|How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse
Author: Lolitroy PM
Reviews returned! Duff was on her sweet-sixteen when the undead attacked earth. Was she sad...? Nah! In a zombie apocalypse, you can make graffiti on libraries, throw apples at people... in other words, heaven. The only bad thing is the fact that you can't pee in peace...Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 13 - Words: 18,676 - Reviews: 193 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 05-01-13 - Published: 02-29-12 - id: 3001423
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
At the Bed Shop
There they are... those freaks think they can come and steal our home, right? Someone needs to... punish them.
My eyes shot open. I sat up, looking around with my eyes still begging for sleep. Where was I? Why was it so dark? Who had just spoken? WHO WAS THIS BOZO SLEEPING BESIDE ME? I was preparing to shriek and yell something stupid when everything rushed to my head like a waterfall hits ground. The Apocalypse. My birthday. The fire. The poop-eating zombies.
It hadn't been a dream!
I gasped, eyes wide but wailing for sleep. A couple minutes ago, everything had been fine. I was with my family and friends back at home, laughing and snacking and kicking three-headed dogs like we used to do. But as soon as I noticed that the pajamas I was wearing hadn't a power ranger on a motorcycle I realized I had been dreaming. And for the first time I thought about the idea that the life I had been living for the past sixteen years of my life had flown away and that everything I knew, from my grandma to my friends to my neighbor who had been on prison 'cuz he had a mutant whale for a pet, were gone. And for the first time since the end started, I cried.
You see the girl? Yes, the one with the burned hair. Yeah, I know, she's so…
My head spun around. I had heard someone speaking, I was sure. It had been the same pedophilic voice that had woken me up earlier. Who was it? It didn't sound like anyone I knew. I then sighed and poked the bozo beside me, who I couldn't see because of the darkness but hoped with all my might wouldn't be Butch or Lucas. Especially Butch.
"Uhm?" The bozo sat up, yawning. Then he/she/it glanced at me. "What is it, dude?"
Relief. That was Kerberos. There was nothing to be scared about so I continued, "Uh... sorry to wake you up..." I saw her head nodding, "...and well, didn't you hear a voice just now?"
"Of course you heard mine but... didn't you hear a pedo man talking just now?"
"Nope." I felt her standing up and walking away, which frightened me because I no longer felt safe without her. I guess she was sort of like a kid's teddy bear, someone you can depend on at night when you're sure a monster is staring at you. I huddled behind the fluffy cotton sheets and didn't notice when Kerberos turned the lights on until she poked me.
I quickly emerged, slitting my eyes at the light. When my eyes adapted, I saw Kerberos without glasses for the first time. She was uglier without them. Again, something troubled me. "Uh... Kerberos. WHERE ARE WE?"
"MALL! But wh―"
"We're on a bed shop. It was Lucas's idea." Kerberos pointed at the counter and the group of beds around us, where I spotted April, Lucas and Butch snoring as peacefully as babies (on separate beds, of course). I rolled my eyes.
"B-but what about... HOW DID WE GET HERE? AND A BED SHOP? SERIOUSLY?"
Kerberos gave me a puzzled frown. "Dude. Don't you remember? We didn't whack Lucas 'cuz he was too fast so you said this was stupid and we stopped running. We then went back to the... uh... topic about our new house and April wanted us to come to a mall. Lucas didn't wanna but we ignored him and came here anyway. We wanted to go to a supermarket but Lucas again made a fuss and began hollering so we decided to pay attention to him and came here. Dude. Dude. Dude. Duuude, stop putting that face."
"Right. Uh... anyway, let's take a look around, you know. Maybe the creepy voice was just my imagination."
"If you say. But are ya sure, dude?" Kerberos yawned and rubbed her blue eye with her fist.
I thought it for a moment. Was it something an intelligent person would do? Probably not. But since I wasn't intelligent I nodded and the two of us walked away from the bed zone. I looked back for a moment, thinking about how the other guys could sleep so calmly with all the ruckus we were making.
"Hey, Kerberos." I asked out of the blue, of course, in a low voice, "These clothes... what store are they from? And when did I put them on? DON'T TE―"
"Sshh. Don't shout, dude. We went to that superexpensive shore, the one that has a huge ad nearby. And we chose a set of pajamas for each of us. Butch chose a My Little Pony thing but it didn't fit so―"
"D-didya hear that?" I gulped, eyes round as oranges. "Kerberos?"
"Let's punch him." She slammed her fists together.
"Wha―aren't you scared?"
I stared at her blankly, not knowing if her valor was due to either her stupidity or the fact that she seemed to lack the capacity to use her mind, which was pretty much the same thing. Anyway, the two of us kept walking about 'til we reached the exit and exchanged glances. Of course, if we had gone this far, we could go fu―
There was someone in front of us.
"Holy bazooka. KERBEROS LET'S RUN FOR OUR LIVES!"
I ran away yelling and doing the idiot gesture I always do with my hands when running 'til I stumbled with a goat plushie that was there for some reason. I then looked back, convinced it was my end, but the only things I watched were Kerberos and Lucas staring at me like I was an alien.
"Uh... Duff. Are you okay?"
So. Once more, yours truly had unnecessarily embarrassed herself in some stupid event. I stood up, sighing. I noticed that Lucas had an idiot face, which didn't surprise me, but when he pointed at something behind me with a scared face I yelled and instinctively flung my fist backwards, hitting something soft and warm.
"OUCH! AAAAH, YOU RUINED MY MONOLOGUE."
OH MY GOD IT WAS PETER PAN! No, wait.
"Aaah, why did you have to be so stupid!?" A hand gripped my wrist, and the warm breath and the pedo voice behind me made me wanna go wee-wee. I wailed, asking with guttural sounds for help. Still, the two idiots standing a couple meters away did nothing else than to stare wide-eyed at the scene. The voice spoke again, "I still like you, you you'll come. The other two will have their punishment."
Who? Why was this guy... OH OH MY GOD HE TWISTED MY ARM. Oh, okay, calm down. How am I gonna get him away from my poor arm? Hm... perhaps the dude would let me go if I said something scary?
Lucas and Kerberos walked away.
"COME BACK YOU COWARDS!" I shrieked while the grip crushed my bones. "COWARDS! ANIMALS!" Perhaps my chance to scream the random? "OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM, EYAA EYAA YOOO!"
Kerberos popped out from nowhere with the goat plushie, yelling something about The Beatles while Lucas whammed the pedo behind me with a bra. Kerberos then took a megaphone out, god knows where she had got it from, and yelled: "BBUUUUTTTCHHHHHHH!"
Lucas turned pale and stared at Kerberos. "Kerberos don't!"
"BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY THE PERVERT WILL LET DUFF FREE! BUUUUUUTTCCCCHHHH HAAAALLLPPPPPPP!" She continued yelling at the megaphone. Lucas slapped his forehead and I sighed, convinced that this wasn't gonna work.
The grip let my pulse race again as it let me go. Wow, so it WORKED. I quickly turned around to see who the hell had almost crushed my lefty, but there was no one. What?
"He ran away." Kerberos said.
"WHOO!" Lucas shot his fists to the sky. "We won!"
"Weee are the champions..."
"Stop it, Duff. Singing annoying songs is MY job."
Kerberos put the megaphone to her mouth once more. "DUDES. Did you see what attacked Duff?"
We shook our heads in unison. "What I saw was attacking Duff was a big guy, but I didn't notice anything else since he was wearing a Bugs Bunny mask." Lucas shrugged. "Maybe a psycho wanting to have kids with her."
"Anyway, I HAD told you guys not to come to a mall, but you didn't pay attention and said I was a moron and began cursing." Lucas sat on the counter. "Remember malls are popular in Zombie movies. People see that as a possibility and therefore come here, thinking that it is the best idea. Still, since most people think the same, this place must be crowded."
"Oh." I scratched the back of my head. "But we haven't seen anyone."
"Yeah, because most people are either on supermarkets or electrodomestic stores. Most people think more about food and fun than about a good place to sleep since that's sorta gay."
"Oh. That's why you brought us here." I sighed. Lucas was damn annoying, but he had brains, at least. I then gasped. "Oh. And the noise that Kerberos made will let people know we're here."
"Uh huh. And don't dream that everyone we meet will want to join us. Most will try to kill us like the Bugs Bunny masked creepy guy who talked like a pedo 'cuz, you know, more people mean less food and they surely want everything to last."
I bet that by now my face looked like that painting called "The Scream".
"But anyway," Kerberos shrugged, "the Bugs creepy dude must've gone to tell the others."
"WHO THE HELL WENT AROUND SCREAMING AND WAKING MAH UP!" That was Butch. Kerberos quickly hid the megaphone. Butch growled and whammed the wall with his hulk punch, leaving a crater. "WHAT IS IT NOW? It MUST be important if you don't want me to crush you like watermelons.
"Lucas, please tell him before I wee-wee."
A while passed until Butch finally absorbed everything, and when he did, he flashed his killer glare at Kerberos, who remained calm.
"There they are! The ones who hurt Tiberius with a bra!"
Our heads systematically spun to the exit door, where we saw a truckload of people piling up at the windows, the bats and other weapons in their hands craving for our blood.
"GOSH, WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SINGLE MINUTE WITHOUT ANYONE WANTING TO KILL ME!" I shrieked.
And I thought pimples were my worst problem.