|The Adventures Of Poop Man And His Crazy Friends
Author: Courage of Billy Batson PM
My novel for NaNoWriMo. When Chris gets superpowers, he gets his totally insane friends to help him kill evil people. But what happens when the evil people are actually evil?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,039 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-11-13 - Published: 11-30-11 - id: 2975543
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Chapter Where I Use The Chapter Title To Apologize About The Last Chapter And It's Awfulness. It Was Horrible Because I Have Been Fighting Off A Horrible, Incurable Disease Which Is Known Commonly As Writer's Block.
Chris stared at the glass walls that stopped him from escaping. He groaned and punched the dome.
Cracks spread around the entire dome. A few seconds later, the entire thing shattered.
"You know, I probably should have tried that after I breathed on it and I made a giant window." Chris muttered to himself. Suddenly, all of the betrayal and hurt flooded down onto him. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" he yelled at thin air. "WE'VE KNOWN EACHOTHER FOR ABOUT TWENTY DAYS! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?" He fell to the ground, crying.
After a while, he picked himself up. "Well, at least I know where Evil Man's been this entire time." Chris muttered. "But, I mean, how was I supposed to know that the person who I didn't know at all and randomly appeared and asked if he could be in our group and looked exactly like Evil Man was actually Evil Man? No one could have figured it out!"
He shook his head and walked out of the building. "He needs to be punished. He needs to feel how I felt when he betrayed me! Well, technically, he didn't betray me, because he was never good… Well, he needs to know how I felt when he betrayed me even though he didn't! REVENGE! Holy crap, I am turning into Adriana…" He shuddered. "But I still need to get revenge. Because all good super heroes need to get revenge and want to kill a super villain, and when they can actually kill him they don't because it's morally wrong." Chris started laughing. "Morally wrong? Morals don't exist anymore!"
OH, CHRIS. I THINK THAT'S THE SMARTEST THING YOU'VE SAID IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
Chris paced around his room, trying to think of a way to find Evil Man. He had probably gone into hiding after he had revealed himself to Chris.
Then Chris remembered that he had got an Evil Man Tracker for his tenth birthday.
Yeah, I know, it seems really convenient. But trust me, they were everywhere back then.
He dug it out from under the pile of his other past birthday presents, such as video games, socks, fire, guns (those were from Adriana), makeup, a stethoscope, a working wand from Harry Potter, vampire fangs, blood, and a Death Ray.
His birthdays were always interesting.
Finally, he found it. It was a small, rectangular box with a screen, showing a blinking red dot on a map. Chris took one look at it and rushed off. Then he ran back in, glanced at it again, realized it was upside down, turned it around, glanced at it, found a map, figured out what it meant, did a victory dance, accidentally destroyed his entire neighborhood, got arrested, killed all of the cops, and rushed off.
A few hours later, Chris was standing in front of a building. He walked in to find all of the lights off.
"Hello…" a voice whispered behind him.
Chris rolled his eyes. "Okay, I am seriously tired of all this dramatic stuff. Just turn on the light already!"
"NO!" the voice yelled. "DON'T YOU DARE TURN ON THE LIGHT!"
Chris started searching along the walls for a switch.
"I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU TURN ON THE LIGHTS!" the voice yelled. It sounded almost… scared. But of what?
Chris's hand suddenly hit what felt like a light switch. Grinning, he hit it.
About twenty rifles started shooting bullets in random directions.
"YOU IDIOT!" the voice yelled. "THAT'S THE WRONG SWITCH! TURN IT OFF!"
Shaken, Chris hit the switch and continued his blind search. Eventually, he found the right switch and hit it. The lights blinded him for a second, but soon his eyes adjusted. As he looked on, he saw one of the most strangest sights ever.
The voice was Vampire Man. And he was SPARKLING.
"Now do you see why I didn't want you to turn the lights on?" Vampire Man yelled.
Chris rolled his eyes. "Have you ever realized that there are millions of teenage girls who would totally do you if they knew you were a sparkly vampire?"
Vampire gasped. "Really?" He started to grin, but then stopped. "Wait… I'm thirty three."
"Yeah, and that's why it's perfect!" Chris pointed out.
"I'm not a freaking pedophile!" Vampire Man yelled.
"Uh, yes you are. You're like a hundred and eighteen and you date and marry an eighteen year old girl." Chris said.
"Okay, can we please stop with the Twilight jokes?" Vampire Man asked.
"Um, you're a sparkly vampire. That's pretty much the only thing we can talk about." Chris said, rolling his eyes. "But for now, let's change the subject. I'm looking for Evil Man. Do you know where he is?"
Vampire Man sighed and gazed off at nothing dramatically. "No. He left me all alone."
"…and you really think that it's possible not to make a Twilight joke while you're here." Chris said flatly. "However, since none of the jokes I'm making are funny at all, just tell me where I can find him."
"Were you not paying attention?" Vampire Man asked, turning back to him. "I have no idea!"
Chris rolled his eyes and pulled out one of the guns that Adriana had given him for his birthday. Before, he had carried it around because he had thought it was deodorant. But after he had tried to put some under his armpits and shot himself, he learned that it shot out bullets. He still wasn't sure what bullets were, but he was pretty sure they were a type of flower.
And everyone knows vampires hate flowers.
Vampire Man rolled his eyes. "Um, hello, vampires are immortal. We can't die!"
Chris smiled. "Yes, but you can feel pain. And I know how much flowers hurt you."
"Well, yeah, we can feel pain, but- wait, did you say-"
Chris pulled the trigger a bunch of times, bullets spraying everywhere.
"AH!" Vampire Man yelled, dropping to the floor. "THIS HURTS SO MUCH!"
"Wow, those flowers really are pretty!" Chris said, grinning. "So now are you going to tell me where he is?"
"I TOLD YOU! I DON'T KNOW!" Vampire Man yelled, writhing in pain. He paused, thinking. "Hm. Turns out vampires can die!"
He fell over, dead.
Chris rolled his eyes. "People need to get stronger skin. I mean, they're getting killed by flowers!"
He sighed and started looking around the room. He figured he might be able to find some clues to where Evil Man was.
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?" Vampire Man yelled. "I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!"
"You're dead, shut up." Chris said, not even looking over at Vampire Man.
"Fine! God! Stop being so uptight!" Vampire Man said, dying again.
Chris rolled his eyes and opened a drawer, only to find it full of blood. He glanced around, then quickly pocketed it.
What? Blood is an amazingly good, healthy substitute for doughnuts!
Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. Chris ran to the lights and turned them off.
Evil Man opened the door and walked in.
"Hello? Vampire Man?" Evil Man asked. "I know you're here, because there's no way that you got killed by my mortal enemy who hates me even more now and is trying to find me and would most likely come here first!"
"Uh… yeah, that's totally ridiculous…" Chris said, laughing nervously. "I mean… uh…"
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "Look, it's me, Evil Man. You don't have to pretend you're not who you are. I know what you are."
"Uh…" Chris suddenly figured out exactly what Vampire Man would say.
"Say it." he whispered dramatically. "Say it out loud."
"You're Nicki Minaj." Evil Man declared.
Chris rolled his eyes. "Yeah. That's it."
"Look, you told me that Zombie Turkey was in Turkey. But he wasn't!" Evil Man said.
Chris sighed. "I told you that he was a turkey, not that he's in Turkey! God, you're stupid."
"Look, just tell me where he is and I'll leave." Evil Man said.
"First, tell me where your hideout is." Chris countered.
"But… you already know." Evil Man said, confused.
"TELL ME OR I SWEAR I'LL USE A SLINKY ON YOU!" Chris yelled.
"OKAY! OKAY! I'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST DON'T USE THE SLINKY!" Evil Man yelled in fear. "IT'S UNDERGROUND, AND THE ENTRANCE IS AT THE PROPHECY OF THE LOSER!"
"Okay, what the hell is the Prophecy of the Loser? Sounds sort of like Adam."
"But… it is about Adam!" Evil Man said, confused. "Wait a minute…" He walked over to the wall and hit a switch. A bunch of rifles shot, and he immediately turned them off. He walked over to the other switch and turned it on.
The light revealed Vampire Man's sparkling dead body- and nothing else.
Outside, Chris was running away from the building. Only then did he realize that he could've just shot Evil Man and have been done with his revenge.
EVEN MORE CENSORING, EVEN MORE CENSORING, EVEN MORE CENSORING
Chris walked into the library and sat down at one of the computers. He would've used his, but apparently burning laptops isn't the same as using a firewall.
He looked up the Prophecy of the Loser. He clicked on the first hit, which was a newspaper article about someone finding the second half of it.
So, yeah. Remember that Prophecy of the Loser that people found and everyone agreed it was stupid? A second part was found.
So… yeah. That's pretty much it.
Chris rolled his eyes and went to Google Maps and searched, 'Prophecy of the Loser'. A hundred different possible places came up, including a restaurant, a porn site, a funeral home, a gun store, a sports team, a cell phone company, and Evil Man's hideout.
Chris clicked on the last one. It showed the location of his hideout.
He grinned. "YES!" He started dancing around the library, but before his dance could accidentally kill everyone, a librarian pulled out a gun and pointed it at him.
"BE QUIET IN THE LIBRARY!" he yelled. "I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOOT YOU IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP!"
Chris rolled his eyes and covered the librarian with poop. "Yeah, that's right, I haven't forgotten that I have superpowers, even though I haven't used them in like ever!"
Chris walked out, grinning. Man, had he shown that librarian! Now all he had to do was kill Evil Man and have some giant, dramatic twist that will make everyone gasp in shock and then Chris will end up triumphant and grin and then make out with some hot girl and everyone will be happy.
Wait, did he just summarize the rest of the entire book? Crap…