|The Adventures Of Poop Man And His Crazy Friends
Author: Courage of Billy Batson PM
My novel for NaNoWriMo. When Chris gets superpowers, he gets his totally insane friends to help him kill evil people. But what happens when the evil people are actually evil?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,039 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-11-13 - Published: 11-30-11 - id: 2975543
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Chapter Where Adriana Finally Has Something To Do Besides Kill People And Turn The Survivors Into Emo Radioactive Monsters And The Emo Radioactive Monsters Into Even More Emo Radioactive Monsters
Adriana walked up to Eviler Than Evil Man. His face was obscured by shadows, so she couldn't see it.
"Uh, yeah, that's sort of the meaning of obscured." Internet Troll said.
SHUT UP! NO ONE LIKES YOU, INTERNET TROLL!
"I told Evil Man that Never Going To Be Even Close To How Evil Evil Man Was's killer is still alive." Adriana said.
"And why would you do that?" Eviler Than Evil Man asked.
"To prove to you that he's blinded by his love for Never Going To Be Even Close To How Evil Evil Man Was." Adriana replied. "He's lost any chance at being evil again."
Eviler Than Evil Man nodded. "And, you want me to…"
"Let me kill him." Adriana clarified. "I should be the only one working for you. He has no right to be in your employment."
Eviler Than Evil Man nodded. "So… in other words, you want to kill someone for a job that doesn't pay and will most likely end up with you in jail or dead?"
"Uh, yeah! Don't you know me?"
"True…" Eviler Than Evil Man sighed. "Fine. But only if you get me some doughnuts on your way back. Get those doughnuts that like, have chocolate on them, but aren't made of chocolate, and taste SO GOOD! You know those kind?"
Adriana rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I'm gonna go and kill people. BYE!" With that, she ran out happily.
"She seems uncontrollable…" Eviler Than Evil Man mused to himself. "At least Evil Man will do what I say…" He walked over to a giant button mounted on the wall.
HE PUSHED THE BUTTON!
OH MY GOD! WHAT DOES THE BUTTON DO? DID IT BLOW UP THE ENTIRE WORLD? DID IT KILL EVERYONE? WELL, I DON'T FEEL THAT DEAD, SO IT PROBABLY ISN'T THOSE TWO…
Adriana quickly hid behind a tree, hoping Evil Man hadn't noticed her. She was tailing him out on the sidewalk, waiting until he was alone so she could kill him without any witnesses.
An old lady walked up to her and saw where Adriana was staring. The old lady gasped. "Young lady, why are you stalking that fine gentleman?"
Adriana blanched and turned around to look at her. "Uh, no, I'm not stalking him. Well, I sort of am… but not in that way!"
"Give that poor man his space!" the old lady lectured. "It's because of girls like you that all good looking girls like myself are all characterized as sluts!"
"Yeah…" Adriana said sarcastically. "Because you're so good looking…"
"Why, thank you." the old lady said, flipping her hair back. "But you should back off the poor man! Let him live his life! He could never love you! You are way too ugly!"
With that, she walked away towards Evil Man.
"Oh, hell no." Adriana muttered, pulling out a rifle. Screw witnesses, she was going to give that bitchy old lady what she deserved.
Then she realized what the old lady was saying to Evil Man.
"Hey there, sexy," she said in a seductive voice. "Want to go back to my place?"
"Uh… no." Evil Man replied, trying to walk away.
The old lady followed. "But… I'm everything a guy could want! I'm sexy and I have big boobs!"
"Um, you have neither of those." Evil Man pointed out.
The old lady scoffed. "Are you kidding? I am super sexy! The only reason that you can't see that I'm sexy is that you must be gay! Where's your boyfriend, gaywad? You're gayer than Liverachi! You are such a FAGGOT!"
Wait… you mean… like a date?
And that's what I call a perfect date!
And so I grabbed the bear by the throat, looked him in the eye, and said, 'Bear, you have until the count of zero to put some pants on and apologize to the president!' And uh, that's the story of how I got elected to Pakistan's parliament.
NO YOU IDIOT I'M A F*CKING GUY!
Evil Man tried to stop the flood of memories of Voldy, but it was too much. Suddenly, he flashed back to the time they had first met…
The seventies. Pretty much characterized by disco and "getting funky". Because of this, Evil Man was at a disco party, getting funky.
Suddenly, the DJ stopped playing the awful song that everyone was dancing horribly to and grabbed the mike. "Well, apparently the reason this party is even in existence has finally come! Say hello to the benefactor of the night- Never Going To Even Be Close To How Evil Evil Man Was!"
Voldy walked in, and all talking ceased. Everyone was staring at his nose- or, well, lack of one. Voldy started to hunker down, feeling awkward, then straightened up and started to walk forward.
He met no eyes, staring straight forward at something- or someone. He stopped at Evil Man and held out his hand. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.
Everyone in the room gasped dramatically. Evil Man started to reply, then looked around, seeing everyone's reaction to Voldy asking a guy to dance.
"Sorry," Evil Man replied. "I'm not gay. But why don't you ask Justin Beiber?"
"Oh right, he hasn't been born yet… thank god." Evil Man said, laughing a little. He started to walk past Voldy, but whispered into his ear, "Meet me in the hotel next to here in half an hour." He walked away and out the door.
Evil Man shook his head, as if trying to dislodge the memory. He glanced at a clock and realized that the flashback had taken about ten hours.
"DAMN IT!" Evil Man whined. "I MISSED MY "How To Balance Being A Super Villain And Being A Stay At Home Dad"! And I'm the only one taking it, so it matters if I miss it!"
Because he was so mad, he pulled out a gun and killed the old lady.
"Hey!" Adriana yelled, coming out from her hiding spot. "I was going to kill her!"
Evil Man stared at her. "Adriana? What are you doing here?"
"Uh… nothing…" Adriana said. "Um, let's just pretend that I was never here…" She hid back in the alley.
Adriana thought about what she had seen. When Evil Man had been having his flashback, she had delved into his mind. What she had seen their worried her.
He had really loved Never Going To Be Close To How Evil Evil Man Was. As in, that stupid true love stuff that you hear in fairy tales that doesn't actually exist. When he had died, he had taken it hard. She had searched for emotion, but… she couldn't find any besides anger. The anger was like a wall, keeping back all of the hurt and grief that needed to come out.
Then she realized that she was trying to kill him, so all of that stuff really didn't matter.
AW, ADRIANA, YOU ALMOST CARED FOR SOMEONE! I THINK I'M GOING TO CRY!
Evil Man walked into the building he had been trying to get to. He was meeting with someone who was very good at finding people.
The room was dark, so he couldn't see anything. He figured that it was because the person he was meeting with liked dramaticness, which is definitely a word, and dark rooms were very dramatic.
Also, he was a vampire. And not those stupid sparkly angsty Twilight vampires- I'm talking about real, die if they get in sunlight or get stabbed by a wooden stake. Yeah, I know you have no idea what I'm talking about. Just read Dracula.
Okay, you've read it? Good. Now you know that all vampires aren't sparkly, supermegafoxyawesomehot, angsty, or fall in love with really bad actors. They're ruthless killers who have no soul, conscience, or humanity, and won't hesitate to rip your throat out.
"Hello?" Evil Man called out. "Are you here?"
"Hello…" a voice whispered from behind him. "Why are you here again?"
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "Stop with the dramatics. I know it's you, Vampire Man."
Vampire Man sighed and walked closer. "God, stop ruining my dramatic entrances! Do you know how long I worked on that one? I missed Dragon Tales for it!"
Okay, so maybe I was lying about the ruthless killer with no soul, conscience, or humanity, and won't hesitate to rip your throat out part. Just maybe.
"Look, I need you to find someone for me." Evil Man said.
"…and why would I do that?" Vampire Man asked.
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "If you do it, I'll pay for that new designer leather jacket you want."
"DEAL!" Vampire Man said immediately. "WHO DO YOU WANT ME TO FIND? I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THAT LEATHER JACKET!"
Yeah, I was totally lying about the ruthless killer with no soul, conscience, or humanity, and won't hesitate to rip your throat out thing.
Evil Man sighed. "I don't know its name. It was a turkey, but it was a zombie. It was really weird and stupid."
Vampire Man grinned. "You mean Zombie Turkey?"
"Okay, seriously? Zombie Turkey? That's his name! That is so freaking stupid!" Evil Man shouted. "What kind of mother names their kid Zombie Turkey?"
"What kind of mother names their kid Evil Man?" Vampire Man countered.
"A mother who hates her kid." Evil Man explained. "But that's not the point. Can you find Zombie Turkey or not?"
Vampire Man inhaled deeply, then exhaled. Then he inhaled. Then exhaled. Then he died. But he didn't because he's a vampire and he's freaking immortal.
"I can't find him here." Vampire Man finally said. "The smell of my dinner in the closet is confusing me. It smells exactly like Zombie Turkey."
"Why would your dinner smell like rotting flesh?" Evil Man asked, confused.
"Because it's dead bodies. Duh." Vampire Man said. "I mean, I am a ruthless killer who has no soul, conscience, or humanity, and won't hesitate to rip your throat out."
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Just find the god damn zombie."
"Uh, actually, it's a zombie turkey. There's a difference."
"I DON'T CARE!"
YOU REALLY SHOULD CARE, EVIL MAN. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IF YOU WANT TO SUCCEED IN LIFE. WELL, THEN AGAIN, YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS SUPER VILLAINS EVER, AND EVEN YOUR NAME SAYS YOU'RE EVIL… I GUESS YOU'RE DOING PRETTY WELL, AREN'T YOU?
HE PUSHED THE BUTTON!
A hidden screen suddenly lit up, revealing a sexy dude. Eviler Than Evil Man smiled.
"Hello. I have a job for you."
The sexy dude groaned. "Another? Seriously? Why do you always call on me? Don't you have some other super amazing killer assassin person thing who works for you?"
"Why do I always call on you?" Eviler Than Evil Man mused. "Well, it's because you're…
"Sexier Than Sexy Man."