when you're fighting yourself

a/n: I hope you as readers can connect, but I wrote this mainly for myself. Needed to get it out on paper to analyze my behavior and such. Don't criticize too harshly, please.

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I say I love you as if it will make things change,

as if it will change this platonic nature through and through,

because though I know I don't have you,

I never really do;

I lean on you as though you know just what to say,

as if suddenly your tender obligation to me will renew,

because though I know I don't have you,

I never really do;

I watch your eyes rove and wait for them to land on me,

as though the sight of me will ignite fiery passion within you,

because though I know I don't have you,

I never really do;

I let you unload all of your secrets into my keeping,

as though it will keep my own heart from feeling troubled and blue,

because though I know I don't have you,

I never really do;

Every time I watch you leave I realize you're not looking for me,

and every hope I've entertained falls as if my pain is a debt past due,

because I'll never truly realize that I never had you,

no matter how many times I do.