|Tiz Iz Da Bestist Storii Evar!
Author: RedX9 PM
Oh My God Story Bout Vampires And Stuff Like That.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,374 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 02-20-12 - id: 2998818
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: All right, now I got your undivided attention…let's begin! Sorry for misleading title. This is just a social experiment on how people react to stuff like this.
The night wasn't getting any younger and Betty was getting hopelessly lost in the woods with bruises all over her with no food and water. How did she get into the woods? Well she was hiking up the forest and stopped at the edge of a cliff. She took off her bags to admire the wonderful scenery that's overlooking the magnificent ochre skies. She then tripped on a pebble which sent her toppling into the uncharted forestry below her.
Well thank god for the canopies which broke her fall, she got up and stood there. I'm hurt; fuck my life. She said with a slightly trippy expression on her face before she let out a burst of powerful flatulence which ripped across the forest. An hour of brooding and crying over her bloodied bruises past before she decided to walk into the dark woods in the hopes of finding an open road.
Lester Mcfafart's heart was pounding. He could sense her presence in the woods. The girl was finally here. He was finally going to meet her. Lester stared at himself in the mirror. His hair was golden and gleaming like a million stars on the darkest of skies. His beautiful and wondrous eyes were devoid of colour. His pupils were of sickening red and yellow and pus was oozing out from them. The pus ran down from his eyes as if he wore too much yellow mascara. He started to sweat but his pores were blocked by his marble substance like skin. So he started to reek under his sweat. Fuck I'm too smelly! He cussed as he started to spray deodorant on his white and dead skin. She won't like him if he's too smelly.
This girl was special to Lester. A certain scent from her always drives him crazy, especially if it's mixed with burrito paste. He cannot wait for the girl to visit his humble abode.
Through the Cimmerian coppice, Betty tried to portage herself in the vicinity of the gibbous province as she oafishly depreciated onto the terra firma once in a blue moon.
That was when she saw it, this old run down house situated in the middle of the forest. Its aging wooden exterior moans with age, the area was dimly lit and wild vines forced themselves everywhere onto the dilapidated house. Betty's throat clicked, she had no choice but to stay here for the night. As least it will keep her safe from the dangers of the forest at night. She entered the house reluctantly.
"Oh my god Oh my god I am so like jumping with joy right now I couldn't stop jumping up and down". Lester exclaimed, his voice was an octave higher then it usual is. He was on the second floor so all Betty (which was on the ground floor) could hear was a series of bumps going on the second floor. Dust and dirt were swirling and spiralling downwards.
"Hello is someone there?" Betty yelled and the thumping stopped. She was getting worried; someone was definitely in the house. She walked into the front room carefully and before she knew it the front door shut behind her with a sheering strain. The sound of the door shutting behind Betty just made her blood freeze. Desperation took over the girl as she darted back, trying to knock down the door. This was turning into a nightmare as she felt that she was going to die inside this place. She yelled for the door to open as she started to pass her gas (she does that when she too nervous). Open the door! I don't want to die, please. Betty said in a monotone voice as she slowly sank down, sobbing for the next five minutes.
She slowly got up; the urge to live on suddenly burned strong in her. I'm going to be ok, I'm just walking to the couches to sleep and wait until sunrise and when sunrise comes, I'm getting the shit out of here! She slowly rose up; her confidence was gaining back stronger every second. There was no way she would be scared of some dark house in the middle of the forest. She proceeded to turn around.
"Hi" Lester said, right in front of her face. Betty just bailed like a siren, which caused Lester to bail like a siren as well. Betty covered her face as she turned back to face the door again and squatted into a ball. Her screeching stop as the place was intoxicated with the smells of digested burritos. Betty stopped screaming but she heard sounds of cowardice going on. She turned her head around to find the guy missing, cowering in a corner as well. Her wits started to increase slowly as she stood up. She was worried yet puzzled for the guy, what if this thing wanted to kill her but he was just faking it? Betty started to pity the man as she inched her way slowly to Lester who was still cowering by the way. Betty gritted her teeth as her hands grew out to touch the man from behind.
"Are you ok sir?" Betty touched his back. Lester's voice writhed in fear.
"Don't kill me please; I will be a good next time. Don't kill me please?" Lester rushed his words.
"Oh come on don't be shy, I'm not going to harm you." Betty gave a wry smile as Lester slowly turned his head around to meet the love of his life.
"You're not going to kill me?" Lester said meekly. Betty nodded. That instilled confidence back into Lester as he stood up and faced Betty.
The moment the both of them faced each other, there was a certain spark going on and it was unexplainable. They started to gaze at each other endearingly in the dark, admiring the facial features of each other. Both of their hearts were pounding with sheer ecstasy. Their eyes met as they started to sparkle.
"Wow, look at your amazing looking face. Your pus filled eyes and your marble like skin, you are perfect just the way you are. You are like a god-send coming to pick up a sweet maiden like me." Betty said with a half-dead voice. Lester smiled and he started to reek again.
"OH MY FUCKIN GOD LET'S HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW!" Betty moaned as her hormones could not stand the sheer Adonis in front of her anymore.
"No I can't, I'm a monster and you can't fall in love with me. If you could, please stay away from me!" Lester said as he started to close in and hug Betty. Betty hugged back, embracing this warm affection. What am I? Lester whispered to Betty as they continued to lock together in the dark room. How the fuck do I know? I can't even see you properly. Betty whispered back. Guess again don't be shy. Lester mumbled; after a deep thought Betty still couldn't figure out who he is. "Can we play twenty questions?" She said with a lifeless tone of voice, while trying to act cutesy at the same time.
"NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT, I'M A FUCKING VAMPIRE FOR FUCK'S SAKES YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!"
"But doesn't it matter; I love you because of your handsomeness." Betty said with happiness. She was happy that she finally found the love of her life. Lester shook his head hopelessly.
"But you can't, do you know what light does to me?" Lester started to shake. Betty shook her head like a little kid.
"Do you have a torchlight?" Lester asked as Betty miraculously found a torch-light in her pockets. The vampire told her to shine the torchlight at him as he took off his shirt to reveal a god like narcissus body. Aren't you allergic to light? Betty questioned Lester.
"JUST FUCKING DO IT!" Lester yelled. Betty lifted her shoulders and shone at the determined vampire. Lester brought out his arms as the light started to show reveal the reason to why he couldn't be in contact with light. He started to sparkle like millions of pretty shining diamonds.
"Oh wow, you're a disco ball. Can you spin please?" Betty said as she placed the flashlight on the floor while Lester started to spin in position. The room was illuminated with lights shot everywhere from Lester's body. Betty proceeded to dance and have fun until Lester started to groan. Betty stared at the writhing vampire as his back exploded and it sprouted a pair of giant butterfly wings.
"That's so cool; you're a fairy as well." She exclaimed as she stopped. "Wait if you're a vampire and a fairy, shouldn't you be called a fairpire?"
"Vamry, my mother's a vampire while my father's a fairy." Lester said shyly.
Betty laughed at she started to pass her gas again. Lester sniffed it and suddenly went crazy. This in turn stunned Betty.
"Dude what happened to you? You're freaking me out."
"That smell, such heaven it is to smell that. The smell of over pungent beans, it's amazing. " Lester started to shiver in delight.
"Dude you're attracted to my fart?"
"Especially when you're eating burritos, my love." Lester sounded hypnotising as he said that. Betty tried to remember and recalled that she indeed ate some burritos for breakfast. Gross! Betty stuck out her tongue in disgust.
"I also stalked you so that I can sniff your gas every day. Burritos are my favourite." Lester took out an article of clothing and began to sniff it. Betty widened her eyes, her mouth dropped so low it was almost reaching the ground.
"My…my underwear! You stole my underwear? For the love of god you paedophile! The love is over! I'm getting the hell out of here!" Betty yelled with extreme disgust.
As she turned her back, she found Lester in front of her, grabbing her arm. Her blood froze.
"Oh no way are you getting out of here sweetie, I know you love me. You're staying here for the rest of your life." Lester smiled at the now fearful Betty.
"HELP! HELP! A paedophile fairpire or vamry or zombie or whatever is trying to get me!" Betty started to scream.
Before the two of them knew it, the door burst open and out came a figure. Lester knew who he was and glared at the person. It was the forest ranger aka the werewolf. Jacko Blackie…Lester said with a vengeance.
"Halt you two." Jacko was starting to morph into a werewolf. "Lester I caught you red handed, you had been harassing this girl far enough. Now stand there while I KILL you!" the werewolf was on all fours and he pounced onto Lester. Lester knew he had nothing to fight off the werewolf but a death bite until he realised something. Overconfidence started to brim.
"Oh yeah come on mister. Betty had just shone me some light and I have absorbed it. You know what that means…" Worries started to come out from Jacko.
Without warning, Lester opened his shirt again so that his nipples could be seen; they were made of flat glass.
"Solar-beam attack!" Lester squeezed every ounce of strength he had as a pair of powerful beams of light blasted out from his nipples. The rays of light temporary blinded the werewolf as he covered his eyes.
"MY EYES, THEY BURN!" Jacko dropped onto the floor with a huge thud, rolling and writhing in pain. Lester found this opportunity and jumped onto the immobilized werewolf. He did the death bite onto Jacko as the furry being slowly died a wincing and blind death.
Lester slowly wiped his mouth with his hands before turning to look at Betty. "Now where were we?" He faced the determined girl who was now armed with a lighter (she finds the most convenient things in her pocket). "What are you doing Betty?" Lester said.
"Stay away or I'll kill you." Betty said, trying to threaten him. Lester looked at the harmless lighter and smirked. "Or else what, singe me with a lighter. He laughed before he sucked in some air. Betty started to undress, revealing her naked butt. "Fart is make out of methane isn't it." Betty said as Lester's eyes were bugged. He knew what was going to happened, her butt facing the desperate vampire with her lighter next to her ass.
"No, please anything but that my love!" He was now pleading in front of her.
"HASTA LA VISTA…BABIE." Betty voice deepened as she gave the loudest and smelliest gas attack she could ever give. The gas caught fire from the lighter and manifested into a flamethrower that smelled like burnt beans and chilli. It shot and engulfed Lester as he screamed in pain. The fire ate the vampire alive as he slowly reduced into a pile of ashes right in front of her.
"And that's how you kill a vampire." Betty said as she started to dress up again. She took her steps out of the dilapidated house. Just as Betty had walked out, a pilot wearing a parachute craved with the words "Haha you just got served. Sincerely Arthur Mckinley" on it dropped from the sky and mauled the surprised girl, killing her in an instant…
A/N: I really had fun doing this. Maybe a Justin Bieber chapter in the future? And who says this is a bashing towards twilight? This is clearly about a story between a girl, a vampire and love… and sadistic deaths. Also the pilot with the parachute isn't actually a random thing. Check out "insert tales of the whatever joke here" in my profile. Come on people that story needs some loving too!