She gives me butterflies the size of aircrafts.

Small enough to fit in my pocket but big enough to cover my past.

Sometimes I think,

"Does she know I laughed when I was beat down instead of crying on the ground to deal with the the insanity that was life? That was me? Or that I had such a pretty voice until I lost it cause I lost hope so I screamed and screamed and screamed her name hoping she'd come find me and save me from those carpeted walls I called hell where I carved a scar on my arm with nothing but those walls and the walls turned into her and they screamed back.

"Stop it! Don't end it all! Don't let yourself fall off this pedestal they set you on cause then you'll lose. And you'll be losing everything. You'll lose me. And every bruise, every bruise on your body will be filled with my hot tottie tears trying to sear life back into your veins. A penny for your happy thoughts I'll lodge in your mechanical brain if only to later hear the sound of your kiss on my lips in the rain. Please, if not for yourself, then live for me today. "

So I stopped mid rug burn. before I hit a vein or a nerve and after I had the nerve to scream at my brain I want to live. This is why I give you my all. Because you gave me hope when I thought I'd fall. cause I remembered nothing from that horrible 2 year experience except my aunt calling and bawling that she missed me, but I didn't care about her because she's the one that kissed me like Judas kissing Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and God, I don't hate her now, but then she was my enemy. When she saw my apathy she sneered in my ear that you had called and at that very moment I'd fall even more in love with you.

Then after a year of her hearing and seeing for herself that you wouldn't relent, that my jailbars were bent by you she caved and gave me letters sent by you and put you on my contact list. I think that's the only time during those two and a half years I ever wanted to not slice my wrist to see the beautiful red life and trade in all my knives for a one way mirror to see only you and be just a little nearer.

You told me you missed me the first night we talked. It was only a few minutes, ten, fifteen max, but we packed so much meaning in that conversation that it left me barrel chested from the elevation in my heart and head.

Three years later we've made plans to live together in an apartment in the land of milk and honey. Cause honey, even if we had all the money in the world, it wouldn't buy a house in heaven. Or the thoughts my tired brain rests on as I fall asleep tonight.

One day I plan to make you my wife. Though we might go through hell, our wedding bells made out of hershey kiss shells will ring louder than the sounds of their screaming "GOD HATES FAGS!" outside our church. Fuck em, we'll make this work. And my kiss will rest on your lips sealing us together as time capsuls til we're old as dirt and no longer have to hurt from pain this world exerts upon us.