|The Adventures Of Poop Man And His Crazy Friends
Author: Courage of Billy Batson PM
My novel for NaNoWriMo. When Chris gets superpowers, he gets his totally insane friends to help him kill evil people. But what happens when the evil people are actually evil?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 46,039 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 05-11-13 - Published: 11-30-11 - id: 2975543
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Chapter Where Adriana Does Stuff And Kills A Bunch Of People, And Zombie Turkey Gets Revenge For Thanksgiving
Zombie Turkey walked into a grocery store. Ignoring the stares of other customers, he walked over to the turkey aisle.
"Rise, my fellow warriors!" he called out. "The humans think that they can eat us whenever they want! Well, we're here to prove them wrong! Well, actually, you guys are here because they're right… but that's not the point! Let us overthrow the humans and take back what isn't rightfully ours!"
The turkeys all sat on their racks, still dead.
Zombie Turkey rolled his decaying eyes. "Fine! You won't have to kill Taylor Swift."
All of the turkeys jumped up except one.
"Or Taylor Lautner." Zombie Turkey added. He turned to a turkey beside him. "We're totally going to kill Taylor Lautner." he whispered.
The last turkey jumped up and walked behind him. Zombie Turkey grinned and raised his gun in triumph. "WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" he yelled.
"Um, excuse me sir, but will you be paying for those turkeys?" asked the manager, running up to them.
"Um, were you not just paying attention? I literally just said that we were going to get revenge on humans for eating us. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK?"
The manager winced. "Um. Well, I, um…"
"Here's two hundred bucks." Zombie Turkey said, pulling out his wallet and giving him the money.
The manager nodded and started to scurry off in fear. "Wait!" Zombie Turkey called out. "I was thinking that you could get the amazing opportunity to be our first victim in our crusade for revenge!"
The manager broke out into a grin. "Really? Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening! This is so exciting! Thank you so much!" He started jumping up in excitement. "Oh my god, this is really happening! THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!"
Zombie Turkey rolled his even more decayed eyes and shot the manager. The manager fell to the ground, blood pouring out of his wound like blood pouring out of a wound.
I know, my comparisons are amazing.
"Oh, wow… this is so awesome…" the manager whispered before dying.
Everyone in the store paused in shock. Then they all started to cheer.
"YAY! HE FINALLY DIED!"
"THAT MEANS EVERYTHING'S FREE!"
"I LOVE FREE THINGS!"
"ME ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT POINT PI!"
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS POINT PI!"
"I KNOW! I'M TOO EXCITED TO THINK! OH MY GOD, CONDOMS!"
Zombie Turkey stopped listening to them and turned back to his army of undead turkeys. "Okay! So! First order of business! What the hell are you guys? I mean, you're dead, but you're not super decayed like me, so you aren't a zombie, and you don't have pointy teeth, so you're not a vampire, thank god… what are you?"
One of the turkeys stepped forward. "We are something much greater than vampires or even zombies. We are… TAYLOR SWIFT FANS!"
Zombie Turkey gasped. "Oh my god! Taylor Swift fans? But I thought you were all undercover cops!"
The turkey shook his head. Well, technically, it didn't have a head, but if it did have a head, it would've shook it. "No. All undercover cops are Taylor Swift fans. But all turkey Taylor Swift fans are gods!"
Zombie Turkey gasped again. You know, a lot of people have gasped in this story. "Wait. You mean that my soldiers could easily rebel against me and kill me if they wanted to?"
"Yes." the Taylor Swift turkey fan answered.
"Okay, cool. Good thing that won't happen. I mean, it's not like that was foreshadowing for some stupid twist that you guys are all eviler than me and you'll rise up against me and kill me! Why would anyone think that?"
OH MY GOD, TURKEY TAYLOR SWIFT FANS? WELL, WE'RE DOOMED.
Evil Man looked around. He had been looking for Voldy's killer everywhere he could think, and right now, he was standing in the middle of some desert.
He was very thorough.
Adriana was tailing him, hoping he didn't notice. Although, it was a desert, so it was really hard to hide. At the moment, she was wearing a sand dress and hoping to blend in with her surroundings. She would have described it as very Gaga.
She walked slowly, trying not to make any noise. Suddenly, a giant polar bear ran up to her and roared.
What? So Lost can have polar bears on a tropical island but I can't have one in a desert? What is this?
Evil Man turned around quickly. "Adriana?" he asked. "I thought since you said to forget that I saw you that I didn't see you, but… I did! This is so shocking!"
Adriana rolled her eyes and pulled out a gun. "Look, I got sent to kill you. So, I'm going to kill you, but I'll also drag out the moment so it will be more dramatic even though it gives you more time to overpower me."
Evil Man sighed. "Why are you here? Weren't you the one to tell me that Never Going To Be Even Close To How Evil Evil Man Was's killer alive? And man, we need to give him a nickname."
Adriana rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right. No one even knows who killed him! And how could anyone survive an EXPLOSION? I mean, it's literally a ball of fire. You'd have to immortal to survive!"
"…or a turkey…" Evil Man muttered, suddenly realizing who the killer was.
"What? Okay, that makes no sense AT ALL." Adriana said.
"No, you don't understand! There's this turkey that's a zombie! He could've survived that!" Evil Man said excitedly.
"Okay, first of all, were you not just paying attention? He didn't survive!" Adriana pointed out. "Secondly, I'm about to kill you, so none of this matters!"
Evil Man shook his head. "I know it's him! It has to be him! Or else… I've failed him…"
He suddenly stood incredibly still without moving. Adriana groaned and rolled his eyes. "Great. Another flashback." she said, delving into his thoughts.
Half an hour after Evil Man had left the party, he was pacing around the lobby of a hotel. Would he come? Probably not. After all, why would someone like him like a guy like Evil Man? I mean, he had no freaking nose! There was no way. He just had too much class.
Suddenly, the revolving doors swung around and Voldy entered. "So what's all this secrecy about?" he asked, glancing around. Literally no one was there. Evil Man had killed the man sitting at the desk, and since pretty much no one went there, it was totally empty.
Evil Man walked over to him, grinning. "You came!" he said, surprised. "I was sure you wouldn't."
Voldy sighed. "Just tell me what this is about."
Evil Man sighed. "Look. I've heard about you in magazines. I mean, Entertainment Weekly named you as the number one hottest gay rich person who was rich because he owned a sock company and had no nose! So, I was thinking that, if you were groovy with it, maybe we could, you know… date?"
"But… you totally rejected me at the party." Voldy said, confused. "You said you weren't gay!"
"I know, but I just… there were so many people there!" Evil Man tried to explain. "They were all making fun of you, and I just… I couldn't! I already get so much hate and it's so hard to cope!"
"Wait. Why does everyone hate you?" Voldy asked.
Evil Man sighed. "I might sort of be one of the most evil super villains in the world."
Voldy gasped. "Wait. You mean you're… PIKACHU?"
"NO, YOU IDIOT! I'M EVIL MAN!"
"Oh." Voldy paused. "Seriously? Well, that's stupid."
"But- don't you hate me for being evil?" Evil Man asked, confused.
Voldy laughed. "No! I mean, I'm an evil villain too! You might have heard of me? Never Going To Be Even Close To How Evil Evil Man Was?"
Evil Man shook his head. "Uh, sorry, never heard of you."
Voldy rolled his eyes. "Typical." he muttered. "Whatever. Look, I would love to date you, but I can't. If you date someone in the closet, you have a closet relationship. And closets are really tiny. I mean, I can barely move around in my closet!"
Evil Man nodded and glanced down. "Of course." Suddenly, he got an idea and straightened up. "Hey, my boss was looking for a new recruit." he said. "Do you want to join our Totally Incredibly Completely Wholeheartedly One Hundred Percent Perfectly-"
"WILL YOU JUST GET TO THE END ALREADY?" Voldy yelled.
Evil Man rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll skip the two billion other synonyms of completely and get to the last part. Evil Group of Evil?"
Voldy sighed. "Sorry. I like to work alone." He turned around and started to walk away. At the door, he paused and turned around. "If, sometime, you can accept yourself, I'll be here. Well, unless I die. Man, that would suck!" With that, he walked out.
Adriana pulled herself out of Evil Man's mind."Okay… that was weird… and random…" she muttered. "I mean, all it was was Never Going To Be Even Close To How Evil Evil Man Was rejecting Evil Man! I mean, that's what everyone would have done! Who would ever want to date him?"
"Um, I'm right here." Evil Man said. "I am literally standing right next to you."
"Oh, I know." Adriana said dismissively. "Wait a minute! Why do I keep forgetting that I'm trying to kill you! Where's my gun?"
"I have it." Evil Man said quietly, pulling out her gun from his pocket.
"Wha- okay, you are REALLY good at pick pocketing." Adriana said.
She noticed that his hand was trembling. She smiled. "You won't do it." she said confidentially.
Evil Man shook his head violently. Adriana could have sworn she saw a tear fall. "SHUT UP!" he yelled, shaking the gun. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF! I have killed more people than you can count on one finger!"
"OH MY GOD THAT'S SO MANY! I'M SO TERRIFIED!" Adriana yelled, shaking in fear.
"I have killed the one person who has ever cared for me." Evil Man said quietly. Okay, that was definitely a tear. HAHA, YOU'RE EVIL BUT YOU STILL CRY. LOSER!
Adriana knew what she had to do. She dived into his mind, searching for the memory he was talking about. Soon, she found it.
Evil Man was pounding on the door with all of his might. Eventually, he stopped smashing on it. He turned to the wall and punched it angrily. He happened to hit the doorbell in the process.
Justin Beiber's 'I Will Never Say Never' rang through the hallway in the hotel.
"Okay, seriously?" Evil Man said, annoyed."That song doesn't even exist! Way to be consistent with the time period!"
The door opened to reveal Voldy in a bathrobe. His eyes widened when he saw Evil Man. "What are you doing here?" he asked in fear.
"You've been making quite a name for yourself lately." Evil Man said quietly, pulling out a gun. "My boss doesn't like that. He says that you have two choices- join him or die."
Voldy shook his head. "Never. I will NEVER join him!"
"But I thought you would never say never!" Evil Man said in confusion. "Whatever. Prepare to die."
"WAIT!" Voldy yelled, scrambling away. "Didn't you say that you love me? Well, then, prove it! Stop working for Eviler Than Evil Man! Be your own person! You can do it! Maybe we could even work together!"
Evil Man laughed bitterly. "Of course. The only way we could ever date is if I'm trying to kill you. Besides, I can't leave him. Unlike you, I wasn't raised with everything and a gold bar. My parents hated me. They thought I was the devil's spawn!"
"W- why would they think that?"
"The devil told them I was his spawn. But that's not what's important! When I had no one, Eviler Than Evil Man was there for me. He took me in. He saved me! He is the closest thing I had or ever will have to a father!"
"I can help you! I can be there for you! You don't need to kill me! You don't-"
A single tear dripped down Evil Man's cheek. He turned around and never looked back.