I know I'm shy, my mouth grows nervous and forms

Shapes that aren't quite words, pushing out things like

Laughter and small talk and imtoocuriousforsmalltalk,

My lips shake as though they're dancing, though really

It's more like sickness, like the words are being torn

And ripped from their homes, an old man in a black jacket

Grabs their shoulders and drags them from their bed,

I sigh and bite my lip, my teeth like little gates, and your

Eyes grow quiet and the room gets still.

I guess I should have left the blinds open.

You make a small movement away and I look down at

My hands, I wonder about insecurity and conversation

Doesmyhairlooknice and what am I really offering that

Keeps you coming back, they are empty hands with

Trembling loins, and I've never really let you inside,

I wonder at my empty palms and why I can't fill them

To the brim, with all the excitement and wonder and

Dreamingofyou this infatuation set in.

A shoulder and a hip, my eyes are never on your

Eyes, I'm always looking at your expression and the

Language of your limbs, how your mouth will flatten

And your fingers grow fragile, how your shoulders will

Straighten and your cheeks tighten, your foot taptaps in

Anger or impatience, some restlessness, I try to recreate you,

Put you down on paper, make you out of words and your

A poem I can read, something I can maybeunderstand, a pen

With a gold rimmed tip draws you out on my skin.

I guess I should look at you straight though,

Cause you're bones not books, a boy not a story,

I guess I should try.

I just get a little lost, with you, your presence like something

I want to really unravel, really know, all of it, everything there is to

And be there, every witty comeback and serious

Opinion, all your concerns, I'm just an observer and I

Don't see a place in your life for me, at times, so

I grow quiet, my eyes active, my lips in a line;

And more alive than any part of me, with any other

Person, is my sight and my hearing and mind.

I'm a bit overwhelmed with you, trying to figure

You out and what you need.

I want to make myself into that figure, that's why I let

My edges grow blurry and my words empty, hiding

Parts of me I'm not ready for you to see.

I don't know why I can't fling open the door

And watch you climb the steps, up to my house and I'd let

You in, my cheeks burning red, there will always be me,

Some soft company, a notebook for your dreams, a bed and

All the things you need. I've got a house and two cats

A place, To learn your secrets and see you constantly, and

All this want, I wonder where it wanders, when you're with me.

Cause sometimes, mosttimes, I am too caught up

In the sounds and the colors, the words falling from your

Tongue, and when you leave and I have space to breathe, I

Realize that you occupy everything

When you are around; When you are around, I am entirely

Absorbed in all of you, your reactions, your quiet and your

Calm, your kindness and your sadness, those things we do

and say and feel, and I shut down, tune myself out, surrender

The floor to you and find that what's inside me, is nothing

To show, in comparison, I'm a pale gray to your golden hue.

And I guess that's shyness, burrowing its bashful head.

I wish I could say things clearer, just let you inside my

Mind so you can feel all these things too. But

I have never been clear thinking, always ,

And with you, it's hard to articulate at all, because I am

So wrapped up, like a gift with a bow, but the bow is around my throat,

Making it look like I can't open at all.

Though, I need to say these things

Before it's late and I'm tired, sickofit, I want to preserve

This sense of intimacy, I need to confess these things and

Maybe have you more than just in memory,

I don't know where your heads at, or your heart

But that's okay, right now I'm not asking, just

Expressing, so you can see.

Put your eyes and your thoughts on me, I'll take

Command and weave this want into something sweet and thin and wafer-like.

I guess I'm scared of time, of shifting emotion and

What if I give up on this and I just need it all to wash out;

Let's move forward, whichever direction you like,

We are crashing like waves and I want to know how

The story ends, there is so much time, but my time is in

My hands and with you, how you make me feel the

Way I do, I see forever, or something like it, stretching

In the sand, and my fingertips keep retracing its pattern

again and overagain.

So I guess I'll just tell you.

All these things, and hope it makes you smile

More than cringe, more than I wonder what will happen to

Her, things happen for a reason, so don't think about that now

You will not break me, I am not so weak, not so fragile

And I've seen every path this road leads us in, I've travelled

It with weary feet and a heavy head, wondering why we

Put so much weight, so much time and heartache, all these

Mainstream emotions into another body, another box

Of bones and blood, I wasn't even looking for or wanting

But here I am again.

Though, I guess you should know; because

You're a different breed, with a good heart, rare

Quality, and that makes all these walls fall through in me.

And I don't know how I can feel all this and still act

The way that I do, couldntcarelessgrin, or maybe that's why,

I'm so scared of what you'll make me, little cowardly girl

shakes her head and says she doesn't want to play, she

never learned the game, so they just turn away.

And what if I fuck it all up, with my words and walls and

Flaws and the things I can't say and the things I can't do

For you, all these voices telling me there is someone better

Out there for him, you could do so much better.

But I won't say that, negativity from my past, I push it

Down with my hand, push it down by its throat, and sit atop

It, the sun shining and you are smiling, there's sweat on

Your brow and I look down at the ground, your gentle

Expression and your gentle hands, I'll climb up from the ground

And keep you there. I don't even care!

You're beautiful, boy.

And I want to make you grin and hold your hand.

I want to be honest and sad and angry with you, I want to

Know what your anger looks like, and your sadness all over

Me, I will expel it or hold it for you, I will take it and

Unweave it with you, whichever, whatever, you want, We can

Be sad and mad and weird together. I don't care!

I just like you.

I like being near you, your company, and I can't help it.

There is something that will always keep me coming back

Everyday wondering what I can be for you.

And maybe this is crazy, we have known each other a small

Second, a few scattered IM's and some halfassedsmalltalk

But it's true, I want you to find a place in my life and

Settle down there, and I don't know where it came from, I really

Really just want you, and it's real,

And I don't know where it will go, I just know I hug you

And I don't want to let go. I just know that you laugh and

I smile too. So it has to be something.

I guess.

And I forget the point of this letter anyway, trying to tell you

I don't want to shut down on you, and I'm the quietredfacedkid

For a reason. That reason being you, and should I be sorry for it?

And I forget how I'm trying to say it, so you won't feel obligated.

So it won't be toomuchtoosoon, but it's enough. And I already said

I don't know how to play or the right way to go about it, I'm

Always expressing too much, asking when I should be listening,

And I think this will be more confusing, than helpful.

But yes.

You have been on my mind, of late, whipping up these

Things in my head, and I'd like for you to see them, I have set

Them out on a plate, a platter of sorts, with letters and words

As their meat. You can taste them as you like, Ihaveneverbeen

Sohonestinmylife,

I guess I just want you to understand.

Really,reallywell.