This Letter is the Key to My Imminent Humiliation

Hola. Hello. Buenos dias. Guten Tag. Hey.

Ahem. Hi. I have something to tell you.
Just thought you should know, I kind of like you.
Sort of. A little bit.

Look, I know it's awkward. I know you probably don't like me back, but I've decided to be fearless.

Funny, right? Myself, the Queen of Flight response, being fearless.

Somewhere, someone is laughing at my expense.

I never really wanted to like you. My life has enough drama without mixing a relationship in.

Somehow, I'm willing to forget that.

This is one of the reasons I had to write this.

You are never supposed to see this. EVER. As-long-as-I-am-breathing-the-air-in-this-God-forsaken-world type of never. But you will, because I'm really stupid.

Sometimes, I feel invisible around you. But when you turn to talk to me, my heart does this weird jumpy thing and I wonder why.

I had an epiphany, you know. Didn't figure it out for a long time, but now I know what the jumpy thing is.

It's my fight-or-flight response.

I am so tired of running away. But at the same time, running away is safe.

I do not want anything to be (more) awkward between us. We're already sort-of-not-really frenemies. As you once said, you're my archenemy.

So, how did I end up liking you, in the name of all that is good and Holy?

Truth is, I have no freaking idea. I don't want to like you, okay? Yes, I know how bad that sounds, but it's true. I don't. But, as previously mentioned, I have no freaking clue why I'm even writing this.

I apologize for any grammar errors. Usually, I'm a grammar Nazi (ironic, considering the only class I have with you), but I don't really care at the moment.

Good Lord. If this ends up being as humiliating as I think it's going to be, I'm just going to change my name and move somewhere deep in South America. Pity it's too late for me to take Spanish… How do you say "Here, just take my money"?

So, if you want to bother responding, you know where I like. Which is creepy, but considering I know where you live, it's a pretty even level of creepiness. If you don't really give a schiße, please just burn after reading and never ever mention this to me. Or anyone else.

I'm already sort of a social pariah. I don't want to make my sucky social life even worse.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if you don't even want to talk to me after reading this, don't speak to anyone about it. Too many people think I'm some sort of awkward freak who doesn't know anything but the stuff she reads.

I'm sorry, but I had to do this. I'm tired of being scared.

(And anyway, I'm moving this summer. If this goes badly, I can always just unfriend all the people I know here and reinvent myself.)

Since I don't know how the proper wording for 'goodbye' goes in the key to public humiliation,

Bye.

Audrey.

A/N: Well, it's finally happened. I've developed a crush on someone I really shouldn't have developed a crush on. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph help me, I've really screwed up now.

The only reason I'm posting this online is so that someone – anyone, really – can read this. I'm too scared to actually give the handwritten copy to the guy, so I'm hoping that someone will read this and somehow give me enough courage to do it.

I'm such an idiot.

Right, well, I'm working on a new chapter of Dreamer, but I've hit a bit of a rough spot with my imagination, and no amount of Miracles of Modern Science can help me get out. I haven't put my inspiration playlist on repeat yet, but I'm considering it. Especially since my little sister is blasting Ke$ha in the room next to mine. The girl is only twelve, and she's had more boyfriends and been to more parties than I have. And she knows all the lyrics to "Dinosaur", which is not actually about dinosaurs. I was actually hoping it was, but then I remembered that it's sung by the same lady (and I use the term loosely) that makes questionable dental health choices by brushing her teeth with bottles of Jack Daniels.

I pity the poor dental hygienist who has to clean her teeth.

/Tangent.

Ugh. So basically what I'm asking of you as my dedicated (hah!) readers (I only know one of you actually exists) to help me through this time of trying teenage angst by telling me through PMs or reviews what you want me to do for Dreamer, and to offer me some sort of comfort on the topic of my upcoming humiliation and imminent destruction.

If I don't update within the next two and a half weeks, I'm probably still on a Ben & Jerry's binge.

Trust me; they are the only two guys that will never, ever leave you. Because you buy their ice cream and they like their mansions.

Also, I'll be listening to David Bowie singing "As the World Falls Down" and watching "Labyrinth" every single second of my day.

If you read all of this, God bless your soul.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Free