The Great Oxymoron

How can I better describe my relationship with the Lord

Than as the great oxymoron of my life?

I adore Him and I fear Him

I love Him and I hate Him

I know Him and I don't know Him

I want Him and I don't want Him

He is a monster

He is my only beloved Master

I want to give Him everything I want to give Him nothing

I desire His love and I don't desire His love

God loves me and He hates me

God cares for me and He cares not about me

God listens to me and doesn't listen to me

God wants me and He really doesn't want me

God knows me and He doesn't know me

God wants to help me and He doesn't want to help me

Confusing isn't it? It'd be no surprise if God turns me away in the end.