Chapter One

In this grey world where silence is rewarded with not much more than speaking (a very long wait, either filled with awkward silence, or awkward and irritated silence), I sit with my legs crossed and eyes closed, waiting for my name to be called. Though I've been here for slightly more than 45 minutes past my appointment time, I've decided I'll make this an awkward-only silence, rather than one with an agitated mood tagging along. Fucking dentist.

Ugh, just thinking about the little drills and suckers they use is making me want to vomit. Thank God I'm just here for a cleaning! In all my 15 years of life I have never had more than one cavity; my first visit to Dr. Doug cured me of that, for sure.

The woman across from me in this dingy, too-white waiting room is staring. I wonder if she grew up motherless - she certainly has no manners. Then again, if I were her I might be staring at me, too... I guess I do look slightly odd with my hair bright pink, but in my defense that's the only thing that's really weird. I mean, the cut of my hair is normal: lower than the shoulders, higher than the boobage area, side-split with bangs sweeping to the right. I like it. It's all the women around here who are stupid about it. They think it's a sign of teenage rebellion or some shit, I don't know what. I wish I could take a sharpie and write all the things that they're wrong about on their foreheads. Remind them of their poor knowledge every time they look in the mirror. Unfortunately, they're all so obsessed with their curves and fatty-rolls that they don't spend much time looking at the area sitting on their necks; a reasonable theory for why half the women you see walk around with eyeliner up to their hairline. Not that I'm against the cat-eye look.. but c'mon, let's not go to extremes.

Back to the topic, or maybe sub-topic, of the dingy waiting room. I can see a spider at the top of the corner facing me and off to the left, right above the Desk Lady. I can't tell from here what kind it is, but it's definitely brown and fuzzy. Bigger than a quarter. Oops, I guess its ears were burning (do spiders have ears?), because now its headed down the wall. It just jumped on her shoulder and it's edging up her neck. What the hell kind of spider is this? I thought spiders were scared of people... Desk Lady is for sure scared of them... I hope no one noticed me cover my ears just now...

Wow. That was the most exciting part of my day so far. Go figure.

To the right of Spider Lady (I've decided her original first name didn't suit her, and seriously, who wants to be called 'Desk', anyway?), is a big green door, like the wrapper of the green Now and Laters. Next to that is a big grey door, like an ill person took a dump and smeared it all over. The green door is standing open and it clearly leads to the Children's Room; I don't think any 'adult' wants to stare at the Power Puff Girls while inhaling nitrous. Ha.

Speaking of the Power Puffs, I love it when Bubbles says to Buttercup, "You NINNY!" It's a shame she only does it in one episode.

Yes, I know their names. The Power Puff Girls are beast.

"Elaine Whinder?" Oh goody, it's my turn. We're off to see the dentist, the drill-happy dentist named Leah, I think to the tune from the Wizard of Oz.

{I have to use their stupid gas every time, no matter what they're doing, due to my phobia of dental equipment...}

Now, I'm out on the sidewalk again, and I feel like what I imagine a turd feels like after being squeezed out: used, abused, and groggy.

Anyway, I'm standing on the sidewalk. Which you knew already, but I like wasting your time (jk). I know you want to know what happened at the dentist, so I'll explain it like this: Dr. What's-her-face told me I need braces. One K-9 is turned slightly to the left, so it's partially facing you. Big deal. The dentist is a fucking idiot.

My house is a couple of blocks away from our dentist. Okay, maybe a couple blocks is an understatement. It's actually like two miles away. And I'm walking. Again. You see, we don't have a car. My mother says it's because driving is scary and she doesn't want to put herself through the stress. I'm pretty sure that's bullshit; Mom could run with the bulls and have no anxiety whatsoever. In truth, I think it's because she rides with societies' views on fat people. And my mother is just a little out there.. Sometimes I could swear I don't know where she came from. So we walk, everywhere. Well, it's more like she takes the bike, and I walk. But it's all good, I don't mind walking. I think walking frees the mind from outside perils so you can focus on the important stuff in your life. Sometimes. However, right now I'm using the opportunity to assess my situation.

It is highly unlikely that my mother is home. It is highly unlikely that I will have anything worth-while to do at my house. So okay, don't go home.. Right? What else can you do?

I take an unjustified right down an alley.

Ah hah! Idea! I don't have to do anything at all. I'll just walk. Pointlessly. Aimlessly. Maybe I'll run into an adventure… Wishful thinking, but hey. Fuck it. All the greats started with wishful thinking. Axl Rose, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Bettie Page. Fuck it.

I come to another intersection of possible routes, and this time I don't pay attention to which one I choose. In fact, I purposefully close my eyes, spin in a circle and start walking. This plan seems great until I run into the corner of a building.. But it still gets me a direction, and I follow it for about an hour before something starts nagging at the edges of my brain. Not only am I in a totally unknown-to-me neighborhood, I also have to pee. Badly.

What does one do in a situation like this? Knock on the doors of strangers with the line, "Hey, can I use your can?" This sounds outrageous to me.. But I'm seriously fearing the bursting of a certain internal organ.

I take ten more exaggerated steps down the sidewalk, and turn onto the driveway of the baby blue house I've landed myself in front of.

The thought well, here goes nothing dances across my mind as I knock, and dissipates before my hand is back at my side. I'm nervous to see what kind of person will be standing behind this door, and I keep picturing a big, hulking biker-type, with a long, bushy grey beard and a tattoo of a dragon snaking down his arm. My knees are starting to shake involuntarily, and I'm about ready to turn around when the door opens.

I almost shoot out a cackle. There's a wide-eyed toddler staring up at me with an "I just poo-pooed my big boy pants" expression on the other side of the threshold.

"Umm, hi," I try. His eyes just get a little bigger. "Is your mom here?"

A nod. Well, that's progress, at least.

"Can you get her for me?" I don't know if I said the wrong thing or the right thing, but the kid is hauling balls down the hallway and out of sight. Then pops back up before I can blink, mom trailing.

"Can I help you with something?" She looks confused as all hell.

"Yeah, sorry. I just really need to find a restroom and I'm kind of lost." I've never heard myself sound desperate before.. It's unattractive on me..

"You can use our bathroom and then I'll help you figure out where you are."

"Thank you so much! You've no idea how much I appreciate this." I almost add what I'm thinking (what if I'm a psycho-killer?), but I catch the command before it reaches my mouth and instead just follow the overly-calm lady to her bathroom.

And then relief comes crashing in.

I finish my business and move to stand in front of the sink and mirror. Wash my hands.

Hmmm… You know, I was thinking she's crazy for letting me just waltz in here, but now looking at it in retrospect, she could be the psycho-killer. It might explain the eerie calmness.

I take a tentative step into the hallway, and am bombarded by arms, dragging me out the door. Ommigod she is a psycho-killer! But wait.. She's dragging me outside…

It's not even the mom. In fact, far from her. I struggle to look at my assailant from such a close distance, but the only thing I can really tell is that she's around my age. And she has a bright purple Mohawk.

"Um, hi there." Purple Mohawk just looks at me from her peripheral. I try again. "Where are you taking me?"

"To my leader."