|The 10 Gay Commandments
Author: Thao C PM
High school is tough. It's even tougher when you're out and proud. After a slip of the tongue, Ezlor Zane comes out of the closet in front of the entire school and in order to survive high school he came up with 10 Gay Commandments.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 96,012 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 35 - Updated: 02-05-13 - Published: 04-04-12 - id: 3010641
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Commandment 7: Thou shalt learn the art of seduction.
You know that feeling you get when something happened that is so completely unbelievable you think you're dreaming or hallucinating. Well when the whole cheerleading squad with 8 guys on the baseball team in drag break out in dance to a popular song, and you realized that it's not a dream, then you know you gotta be high.
The sound of the tardy bell jolted me back to reality (if you can even call it that). After what Nancy told me, I'm not sure whether I should be touched by what the girls had planned, or whether I should immediately take a drug test. Still, I can't deny that had got to be the best thing that anyone had ever done for me and it really did erased the doubts I had about myself. Best of all, seeing both Jonah and Tommy in drag was very eye-pleasing. Tommy's body really did fit well in all the right places with that cheerleading outfit on.
The crowd began to dispersed when Principle Beckler came back threatening detention for those who were still lingering. As the people thinned out, I had a better time finding the girls, Tommy and the guys. We gathered near one end of the quad but before I had the chance to talked about what just happened, Beckler interrupted. "The tardy bell has rung. You are all getting detention if you do not go to first period immediately."
"We have been excused from first period due to sport related activities. You can check with our coaches to verify it." Carm countered him.
Beckler face boiled as he quickly turned with a huffed and stormed off.
"Did you really get us excused?" I had my doubts that the coach would actually let the cheerleaders be excused from class to do this.
"Of course we did. Well the cheerleaders did anyways. I'm not sure about the guys."
"Let's go to Jenny's Homecookin' and we can dish about this. I'm pretty sure you've got a lot to ask us. I can already see the motor in your brain just whirling away with a billion thoughts." Nancy interrupted. Surprisingly this time she's wrong. My brain is in so much of a shock I think it went into a coma. Perhaps this is exactly what I need for my mouth as well so it'll learn to keep its mouth shut: shock therapy.
"Uh, we're only excused for first period." Michelle said nervously.
Nancy rolled her eyes. "Oh common. It's one day. We've all ditched before."
"You've ditched before. I have maintained a perfect attendance thank you very much." Seeing as how Michelle is a top grade student, I'm not surprised why she's so adamant about this.
"One day won't affect anything."
"Actually it will. You know you get a medal for graduation on your gown if you have perfect attendance."
"Geez, you're already going to be wearing different colors than we are seeing as how you're above 4.0. Isn't that enough? You're such an overachiever. I swear, it's like you have Asian in you."
"Hey! Quit making all these racist remarks about Asian! Why am I always the one being singled out here?" I don't know much about this but apparently Asian are supposed to be overachievers and extremely good with numbers. Quite frankly I don't think this stereotype holds true because if Asian-Stephanie was as good with numbers as the stereotype indicated, she would actually stay below the speed limit especially with the crazy driving she does.
"You know Asian-Stephanie, even if it's a stereotype, it actually reflects positively on you, unlike your terrible driving." I hope this will appeased her annoyance.
Nancy scoffed. "They must have switched brains or something because Michelle gets straight A's while Sophie barely manages to get B's. Obviously she didn't inherit the Asian gene."
"Not true. She inherited the bad driving gene." Since Ann had to ride in the car Asian-Stephanie was driving a few days ago, I don't really blame her for saying that. It is true.
"I swear, one of these days I will seriously act like a bad driver and run you all over." Asian-Stephanie gave us all threatening looks. I'm pretty sure she won't have to actually try and she still would run us over.
"What do you mean one of these days? You already are a bad driver. It's a miracle you haven't run anyone over yet, and I emphasize the yet." Belle clearly was thinking the exact same thing I was.
Before Asian-Stephanie had a chance to reply, we were interrupted when the boys came back from putting away the sound equipment. Three of the boys didn't return. Only Tommy, Jonah, Ranny, Danny, and Kenny came back. The other three didn't want to ditch class for fear of being on probation and getting kicked off the team. Sadly they were no longer in drag. I slapped myself inwardly for not grabbing the chance to take a picture of them. Hopefully I'm not developing some weird fetish for guys in women clothing, but I have to admit it was pretty hot seeing them in it.
"What's with all the bickering about bad driving and Asians," Jonah asked.
I sighed with relief. "Oh good you're here. Okay Jonah, tell Asian-Stephanie here that Asians are all inherently bad drivers. She's in very deep denial about her driving abilities."
"Oh and that they're supposed to be very smart overachievers who are good with numbers." Nancy added.
Jonah laughed so I guessed he wasn't offended. "Well I guess I can vouch for both, but I'm only like half Asian."
"Seeing as how Asian-Stephanie is full Asian, that means her driving abilities must be twice as bad as yours." Michelle being the smart one put two and two together.
"Hey! I'm a bad driver just because I speed?" Jonah asked in mock shocked.
"No. It's because you drive your car like you're in Nascar or something. I've only experienced your driving once and just like Asian-Stephanie, I never want to experience it again." What I've learned from past experience is never to get into a car if the driver is Asian. It's simply a miracle I have survived this long after doing it twice.
"Jonah! How could you let them talk to our race like this?!"
"Well…it is kinda true you know." Asian-Stephanie gave him a disgusted look.
"Weren't we all supposed to be heading to Jenny's Homecookin'?" Joey tried to placate the situation. We got side-tracked from all the talking that I almost forgot about what was really important (but it's hard to focus when your survival instinct kicks in).
"Right. We should go. Michelle you coming with us? If not can you give me your notes later if you're going to Romin's class?"
Michelle sucked in her bottom lip and stood there in silence as if she's contemplating it. "Well, I suppose I can pass on a cheesy medal. You're more important anyways." I gave her a beaming smile.
We gathered in the parking lot and split up carpooling with each other. It took about 10 minutes to try and convinced Asian-Stephanie and Jonah not to drive (thankfully Asian-Stephanie did not offer to drive anyone; she was probably still annoyed about our earlier conversation) by offering to buy them a large Jenny's special shake. Despite no one volunteering to get into either one of their cars, we still did not want them driving anywhere near us.
When we got to the diner my mind finally caught up with all the events that had transpired and was ready to explode, but my mouth did the job for it. "Okay, so tell me what's all this about. How'd you guys even managed to plan all this out in barely a day? And Tommy and the boys in drag? Seriously, hottest thing ever! Where'd you guys even find shirts and outfits like that? This has got to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I really don't know what to say. I know I'm like just babbling nonstop but I can't help it. All these thoughts have been bottling up and I need to release it before I explode!"
"Yeah I know what you mean. When you let it build up, it does feel like you're gonna explode." Ranny started laughing uncontrollably. Ugh. This is why you can't talk to straight guys about your feelings, because all they're really feeling is what their lower head is feeling.
"Sometimes I don't even know why I'm dating you." Blonde-Stephanie gave him a hard pinched on his biceps that caused him to yelped and winced.
"Cause I'm packing the goods." He gave her a snippy reply as he rubbed his wound.
"I'd be careful if I were you Steph. From what I saw, Ranny seems to be way into that kiss with Danny." That picture was deeply ingrained into my mind. Ranny and Danny are both pretty attractive and seeing them macking on each other like that in the middle of the quad was probably most gay men's wet dream come true.
"Well no one else wanted to do it so Ranny and I volunteered. Besides I had a lil' incentive." Danny gave Brunette-Stephanie a winked.
I gave Jonah a sidelong glanced. I would've betted my money that Tommy and Jonah would've done it. Jonah apparently didn't get my body language, or he simply choose to ignore it. "Anyways, back on track here…well?"
"Well what? I told you earlier. Since Mitchell has some…issues, we're going to try and show him that it's nothing he should be worried about. More importantly, this is mainly about you and us. We like you EZ and we don't want you to feel as if you're alone. Hearing you talk about your sexuality and how you try to cope with it really opened our minds. After really thinking about it, we all agreed that we're all a bunch of confused individuals, whether it's about our sexuality, or other things in life. After seeing the ordeal you had to go through, I was planning something to cheer you up and hopefully it'll help show you that you're not alone; To show you that we, your friends, are here to support you. When you did your whole drama spiel with the girls on Saturday, we came up with this. K.C.'s dad is a graphic designer and Michelle's parents own a clothing store so we made the outfits Sunday. It's not that hard to come up with a cheer and dance. It was hard to try and teach the boys how to dance correctly though." Nancy gave the boys a menacing glare.
"Can't you give a guy a break?" Tommy rubbed the back of his neck.
Nancy scoffed. "It's not that hard."
"Well anyways, Nancy called me that night and told us her plans and you were pretty bummed out about what happened so I went along with it. I wasn't expecting them to make us wear the cheerleading outfits though. We would've had more guys joined us from the baseball team if Nancy hadn't pulled that surprise. Then she thought it would be a great idea if two of the boys kiss when the song ends and that got even less of the guys to volunteer. In the end Ranny and Danny said they would do it."
Blonde-Stephanie scowled. "Not until Nancy had to bribe them by saying how hot and bothered we would get seeing them kiss each other!"
"Well, I have to admit, it was pretty hot." Brunette-Stephanie gave a shy smile. I'm thinking she and Danny have made progress, or they will be after today. Danny returned her smile with a sly smirk.
"I...I really don't know what to say guys. I mean this is like...I'm just speechless. Really I am." I felt the waterworks coming so I tried to hold it in but I knew I couldn't hold in the inner drama queen inside me any longer and the floodgates opened.
"Geez Ez, you really like to cry huh?" Despite his teasing, Ranny gave me a big smile.
"Thanks. Is all I can say guys. I mean that isn't enough but I don't know what else to say to show just how much this means to me."
"You can show it by dragging Mitchell out of his closet. I think it's about time for some spring cleaning don't you think?" Nancy had that devious smile on her face and I know she's plotting something. I haven't thought about how Mitchell would react to what happened. The crowd was too big for me to spot him but I was more focused on what was going on than trying to look for him.
We spent the rest of the day hanging out at Jenny's. I think the waitresses were starting to get annoyed with us since we weren't really ordering any real food (that is if chili fries, coke, and vanilla shakes actually counts as real food) so we decided to disband. We of course left a hefty tip. I'm pretty sure the waitresses instantly changed their mind and wanted us to stay forever. Outside in the parking lot I asked for a group hug. They all groaned but still complied without much protest.
Tommy dropped me off at my house after we left Jenny's Homecookin'. As I'm about to get out of the car Nancy pulled me back in and handed me a "We're here, we're queer" shirt and also a pair of cheerleading outfit.
"Nance, you know I'm not going to wear that."
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. I know a little secret about Mitchell that may make you reconsider," Nancy teased in a sing-song voice.
I raised an eyebrow. "Secret?"
Her devious smile returned. I glanced at Tommy who's texting on his phone and ignoring us. I think he's doing it on purpose to avoid getting sucked into one of Nancy's schemes. "It just so happens that Mitchell has a thing for cheerleading outfits."
"Uh...If he's gay why would he have a thing for girl's clothing."
"What? You didn't think Tommy and the boys looked hot in them?" She's got me there.
"And you know this how?"
She rolled her eyes. "Hello? I've dated him for almost 2 years!"
"Don't tell me you wear your cheerleading outfit while you guys were doing it."
She grinned. Okay...now I need to go bang my head into a wall really hard so that I'll have permanent memory loss to erase that image that have been ingrained into my head.
"I think he's into...what was that word that Sophie taught me. Oh yeah, cosplay."
"Yeah, it's where you play dress up. I think it turns Mitchell wild."
"I think it's time we separate you and Asian-Stephanie. With her fanfiction and your obsession for all things gay, that's a nuclear explosion waiting to happen. Correction, a gay explosion. Hell, if you, Asian-Stephanie, and my mom get together, San Francisco won't even need organizers for their gay pride. Just put you three together and BAM rainbows and unicorns everywhere."
Nancy rolled her eyes again. "Speaking of pride, we should totally go. When is it?"
"Uh...maybe." From my experience being in a gay club, I'm kind of wary about exploring my inner gay right now. Actually I think I'm done with exploration. I know who I am and my friends have gone out of their way to show me that I'm not alone. I think that's enough for now. Perhaps when I'm older and wiser, I will explore the "gay life".
"Anyways...back to the topic." Nancy folded up the cheerleading outfit and pushed it towards me.
"Uh, Tommy?" I glanced over in his direction hoping he'll come to my plight.
He looked up from his phone. "Yeah?"
"Little help here?"
"You're on your own dude." Useless! Where did my dependable Tommy go? He's been so preoccupied lately. I'm betting that it's related to Jonah.
I sighed. "Out with it then. What are you plotting?"
"Well let's just say at the end of this week there will be a situation where you and Mitchell will get to have some "intimate" time."
"Go look it up in the dictionary."
"You know what I mean."
She sighed. "Ugh, stop being such a drag. Remember the motto? Don't be a drag just be a queen!"
"Ironic coming from you considering you're making me into a drag queen!"
"Basically the plan is: you're gonna seduce the gay to come out of Mitchell."
I gave her a look of disbelief. "Are you serious? You must be joking. Seduce the gay to come out of Mitchell? I've never even kissed a boy before let alone seduced one!"
"Oh how hard can it be. He's like goo goo all over you. All you have to do is bat your eyes and you'll probably have him on his knees...in more ways than one."
"Be serious here!"
"Look, it's not that hard. Just wear the cheerleading outfit. One look at you and he'll be jizzing all over his pants before you can say "Oh Holy Mary"!"
"I'm pretty sure Holy Mary won't approve of such methods!"
"Look, I got it all planned out. Don't worry about it, okay?"
"Chillax. You'll see. It'll all work out."
"Or things will become worse."
"Look do you want Mitchell or not? I've dated him for almost two years and I've known him for a lot longer than that. I know what gets to him. Just trust me and by the end of the day Mitchell will be in the palm of your hands like putty." I can't deny what she said (well besides the fact that things will work out). She has known Mitchell a lot longer than I have.
I contemplated it. Really, what do I have to lose? From where we stand now, things probably will remain a standstill. Mitchell has a lot riding on him so I doubt he'll be willing to risk it all on what seems like a mediocre crush at best. Even I'm not so sure how I feel about him. We only established that we liked each other, but like is so very vague. You can hardly count it as something deep and meaningful, like love.
Despite this somewhere deep inside me, there's a feeling that keeps tugging at me. I can't really described it but I feel it pulling me, telling me that this is right. That I should be doing it. When I try push it away and even consider just giving up, the feeling comes back in wretched agony leaving me with a sinking feeling inside my stomach. It's as if my guts are being churned as it's filled with regrets. Somehow I know that if I give up now on what I just developed, I would making the biggest mistake of my life.
Then again, going through with one of Nancy's plans could be the biggest mistake of my life. I sighed. That question popped into my head again. Really, what do I have to lose? There's so much to gain though. That's it. I should be optimistic. "Fine. You win. I'll go through with whatever your planning. I swear if things doesn't work out..."
"Trust me. It will. It will." I don't trust her at all especially when she has that Cheshire Cat grin on her face.
It seems what the girls did on Monday was a huge hit because by the time half the week was over, more than half the school was wearing those "We're here. We're queer." shirts. Nancy likes to think that she got the message across but I think probably 30% of those students were just wearing it to be "in". Apparently being queer is the new hype. Regardless of what their true intentions really are, it had made Calvorot into a more gay-friendly environment. Not that I was complaining about it before. I mean I was pretty well received. But now. Now it's not as if I'm some strange enigma anymore. It just feels as if being gay really is normal now. Everyone seems to questioning their sexuality or just confused about life in general. Isn't it great? One big giant pile of confusion.
Now I don't have to deal with walking down the halls and everyone staring with bulging eyes at me, or whispering and giggling acting as if I don't noticed them doing it. I don't get approached anymore by random people who would ask about "the incident" or what's it like being gay or things like that. Rather I'm half-expecting them to approached me and asked if we should give each other hand jobs and explore or sexually confused side. To that I would answer that I have my own hand and would not be requiring assistance.
I should be happy with how things have turned out (for the better) for my highschool life but I've been a pile of emotional wreck ever since Nancy told me about her plan. Well, she actually hasn't told me what her plan is, but that she has some plan that will allow me to get together with Mitchell involving the art of seduction. So far the only thing I've been told is to bring my cheerleading outfit on Friday and the rest will be smooth sailing. Yeah, as smooth as the Titanic. At first it sounds like a great idea, just like the Titanic sounds like it was an awesome ship. Next thing you know your ship hits an iceberg and instead of smooth sailing you got hundreds of people drowning. I wouldn't mind drowning though if I could do it in the hands of Leo. I'm gonna be honest here. When I watch that movie, I cried not because Leo died but because it was Leo who died. If it was up to me, I'll would shove Kate off that floating wall panel and be like step aside honey, he's too hot to die. We went a little off track there, but the point is, while Nancy may think her plan is good, I'm pretty sure somewhere along the way we're going to hit an iceberg and it'll be smooth sinking.
Seeing as how I'm paranoid by nature and have an uncanny ability to attract anxiety, I couldn't relax. My head began playing that game where you start imagining all kinds of different scenarios and when things doesn't go right you reimagine a new one. I had to actively try to shut my head off when one of the scenario turned out to be some kinky cheesy porn-esque situation that involved me in the cheerleading outfit with Mitchell in his football uniform and saying some line that ran something like "I want to make a touchdown with my ball in your field goal." Then things started to get hot and steamy and while I'm positive that, alone, this would make great masturbation material, in Romin's class it just makes you squirm uncomfortably in your seat. Maybe I really should enter the porn industry as a script writer. I seem to be generating cliche porn-related situations by the dozens.
With no clue on what Nancy was actually planning and no experience in seduction at all, I had to turn to my most trusted research buddy, Google, for help. What turned up was some book by Robert Greene that details history's greatest seducers. While I'm sure Cleopatra was a very, very good seductress, I believe that any advice she would give me would be irrelevant. Then I came across those "how to guides" but they catered to straights and most were pretty similar. They were either those for women that provided "10 easy steps to please your man" or to guys which in summary boils down to "talk about your feelings and get laid". With two failed attempts I decided to narrow my search and used more specific lettering. Entering "gay seduction" only led me to those "sites" that I often visit whenever I need a workout for my hands. I did stumbled upon a website that featured gay erotica fiction and now I sorta understand why Asian-Stephanie is so into her gay fanfiction. I didn't realized words can be just as hot as watching live action. Great. I've developed another kink.
With the third time not being a charm, I decided I have to go talk to someone with a lot of experience. I deliberated calling up Jonah but he seems so out of it lately. Apparently he's suffering from what I diagnosed as gay angst. I swear Tommy and him have some weird kooky thing going on. If they asked me, getting locked inside a storage closet would do those two good. Anyways, Jonah is out for now and so is Tommy for that matter. Nancy is definitely out. It's bad enough that I'm actually agreeing to go through with whatever she's planning. I thought about talking with the rest of the girls but I couldn't bring myself to tell them that I'll be doing all this in drag. So there's really only one option left. Why I went with it, I have no idea. My head must've been too filled with anxiety to be thinking straight, but then again I don't think straight is even in my vocabulary.
"Can I asked you an awkward question?"
"How do you seduce someone?"
She paused for a minute as if to soak in what I just said. "Okay, who are you having sex with? Out with it!"
It never ceased to amazed me how everything just boils down to sex when it comes to me. I swear, my parents must think I'm some kind of horn-dog pumped up with sexdrenaline and I'm fucking everything that has a hole on sight. "It's nothing like that!"
"Well then why are you asking about how to seduce someone? You know what happens after you seduce somebody, right?" Oh shit. I haven't even thought about it. I'm not really sure what's wrong with my head but it seems to think that A (seduction) + B (Mitchell) = C (we become a couple). I forgot about XXX which would rearranged that equation to A + B leads to XXX (if this was a straight couple it would probably be multiplied by K (kids)) = C.
"Okay here's the deal." I explained everything that was going on.
"So that's where you got that shirt. Oh please tell me Nancy still has more. I would like five!"
"Well the real kicker is...I have to seduce Mitchell...while wearing...this." I held out the cheerleading outfit. A normal parent would be horrified. A normal parent would be shocked. But we all know my parents are anything but normal. My mom lets out a ear-blistering screech.
"My Ezlie is back! Put that on, now!" That tone she used meant there's no room for arguments. I left to go changed with a depressing sigh.
As I'm in the bathroom trying to put the outfit on, I realized just how skimpy the outfit is. I mean this is like borderline showing your cooch skimpy. Is Nancy insane? I mean if it's borderline showing your cooch for girls, does she even know what that means for a guy? I mean there's a lot to show here! (But maybe that's the point.) I finally finished putting on the outfit (I still wore an undershirt and my boxers though) and walked out to show my mom. She let out the same ear-blistering screech again.
"It's perfect! But you really need to lose the undies and the shirt."
"Uh no. Have you seen what it looks on me? It's way too skimpy!"
"Well wearing that shirt and those boxers are throwing your game off." What game?! And since when did my mom get so well verse in the art of modern slang.
"There's no game to be throwing off. Shouldn't you have other concerns? Like maybe your son is wearing a cheerleading outfit, which I want to point out is for girls."
"I have no son. There's only Ezlie in my life now."
"Mom! Be serious here. You think this is gonna work?"
"Of course. We just need to do some finishing touches on you and you'll become the hottest thing since the iPhone."
"Not me! About the plan, whatever plan that is."
"Oh I'm sure it'll work out. I need to get my camera. Hold on a sec dear." She quickly hustled away to get the camera and I knew I had about twenty seconds to get out of this outfit before my inevitable doom arrived. I quickly took off the cheerleading outfit and shoved them underneath the couch cushions. There is no way in hell I'm letting my mom take a picture of me in that thing.
My mom returned and much to her disappointment I was back in normal clothing. She lets out a nasty scowl and demanded that I put on the outfit again. I told her I'd rather die. We went back and forth arguing until we finally reached an impasse and I remembered what my original objective was.
"Mom! Enough with the cross dressing for now. I need some serious advice here. How do you go about seducing someone?"
"What do you mean how do you go about?"
"Well how did you seduce dad?" The question left my mouth before I had the chance to even considered what exactly I was asking her. As much as I love my parents, I do not need info on their sex life.
"Well it was more like he seduced me but it involved a ton of alcohol." She giggled. I rolled my eyes. My mom had told me before how she and dad met. You would think they were highschool sweethearts or something like that, but nope. Seeing as how unconventional my parents are this means that everything, and I mean everything, is unconventional about them.
My mom was a Sophomore in college who was exploring the college life (aka partying and booze). One day (or night rather), she was at a party when she caught sight of the hottest boy she'd ever seen (I imagined alcohol had a lot of influence on this part). It set her heart racing and next you know she's trying her best to flirt with him and by the end of the night they became a couple.
You must be asking how's that unconventional? What my mom failed to mentioned, that my dad filled in the gap, was that she was drunk off her rocker when she'd first met him. Her attempts at trying to flirt with him included inaudible mumbling and half drunken giggling. My dad at first thought he was targeted by some nut. He tried to avoid her the rest of the night but she kept following him (which only reaffirmed what he first thought of her). Ultimately one of her flirting attempts resulted in her crashing into him and the sudden movement made her sick that she puked all over him as they hit the floor. Being the nice guy that my dad was, he carried her into the bathroom and held back her hair as she relieved the rest of it before passing out. My dad didn't know who she was or who she came with and by the time he finished cleaning up in the bathroom, everyone was either gone or passed out like she was. It didn't feel right to leave her all alone inside the bathroom so he took her back to where he was staying. He had an apartment near the school which he shared with four other guys. He didn't want to leave her on the couch in the living room so he laid her on his bed in his room while he took the floor. (Really, my dad is such a sweet guy.) My mom later repaid him by waking him, frightened that she was in a room she'd never seen before so she quickly grabbed her purse and pepper sprayed my dad as he was sleeping on the ground then ran out of the room screaming bloody murder.
The end result was my dad having a back ache from sleeping on the ground, bleeding eyes because of the pepper spray, and smelling like puke. Yet despite all of this he became strangely attracted to her. He said something just clicked inside him. (I personally would say something snapped). So without ever getting her name or finding out who she was he began actively searching for the girl on that fateful night, (kinda like Cinderella, but instead of leaving behind a slipper, she instead left behind the stench of her puke and the pain of agonizing pepper spray; kinda makes a bigger impact than a slipper, wouldn't you say?). He began going to parties more often in hopes of trying to find her. Unfortunately she stopped showing up...for a while. Apparently my mom got such a shock from what happened that night that she chastised herself from partying afterwards. But old habits die hard, and eventually she was back on the party scene so it was only a matter of time before they meet again. This time though, it was actually the opposite. My dad was the one pursuing her while she couldn't even remember who he was. Thankfully my dad didn't make the same mistake my mom did by being drunk off his rocker.
He approached her while she was getting a drink and asked if she remembered who he was. She told him no and he recounted the events that took place between them. She didn't believe him at first until he described the clothing she wore that night and the purse she was carrying that held the pepper spray she used on him the morning after. My mom thought he was some creepy stalker and pepper sprayed him again before running off. You would think my dad would give up at this point, but instead he pursued after her. Eventually he caught up to her as she's running down the streets towards her dorm screaming, "Rapist! Rapist!" which caught the attention of people nearby, who called the police.
The police arrived to an amusing scene where she was holding her pepper spray threatening my dad while he had his arm raised saying he just wanted to talk. The police tried to take over but in the heat of the moment, when one of them approached my mom too closely, she pepper sprayed him. This resulted in her being taken into custody for attacking a policeman and my dad having to bail her out.
This was actually how they began dating and the rest was history.
As my mom finished the story I'm thinking, 'So...pepper spray is the answer?'
"Well did you learn anything from that story?" My mom asked with a reminiscing smile.
"Besides that it should be illegal for you to own pepper spray, no."
She sighed. "The point is, your dad didn't give up on me because he felt something really strong for me. Despite all that I did to him he still kept pursuing. In the end he got what he was after."
"So basically you're telling me perseverance is key?"
"I still don't see what that has to do with seduction."
"When you're trying to seduce someone it means that you're trying to entice them. You're offering something to them that they couldn't resist. From the story that I've just told you, what did I have to offer to your dad?"
"Uh...puke and pepper spray?"
"Well...yes. But that's beside the point. I left an impact on him and that's what it's all about."
"So you're telling me I should go puke on Mitchell and then pepper spray him to leave a big impact? Uh...maybe dad's into that kind of thing but I don't think..."
"Look at it this way. Why was Mitchell bullying you?"
"Because he was having issues with his own sexuality."
"Because he...wanted my attention."
"Right. He wanted your attention and he did it by making himself known to you. He made an impact on you, did he not?" Now that I think about it...he did make an impact on me. Certainly one big enough for me to plan out my 10 gay commandments.
"So you mean to tell me that he's been seducing me all this time?"
"Possibly. More importantly I think what he was trying to do was make an impact on you."
"I'm just seriously confused right now. What?"
My mom sighed. "Ugh. Teenage love. Seriously can't deal with them. To put it simply: if you want to seduce Mitchell, you're going to need to make an impact big enough on him that it'll leave a permanent reminder, like what I did with your dad. Granted I didn't do it on purpose but somehow, my action left a big enough impact that it kept him reminded of me. This eventually led him to pursue me. That's what you need to do. That's what seduction is all about."
"Okay so I'm getting that part, but that hasn't answered my question. What exactly do I need to do in order to seduce him; rather in order to make a big impact on him?"
"Something shocking. Like wearing that cheerleading outfit for instance." She gave the same devious smile Nancy gives me when she's plotting.
"Is this some ploy to get me to wear girls' clothing?"
"Look Ez, seduction isn't all that complicated when the person you're trying to seduce already has a strong attraction towards you. To be honest, you probably won't have to try that hard."
"Why exactly am I wearing that cheerleading outfit then?"
"The impact! Haven't you been listening? The objective here is to entice him! Sure you can do it plainly but that won't leave an impact. You want to make a big impact where the minute he sees you he wants to rip that cheerleading outfit off of you and ravish you!"
"Have you been reading Asian-Stephanie fanfictions?"
"No, no. Fanfiction?"
Shit. Shit. Shit. The last thing I need is for my mom to find out one of my friend's been writing gay stories about me. "It's basically stories written by fans about characters they like in a movie or book or whatever. Asian-Stephanie's been writing stories about Mitchell and I and all the gay angst we apparently have."
"Oh my god! Where can I read them?"
"Oh god. Not you too."
"Have you read them? Maybe they can give you some ideas on how to seduce Mitchell."
"No! I do not like reading about myself getting all kinky with Mitchell."
"This conversation is taking a turn for extreme awkwardness. Can we get back to the subject here?"
"It's like what I said. You want to make a lasting impression on him. I imagine the impact must be bigger than the ideals he holds now. Basically what Nancy said. You gotta seduce the gay to come out of him. You have to make an impression that is big enough that he realized it's more important to be with you than it is for people to find out he's gay."
"And doing this in a cheerleading outfit is the answer?"
"It probably would make a big impact on him. Mitchell's probably really into you, isn't he? That's what it seems like when you tell me what's going on between the two of you. Asian-Stephanie's pretty dead on when she says you two got a lot of gay angst going on. Imagine what it would be like if you go out of your way to do something for him."
"Sometimes I forget I'm talking to a teenager. Look the love between your father and I isn't always the one you're probably picturing. We have our ups and our downs. You know the vows we take when we got married? Through thick or thin. It means we continue to love and care for each other whether it's good times or bad times. You can't always have good times. Too many people get married without truly understanding what this means and bails the minute things get tough. Love isn't easy. It's hard to keep a romance going for a long time. There's time where you have to give rather than take. You're much too young to understand what I'm saying now. What you basically need to get out of what I just said is that sometimes you have to give rather than take. Mitchell told you something he hasn't told anyone else. That means you're special to him. Why don't you show him that he's special to you too?"
"And I do this by cross dressing?"
"Let me ask you this. Have you ever cross dressed for anyone?"
"You. And that's cause you force me."
"That different. I'm your mother."
"But you're thinking about doing it for Mitchell right?"
"How do you think he would feel if he found out that you'll only do this because it's him and not someone else?"
"That...would probably make him happy."
"Right. See where I'm going with this?"
"But really mom? Cross dressing?"
"Who knows. You did tell me Nancy says he's got a thing for cheerleading uniforms."
"I think this is some rue between the two of you to get me to cross dress."
"What's your biggest fantasy about Mitchell?"
"Wh-What?" Where did that question suddenly come from?
"Your biggest fantasy about Mitchell."
"Mom!" I'm not about to be sharing what goes on inside my head and all the gay fantasies I have about Mitchell.
"Well like maybe you get all hot and bothered if he were to be in his football uniform." Shit. Is she a fucking mind reader? I mean I have seen Mitchell in his football uniform and I must say that uniform has been pretty active in my imagination during "private time".
"Mom! Are you watching gay porn?"
"Oh please. I don't need to watch porn to know what goes on inside a gay 16 year old teenage boy's head."
"Geez mom. I'm not a sex junkie like you guys picture me to be!"
"Who are you kidding? I may be old, well not that old, but I'm not stupid."
"Shouldn't you be preaching abstinence instead of sextinence."
"Pfft. Honestly I think parents go about it all wrong. I'm telling you this because I think you're mature enough but my personal view on sex is, it's not a bad thing. Sex is just one of the many ways people express what they're feeling."
"Yeah. Tell that to all the horny guys at my school."
"Regardless of whether that feeling is love or not. It's just an expression of a feeling of desire and want. Like you said, there's plenty of guys with raging hormones and some can control it better than other. Rather than preaching about the impossible, because really? Try telling abstinence to a 16 year old whose thoughts doesn't turn to sex every 7 seconds. We should educate them on sex and how to practice it safely." I guess she does have a point. I mean trying to prevent a school full of horny kids from getting it on is probably like trying to teach a cow to speak English (with the exception of me of course). "I mean I'm all for abstinence but I'm just being realistic here. We shouldn't avoid the situation but rather confront it. If all we do is preach about abstinence and not teach them the proper way to do things, it can get a lot more serious and complicated than it's meant to be. STD's and pregnancy, among other things, shouldn't be taken lightly. Prevention is good, but when you can't prevent it, you need to learn how to cope with it."
"Alright enough with the morale views on sex. Fine. You win. Sex is great."
"Ez, you know what I mean."
"I know. I know. I was just summarizing what you just said. So why exactly are you asking about my sex fantasies?"
"Imagine what if one of them came true? It doesn't have to be a sex fantasy but just a fantasy." I thought about it. Instead of me being in a cheerleading uniform and Mitchell instead was in his football uniform...doing a hot dance while slowly stripping out of it...Oh god. I need to stop thinking right now before I show my mom something unsightly. "I can see the wheels in your head turning. You can't hide that smirk from me."
"Well now imagine what Mitchell would feel like if one of his fantasies came true."
I can see where my mom is heading, and damn it she's right. Hell Nancy's right. I'm pretty sure Mitchell would be god damn pleased out of his pants if one of his fantasies came true. I know I would. So simply put, Nancy wants me to cross dress because she thinks it will make Mitchell cream his pants and go seriously goo goo ga ga over me. My mom, putting it in better perspective, thinks that doing this will make a big impact on him. It will show him that he's special to me and that I'm willing to make one of his fantasies come true. That will make him happy and maybe he'll get over about being in the closet.
"Fine. You win. Let's just say this does work out. Let's just say I do manage to seduce him. Then what? You're not expecting me to..."
"Remember what your father says, condoms and lube."
"Just improvise from there. Geez Ez, if everything is scripted life would be boring. I mean you're a master of improvising considering what you did in the school's play."
"That's not even improvising! Cows aren't even suppose to talk!"
"Oh who's to know. I mean come on. The play had a witch that could use magic, beans that grew into a giant beanstalk, a giant, a girl stuck in a tower that you could use her hair to climb to the top. With all that shit going on, a talking cow would not be out of the ordinary."
"Did you even pay attention to the play?"
"Try telling that to the hundreds of people in the audience that was flabbergasted after your outburst. Just go with it Ez. You'll know what to do when the time comes."
"It's bad enough that Mitchell's pulling cheesy lines out of his ass as an excuse, now you're doing it too?"
"How do you think cheesy lines got started in the first place? Someone had to experience it and then put it into words. Just because they're cheesy doesn't mean it's not true. Let your instinct take over. Look I'm going to teach you a lesson about life and hope you will remember this. You can only plan so much in life, and even if you do, things don't always go the way you envision it. That's what makes life worth living. If you already know what's coming what's really your motivation? If you knew that in the end you would get Mitchell and you two would become a lovey dovey couple you wouldn't be here right now racking your brain and getting all agnsty about it. Fact is you don't know and that's why you're here. I already told you, life's not easy, but it's because it's so unpredictable that makes it fun. You have a goal and it gives you motivation to reach it because you don't know if you can or can't if you're not going to try. I know it's hard for you to wrap your mind around this because you're young but just trust me on this one."
"I'm not that young!"
She laughed. "Trust me when I say you haven't even experienced life yet dear."
I gave a defeated sigh. I guess in some ways talking to my mom helped clear up issues. Whether or not I learned about the art of seduction is a different story, but I garnered that it doesn't really matter at this point. "Well thanks for talking to me. I guess I learned something from this."
She gave me a big grin. "Now go put on that cheerleading outfit again. I haven't taken a picture of you in it yet."
"Mom! No! Gosh. Promise me you won't try to take a picture when I'm about to do whatever Nancy is planning."
"I can't make promises I won't keep."
"Oh and remember dear, condoms and lube. Make sure you have that on you. Actually I'll give Nancy a call just to be on the safe side."
"Mom! Sometimes I don't even know why I bother going to you." I shook my head as I left the room.
Before I even get to the stairs I hear my mom cry out from the kitchen, "Where can I find those fanfictions Asian-Stephanie's been writing?"