|The Gospel of America by Bookwormvideogamer13
Author: Bookwormvideogamer PM
America's Best Christian, Bookwormvideogamer13, reads passages from the newest gospel added to the Lord's International Bestseller, the Bible.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 583 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 03-16-12 - id: 3005727
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"I'd like to thank you all for coming to join me in celebrating America's religious, strong, hypocritical- I mean unshakable, values," Bookworm stated to the audience in a proud manner." But, now, let us begin..." After cleaering his throat, Bookworm began. "Blessed is American exceptionalism, for if you don't tell us we're better than you, we'll take exception!" The audience cheered and held their "U.S.A.#1' foam hands. "Blessed is the Ameri-can do spirit! For what's a problem?" After this Bookworm whipped out a flag made of red and white prescription capsules, and answered his own question. "Just something that needs a stronger prescription!"
"Yeeeha!" A most likely nicotine influenced audience member shouted.
"Blessed is Sarah Palin," Bookworm continued as an eagle flew behind him. "For she truly values life, especially when she's not trying to kill something!" At this point, a gun shot was fired and the eagle fell to the earth. "...Cursed is cable TV, for the two sides of every story are true and false, not yours and theirs!" Bookworm exclaimed, gesturing to his right and left. "For facts are not politcal: lies are!" Bookworm then swiftly caught a Big-mac tossed to him and, while munching on it, continued. "Blessed are the compassionate, for half the world might starve, and no at the Drive-Thru line at McDonalds would blink!But, just try putting on mascara on a rabbit!"
"AHHHHH!" screeched a soccermom.
Bookworm, taking out an AK-47, continued to preach. "Blessed our guns, for they never actually harm anyone. For I say unto thee, a bullet doesn't kill!" Bookworm swiftly aimed and shot at several disruptive audience members, "...the person shooting the gun does. On the other hand..." He quickly grabbed some randon crack whore from the audience. "A drug does kill!" He injected the crackhead, just for good measure. "The person shooting the heroine, doesn't! Ta-da! You're now a GOP Party expert on banning dangerous things!" (Guns: fun Drugs: dangerous) "Blessed are those who luxuriate in emotional masturbation! For, America would rather commerorate a tragedy(I'm crying as I drive, only $9.99!) than celebrate a victory!" The host then pointed to a large screen depicting a typical day at the airport. "Blessed are your molested crotches at airport security!(*SCANNING*)For if it takes the destruction of two one-hundred story office towers before anyone will touch them, it's a bit churlish to complain about the attention." Suddenly, the American Flag was held proudly behind Bookworm. "Blessed is America, quaintly pretending to follow Jesus! For with all its judging, greed, divorces, our country's only ever been good at one thing Jesus approved of: slavery!"
"Luke 12: 47-48, look it up." Bookworm replied snappishly to the audience. "...Blessed are the perpetually touchy, for in America today, if you're not offending someone," Bookworm now glanced at the audience, "darling, you just aren't trying hard enough!"
The speech came to a close, and Bookworm vanished from the stage.
Well, I personally didn't think it was as good as my last one, but, oh well. I just NEEDED to write another fic or I was going to go insane! Well,that's it fornow,so until next time, everyone. Chao!