I am complicated. That is the least I can say about myself. They say the key to happiness is knowing who you are and knowing what you want. But what happens when you don't know who you are? What if you don't know what you want?

I sure as hell have no clue. But isn't that what people always say about teenagers? That they're still trying to find a place in the world? It's frustrating. I often read in books that when they're laughing with friends that it's a fake laugh and inside they're all miserable and shit? Well I'm not like that. When I laugh with my friends, it's real. But inside, I AM miserable and shit. I've lied to others countless times. I've probably lied even more to myself.

I keep changing who I am. I try to 'dig deep' within 'my soul', I really try. But what do I find? Nothing. Nothing dammit.

I feel sometimes that my life spirals out of control way too often. My lies pile up higher and higher until it all falls down on me, each and every shitty lie. What do I lie about? Nothing really. Just that I did my homework and bull crap like that. Or am I lying to myself again? I don't know anymore. Screw anymore, I never did.

Why do I lie? Because I'm lazy and I don't feel like doing my homework. Because I don't want to get in trouble. Because for some reason I have trust problems.

Don't get me wrong. I don't smoke. God forbid I do weed. I'm not a punk ass slut. I don't lie for any of those things, because I've never done any of those things.

Why am I typing this crap anyways? I hate it when people complain about their problem, and I always avoid talking about mine. I guess some part of me is reaching out you know? Hoping that one day, a friend will see through my lies and comfort me. But it's been years that I've been like this. Since grade two. I guess I've just gotten a little too good at lying.
Maybe they don't even give a damn. They probably don't. They've got their own problems. But when I see them reassuring another friend... It hurts. I feel my heart squeezing in my chest. Sometimes I want to run up and cry to someone. I want someone to put their arm around my shoulder and tell me its okay. That it's normal to feel like this. But I have too much pride. I'd never do that. But still... that would be nice. Look at me. I'm crying now. For no damn reason. God, I hate it when I cry. It makes me feels so fucking weak. Like I'm a wimp. I hate wimps.

You know how there's always that one awkward friend? Yeah, I'm her. The odd one out. There's always one of those, huh?

In all honesty, I've never had a 'best friend'. No two peas in a pod, never 'glued to the hip'. It would be nice to have one, wouldn't it? Hell, I know I still wouldn't tell her all my problems, but I don't give a shit. Just one awesome and reliable friend that you could count on would always be better than having ten friends, but always being left out.
But what am I complaining for? There are kids who get beaten and kids in hard labor that would love to take my place. Crap, I feel so guilty. I have no right to whine about my problems. My problems are stupid. Pathetic. Like when you're not happy with the car you got for your birthday.

You want to know what's really pathetic? I want to be a ninja. Ninjas are silent assassins. They don't need friends. Fuck, they don't need emotions. They travel solo. The mission is the only thing they have in mind. Anything else is useless. Pathetic right? While there are starving children, I want to be a fucking ninja.

If I were a ninja, I wouldn't need a friend's shoulder to cry on. I would have control of my own ass and slit the neck of anyone who tells me otherwise.

I guess that's why I like writing. Because I have control. Because I say who dies, who lives. I pull the strings in my own world.

Who am I on the outside? A normal teen with ADD who laughs at everything and who swears a lot. The inside? No one, I guess. Just a crying wimp who's desperate for attention.

AN/ Sorry for the emo moment guys... just feeling a little depressed lately...