FOR ANYONE BESIDES ME! Hey, that was actually a pretty good idea! Yep, I'm just that awesome."
CHRIS, YOU ARE NOT THAT AWESOME. YOU ARE WAY MORE AWESOMER.
Chris turned the corner on the sidewalk. He was walking around the neighborhood, hoping some evil super villain- hopefully Possibly Eviler Than Evil Man Himself- would attack so he could kill them. Or, if it was Possibly Eviler Than Evil Man Himself, unmask and show the world who it was, and then kill him.
Sadly, no one was attacking. He was trying to figure out why when he accidentally bumped into someone, pushing them into the street.
Then a car ran over them.
Chris, not paying attention, kept on walking. Soon, he passed Megan, who walked past him. She recognized him and turned around.
"Chris!" she called out. "What are you doing?"
"Looking for evil super villains." he responded, glancing upwards. "Can you help me? I don't want to miss some evil super villain trying to kill me and causing mass panic. I feel like something like that would be really hard to notice."
Megan rolled her eyes. "Have you ever thought to look somewhere besides this neighborhood?"
Chris looked at her, confused. "What? Why would I do that? Super villains only ever attack small, poor neighborhoods like ours."
Megan rolled her eyes. "Have you noticed how the only thing that matters in this world is money and being sexy! That's why super villains only attack banks and stuff like that! It's also why I'm set for life."
Chris sighed. "That makes no sense! Then why would Evil Man steal pencils?" Megan looked at him, confused. "Oh, come on. Please don't tell me you've forgotten that! It's obviously going to be important later on and we'll use that information to figure out the giant evil master plan! Duh!"
Megan's eyes widened in shock. "Wait. Did you just say something smart? WHAT IS GOING ON?"
"Yeah. And even weirder, I had a THOUGHT! Two of them! I'm really confused…"
Megan fainted in shock. Then she woke up. Then she fainted. Then she dreamed about killing a bunch of people and having sex with girls. Then she woke up again.
She shook her head. "Okay, that is it. We need to figure out what's going on. This is just too strange."
Chris nodded. "Awesome. We should start by researching how pencils can be used in evil ways."
"STOP BEING SMART!" Megan yelled. "IT'S TOO WEIRD!"
Chris rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Hey, look, it's a Lie Berry! Isn't that where you research things?"
"…and you're back to stupid." Megan said, rolling her eyes.
Inside the Lie Berry, Chris used one of the computers to search, 'Evil uses for a pencil'.
About 6,550,000 results popped up.
Chris clicked on the first one. It was a very detailed instruction on how to make a bomb out of pencils.
"Oh my god…" Chris whispered. "He's going to make a bomb out of pencils!"
Megan rolled her eyes. "That doesn't even make any sense! Pencils have no chemical energy at all, no nuclear power, no nothing! How can you make a bomb out of pencils?"
"There's no time, Megan!" Chris said, standing up. "Besides, everyone knows that if it's on the internet, it's true! That's why I know that Star Wars ends with Darth Vader making out with Spock and Luke kills Jean Grey who comes back to life like five times!"
Megan rolled her eyes. "But how are we going to find Evil Man? You've only seen him, like, twice!"
"Then maybe I can be of assist." a voice drawled behind them.
Megan and Chris both jumped, then turned around to see Definitely Not Evil Man standing behind them.
"Oh, it's you, Definitely Not Evil Man," Chris said in relief. "At first I thought you were Evil Man. You know, you guys sound exactly the same! And you both look the same, too! Weird…"
Definitely Not Evil Man smiled. "Yes, it is… weird. But I know exactly where Evil Man is right now. And I'm going to take you."
NO, YOU IDIOTS! DON'T GO WITH EVIL MAN! IT'S A TRAP! WAIT A MINUTE… IF THEY GO WITH HIM, THEN THEY'LL ALL DIE… GO WITH EVIL MAN! GO DIE A HORRIBLE, PAINFUL DEATH!
Chris, Megan, and Definitely Not Evil Man hid next to the door of an abandoned warehouse. Although, considering why they were there, it probably wasn't abandoned.
So Chris, Megan, and Definitely Not Evil Man hid next to the door of a probably not abandoned warehouse.
Definitely Not Evil Man slowly opened the door. Nothing happened. He opened it faster. Nothing happened. He finished opening the door. A butterfly died.
All three walked in cautiously, looking around for any traps. Then they realized that the lights weren't on, so they couldn't see anything.
Definitely Not Evil Man found the switch and turned it on. All three initially shied away from the light until their eyes adjusted. They looked around and noticed a giant dome hovering above the floor.
"Well, that can't have any sinister meaning to it." Chris said, walking towards it. "I think I'll just walk under it for no good reason."
He walked under it, and nothing happened. After nothing happened, the dome fell down, trapping Chris in it.
"AHH!" Chris yelled, pounding on the glass. "THAT WAS THE MOST ELEGANT AND BRILLIANT TRAP EVER! NO ONE COULD EVER HAVE SEEN THAT COMING!"
Megan rolled her eyes, then suddenly felt hands grab her waist. Well, not hands.
"Sh," Zombie Turkey whispered. "You'll only make it worse if you struggle."
Megan screamed and punched him in the beak.
Zombie Turkey sighed. "Why does everyone always struggle?"
Definitely Not Evil Man noticed Zombie Turkey. "Hey!" he yelled, pulling out his gun. "YOU WERE THE REASON NEVER GOING TO BE CLOSE TO HOW EVIL EVIL MAN WAS WAS IN FRONT OF THE CAR'S PATH! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"
Zombie Turkey immediately ran away, dragging Megan away with him.
Definitely Not Evil Man rolled his eyes. "I have got to learn to stop telling people I'm about to kill them. For some reason, it always makes them panic!"
"Hey!" Chris yelled, pounding on the glass. "Definitely Not Evil Man! The most trustworthy and totally not evil person in the world! Let me out!"
Definitely Not Evil Man smiled and shook his head. "Um, how about no."
"Wha- Definitely Not Evil Man, stop joking around! Help me get out of here."
Definitely Not Evil Man laughed. "Well, Chris, first there's something you should know. My name isn't Definitely Not Evil Man.
"It's Evil Man."