Hey everyone! This is Bookwormvideogamer13 here with my first FictionPress story, I hope you all enjoy it. This is based off of"Betty Bowers Explains Tradtional Marriage to Everyone Else" so check that out if you want. :) "Welcome!" Bookwormvideogamer13 greets you as you walk on stage,in front of an audience. "Please have a seat," and you do as he gestures you too. "I'm so glad you could make it this fine evening. Today, I would like you to assist me on what is a very controversial topic: what is a biblical based marriage. As America's best Christian, I request you flip through the verses as I mention them, sound good? So I can explain biblical marriage to less informed Christians." You nod your head. "Great! Now let's begin, shall we? Ahem..." You mentally embrace yourself for a lot of page-turning. "Let us turn to Genesis , Adam and Eve had two children, both were male. So, you may ask yourself'If they were both male, where did the grandchildren come from?' and you're not going to like the Lord's reply. You see,a biblical based marriage is between one man, one woman, and the son she secudes after he kills his only brother. So far so good?" You nod your head, blinking a bit at the excerpt. "Good. Now let's see another, Abraham. He was the father of three faiths, (Christianity, Judaism, and Islam) two of them total rubbish,(Judiam, Islam) married his sister!Don't believe me? Check Genesis 16:3," and you are once again shocked at the truth of it. "The quote is'and Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram...and she became my wife.' And if that didn't make much sense,in a nutshell, slutty sister Sarai invited Abram to have sex with her maid, a woman named Hagar. What an apallingly butch name. So let's recap now... A Bible based marriage is between one man, and his sister...and the help!" You watch as Bookworm looks up at the sky and thrusts hs hands in the air" Goodness gracious Lord, the help? Doing the help?" He sighs as he outs his hands back on his knees. You watch a bit confused as Bookworm looks at you straight in the eye from his chair," I don't even speak to mine. Quick!" Your head snaps up as Bookworm speaks. "What's the lord's favorite way to punish a man who rapes an unmarried virgin?" You shrug your shoulders. "Anyone?", but the audience doesn't respond. A buzzer sounds as Bookworm says "Marriage!Go one, read...this quote right here," you are instructed. "Deuteronony 22:28-29 'Then the man that lay with her shall give fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife'..."you trail off. "Exactly! A biblical based marriage is between one woman, and her rapist!" You cringe as the audience gasps. "Remember how God turned a wife into a pillar of salt? Please inform us, guest, at Genesis 19:26." You flip through the pages and recite," 'But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt,"you mumble off. "Thank you," so a bible based marriage can sometimes be between one man and a kitchen condoment! Bon appetite!" A few audience members can't stop a chuckle,which gives them a couple glares. "So, what do you do if you run out of servants or close servants to marry?" Bookworm asks only to receive a couple shrugs. "Well the rather crafty Lord has a fabulous tip. Just drive over to the nearest town and murder EVERYONE who either has a penis, or has seen one! Now, please turn to Judges 21:7-23." You groan and reluctantly mumble," 'And they found among the inhabitants four hundred young virgans." "Thanks. Anyways, you just round up all the virgins who are left. Of course, you don't need a huge truck if you tried this in, let's say," and Bookworm thrusted his finger towards the screen above the stage," America," and the screen displayed Bristol Palin with her baby on a People magazine. So, a biblical based marriage is between a man and a gal who's kidnapped and raped after her father, mother, and slutty sister are slaughtered! Remember, in the bible, it's not rape if the man says 'I do!'" "Please turn to 1 Chronicles 3:1-9," Bookworm asks," everyone. You sigh and after flipping through yet more pages, you discover more unexpected information. Bookworm starts again. "King David had 8 wives, but he never got around to tallying his number of concubines! The Lord had David's concubines raped by his son because he was irritable over some drama concerning that trouble-making tramp whore ass Sheeva. So, a bible based marriage is between one man, a woman, another woman, a few more woman, an adulterer, and a packed of raped whores! But, it doesn't end there. In a show of one-upmanship, David's son, King Soloman, had SEVEN HUNDRED WIVES, as shown by 1 Kings 11:1." You turn to the verse and flatly state 'King Soloman loved many strange women.'" "Thanks. Anyways, he had 700 wives and because the Lord loves to round up, 300 hundred concubines, which totals 1,000 vaginas according to 1 Kings 11:3..." "'And he had seven hundred wives, and three hundred concubines.'" "So...a bible based marriage is between one man,and frankly enough booty to make a mormon compound seem QUITE understaffed. So, what do you do if you can't afford one wive,much less a pack of in-house hookers? Ask these bible verses!" You moan and continue Bookworm's rant. 1 Chronicles 2:34 'Now Sheshan had no sons, but daughters. And Sheshan had a slave, an Egyptian, whose name was Jarha.' "In short, Jesus and God adore slavery!" "'You may purchase the children of foreigners...You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance' Leviticus 25:44-46'Slaves, obey your earthly masters' Ephesians 6:5." "...WAH-LAH!" Bookworm exclaims."Problem solved. Let us recap. A bible based marriage is between one man, daddy's little girl, and the slave Daddy hires to rape her. Try getting a hallmark card for that! Now, thew whole concept of marriage apparently bored bachelor Jesus to tears. Other than encouraging his buddies to abandon their wives, all Jesus really saidon the subject was once you do it, that's it,no running off to Babylon to get a divorce...If you would please." "On it!" you exclaim, starting to follow Bookworm's path." 'It is good for a man not to marry'quote from the msteriously unmarried Apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 7:1. Matthew 19:9 Whosoever shall put away his wife...and shall marry another, committeth adultery.' 'And everyone that hath forsaken...wife or children for my name's sake,shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.' So, in a nutshell, this is what happened. Wife: have abandoned you for everlasting life per Matthew 19:29'" "Impressive!" Bookworm praised. "So, anyways, clearly, in the bible, you can have as many wives as you want, as long as you have them all at once."
"For example," you say," in 1 Timothy 3:2, Bishops, being the exception, were only allowed one wife-and who knows how many alter boys!" "Right!" Bookworm agrees. "So, let's recap on the Lord's idea of the perfect marriage! A bible based marriage is between: one man, his sister,and her rapist! Kitchen condoment, a gal who's kidnapped and raped, three more woman, an adulterer, and a pack of raped whores! SEVEN HUNDRED WIVES, three HUNDRED concubines, and the help! And a man who killed his brother...BUT! It is not between one man and another man, because, well, THAT would be immoral," and with that, you and Bookworm exit the stage,the audience clapping. I'm sorry, writing second person is really tricky for me, but did you like it? Hate it? Didn't understand it? Let me know! Peace!