Last Thoughts

( past, present, and future)

This is the end

I can feel it

I know I won't go home

I will never see my family again

I can see it now

when they get the news:

my mother will start sobbing

and fall to her knees

my father will say nothing

but I know inside he is breaking

My sister will try to console mother

but tears are streaming down her face as well.

My little brother will not understand,

he won't know why mother's crying

but he knows something has happened

so he hugs his teddy bear tight

trying to make everything better

he tells mother not to cry

that everything will be fine

she will look at him and hug him

tight scared that if she lets go

even for a second

that he will disappear forever

never to come home

this scene is so morbid

it almost seems comical

I try to laugh

but all that comes out

is a strange gurgling sound

my chest hurts so much

but I pay it no mind

it doesn't really matter anymore

I just wish I could say goodbye

to the family I'm leaving behind

to tell them how much I love them

I would thank my mother first

I would thank her for giving me life

I would tell her how much I loved her cooking

even though we joked she couldn't cook

and how much I loved talking to her

even when she rambled on

I would tell my father how much he meant to me

and I would thank him

for teaching me how to hunt

and for playing games with me when I was little

and for letting me sit in his lap

and for carrying me when I was tired

and for all the little things

that I can remember so clearly now.

I would tell me sister

how proud I was of her

she had become an excellent cook

and an even better person

and how one day,

she would become a wonderful women

and how she would

marry someone she loved

and how sorry I was that I would

never get to see any of that.

I would tell my little brother

that one day he would understand

how this wasn't anyone's fault

and that he would need to be kind

and that he should be kind

to everyone he meets

and that I wished I could spend more

time with him

and I would hug him

as tight as I could

not wanting to let go

and I would tell all of them

that I loved them

that this was no ones fault

how sorry I was

and all of the little things

I had forgotten until now.

But I know I will never get to

because I will never go home

ever again.

I can no longer see

and I am so very tired

I can't move anymore

and it hurts so much to breathe

But I'm scared to stop

because if I stop, it's all over

I want to sleep

but I'm so scared, so very scared

about what happens after I sleep

I don't want to be buried in a coffin

I don't want to be given

a tombstone with my name on it

I don't want to give in to death

the very idea scares me.

I don't want this to be the end

I don't want to die!

I want to get married,

I want to have kids,

I want to play with my grand kids!

I want to live a long, happy life!

I don't want to die yet!

Oh, god I don't want to die!

I'm so sleepy...

...but...

I...don't want...this...to be...

...the...

...end.